venomousvalentine Reviews

Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

BAH GAWD HERE COMES KONG WITH THE STEEL CHAIR

[9/10 · 25 April 2024]

What can you say about Godzilla Vs Kong? What CAN'T you say about Godzilla Vs Kong.

Director Adam Wingard knew EXACTLY what the people wanted. The story was barely human-centric, aside from emphasizing our hubris. We got what we came for: big monster. That sounds shallow, but the depth is not in the story, and any critic who expects that is a certified hashbrown.

The depth comes from the amazing cinematography and effects. There is so much to take in. The sound design was stellar, paired with the other effects gave so much sheer weight to any and all of their movements. There is no question to the scale of the combat, because the team did everything in their power to make sure you FEEL it.

But there's more to it than that. The story, while simple is very enjoyable. Sure, at the end of the day we know the story only exists to justify the gigaton weight-class WWE championship, but something I really appreciated was just how well they were able to convey the wordless communication between these unspeaking monsters. They did a stellar job showing Kongs intelligence, and Godzillas absolute and unquestionably deserved pride.

The movie also features countless callbacks and fanservice to long time fans of kaiju movies, and the best part about that is that each one stands on its own, rather than shoving it in your face as if to say "HEY REMEMBER THIS?".

This movie stands even taller than king of the monsters, and to give it anything less than a 7 is unbridled pretention veiling shallow pseudo-intelligence. This truly was everything we ever wanted from a Kaiju movie.

Noah (2014)

Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.

[4/10 · 21 April 2024]

A confused fantasy epic that plays fast and loose with Biblical canon. It adds a lot of details that aren't in Genesis, and the story it presents is narratively confusing, strangely paced, and morally befuddling. It's okay for a movie to be morally gray-great, even-but it's harder to pull that off when actual Abrahamic God is always looming in the background. The end result is a movie that felt the need to insert moral complexity, but then shied away from fully confronting it.

The film feels like it's constantly fighting with itself over its own message and tone. At times it presents itself like a no-holds barred, unashamed fantasy flick with a loose foundation in Biblical story, unburdened by things like "making sense" and more concerned with spectacle. At other times, it feels like a baffling psychological drama that just happens to have giant rock monsters in the background. While the visuals are pretty much always spectacular, the story flails about like someone drowning in a flood.

That said, the acting was pretty spectacular. Everybody on screen was clearly giving it their all. And from the quality of the visuals, sound, etc., it's clear that the rest of the crew was dedicated as well. But to be honest, that's a little sad. It's not a stupid movie. It clearly does a lot of deep thinking about these topics, but it's a shame that it never reaches a conclusion. It's like listening to a retired philosophy professor ramble through a half-remembered lecture for two hours, but then before he reaches any kind of conclusion that you assume he's been building up to, he gets distracted by a phone call and wanders out of the room.

The Beekeeper (2024)

Bee +

[7/10 · 29 March 2024]

You can tell this movie was written by a retired old screenwriter who lives in a log cabin with his daughter (his wife is dead), but one day when he was chopping firewood a Miramax helicopter landed on his lawn and the studio exec stepped out to ask him to do one last job.

Everything is an unapologetic throwback to the cheesiest 1980s action movies. It's like if The Exterminator had a really passionate one-night stand with Death Wish II and then abandoned the kid in the woods to be raised by bees.

The whole movie is paced like a videogame that was on the original Xbox which you played a bunch at your cousin's house, but nobody else has ever heard of it when you bring it up. Each arc begins with a bunch of nonsensical meandering exposition from law enforcement, which is followed by a scene where Jason Statham clears a room of redshirts, climaxing with a boss fight with an exaggerated mini-boss in a colorful outfit, and ending with Jason Statham getting a new objective that pops up on his minimap.

Overall a fun time. Would be a 10/10 if it had more bee puns.

The Whale (2022)

Shamu

[9/10 · 30 December 2023]

An amazingly well-crafted film, and also an objectively miserable experience. This is a disturbingly real dive into the ways we damage ourselves, and others, because of our own hurt. It doesn't hold its punches, presents no easy answers, and leaves you with the bittersweet catharsis of an especially intense emotional workout.

Every emotion was genuine, raw, and visceral, and every conversation was blisteringly REAL in a way most screenwriters can't write and few actors can perform. The characters are all damaged in one way or another, and their attempts to reconcile with their own emotional injuries causes them to hurt one another. All of it was carried on the shoulders of the exceptionally tiny cast of 5 significant characters, with a special cameo from Dan the Pizza Man. Everybody absolutely killed their performance. At times it was uncomfortably realistic, like being at a family event which is going very, very wrong.

Structurally, the movie holds up a mirror to Moby-Dick. It's claustrophobic where Moby-Dick was a spectacle, with subtle knife-between-the-ribs thematic construction instead of the thunderous roar of the sea. Each character is chasing some meaning in their life, their own Whale, as unaware (or uncaring) as Ahab that they are destroying themselves and those around them. This is a tale of drowning in your own emotions, and dragging others down with you, whether by design, desperation, or willful ignorance.

It's okay to not like the movie, or to pick apart its delivery, but the critics who trash-talk it seem to universally misrepresent its message. It's one thing to critique how it presents itself, and another to assert its message is something else entirely. They either lack the ability to introspect and empathize with the all-too-real self destructive pain of the characters... or they're unwilling to, because they're afraid of what they'll find.

The Parent Trap (1998)

Serviceable

[6/10 · 2 December 2023]

A movie seemingly crafted for the Olsen twins, who the studio seemingly couldn't afford. Tiny little Lindsey Lohan does her best, though the resident Brit assures me her accent is awful and sounds like a Cockney person is pretending to be upper class. Still, she's charming enough that it made us sad to remember where her career (and personal life) would go only a few years after this film.

Other than that, it's a perfectly acceptable film. It's nothing remarkable, but neither is there anything offensive about it. It's like a slightly wobbly table, with the short leg being propped up by a little box labelled "nostalgia."

It's honestly difficult to find things to say about this movie. How do you talk about something that you considered 7/10 when you were in 5th grade? It's a charming little family-friendly... thing. Looking forward to the inevitable (third) remake to come out around 2035.

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

Shockingly good for what it is.

[6/10 · 10 November 2023]

I personally have never been a fan of the FNAF franchise, so I went into this with low expectations, but it was surprisingly pleasant to see it stick so close to the original lore, and give so many homages to the people who propped up the games from the very beginning.

Even if you don't like the movie, it's worth your respect for how it handles and respects the fanbase.

Beyond that, many of the animatronics move in excellent and creepy ways, the plight of the protagonist was wholesome and enjoyable, the acting was good as well as the casting, and they actually got the living tombstone to do some of the music, which is amazing because he's been writing music for the franchise for free as a hobby for many years.

The Magic Roundabout (2005)

More than serviceable.

[6/10 · 10 November 2023]

As someone who is American, and was therefor not tainted by the original, I definitely enjoyed this movie. The voice cast was very fun, many of the jokes landed, and it wasn't afraid to be a bit dark in some of its tones (To the point of joking about the Geneva convention).

The plot was simple, the animation a bit uncanny, but ultimately the reason to watch this movie is the constant, nonstop delivery of puns (Mostly from Dylan).

Honestly, this movies shining grace is the weed rabbit loosely based on Bob Dylan, and despite this being a children's show, has the most relatable and realistic depiction of a stoner I have ever seen in my life.

This movie easily earned a 6, and came very close to a 7.

The Collector (I) (2009)

Unironically the worst movie I have seen.

[1/10 · 9 November 2023]

This movie features one of the finest, most elaborate and well-executed traps I've ever seen in my life: tricking me into watch it.

The filmography was terrible. The sound design was offensive to the senses (and not in the artistic way). The plot was horribly written, with awful pacing, disjointed tone, and inexplicable decisions from every character. The villain lopes across the screen like an orangutan, and has the intellect to match. Unfortunately the writers are apparently even less intelligent, and seem to think that their Looney Tunes traps are the height of terrifying genius. I saw more well-thought-out traps in Home Alone 3, and no amount of comically oversized antique beartraps will fix that.

Worst of all, the movie in its entirety is mean spirited. The director no doubt was homeschooled, yet got off to the thought of being a school bully, and with that mentality tried to be even edgier than his wildest, most pubescent pipe dream.

I feel like I am a worse person for having watched this movie. The target demographic for this movie is some degree of lobotomized hyper-sadist, and I recommend anyone who rated it above a four be interviewed by a professional psychiatrist.

For some inexplicable reason, some self-proclaimed "horror buffs" might recommend this movie to you, as they did to me. The only conclusion I can draw is that these people are troglodyte mole-people who have never seen a film before, and are mimicking human speech in an attempt to infiltrate our society. Do not seek this movie out except as a euthanasia aid.