dmsesquire Reviews

The Unbelieveable with Dan Aykroyd: Unusual Rituals (2024) Season 1, Episode 7

Yuck.

[3/10 · 13 January 2024]

If this is the direction the show is going, I'm disappointed: The intent of the episode seems to be trying to gross us out instead of involving us in a mysterious scenario so we can play along. It's as if the show went from RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Tg an old edition of EC COMICS. I liked the timbre of the first few episodes (much like THE UNXPLAINED) so I'm hoping for more of that in the coming weeks/months.

For those who are interested, this episode includes the origin of bungee jumping, unusual military rations, the medical relevance of snakes and leeches, Skull & Crossbones initiations, and DIY mummification.

Treehouse (2014)

Up a tree...

[3/10 · 1 October 2023]

Two brothers go into the woods to meet a couple of friends. Soon it becomes clear that their friends either aren't coming, or have arrived at the wrong destination. The boys have brought walkie-talkies with them in order to bypass the old "no signal" trope. As they sojourn by themselves, they run across a girl who is shivering in the darkness of a treehouse. Still concerned about their friends, the boys split up: Crawford goes to seek help, and Killian stays with the girl. This is a slow burn, without the burn: Every scene seems to take two minutes too long. As Killian, J. Michael Trautmann, a man of a thousand faces, pretty much saves the day: He bears the emotional weight of this one with every nerve and muscle available in his countenance.

Bestseller (2015)

Dimestore paperback novel from a used bookstore...

[2/10 · 30 September 2023]

I guess the moral of the story is that every writer wants to kill his agent at some point. This has the feeling of a Lifetime movie, but they dropped the F bomb, so surely not. BESTSELLER needs, as any good agent would tell you, a lot of editing. The story.could have been told in 80 minutes, but it lasts for 103. The lead actress is good, and she has to be, because most of her scenes are by herself. The villain is way over-the-top, and yells most of his lines, especially near the end. The music is also either over-the-top or typical creepy solo piano. Overall, BESTSELLER.belongs in the bargain bin.

Happiness (1998)

Unhappiness

[6/10 · 9 February 2023]

I have been hesitant to write a review of HAPPINESS (1998) because I've been trying to find the right words to express my opinion. It has been listed on many "disturbing" movie lists, but the only thing really disturbing about it are its themes: Philip Seymour Hoffman plays Allen, a loner who is only aroused by crank-calling random women and telling them what he wants to do to them, whilst pleasuring himself; Dylan Baker plays a seemingly happily married man who secretly lusts for boys, mostly his son's friends. Baker is brilliant: Every expression on his face tells a story, and he manages to engender empathy, because we are lured into looking at the world through his eyes.

The main problem with the film is that, for all the lurid sub-plots, there is not nearly enough dramatic tension: Loose ends abound, and no character really has a satisfying end to their story arc.

Given that most of the characters are connected in some way, much more could have been made of this script to heighten the suspense: Instead, we have a series of episodes that never really tie together.

However, for the acting itself, I give this one 6/10.

Wagon Train (1957–1965)

Way too long of a trip...

[2/10 · 27 August 2022]

The reason they never made it to Oregon was because they were constantly parked! And those sets were like black and white Hee-Haws. The acting is awful, and they constantly have a guest "star" (so you never really get to know the "main" characters), and they seem to stop every five miles. The episodes are also way too long: sixty-ninety minutes for a story that could have been told in thirty. Give me GUNSMOKE. I feel like I'm writing a high-school essay, because it has to be six-hundred characters long. And they don't tell you how many characters you have written. And I dislike this show very much.

Restraint (II) (2017)

Restraint in the lead performance...

[7/10 · 17 August 2021]

The impossibly beautiful Caitlyn Folley delivers a knockout performance as the new bride of a dominant older man who has a young daughter from a previous marriage: We never really find out what happened to his ex-wife, but it doesn't really matter; We're more interested in what's going to happen to his current wife. Suspense abounds, and Folley portrays a depressive better than anyone since Annette Bening in IN DREAMS: She is mesmerizing to watch from the first frame to the last.

Nightmare Asylum (1992 Video)

Easily one of the worst films ever made...

[2/10 · 16 August 2021]

A woman is in an insane asylum, and we see her chased from the beginning, with zero back-story about why she or the others are there: The rest of the film looks like a horrible Rob Zombie production cut by MTV editors on speed; There is absolutely no plot, no suspense, just a lot of grotesquerie, and the Gustav Holst estate should sue for the film's blatant bastardization of THE PLANETS.

Penance Lane (2020)

The Mane Character

[7/10 · 21 December 2020]

Tyler Mane is one bad-ass ex-con looking to settle an old score for a friend who is still in prison: However, to get what he wants, he has to go through several deadly obstacles. This is less a horror film than an action film, but it's still bloody enough for fans of both genres.

Shellmont County Massacre (2019)

Sometimes, people just get it right.

[7/10 · 15 December 2020]

Roderick Klimek is terrific as a small-town sheriff trying to track down a truly maniacal and scary killer. This film may have been inexpensive to make, but there is nothing cheap about it. The story is simple, but the execution is excellent. A deftly photographed indie horror movie with competent performances and plenty of gore and suspense. Kudos to the cast and crew for getting this one right.

Don't Go in the Woods (2010)

It's official...

[1/10 · 30 November 2020]

This is the worst movie ever made. Apparently, my review is too short. THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Chop (2011)

SLOP

[2/10 · 14 November 2020]

CHOP is a film that doesn't know what it wants to be because the director can't set a tone and stick to it: It starts out with an editing mistake (a guy driving on the wrong side of the road, then he's suddenly in the correct lane) and gets worse. A dodgy truck driver picks him up and ostensibly gives him a lift into town, but they're not going to town, are they? The first scene indicates that this is going to be overacted and feel like the longest 74 minutes you have ever spent. The only reason I gave it two (**) stars out of ten is because a story threatens to develop about halfway through. Unfortunately, it is too little, too late, and like its main character, the film dies a slow death.

A Haunting in Salem (2011 Video)

Really?

[2/10 · 8 November 2020]

Many of the reviews I have seen of this film have been insulting to the looks of the main character: Bill Oberst, Jr. is playing a sheriff, not a beauty contestant; Besides, he plays the lead quite well, but he is not helped by a horrible, hackneyed screenplay that paints by numbers a haunted-house film that could easily have been a Lifetime made-for-TV movie. At least ten minutes of this folly comprised people walking up and down stairs. If we're going to judge a movie based on good looks, I give this one two (**) stars for Jenna Stone's feet.

Cage (I) (2016)

Let me out of here!

[6/10 · 7 November 2020]

Okay, so most of the flaws of this film have been ably described by other reviewers, but what saves this film is the performance of Lucy-Jane Quinlan, the only actor in the film we ever see. In spite of the horrible script, she manages to turn in a tour-de-force performance that is psychologically and physically grueling to watch, let alone deliver. I empathized with her from the start through the very end. The only things keeping me from giving this a 7 were the prologue and epilogue, which were superfluous. Kudos to Miss Quinlan, who drove this picture with a gutsy, courageous portrayal of a young woman on the brink. (6/10) (**1/2)

Blood Brothers (2017 TV Movie)

Take the "Psycho" out and you've got a pretty good movie.

[4/10 · 7 May 2018]

PSYCHO BROTHER-IN-LAW is two movies: One is a budding romance; The other is a typical Lifetime "psycho" movie. David and Eric are brothers, and although David is the younger of the two, he is also the more protective of the two. The opening scene shows us just how protective he is. When Eric is beset by a bully (Mike, played with plenty of menace by Jordan Morgan) on a baseball diamond, a bat-wielding David comes to his brother's defense and cold-cocks the ruffian from behind. He doesn't stop there though, proceeding to do a Negan-with-Lucille job on his head. (We eventually find out that he was charged with manslaughter.) Fast-forward twenty-three years, and Eric (Mike Duff) is married to Kay (Brittany Falardeau) and has a daughter, Laura (Megan Ashley Brown). Right away, we realize that Eric is an absentee husband and father who works ridiculously long hours, and pays lip-service to his loved ones when he's not outright ignoring them. Kay and Laura fend for themselves most of the time, but there is a hole in their lives.

Re-enter David (Zach Gold). He shows up unexpectedly on their doorstep one day, and Kay is thrilled to see him. He seems to have done pretty well for himself as a crab fisherman in Alaska, and thought he would come visit them during his down time. He doesn't want to overstay his welcome, so after a few minutes, he makes to go to a motel. Kay invites him to stay with them, and after initially demurring, he accepts. When Eric comes home, he gives David a chilly reception and is miffed that Kay has asked him to stay. When they go out to dinner at a local bar/restaurant, Eric makes nice and has a beer with David as they prepare to sit down and have dinner as a family. When a drunk bully bumps into Eric and has words with him at the bar, David is not pleased. David looks to confront the offender, but Eric talks him down. It is the first in a series of red flags that tells us David has not changed a bit.

Things normalize as David settles into their home and he turns out to be a massive help to Kay, who has been overwhelmed with everything, including organizing a fundraiser at Laura's high school. He fixes their washing machine, tags along with Kay whilst she's running her errands, and even accompanies her to school to help with the fundraiser. They spend so much time together, in fact, that they begin to develop feelings for each other. These are the sweetest moments in the film, and I found myself wishing the movie would take a non-Lifetime twist and turn into a love triangle instead of the by-the-numbers Lifetime fare that was about to ensue.

Needless to say, Eric eventually goes off the rails, and the "psycho" part of the movie kicks into full gear. It's a shame, too, because this film could have survived on the suspense of an affair (which never develops). Had the story gone in this direction instead, I think it could have been a better film. Falardeau and Gold have plenty of chemistry, and the film could have been just as suspenseful had they acted on their feelings. Falardeau delivers a layered, textured and nuanced performance as Kay: She is the glue that holds the film together. Gold is good as good David, over-the-top as bad David. There is no bridge between his good self and his bad self, so the scene where he shows his rage by smashing a mirror seems forced. There is no slow, simmering build, so David comes across as a split personality instead of someone with anger issues.

The second half of the film is a bloody mess. It undermines the strong beginning, so I can only give this attempt a 4/10. An opportunity missed.

Web of the Spider (1971)

Hassle at the Castle

[2/10 · 22 August 2017]

Early '70s Italian Gothic horror about a journalist, Alan Foster (Anthony Franciosa), who makes a bet with Lord Thomas Blackwood (Enrico Osterman) that he can stay overnight in Blackwood's castle... and survive. Blackwood is good friends with Edgar Allan Poe (Klaus Kinski). Such is the vapid nature of this film that Poe's character is totally inconsequential to the plot. Six writers cobbled together the mishmash of a script. Franciosa spends the majority of his on-screen time wielding a candelabra and looking handsome. Finally, some eye candy shows up in the personae of Elisabeth Blackwood and Julia (Michele Mercier and Karin Field). What could have become a ghostly threesome devolves into a convoluted plot about romantic intrigue amongst the better-off-than-you, as shadows of the past reunite for a fancy ball, witnessed by Foster and his unsolicited companion, Dr. Carmus (Peter Carsten), who shows up halfway through the film: He manages to suck whatever life there was out of it, as he assumes the role of expositor and waxes eloquent about what happens to snakes after they are chopped in half. The principals' psychodrama plays out in front of them, and there is much murder and mayhem. Foster interacts effortlessly with these spirits, oblivious to the notion that there might be a trick being played on him. By the time the action ensues, we are ready to call for our last dance card. So cheap was the transfer of this film to video that the copyright shows up about five minutes before the end of the film, an end that doesn't come nearly soon enough.

Back Woods (2001 Video)

Not.

[1/10 · 7 August 2017]

BACKWOODS is a comprehensively bad movie, and I don't mean of the so-bad-it's-good variety: I will spend more thought writing this review than the filmmakers put into it.

The "film" (shot with videotape) opens with random shots of the woods, seen through what looks to be the eyes of the beast in WOLFEN. (That's a really popular effect in these cheapos.) Our narrator has obviously had his voice artificially slowered. (I just coined a phrase: "slowered" means slowed down and lowered. Remember when we used to play our 45s on 33-1/3, and we thought it was hilarious? Apparently, the sound department, accredited to Nick Clemente, still does.) Only here it's meant to be scary. It's not. That is the first of many "nots" in this "film".

This is followed by a random and gratuitous scene of humping in the woods, then the obligatory "30 Years Later..." title card. Our killer-du-jour is Luther, who is dropped by his mother in the woods, fully grown. The labor scene is the first of many such grotesqueries in this freak show. Mama (Jim Edberg) hops around the woods as if she's about to unleash a mammoth turd. Well, she does, but his name is Luther. This is played for laughs. Yes, apparently shitting out a full-grown child passes for humor these days. This is another "not": Not funny. There is an unwritten rule to these things: If it's going to gross us out, at least make us laugh; It's only offensive when it's not funny.

We can tell from the first few seconds that David Hayes' portrayal of Luther is going to have all the grotesquery and none of the funny. After Mama is struck down by a van full of college kids, Luther loses whatever mind he had and dons his mother's dress and wig and goes on a killing spree. Again, this is all played for laughs: It's funny to see fat men in women's clothing, right? Let's make fun of fat people, rednecks and transvestites in one swell foop while we're at it.

Then we focus on the kids for a while: Mandy (Anna Schmeiekka) and Johnny (Patrick Hazen) are an item; Leroy (Jug Wang DDS) and Lisa (Mara Goldman) are too. Sammy (Mike Thallemer) is the fifth wheel. The table is set for some gratuitous sex and pot-smoking, two mainstays of any killer-loose-in-the-woods entertainment.

Our filmmakers (David Hayes wrote the script in addition to giving us a performance that is unforgettable in all the wrong ways, and Grant Woodhill, who is responsible for the character of the stepfather, also directed) were not content to just make an awful, irredeemable video: They also decided they were clever enough to parody other films in the genre: Friday the 13th, Halloween, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Just Before Dawn, Psycho and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are all borrowed from or alluded to in some way. There is only one problem with this: If you're going to parody a film, you'd better make sure your product is better than the film you are parodying.

Once this mess of a film is set up, it is mercifully time for the killings. I don't say that because I'm bloodthirsty: I say that because I desperately wanted it to be over, so I was happy to see the countdown begin. Again, the brain trust behind this production was not content with simply knocking off the characters one-by-one. They had to do nasty things to them physically and sexually and linger on them like lascivious voyeurs. These set pieces reminded me of the cat who drags in some nasty rodent from outside and has a look on his face that says, "Look what I brought you." Patrick Hazen, who doubled as the film editor, should have been given free reign to chop these scenes to pieces, saving himself and his co-stars at least a little public humiliation.

There are undoubtedly some who get off on this fare. Honestly, I could have forgiven the whole thing had it just been funny. It's not. When you look at a film and find yourself wondering if they had left the tape blank, would it have been more entertaining, you've gotten hold of a real turd. This film should be a reminder for everyone that just because you have a video camera doesn't mean you should make a movie.

NightThirst (2002 Video)

Pass me a straw and a bottle of anything.

[2/10 · 3 August 2017]

A horror anthology, courtesy of the Polonia Brothers, who shared directing credits with co-star Jon McBride. Van Roth (McBride) shows up on the doorstep of Jerome (Jeff Dylan Graham), a recluse who would be just as happy playing video games for the night. Van Roth's story is that his car broke down, and he needs some place to hang out until his friend comes to pick him up. Jerome reluctantly lets him in. To pass the time, Van Roth tells him four tales of terror.

In the first, Jenny Leighton (Holly Harrington) answers a junk mail ad by showing up at a haunted mansion. Something grisly is outside, and it's after her, and why not? She makes herself right at home by drinking whatever is available and luxuriating in a hot bubble bath. (These both rank as horror-film character no-nos.) As you might expect, things do not end well.

Next up: A couple of interns at a hospital (Brice Kennedy and Kimberlee A. Gibson) are understandably freaked out when a cadaver gets up and starts walking around. Kennedy and Gibson do a good job of milking the laughs in this one, but the punch line is from an old shaggy-dog story that used to get passed around in grade school.

Third on the docket is "Demon Forest", featuring Bob Dennis as a photojournalist who decides to go into the "Black Forest" (although the signage clearly says, "Blackwoods Forest") by himself and snap some photos. (This also ranks as a horror-film character no-no.) Dennis manages to keep a straight face while fending off an assortment of monsters that range from the ridiculous to the grotesque. (The monsters are courtesy of Brett Piper, who created all the special effects.)

Finally, we get to "Christmas in July", which may give you SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT flashbacks, but the ax-wielding Santa Claus is where the similarity ends. A young girl (Courtney Marie) keeps seeing him as he edges closer to the house. When she urges her dad (Mark Polonia) to come see for himself, naturally St. Nick has absconded. The sequence ends with a surprise gift.

The wrap-around sequence reaches its denouement, and the credits mercifully roll. This is another Polonia-Brothers straight-to-video cheapie, directed with myriad close-ups and motionless camera shots. (The action sequence in the hospital at least suggests some movement.) Dennis, Kennedy and Gibson give it a game effort, helping this turkey escape the dreaded 1-out-of-10 rating, with especially strong support from Courtney Marie (Polonia) who manages to engender some sympathy within the construct of a Santa-as-Killer blackout sketch. (My favorite line: "Christmas is six months away: It's July.")

If you find yourself trawling through the bargain bin at Wally World, you'll be happier picking up a used copy of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE, and that's not saying much.

Dweller (2001 Video)

Please don't adjust your set. Those are special effects.

[1/10 · 31 July 2017]

It is difficult to articulate the sheer awfulness of DWELLER, but I will try.

The film opens with an outer-space starship battle. The cut-and-paste special effects would look obsolete in a 1980s video game. One vessel is struck by a laser, and plummets to Earth, somewhere in the woods near Ottawa, Washington. An astronomer, Trevor (Jeff Dylan Graham) decides to check it out, much to the chagrin of his boss, Ben (J.H. McBride). (Ben: "If you call me here again, you're fired." He is on a cell phone.)

The alien spacecraft is not easy to track down, but the alien therein has no problems tracking down unsuspecting victims in the woods. Soon, he/she/it claims a hiker and a videographer. The "special" effects in the death scenes are difficult to describe. The actors playing the alien's prey are made to loll around in the leaves while a graphic that vaguely resembles spermatozoa burning through a high-school film strip is superimposed over them. There are few things more horrifying than death by static cling in broad daylight.

Eventually, what passes for a plot is introduced. A trio of bank robbers has just pulled off a $100,000 heist, and they hightail it to the woods. They are not the brightest assortment of ne'er-do-wells, which the actors try in vain to play for laughs. There is much infighting and eye-rolling. Little do they know that death by rejected Weather Channel graphics awaits them, as well. There are even a couple of superfluous black-and-white dream sequences to keep things uninteresting.

It is rare to find that special cinematic turd with no redeemable features, but this dingleberry is hanging around as the second feature on the double-sided, two-disc set known as SLEAZY SLASHERS. It is the "b" side of PSYCHO SCARECROW. 'nuff said.

Bloodbath (1999)

Bloody Awful

[2/10 · 27 July 2017]

A couple of cops are called in to investigate some strange goings-on at a local film studio. Apparently, the films they make are just as bad as the film they're in: They feature bad acting, light bondage, and swordplay. (A little something for everyone.) This came in a two-disc, four-movie set called TOO HOT FOR HELL. With a name like BLOODBATH, one might expect a slasher film with a generous helping of gore. Instead, we get something that vaguely resembles a bad marriage of HIGHLANDER and THE X-FILES. (And most of the blood is literally in a bath.) Co-director Dan Speaker adds some badly needed energy when he shows up as special FBI agent Max Zedron--in fact, the action threatens to pick up for a few minutes--but this is a real mishmash of wildly incongruous tones and a skeleton of a plot on which to hang a few well-choreographed sword-fights. There are elements of horror, cop drama, camp, S&M, soft porn, and vampirism, but co-writers Speaker and Dana Fredsti don't really commit to any of them. There is one scene that says it all about this "film" (shot with videotape): In the movie-within-the-movie, two of the actors deliberately act badly; Unfortunately, the rest of the cast must be method actors, because the two seconds of "bad acting" is better than the generally bad acting in the rest of the film. In fact, the movie-within-the-movie would have probably been more interesting to watch.

Evil Sister (1996 Video)

"Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters..."

[6/10 · 25 July 2017]

EVIL SISTER has the plot of a bad Lifetime TV movie, but what it lacks in originality, it makes up for in execution.

Kim Farina plays the title character, Roxanne, who has spent her adolescence and part of her young adulthood in a psychiatric institution. When she gets the all-clear to "go home", the only home she has is that of her sister, Michelle (Joanne Lee Rubino) and her sister's husband, Tony (Bob Dickinson). It does not take long for her to cause mischief.

Whether Roxanne is crazy or evil is irrelevant: Any way you slice it, she's just bad news; She's manipulative, promiscuous, and, oh, she practices black magic. She also leaves death in her wake.

That is the least interesting part of the story, however. This film could have survived without its supernatural elements: The characters of the two sisters comprise the true lifeblood of this film. Something you don't expect from a cheap horror movie is a decent character study, but that's what we've got here. The tension of whether Roxanne will seduce Tony and ruin Michelle's life is enough to keep us watching. The sexual overtones form a strong foundation on which to hang the suspense. The actors take it from there.

Joanne Lee Rubino is a revelation as Michelle: The verisimilitude of her performance jumps off the screen and drags us into the movie, sympathies and all. She and Farina raise the emotional stakes in every early scene, and we feel like flies on the wall, privy to their dysfunctional psychodrama. Farina vamps a little too much as the vamp, but she is unpredictable enough to keep us interested. She is less scary when she tries to indicate her evilness than she is when she's playing nice.

There is considerable skin and enough bloodletting to entertain the casual horror fan. The sex scenes are tastefully done, and more importantly, they are actually sexy: They are not gratuitous, because each one of them is a key plot point.

A lot of thought went into this film. The filmmakers may not have had a lot of money to spend, but they used their resources well. The gore may be cheap, but the film isn't. There is plenty here to recommend.

Demonsoul (1995)

It Bites

[2/10 · 24 July 2017]

Another straight-to-video special from our friends at Brentwood Communications. This one plods along for a good long while doing its impression of worst-movie-ever-made. It's shot with television cameras and videotape. The lighting is so poor, the shadows threaten to upstage the actors, which wouldn't be difficult in this scenario. At least we can see the actors: We can barely hear what they're saying, because the dialogue is rendered inscrutable thanks to the shoddy audio. The sets are slapped together to make it look like the characters actually are someplace. An amateurish production all around, with performances to match. The only actor who emerges unscathed is Janine Ulfane as Rosemary, the concerned roommate of Erica Steele (dig that protagonist-sounding name) played in fits and starts by Kerry Norton. Erica is having nightmares about Selena (Eileen Daly) who appears as if she just placed last in an Elvira, Mistress-of-the-Dark lookalike contest. There is much vampirism and munching of the flesh. To its credit, the "film" gets better as it reaches its denouement, and spares us a campy shock ending. By then, however, we are numb.

The Agency (1980)

...and now (vote for me) a word from our sponsor...

[5/10 · 21 July 2017]

Silly action yarn about the new boss at an ad agency (Robert Mitchum) who wants to plant subliminal messages in commercials, with political intent. Inoffensive enough, but to call this more than a time-passer would be kind. Music is sometimes too over-the-top for the subject of the shot.

Crystal Force 2: Dark Angel (1994 Video)

The Wet T-Shirt Contest From Hell

[3/10 · 20 July 2017]

Jake (Chris Zawalki) is a bartender at Royal Oaks, easily one of the worst dives in cinematic history. He has a crush on one of his co-workers, Allison (Betsy Gardner) and he swears he'll do anything to get her. Enter Virgil (Paul Brewster), a mysterious stranger who appears at the bar and makes Jake his pet project. He's determined to get Jake laid, at any cost. His subsequent efforts to play matchmaker lead to a series of bizarre happenings, wherever he goes.

First, you have to keep in mind that this was shot with television cameras, giving the whole film the feel of a high-school project. For the most part, the direction and dialogue reinforce this first impression. The production is buoyed by Brewster's charismatic, sometimes humorous performance: He makes the best of a bad job. Jeff Markle lends support as the cop. Patrick Quinn makes the most of his on-screen time as the doctor.

There are some decent elements to the story, but it sure takes a long time to tell. Barry Mosley's score adds what atmosphere it can, but this is basically a soft-core porn film masquerading as a supernatural thriller. And, oh, those production values.

Batman Begins (2005)

Batman Regresses

[5/10 · 16 June 2005]

I really wanted to like this film.

I didn't.

Here's why: The first thirty-forty minutes of the film: totally useless. We've already seen Batman's origins in the first film, albeit a coincidental double-murder at the beginning of the film, and we've seen all this martial-arts rigmarole in Kill Bill and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. You can take away the entire first segment of the film, and nothing is lost.

The film doesn't really start until Bruce Wayne returns to Gotham. At this point, I was thrilled that the movie had moved along. The thrill was short-lived.

I found the mobster angle to be interesting: Bruce Wayne/Batman was in a corruptible network that had become incorruptible by virtue (or vice) of its own corruption. Fine.

Batman catches the Kingpin of one gang, and all of the sudden, everything is better.

Hokum.

If that had actually happened, there would be a mob war that Batman would find almost impossible to handle by himself.

Then, there is the obligatory being-chased-by-the-cops angle. (Oooh, is he good or bad? I just don't know!!!) In the third act, Bruce Wayne/Batman is chased down by the ghosts (?) of the "Legion Of Shadows" and they are threatening to destroy Gotham via the poisoning of the water system.

First of all, martial arts have nothing to do with the Batman myth, unless we are just talking about one of the graphic novels. Even so, it doesn't advance the plot at all: In fact, it delays the plot by about thirty-forty minutes.

Secondly, one Mafia kingpin going down does not mean that all crime in Gotham ends. Yes, I know his underling (please, this sleaze is the second-in-command?) is still running free, but there would be plenty of other mob families waiting to take control.

Finally, these non-entities from the beginning of the film show up again, and terrorize the city with poison in the water? Why was this film made? To make money, obviously. I certainly coughed up my five-and-a-half bucks.

I guess my main problem with the film is the intent of the film, which the director has made clear is to make a "serious" Batman film.

You know what? When Tim Burton made his first Batman film, he was accused of the same thing.

The mistake that Christopher Nolan has made is that he has made a Batman film that is serious, but he forgot to make it fun.

He certainly wants to eat his cake and have it too, by trying to throw in "funny" one-liners, but by the time we get to them, their time has woefully passed.

At least three times during this film, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I haven't felt that way about any Batman film so far, even the inept Batman Returns.

Aswang (1994)

Gory Updating Of ROSEMARY'S BABY

[6/10 · 27 May 2005]

An unwed mother-to-be ostensibly signs her unborn baby over for adoption, but the adoptive family has other plans. Long on suspense, short on scares, the film still manages to create a genuinely creepy and claustrophobic setting for its cast of bizarros (the low-budget production values contribute to the movie's sense of impending doom) but it is Tina Ona Paukstelis's plucky (not to mention physically grueling) performance that saves the day. Proof positive that performances contribute as much to the suspense of a film as lighting, sound, and cinematography. Joe Bob Briggs called this one "nasty". He's right. (6/10)