mrsebastian Reviews

Hardcore Pawn (2009–2015)

As far as reality TV cheese goes, this one's gotten really stinky.

[21 July 2011]

Let's put this show in context, it's a reality show. So if you're expecting Jerry Springer meets pawn shop, you're in for a good time!

That's until you see the one person who completely ruined the show. I know you're thinking, "hey didn't you just say, not to take this show too serious and that it's a reality show?"

Yes I did, but then the most annoying, immature, "see you next Tuesday" TV personality I have ever seen on TV, literally made it impossible to watch the show... seriously, I stopped watching mid episode and have not watched another one.

Note to producers: 1) The stars of the show are the pawn business, seeing interesting items, and the freaks that bring them in. 2) Remove Ashley from the show.

Top Gear USA (2008–2016)

Quasimoto riding his tricycle in the parking lot.

[3/10 · 30 November 2010]

I won't get overly complicated with this review. I won't tell you this show has potential, just keep watching. I won't bother mentioning it's shot very well. I will just tell you one word...

BORING.

Seven laps (ie: episodes) into America's first season of Top Gear racing, the standings are as follows... With an easy lead and first place, Top Gear UK is the king of the lot. A princely runner up and second place, goes to our Aussie friends down under... and not really in the race is Quasimoto (aka Top Gear USA) riding his tricycle in the parking lot.

The production value is there. The guys are likable and have pretty good chemistry. However, it needs to find it's own voice and soul. It's like having watched the Godfather and then watching it again, but recast with someone else. All the pieces may be just as good, but it doesn't fit together.

The bottom line, if TG US takes off the training wheels and makes it out of the parking lot (ie: the first season), it does have potential.

District 9 (2009)

i actually had contemplative thoughts hours later...

[9/10 · 17 August 2009]

i'm not big on commenting on every movie i watch, i post mostly when something sucks or is darn good. in a world of ordinary regurgitation, it's really hard to find anything unique...

without getting into lots of detail (you can get that from other comments), i will simply say this was the first movie in quite some time where i actually had contemplative thoughts hours later of what i had just been shown! from technical movie making aspects to what this story says intellectually.

hope you enjoy it as much as i did.

9/10

Bangkok Dangerous (2008)

You know what they say about assuming? The rule applies to this assassin movie too.

[3/10 · 18 September 2008]

To help you save your money and keep it out of the producers pocket, I'll give you the simple breakdown of Bangkok Dangerous, which may actually be more entertaining than the movie.

...............Spoilers Ahead...............

1. Meet our friendly neighborhood assassin. He's a really sweet guy, with the cutest puppy dog eyes. As long no one hires him to kill you, you just want to hug him! 2. Read along as he quotes some stuff from "Becoming an Assassin for Dummies". Something about four or five rules, but don't worry about remembering 'em, 'cause he won't either.

3. Pickup a sidekick named Kong... no, not King or Hong or even Donkey, it's just Kong. You'll be playing the name-rhyming game for hours afterwards.

4. Next we'll fall instantly in love, Vegas style sans cocktails unfortunately, with a sexy deaf pharmacist... happens to me all the time, but then I find myself divorced by morning. Anyway let's move on...

5. He blows it with the hottie pharmacist, 'cause he whacked two dudes in front of her... well actually she's walking in front of him and only notices, because the blood splattered on her back and since she can't hear the gun shots... you know, taken in a dark comedy context, this scene is absolutely hilarious in a slapstick sorta way.

6. The sidekick, he considered a gutter rat a day ago, is now officially his student to become a great assassin like himself... oh screw this, let's cut to the chase. The student rats him out, he "says" goodbye to his chick, he hunts down his contractor, saves Kong, and proceeds to kill himself and the contractor at the same time. The end.

ps. Don't forget to keep playing the Kong Name Game.

Solaris (1972)

Simple Solyaris (Solaris)

[10/10 · 26 August 2008]

This movie can be many things for different viewers, as they interpret it using their pre-existing knowledge...

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

... but quite simply it's the retelling of the most prolific story in modern history. That story is of course Genesis. Take if you will the following pieces… Existence, God, Angels, Eden, Adam and Eve, expulsion from Eden, the Three Wise Men, thinking in circles for meaning, no encompassing answer, getting back to Eden.

Take those pieces and creatively disguise them as a moving painting, so as to take away pre-conceptions and allow you to think anew. Plug in the lights and raise the curtain.

Watch the drama unfold with discussions of existence and morality, the battle of faith and science, and the force of will from player to player. Contemplate the player's contemplations, till your head spins with unanswerable questions as does their's. Let the trains of thought stretch so far, that you can't see the beginning, nor the end, and that the rules of religion, science, and politics have no practical application.

Finally, with no clear answer, start back at the beginning (like our main character), which will hopefully lead to a path with an answer. Step and repeat.

"Thought the title said 'Simple Solyaris'… what the (bleep) did all that mean?"

Simply put, this is a complete 165-minute contemplation of life. You sprinkle as much or as little seasoning as you like, according to your tastes. Enjoy.

(SPOILERS END)

Lastly, an additional note for the remake... with a Western point of view, that's more practical and less Eastern mystical, if you get my meaning, I believe the 2002 Solaris remake is just as good as the original. It's not possible to call one better than the other, since they are artistically different and reflect their period of creation. I believe they are equally potent and make great companions, not rivals.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Indy's two-timing-whore of a hat, makes a move on the kid from Transformers

[2/10 · 3 June 2008]

Yeah I like the Indy movies. Yes I realize they're supposed to be campy/cheesy adventure romps, and unlike National Treasure (both of 'em), which I knew were gonna be mindless- crap entertainment, Indy 4 completely forgot about the entertainment part.

To help you save your money and keep it out of the producers pocket, I'll give you the simple breakdown of Indy 4, which may just be more entertaining the actual movie and with better dialog.

...............Spoilers Ahead...............

Say hello to the good ol' U.S. of A circa "Red Scare" 50s. Say hello to Indy's hat and Harry Ford, who is four-pack shy of 70 years old. Sorry Harry, but your getting a little old to swing across a warehouse, slam back first into a truck windshield, make witty anecdote, and get back to the swashbuckling without a scratch... say hello to the new Indy sidekick, the evil commie chick and the alien corpse.

Guess what time it is? It's sidekick double cross time followed by the obligatory truck/warehouse chase scene (note: 184,000 bullets are fired in this scene and only one toe was victimized)... hey look, there's the Ark! Did you catch that? Yeah I totally saw it!... brawl with big/evil commie dude... rocket sled ride (definitely an "e" ticket)... cool nuclear explosion... flying Indy fridge... cute groundhog critter... Indy gets a shower... Indy the secret spy agent? Makes prefect sense to me too. Isn't every archaeologist a spy in their off time?

Back to teaching at the university... Doh!, cancel that, Indy just got fired... time to pack for new adventures... reminiscing about the good old' days (yeah, like Indy 1-3)... hey it's the kid from Transformers, nice motorcycle! Topics for today: crystal skulls, the "Ox", and some silly city of gold... dude, I totally think the Transformers kid, is Indy's son.

Nod to American Graffiti and we're off to the next chase scene, motorcycle style!... "hilarious" Marcus Brody statue comedy gag... "you wanna be a good archaeologist you gotta get outta the library!"

Dude, cue the map scene 'cause we're outta here... Ox's blues clues... archeology or the killer Peruvian monkey people?... who cares, we've got the alien skull... damn it he said "Ox" again... double damn, the double crosser and the commies are back, but at least the commies know how to throw a jungle party... say hello once again, to evil commie chick and the alien corpse... ah crap he said "Ox" again and look there he is, it's Ox everyone!... whatever drugs he's on, I'm gonna need some, if I'm going to make it through this movie... no, don't look into the skulls eyes Indy!

"Marion Ravenwood is your mother?"... thank you captain obvious, can we get to the chase scene or something?... stop saying "Ox" Indy, I'm begging you... "Ox"... side note: you know those (bleep)ing short versions of movies you find Youtube? Well, there will be "the Ox short version" of Indy 4 soon enough... oh no, quicksand!... an Indy/snake gag would be funny right now and look, there it is.

It's family group therapy hour (Jerry, Jerry, Jerry)... now back to our regularly scheduled chase scene... who wants to play the hot potato skull game or perhaps fencing for idiots, with premature ejaculation insults. No really, it's totally fun... then we have bullets, punching, and ball whacking with plants... monkeys, and the Transformer's kid doing Tarzan impressions. Brilliant, next.

Attack of the giant killer ants and boxing with commies. Be sure to read "Conquering Giant Evil Ants with the Alien Crystal Skull" by professor 'Ox' Oxley... "Extreme Waterfall Jumping" by Marion Ravenwood... hey, i think them aliens done went down there and learned them Indian fellars farming. Well they's some nice aliens... somebody needs to say "Ox", it's been like 5 minutes. "Ox", thank you Indy.

Oh crap, the natives are after us and they're as dangerous, as the commies (ie: we are impervious to your silly weapons)... "Ox"... "Ox"... "Ox"... sand is the key to the obelisk, which is the key to somet.h.i.n...(snore, drool)... what, huh?! Run the stairs are disappearing... awe how cute, Marion and Indy are going to kiss... NOT (that was a tease).

How does, endless cave wandering and Indian whacking by commies, help the plot? It doesn't, but we shot it. So we might as well use it, besides one of the producer's nephews was an Indian extra... so... uh... take me to your alien! Dude, the skull's like totally the key, just hold it up to the door!

Damn that double crossing sidekick is double crossing us again... somebody cue the evil commie chick... did you know, the gift of knowledge can be deadly? Well neither did the evil commie chick with a bad accent, sucks for her... damn it, he said "Ox" again... next?

Fun with dimensional portals for dummies... lol that's one evil/funny smirking alien... "Indiana Jones and the Water Cannon of Escape Ride" will be coming to a theme park near you... was that a UFO?... so what's this I hear about a city of gold?... "Captain there be no gold here, only the treasure of knowledge"... "Shiver me timbers lads, no gold, no kraken?... Hoist the sails we're off to a weddin' boys!"

Note: Indy got his teaching job back, in case you were worried.

"Henry Jones Jr. and Marion"... just (bleep)ing say "I do" already, or say "Ox" again or... Ox will now regale us with a witty anecdote... no really, thank you, it was beautiful... and finally, Indy's two-timing-whore of a hat, makes a move on the kid from Transformers... the end.

The Flock (2007)

Knock off... err... tribute to a great movie called Se7en...

[3/10 · 28 December 2007]

The reasons to watch this knock off... err... tribute to a great movie called Se7en: - It's on while your channel surfing and there's nothing else on. - Someone pays you to watch it.

Do yourself a favor and pop in the DVD for Se7en, rent it, download it on iTunes, or put it in your Netflix cue and skip The Flock entirely. The Flock the same story with with a few changes. Furthermore the editing just wreaks of Se7en and actually ends up taking you out of the story several times. The worst one is probably the fly over desert helicopter shots, with sounds of people people chattering over the radio, except there are no police helicopters flying overhead in this one.

Bottom line: I call it a blatant knock off. If you wanna be nice you can call it a tribute film, go ahead, but either way go watch Se7en.

Bug (2006)

This movie should be called "Meth Psychosis"

[5/10 · 15 June 2007]

**************this contains mild spoilers*****************

This movie should be called "Meth Psychosis"

The movie is an OK thriller at first glance, till you look at it for what it really is and that is a drug movie. Take a couple of tweakers, throw in a week long binge with no sleep, and watch reality melt away... welcome to the twisted, delusional, and paranoid world of meth psychosis. The problem is, the movie is advertised as a horror/drama or even a conspiracy thriller instead of a drug movie.

Final answer: skip it, unless it's on cable and you've got nothing else to watch.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

oh boy :(

[3/10 · 30 August 2005]

i won't go into a long discussion about the downfall of the star wars franchise in the this final installment, there are quite a few other reviews that will go into lots of details. however, i will sum it up in one statement... thank god i don't have to watch another useless, 2 minute spaceship flyby as an establishing shot, that has no relevance to telling the story and is something we've seen a million times now.

write the story first, rewrite it, work out the details, develop your characters, get help with dialog, get a real director, and worry about making cool effects last. we've seen them and we know you're good at it, but how about a real story?!

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

great zarqon, that's bloody wonderful!

[9/10 · 4 May 2005]

i won't get into lots and lots of details, but this is an absolutely great rendition! i've been a fan of the books and also the audio series over the years and am very happy to see what could easily be a 6 hour movie, work wonderfully condensed to 2. there were a few moments the dialog was a bit forced, but this has more to do with the original writing being transformed to the screen. very well cast as well and adapted for what we expect the characters/worlds to look like... can't wait for the restaurant at the end of the universe!

ps. for those of you that are new fans to hitchhiker's. go check out the books and especially the bbc audio series, as it will give you so much more of the story that doesn't fit in a 2 hour movie.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

worth seeing, but no substance...

[11 November 2003]

watch it, it's a fun movie. that said, the whole terminator franchise is fundamentally flawed at this point (as well as this movie). having read a few of the terminator books that this movie is loosely based on, i'm very disappointed where the movie went. what makes these movies so great, is the really amazing story. yes we all enjoy the special effects, but in the end it's the original story that was so fresh and exciting and that's gone out the window with t3.

worth seeing as visual entertainment, but lacks any story depth that made the original so good.

Jackass: The Movie (2002)

absolutely freakin hysterical!

[10/10 · 26 October 2002]

if you like the show, then you will love the movie! i'm still laughing my *ss off!! pure entertainment! be warned though, the movie has a lot of hand held shots, much like blaire witch and my girlfriend was getting a little green around the gills by the end.