seth_the_wampyre Reviews

Masters of Horror: Valerie on the Stairs (2006) Season 2, Episode 8

Ugh...

[2/10 · 23 October 2008]

I gave it a "2" only because Barker's concept was great, but Garris proves once again he cannot hold his own amongst the "Masters." He really should just stick to producing these things. His direction of actors is deplorable. The story is perfect fodder for a horror short. There is a hotel specifically for unpublished hack authors (kinda like the fabled Chelsea Hotel in NYC). Here, the dreams of these sad writers haunt the hallways. Okay i'm with it so far. Now, the stupidity kicks in with acting on par with the worst kind of theater (cue the druggie downstairs who inhales his joints with comedic vigor).

AAAAHHHH. This just made me angry. I have nothing more to say about it i'm so mad. I should've stopped with "The Black Cat" and left a good taste in my mouth.

As the sign says in the front of the hotel (and, of course, at the gates of Hell... duh), "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here." You said it, Mr. Garris. I wish I had taken your advice from the start.

Masters of Horror: The Black Cat (2007) Season 2, Episode 11

High water mark for the MOH series

[9/10 · 23 October 2008]

As a devout fan of the MOH series (for better of worse) I was elated when the credits rolled on "The Black Cat." I've suffered thru some awful episodes and been pleasantly surprised by others. But this one set the bar high for all the others I watch from now on. In fact, I'm even tempted to stop here just to end on a high note.

Adapted from Poe's classic, Jeffrey Combs plays the tormented author in this bizarrely autobiographical tale of terror. Combs was so brilliant in the role that I didn't even recognize him until 3/4 the way through - and even then it was only because I put the Stuart Gorndon connection together in my head.

What made this so special was that it had EVERYTHING I wanted from a MOH: Love, Death, Horror, Gore, Characterization, Location, Cinematography, and an ending which separates itself from the pack.

This was a masterpiece for the Masters of Horror series. Bravo, Gordon! Bravo Combs!

Windcroft (2007)

Slick, soulful and scary

[9/10 · 13 September 2008]

I saw this at a film festival after reading a glowing review on Indie Express, and it did NOT disappoint! It was labeled as a low-budget indie, but it looks like a million dollar pic. The actors were unknowns, but that just made it better I think. The story was about this farm and the family history that darkens its antique wooden frame. A young couple arrives there after a death in tha family, and the guy tries to come to grips with his childhood on this beautifully creepy farm. A neighbor girl soon shows up ans throws a monkey wrench in the works. After that everything shatters around them in a climax of terror and pain.

I was loving this movie from minute one. The score alone gave me shivers. I personally like a little more gore in my horror flicks, but my girl and her friends just loved the movie, so I guess it worked better without it. Actually, it wasn't really a horror flick, but more a suspenseful thriller.

Definitely check it out.

The Invasion (I) (2007)

Bland remake with moments of clarity

[6/10 · 10 September 2008]

Forgetting that this is a remake for a moment, lets focus on the film at hand:

An alien spore arrives on Earth and infects humans like a virus, changing their DNA to make a collective race of New Beings.

Great premise, and at times startling delivery. The movie opens with a bang and never lets up. Its pace is well designed and filled with tension. The highlights are the running undercurrent of "the world is a better place with the New Beings." This satisfies my hunger for some social and political involvement with a film. It is the only thing keeping the movie from becoming a shallow thriller. (Truly effective moments are of "police" dragging Humans to be "processed," reminiscent of civil rights marches and other world dictatorships. It begs the question beyond the obvious: "are we better as Aliens," and moves towards "Does it take extreme force to complete world peace?")

With all this going for it, why only 6 stars? Well, the movie as a whole felt too forced - and cold. Lackluster performances and cheap CGI infection scenes mock the truth behind the film, diminishing any real statement.

Death Race (2008)

Pure fun. Great effects!

[7/10 · 7 September 2008]

Don't go expecting a "Running Man" type commentary on prisons, the media or the public's thirst for blood. This movie was a straight up action movie with jaw-dropping REAL car effects. (If there was CGI, it was too damn good to rip me out of the picture). The cast was surprisingly good for what could've been a disaster movie. Every star in the pic seemed to not only get their character and get the movie, but they also were having fun with it. And when they're having fun, I'm having fun.

Plot? In the VERY near future, prisons let inmates race to the death for their freedom. Statham is an ex-racer who is framed for a murder in order to be incarcerated and forced to take part in the Death Race.

Also, if you want to relive the glorious Roger Corman films of your youth, forget it. No comedy here. (But Carradine makes a cameo!!)

Tropic Thunder (2008)

Even WITH Ben Stiller, this movie was great!

[8/10 · 7 September 2008]

Ben Stiller's very presence irks me. I cannot stand his constant mugging for the camera, his "i could crack up at any moment" smirk and his inability to emotionally engage me. That being said... Tropic Thunder was STILL really really funny. Of course, Robert Downey Jr. stole the show, but there can be no doubt that Steve Coogan gets the assist on this one - as well as (and I hate to say it) Tom Cruise. Who would think that a movie with so many people I hate would be so damn funny?! Tom Cruise seems to do his best in roles that do not require his glibness to be in every frame of every shot (ie "Magnolia", for one). When he has the ability to let loose with the pressure of a starring role off his back, he can do some great things. And Steve Coogan! Two hits this summer for Steve Coogan! It is about time audiences outside the UK woke up to this man's comic genius.

The plot of TT? A movie is being made about a "true" Vietnam story. The actors are brought to 'Nam and the production is failing. In an effort to rescue the film, the Director sends his Prima Donna actors into the jungle to shoot the movie "guerilla-style" (HA!!) But, of course things go bad in the real jungle and the actors are forced to engage in real battles... but with fake guns.

Come to think of it, I'm not much of a Jack Black fan either... In fact, he may be one of the most annoying celebs out there. (Does he have on OFF button??) But, once again, he was just perfect in TT. How do you explain all that was working against it just making it stronger??!!

Hamlet 2 (2008)

Coogan's US breakthrough - Refreshing Comedy!

[7/10 · 30 August 2008]

Damn. This was funny. I love Steve Googan from all his UK performances ans finally he was given a proper vehicle to make US audiences laugh out loud. What made this so funny was its satire of traditional dramatic elements in movies (Stand and Deliver, etc), as well as its blatant parody of the quickly burned out "Indie Darling" comedies like "Little Miss Sunshine" et al. Sure, the finale's song wasn't the best of the lot (although I still find myself singing it over a week later!) but the rest of the gags and songs (especially the "Face" song!) were classic.

It was refreshing to see a screwball comedy that doesn't rely on toilet humor or "realistic" scenarios to drive a joke home. This was just pure silly fun, ans Coogan can pull that off with the best of them, if not better.

30 Days of Night (2007)

Blah.

[6/10 · 30 August 2008]

And not as in Dracula's "Blah Blah! I'm going to suck your bloood! Blah!" Although that would've been better than this. This looked hokey and the acting was atrocious. What a great premise gone into the toilet.

I won't bore you with the problems, only to say that where the story can be believed, the follow through was agonizingly silly.

I gave it a 6 only because there was some cool violence, and the atmosphere was chilling. Also, a few really good scenes made me stick it out. But if I think about the film any longer, I may just knock it down a peg or two...

The Dark Knight (2008)

Convoluted plot and at times actually stupid

[6/10 · 30 August 2008]

So, this movie was cool. Heath was amazing and Aaron Eckhart stole the show. But something was definitely wrong here. A 2 and a half hour movie is fine with me, but only when necessary. It seemed like it could have been 30 minutes shorter and some non essential points could have been easily removed, or it could have been 30 minutes longer and more developed. Either way, it felt super sloppy.

oh, and the Batman voice was just too stupid for words. That voice was fine for "Begins" when his dialog was short and sweet. But for the monologues it was just silly. It sounded like when Homer Simpson tries to whisper, but everyone hears him anyway.