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Reviews
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
utter crap
I have just had the grave misfortune of sitting through this cinematic abortion for all 12 hours of it's perceived running time. Not sure how long it actually is, the damage it inflicted upon my brain has left me incapable of perceiving time in a linear fashion.
So you can avoid having to go through the same pain i did i will now summarise the plot in a couple of sentences. Robots have a bit of a fight, boy tries to find mystical grilled cheese sandwich of destiny or whatever, finds it, good robots win, the end.
Gets 3 stars for having big expensive shiny cgi that looks good on the big screen.
DVD may be suitable for use as a drinks coaster.
Mononoke-hime (1997)
Even better than Spirited Away
I find it far easier to write about films i hate than those i love, the English language seems to cater infinitely better for expressions of disgust than those of adulation.
I am therefore struggling to think of a way to describe this film without resorting to a string of fawning superlatives.... .....Can't think of one...... This film is simply fantastic, it shows that no matter how far digital animation progresses it will never be able to capture the concept of humanity as Studio Ghibli's traditional animation does. The human characters seem more than human, despite all their physical exaggerations you forget that they are animated images and believe in them as much as any tangible actor.
This film transcends the genre of animation and sits among the great cinematic works of all time. I strongly suggest that those who wish to watch this film watch the original subtitled version rather than the English dub as the original Japanese voice cast are an integral part in the believability of the characters as something more than just drawings.
Meet the Spartans (2008)
The Cinematic Equivalent of Rape
WARNING:
Watching this film may cause an unpleasant sensation in the eyes and ears, prolonged exposure may lead to death via suicide.
It is suggested that those considering viewing this film consider a more productive and enjoyable use of their time. Covering your own genitalia in dog food and attempting to outrun a Rottweiler is just one of the exciting activities you may wish to consider instead of watching this film.
There is a part of this film that has merit, it is called the Credits. The Credits are a useful tool as they reveal those responsible for this abomination and enable you to avoid any of their future work.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Very Disappointing
When i went to see the original Hellboy i did not have very high expectations and was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be extremely enjoyable, i was therefore looking forward to a similarly enjoyable experience when viewing this film. My expectations were most certainly not met. Aside from the visuals, which as you would expect from guillermo del toro were excellent, and Ron Pearlman's turn as hellboy, the film stank. Following the cringeworthy opening scene with young Hellboy (surely just an excuse to get John Hurt in the film) i was hoping the film would pick up with the introduction to our villain, yet the almost immediate revelation of his fatal weakness ensured that we already knew how he would ultimately be defeated. The plot was so utterly unengaging and dull that even the fantastical creatures could not reignite my interest in what was going on. On a side note, not being aware that Seth Macfarlane had voiced the character when i first viewed the film i spent half the time wondering why Krauss sounded exactly like Klaus the fish in American Dad.