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Reviews
Ankle Biters (2002)
Orson Welles, he aint.
From the plot alone, it sounds well worth renting. Midget vampires seek the sword that contains a jewel that contains the blood of the last tall vampire, so as to make some tall vampires. On their trail is a half-breed vampire and his trusty midget sidekick.
What could possibly go bad with a plot like that? Everything. No one in this film has ever taken an acting class. No one involved in this film knows anything about production. A guy had a camcorder and some little friends, and made a movie. You can't hear what they're saying half the time, but even if you could, the main character is trying so hard to be Blade that it's really just pathetic. I was never under the impression that any of the vampires were dangerous. I never cared about the characters. What characters? Exactly. The director/actor fellow Adam Minarovich should really take a class or something. But why should he? We all rented this pile of tripe! But seriously -- the sound and camera work are horrible. It brings embarrassment to an otherwise quality plotline. (And that bad Blade accent doesn't help.)
This movie could have been Reptilicus or Terror Toons amusing. But instead, it's disappointing on an I-got-socks-instead-of-a-pony-for-my-birthday scale.
Dracula II: Ascension (2003)
Ahh, the refreshing taste of emetics
Oh sure, it won't win any awards, but b-movies never do. I'm not sure why the other users enjoyed the opening scene so much, but I enjoyed it for the incredibly bad stunts myself. I laughed out loud as the woman fell down the stairs, onto the landing, and kept falling down the rest of the stairs. Pure gold.
I also happen to know a little behind-the-scenes about this one. Do you know, it was not originally intended to be a straight-to-video release. It was originally scheduled to be released last October. I'm guessing the similarity to the popular Blade II sealed its fate. Do you know, they spent like 3 months or something filming in Romania? I'm not sure what for, considering the movie takes place in New Orleans. Why was Roy Scheider listed in the credits? His part was no more than a cameo. I was rather disappointed about that, because I really enjoy Roy Scheider.
But, for all intents and purposes, this is a rather good b-movie. There are expected, but fun, plot twists, and I never got bored. Well, maybe a little in the very beginning. It was a standard 5-man team of protagonists, a nicely evil Dracula, and a Blade-like vampire hunting priest. Note that I said nicely evil, and not deliciously evil. I will admit that it must be a great challenge for an actor to do most of his work with no lines and no movement (he spends most of the movie confined), but I really could have gone for a more evil Dracula.
I sincerely hope that people aren't renting direct-to-video movies with the idea that greatness lies within: it does not. What this movie does well is know its limitations. Special effects are only used when absolutely necessary, which makes them look much better than some of the really poor effects in Blade (the first one). It's fun, it's interesting, and it's got a good ending. Well worth renting.
Rating: Groovy
Shark Attack 2 (2000)
"I didn't like it." Understatement of the year.
Shark Attack II, or How Not To Write A Movie. I have tried repeatedly to put into words how bad this film is, but I think only by watching can one learn. The characters are not sympathetic at all, the "suspense" is a complete lack thereof, and the romance is developed via montage!
The plot is terrible. The cast is terrible. The writing is rancid. And the effects are just stupid. Not even funny stupid, like in Reptilicus or Godzilla. This is a good instructional How-Not-To film for any aspiring filmmaker. The only positive thing I can say about this film is that they did use some stock footage of actual sharks in between the rubber shark.
You will wish that it was so bad it's funny. You will wish that the character development actually developed characters. But most of all, you will wish you had rented a different movie.