greenviking Reviews

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)

Painful

[1/10 · 5 April 2016]

It's not funny. It's not nostalgic. It's not anything, really.

A spectacular example of hipster counterproductivity, this outrageous waste of time is really just a feature-length showcase of how much money & online hype can be flushed down the toilet by the utterly untalented.

There's no plot to give away, because nothing happens. It's just crap, stumbling from one nonsense "scene" to another, with a few little "nods" to the original along the way. I can't even think of words to describe the rest... bright colors? No attempts at continuity either, unless a small parade of lame cameos qualifies as such.

Maybe the most tragic - yet interesting - thing about this project is the increased appreciation this pile inadvertently lends to that first movie. At least Samurai Cop stumbled into accidental charisma here & there! That Amir guy must be turning in his grave.

I'd like to further skewer this trainwreck, but it's frankly just depressing.

Don't watch it. It blows.

Space Cop (2016 Video)

I Fail To See How I'm Stupid

[5/10 · 1 February 2016]

Hang onto something. Strap in. Brace yourself.

I'm about to become the first & only person to *ever* compare Rich Evans to Orlando Bloom.

Bloom has been - arguably, of course - one of the most successful supporting actors in modern cinematic history. Between Lord of the Rings & Pirates of the Caribbean, this guy seemed to be obviously destined for the bigtime.

And then Kingdom of Heaven happened... the can't-miss follow-up to Gladiator, directed by Ridley Scott with a huge budget, and *starring* Orlando Bloom, who had somehow been overlooked for a major leading role.

And that movie fell right on its face. Hard.

Which brings me to Rich Evans, another "eternal second-fiddle", who could yet be called the heart of RedLetterMedia: this seeming buffoon who nonetheless is impossible not to like, and always has something brilliant to contribute, just as you begin to wonder why the hell he's even there. Every episode they do without him just feels somewhat... soulless.

But Space Cop is a stark reminder as to why he's never really in the pilot's chair. I hate to say it, but what a debacle.

I get it: he's stupid, fat & lazy. But it's a one-note joke that gets old immediately, and drags down whatever "charm" the rest of the production might have had. I mean, hell, I recently heaved something into the toilet with more magnetism.

It's so bad that the introduction of Mike Stoklasa's character is a desperately-needed life preserver thrown in, just in the nick of time. That, and an honorable mention for Jocelyn Ridgely's bazookas. How's that for metaphors?

Anyway, I absolutely love silly crap, but this was a generally disappointing waste of time. I'd give it a lower rating if not for their usual - and more entertaining - fare.

Galavant (2015–2016)

Fun... but meanderingly pointless

[7/10 · 1 February 2016]

I really liked this show (mini-series?) in its first season, even if musicals are definitely not my typical cup of tea... but it lost quite a bit of steam by the end of season two (which aired last night).

First of all, it's something of an English/American hybrid, which is to say Yankee slang with Brit accents. This is kind of fun, and may have been deliberately thrown in to keep audiences from otherwise tuning out during the frequent musical numbers. Big pimpin', spank bank, etc.

Not that the singing & dancing was a bad thing... in fact, its cleverness & constant self-awareness was probably the right way to go with an odd little venture like this (openly questioning whether or not they'd be cancelled, that kind of thing). But sometimes it seemed like the "plot" was just whatever meandering goofiness came to mind until the next song & dance.

On the other hand... Season One was interesting in that it featured a different celebrity - to one extent or another - every episode, and that was part of the fun of it all. But Season Two? Not so much.

Not many highlights at all, really. The first outing was something of a cynical twist on the usual knight/princess story, but the second time around seemed to be a lot of unnecessarily preposterous screwing around. And while it openly mused about a third season, I can honestly say that I wouldn't want there to be one.

That, and the (extremely cute) Isabella character went from being "the other protagonist" in Season One to being an afterthought in Season Two... while Vinnie Jones' thug persona was given a ridiculous storyline and more screen time. Huh?

Fun enough to watch, but as they themselves say of the theme song: it gets old.

Heist (III) (2015)

Gina Carano, you are... the Weakest Link

[6/10 · 31 January 2016]

It's very unfortunate: Gina Carano is awesome, but certainly not for her "acting". She's more wooden than me watching Tomb Raider on mute... sans pants. If you smell what daddy's cookin'.

So obviously the only reason to put her in any movie is for fight choreography. But does this movie even do that much? Fairly shockingly, no. In fact, I don't have the slightest idea why she was cast, aside - maybe - from a momentary scuffle with Batista (I know him from his wrestling days, so the actual spelling of his name seems a bit alien to me).

And speaking of Batista, he wasn't bad... his character was essentially the thug you would expect him to be. And surprisingly, DeNiro didn't phone in his performance, as he arguably has throughout most of his career (I'm still deeply disturbed by that feather boa scene from Stardust). And then there was that other guy from that other thing, and he was the real protagonist of the movie. Not that I entirely care. Can you tell?

Anyway, the movie was overall better than expected for being one of those slips-through-the-cracks projects ("straight-to-video", we used to say). Although having a budget of $22,000,000 while grossing only $50,136 seems like a pretty bad investment...

But - again - Carano really stunk the place up. One glaring example would be her deliberate sabotaging of a police blockade (she's a cop) on the word of a hijacker. It was a moment of stupendous stupidity, but I suppose it was more the fault of whoever wrote this screenplay than of her general void of cinematic talent.

(There must be some hip/theatrical term for when a movie does something outrageously unrealistic just to keep the plot moving in a certain direction, but I seem to be drawing a blank on what that might be)

Overall the movie was alright, but I really can't get over such wasteful casting of someone like Carano. She's either hitting someone or she isn't, right?

Vengeance Unlimited (1998–1999)

My Cable Went Out

[10/10 · 13 January 2016]

My favorite show of all time... and while 1998 TV admittedly doesn't look so good in the age of Vikings or House of Cards, the fundamentals of Vengeance Unlimited are still exemplary.

Of the many good things I could say about this short-lived series, I think the ultimate summary would be this: it's perfect casting. Michael Madsen has (as of this writing) 246 acting credits, including several outrageous bombs. Do you really need to be told that he was drunk throughout the filming of Bloodrayne, for example?

But VU appears to have been an endeavor built entirely around Madsen, not unlike Mads Mikkelsen with Hannibal, or Bill Murray with Lost in Translation. It honestly seems that Madsen *is* Mr Chapel, in every moment of every scene.

As to what the show's about? Well hell, you probably wouldn't be at this page if you didn't know, right? It really is an extraordinarily unique "the bad guy gets away with it, but then the good guy gets away with it" formula. And very cynically comedic throughout.

Unfortunately the show disappeared so quickly that it never even made it to obscure DVD status... but... I've found that low-grade VHS-rip conversions of just such *do* exist.

Age & quality notwithstanding, it's a bygone concept well worth the search.

Hannibal (2013–2015)

The (Somewhat) Fallen Angel

[9/10 · 9 January 2016]

I remember back when the beloved Star Trek: The Next Generation went off the air, and what a huge disappointment that was to me (and the public at large). Ending a popular show at the height of its popularity? It seemed outrageous.

But in the years since, I've seen several shows overstay their welcome: formerly interesting story lines nosediving into mediocrity & cultural oblivion because they just didn't know when to quit.

And Hannibal is at the top of that heap.

The first two seasons were so awesomely & beautifully done that it was a mesmerizing blast to watch, almost regardless of what was actually going on. Aesthetic cannibalism!

In addition to the *endless* psychological tension... I once read that while Hopkins was the perfect Hannibal Lecter, Mikkelsen IS Hannibal Lecter. I couldn't agree more. The show was cast around him, and I can't imagine it otherwise. Creepiness made effortless & cool.

The show also kept the viewer guessing, as it frequently "remixed" the known storyline, and while the first 2/3 of its run was fairly episodic, it was still a great thrill to see what they'd spring on us next.

...until season 3. The first half steered toward acid trip territory, and while it was still exciting to watch - in a semi-lurid coffee table book sort of way - it was evident that the series had lost its direction. The meandering weirdness was simply destined to be canceled, and that's exactly what happened.

(Imagine Middle America trying to sit through bizarre slow-motion shots of artsy stuff intermixed with pseudo-philosophical conversations about the nature of a mass murderer, and there's nothing to see but the proverbial "writing on the wall", really)

But still, I liked it. A project is somewhat entitled to go off the rails when it was never fully on the rails to begin with, after all.

And then there was that second half of the third season. The story arc involving a more/less naked dude grunting about "red dragon" hallucinations.

To say that the show finally fell on its face with that character would be an understatement. All that subtlety of the long chase between the profiler & the psychopath eventually culminating in... a guy with pantyhose on his head, and a fetish for biting people?

Yikes. And not in a good way.

I suspect that the show was neglected to the point of simply running into the ground, as it had nowhere else to go. There was talk of eventually introducing Starling, but to what end? Chasing Hannibal some more? Or talking to him behind bars? Been there, done that.

But despite 1/6 of the series - frankly - tanking, I'm still giving it a near-perfect rating for proving how exceptional network TV can be. As long as someone cares about the product, anyway.

Avatar (2009)

Who's the Hottest Garbage of Them All?

[1/10 · 9 January 2016]

As the pandering Frankenstein that is the new Star Wars "movie" steamrolls its way toward dethroning Avatar's (inexplicable) preeminence, I thought I'd finally get around to copping a squat on this most mind-bogglingly absurd success story.

As with The Force Awakens, people just couldn't hand over their money fast enough, and as with The Force Awakens, I have absolutely no idea why. Because I'll just never be on board with the one & only "argument" for this movie: "the effects are really great and it looks like a lifelike world to escape into". Or some variation of such.

But notice that *serious* components of story-telling don't get mentioned... stuff like story lines, acting... you know, crap like that. Instead, it would seem that this movie reached $2.7 billion because it's "pretty".

Okay, so it looks nice... right?

Nope. In fact, I was so overwhelmingly disappointed with ALL of the effects that I just could not reconcile myself with the fact that people became so obsessed with "Pandora" that many of them were seriously depressed when the movie ended. The blue people themselves were unusually inexcusable in this regard. What the hell were the masses smoking before going into theaters around the world?

This, incidentally, is one of those "life lesson" moments, especially for the 21st century: if you're so disconnected from the real world that you need shallow entertainment to break free of your own self-imposed mental prison, then...

GO OUTSIDE. Seriously.

There's a whole world out there! Sights! Sounds! Living things! Or just switch over to PBS once in a while. You'll see critters that don't look stupid! There really is life beyond James Cameron's (allegedly) plagiarized movie, folks.

And to address an amusingly secondary factor of the film-making process: the actual storyline. I remember back in "the old days" when I would hear about Director's Cuts, and how superior they must have been to the versions of movies that got past the studios, focus groups, etc. But boy, did this movie change that.

Avatar is a prime example of what happens when no one says NO. This whole thing just felt like a rough draft. From repeated lines to extraneous dialogue, it felt like a significant rush job (not least because the effects were so surprisingly weak as well).

One glaring example that stood out for me: the assessment of the dangers the military would be facing. Early in the movie, it was described as "worse than hell out there", and yet it's also shown that the worst the blue people could do was fire arrows into tires so massive that they didn't even have an impact.

And sure enough, the later onslaught was met with such flimsy resistance that The Bad Guy was calmly sipping coffee in a flying vehicle during a major firefight. "Worse than hell"? Why, because he risked his coffee cooling to room temperature?

I don't get it. I never will. The only high point of the movie, as far as I'm concerned, was Michelle Rodriguez's low neckline. I'll never get sick of seeing that woman with a gun.

But do a few shots of cleavage make up for two and a half hours of smurf puke? That, friends, is what we call a rhetorical question. Look it up.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

Still Sucks

[1/10 · 8 January 2016]

Yep, even after seeing how bad The Force Awakens turned out to be. Two wrongs don't make this movie right, folks.

In fact, I spent years analyzing exactly how much this movie sucked, beginning with standing in line 17 years ago, and very much continuing on through the subsequent excuses.

"Sure, it wasn't a great movie, but it's just a setup for the next one, and that one will be great." Which is what they said about the next movie... and the next movie...

I've concluded that TPM was the 9/11 of American cinema: a monumental disaster that we all saw coming (Independence Day, Twister, etc setting the table for hollow CG "blockbusters"), and yet seemed powerless to prevent. Because 1999 turned out to be something of a watershed for the endless slough of BOOM BOOM crap ever since.

Transformers. Jupiter Ascending. The Hobbit (and LOTR itself, depending on who you ask). The Matrix sequels. Jurassic World. Avatar. You know what I mean.

The Floodgates of the Subpar had broken; Pandora's Box of flashy kitsch could never be closed again. Jar Jar - frighteningly - became the new normal. What, you consider a franchise where a car urinates on a guy's head to hold *any* artistic integrity? Maybe not, but you know you paid to see it.

Good job, George.

300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

Crap (with Eva Green on top)

[2/10 · 8 January 2016]

This movie was a pile in each & every way... I mean, talk about missing the mark *spectacularly*.

Atrocious casting. Worse dialogue. Terrible effects. (A glaring example being how Xerxes - for all his creepiness - had a certain gravitas in the previous movie, but here was evident as just a little dude trying to be big)

But a second star for Eva Green. And not just because of her usual "Double Assets on Display": she seemed to be the only person in this entire project to be making *any* effort at all.

Alas, one chick's sexuality & apparent drive wasn't enough to save this debacle. Really, what more of a nail in the coffin does a flop need than a line like "you fight better than you f*ck"?

Bad bad. Boobs notwithstanding.

SAGA - Curse of the Shadow (2013)

Hot chick + great fighting + actual effort (!)

[10/10 · 6 January 2016]

Awesome. As good as cheap gets, in my opinion.

Admittedly, the rating is overwhelmingly due to the chick protagonist because 1) she's hot, 2) she's hot in a slightly exotic way, and 3) she puts on better fight choreography than just about anybody I've seen in *any* movie, low budget or not. Casting above & beyond the rest, really.

As for the rest of the movie, at least serious effort was made to make it look good... in fact, much of it was just plain beautiful. Which kind of kills the rationalizations that people are making for some of the sub-par crap being wheeled out in the new Star Wars cash cow of a steamroller, for example (apparently $200,000,000 wasn't enough to iron out the kinks on some of their rushed effects).

So yeah, the story is irrelevant and plenty of it looks *beyond* dopey, but you really couldn't ask for much more from such a comparatively minor project.

The Barbarians (1987)

The Lamentations of Yo Momma

[10/10 · 4 January 2016]

Back in the 80's, we didn't have CGI... we had Gold's Gym.

(So I tell "the youngsters")

This movie is a vehicle for charisma, pure & simple, and a fantastic example of something being more than the sum of its parts. Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's another 1980's Conan rip-off. Yes, it looks bad. And no, the plot does nothing to remedy *any* of this.

But who cares? I just finished reviewing The Force Awakens, the Carefully Calculated Cash Cow that the Star Wars franchise has tragically yet inevitably become. Which immediately brought this goofy old muscle movie to mind... because it's the polar opposite, and glory-glory-hallelujah is that a good thing.

Here's the "story": some admittedly weak gypsy stuff happens for a bit, and then the rest of the movie is two ridiculously huge bodybuilder barbarians acting like the big goofs that they are.

The End. Roll credits.

In all seriousness, though, these guys have more natural charisma in their *headbands* than the super-duper-über new Star Wars movie that's currently steamrolling toward the $2 billion mark worldwide. That's right, a couple of oafs thumping plastic(?) monsters in the presence of a fog machine is *infinitely* better entertainment than Death Star #3 and its accompanying (overrated) special effects.

Zero pretentiousness. Zero much of anything substantive, really! Just good old fun.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

Pavlov's Demographic

[1/10 · 4 January 2016]

Remake? Reboot? Retread?

Maybe a recap? It is - as has been observed ad nauseam - the first six movies rolled into one. And thus one could summarize this project as a super long "previously, on _____...", with some sort of retro/remix shake & bake machination going on.

But here's what this movie IS NOT: a movie.

What the hell does that mean? It means that the entertainment industry has finally figured out how to make one film into all things to all people. Not a script or an idea later fine-tuned via test screenings, but rather a gargantuan project that *began* with test screenings. Except on a global scale.

So yeah, it's The Perfect Movie. On paper, anyway. Perfectly timed references, perfectly excusable plot holes, perfectly cast characters... the overtly Nazi "not-empire" versus a black guy & a chick being the glaring example. Yep. For what Disney spent to acquire the franchise, you're damn right they're going to pander to even the "subtlest" of zeitgeist sensibilities (is it politically incorrect to call this movie out on its political correctness?).

You have to look no further than the positive reviews of TFA to see what a paper tiger it is. Apologetics abound! "Sure, it's THE SAME MOVIE AS THE FIRST ONE... WITH A BAD BOOB JOB (metaphorically, of course), but otherwise it's like living your childhood all over again!"

Really, scroll through these ratings & reviews. Grown adults with educations are shelling out these rationalizations by the hundreds. To quote, by contrast, a good movie: "did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?"

Let's review a specific moment of the Cosmic Cash Cow that is TFA. Yep: spoilers.

Not-Luke on not-Tatooine (with not-R2) is destitute. She's looking for scraps to sell for food. This obviously suggests a bleak landscape. And then she runs by the "garbage" ship... oh, ha-ha, it's THE MILLENNIUM FALCON!!!1!!! OMG OMG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY

Except that this "derelict" ship 1) still runs perfectly, 2) is sitting out in the open, in plain sight, 3) more/less has the keys in the ignition, and 4) can be flown around & through tight spaces by this chick with zero experience doing such. But no one thinks of scrapping/selling/stealing it. Huh?

Oh, and yeah: out of the whole entire vast expanse of the ~H~U~G~E~ universe, naturally she flies the thing straight to its former owner.

That's right. It's as preposterous all around as it sounds. And people with *doctorates* can't hand over their money fast enough for this crap.

Garbage, indeed.

The "movie" is a patchwork of this at literally every turn. It's nothing even remotely coherent, it's simply a magnificent sociology project. It is cinematic proof that you can haul a wheelbarrow of cold dog feces in front of a crowd of people... but if the excrement is presented in just the right way - with just the right amount of glitter on a Star Wars nametag shoved in there somewhere - people will salivate, salivate, salivate.

If the best the masses can say about TFA is "at least it's better than the prequels", then please... bring on the apocalypse before the next chapter in the "saga" drops unmercifully from Uncle Walt's cold cryogenic crapper.

Which reminds me: what's up with many of my fellow naysayers using TFA to start rewriting history as it pertains to George Lucas? What, the guy gets a saintly glow and an attempted collective amnesia because this installment was nothing more than bloated candy?

No.

First off, George sold the franchise, and while he does have the right to complain about it as much as anyone, let's not forget what an epic middle finger The Phantom Menace was to the world. Yeah, yeah, Jar Jar sucked. But more than that, it was six years & three disasters of FFFF YOU.

Remember when the practically legendary Darth Vader was demoted & denigrated into Twilight in a plastic hat? And it only took roughly seven hours of ~RETCH~ masterful ~RETCH~ storytelling to get there! ~RETCH~ Christ in a cardboard box.

We know, George. You worked "really hard" to make "original worlds" and all that. Sure. Like shoehorning Jabba into Phantom, and having Anakin not only on Luke's same planet, but also building C-3PO! There's that small universe again.

You blew it, George. The enemy of my enemy is not my friend. Not in this case, anyway.