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The Devil's Rejects (2005)
The film that saved horror in 2005
Of all the tragically lame Hollywood rehashes of 70's exploitation horror (Texas Chainsaw, Wrong Turn), Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" proved to be the only film to be made with love and care. Zombie's shown his knowledge of horror and camp dating back all the way to "The Cabinet of Dr. Calagari" in his music videos for years. Zombie's "love letter" to drive- in horror was done to the T, even the clichéd "The End?" tacked on.
For its inevitable sequel, "The Devil's Rejects", Zombie didn't just redo the same film (as the Texas Chainsaw series did), he pushed the genre forward. The tables have turned this time right from the start. The law has finally had enough of the Firefly gang and forces them out of their house. Those who survive the hectic shootout spend the rest of the film on the run. (But don't worry, they make sure to spend time torturing a few unlucky blokes while they lay low for an act.) Meanwhile, the vengeful county sheriff, still seeing red over his brother's murder in the previous film, is hell bent on exacting revenge. Does the Firefly family fear anything? More importantly do they love anything?
The plot is very basic, but the film makes great use of its time exploring its characters. You may or may not find yourself feeling sympathy for the Firefly family, but no doubt their bond is something thats been overlooked in every "crazy murdering family" movie. It's amazing to just watch how comfortable and "normal" these characters are around each other, trusting each other, being honest to each other. They are a true family. Not to mention Sheriff Wydell's decent into madness, drawing a brilliant parallel between him and his adversaries.
But all that narrative and film-making shnozzy stuff, blah blah. Is it offensive!? Damn right it is! Hell, the film does open with a naked corpse being dragged through a lawn after all. There's graphic full frontal nudity, unedited head shots, entry wounds, exit wounds... you name it. The family is without their 1,000 corpse house, so don't expect the deaths to be as complicated, but the verbal abuse and diversity of the victims is all there. Also, what makes this movie great is that every character (except two or three) all deserve their death due to their incompetence or failure to keep a cool head.
Acting - as usual, Sid Haig steals the show. He gets to unleash his Spaulding charm on twice as many lucky people in this one and it's a blast to watch. And the cameos! oh the brilliant old school horror cameos. Ken Foree and Michael Berryman play hilarious characters with lots of screen time. Not to forget professional actor / comedian / horror film geek, Brian Posehn.
9/10 stars just because i saw the climax coming a mile away. But everything before and after (and a little during) is brilliant. The soundtrack, the duologue, so many hilarious fake- outs in the narrative using edits and camera reveals. This movie is just too fun to miss. Who cares if no one else is seeing this? If you're watching this alone you can laugh and cheer out loud all you want. So check your sense of morals and compassion at the door and rock and roll with the Firefly family one more time.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
Not prefect, but true to the source.
In 2004 it was announced that a Disney backed studio production of the popular cult sci-fi comedy tale "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" had begun shooting.
This made many fans of the series angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.
To even try to make the tale of Arthur Dent, total improbability, and life, the universe...and everything is a bold task. Anyone familiar with creator, Douglas Adams' work, knows that his humor relies heavy on narration and interior thought; something that doesn't translate well into the film medium. But if history has proved anything about the many forms of "The Guide" (a radio broadcast, series of books, TV miniseries, video game...) it's that each incarnation always brings out something fresh and original to the series.
Certainly, this is a movie to take your friend to, if your friend is the type to indulge himself on hallucinogenics before his movie going experience. Without a doubt, this is the fastest and most explosive telling of the guide yet. The effects (a genius blend of Jim Henson creature shop style and modern computer animation) consistently bring the story to life with every scene. The pacing hardly lets up seemingly cramming every oddity of the universe into 109 minutes. The spirit of the guide is captured brilliantly, with unpredictability at every turn, leading to a thoughtful look into... "Why?"
Unfortunately, an adventure that goes in circles with no purpose, and leaves us asking questions or shrugging "that's life" doesn't make for the best cinema, especially those accustomed to the "beginning / middle / end" case closed story. Fans of the series shouldn't blame the film for these problems; it's just not made for the cinema realm. The same goes for such classic Guide moments as "The Sperm Whale". Hilarious on paper, but basically the same exact thing, just spoken out loud with the visual image of a whale on the screen. Hopefully to guide virgins this is a hit, but I found myself looking at my watch during bits like these.
You can blame Disney for the ridiculous "childrenising" of the film. I suppose in America, if a comedy doesn't have swearing or sex, or anything shocking to make the teens shout "OH SNAP" at the one-liners, it's therefore inherently a kids film. Not only was this film packaged with terrible cliché G rated trailers, but the film itself was covered with terrible "boastful or "oh, here is something delightfully funny" music. Not to mention any jokes, heck, even most of the afterthoughts, of the end of the human race were cut; turning the feeling of the film from dark comedy to "wait a minute, does Arthur even care everything and everybody he ever knew is gone?" Finally, fans of the books will be disappointed by the result of Marvin's actions at the end of the film. Nowhere near as dark and hilarious as in the original series.
The only real problem with the film itself as a film is its pacing. If perhaps a few corny bits were edited out, we might have had time to settle down with Arthur and his Earthly problems, before he (and we, since the story is revealed to us as it is to him) is hurled into space and the insanity that ensues. I never felt connected to Arthur until about 2/3 through the film, when we were given some breathing room. Zaphod is played to the T with every inch of flair and enthusiasm in Sam Rockwell's body, but it isn't after quite a while (and reveled to us in a soft, fleeting moment) we learn just what in the heck his deal is and why he acts like a maniac.
Newbies to the guide with an open mind to deliberately scattered storytelling, and those not afraid to laugh at humor that *doesn't* have genitalia gags, are in for a fun story. Fans of the guide should see this for spectacular effects that finally do the story justice, outstanding and enthusiastic acting by all players, and perhaps the last fresh Adams material before his passing. Just try not to be so disappointed your favorite line was cut for time, or that you don't find yourself laughing at the same bits as much as you had before.
An honest, but mediocre effort. With a more experienced director, this could have been a knockout film. Despite being underwhelmed by the whole thing, I'm hoping this film will achieve enough cult status and generate enough new fans of the guide to warrant a sequel.
Anna to the Infinite Power (1983)
What the...
I just caught this on Showtime this morning as well. This movie redefines hiding from senior citizen nurses, as in it's never been less thrilling. Also, whats up with the rotary phone that looks exactly like a normal handheld touch-tone wall phone? This movie is so lousy i wouldn't even see the point in writing about it. But Showtime felt it was good enough yo air at least twice so i'm just balancing out the universe here.
Eat and Run (1986)
One short comment
I would just like to comment that this movie scared the everloving bejeezus out of me when i was a child. Seriously, to the point where if i saw even the box sitting on a shelf in the video rental store i would start panicing as if the walls were closing in on me. All i ever remember of this movie is the very first scene where the fat guy eats a roadside hot dog vendor. I distincivly remember the victum's eye-view being the last shot of that scene. So a word of advice, don't let your children watch this. I grew up to be a pretty skinny guy and i won't set aside the fact that this movie may take some of the blame...
Fugitive Alien (1986)
Cheesy indeed, but at least not boring.
I very short lived TV series packaged into a movie brought to us by Sandy Frank; who has brought the Gamera films and Time of The Apes overseas. This movie(?) actually isn't all that painful. The plot makes sense, and you can actually tell who the characters are. So it is watchable, just rediculous. Several things aren't explained. Like who exactly these Wolf Raiders are, why they wear wigs to the battlefield, and several behavoiral patterns that just make you go "huh?". Also the hero has the strengh of ten men and can stop forklifts at full acceleration, yet falls down from a clean punch.
The most frustrating thing i found with this movie and plenty of the Sandy Frank films i've seen is this "failed plan" thats in each movie. Here's an example: Our hereo is trapped in prison, so he supports himself up against the top corner of the cell hiding from view. The guard is about to open the door to search the cell and inadvertantly let the captive go. But he spots his foot first, as says "get down from there." end scene. What was the point of that scene? Next he ties an explosive to a cell door to bust it open, and it fails. So we watch him carefully take his time and wire another two explosives to open the door. Another waste of time! It's just disguised film padding.
This movie stands on it's own as something to pass time on a rainy day, but the MST3K version is golden. Probably my favorite episode ever because of Joel Hodgson's dead on and hilarious impersonation of Captain Joe from the movie. No matter which version you watch I'll guarantee you'll be quoting "haa-hahahahahaha-haha-haaahahahaYOU'RESTUCKHERE!"
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Everything has been said but we must say it all again
"This movie sucks" "I hate this movie" "i can't believe what i just saw" Typical reviews to this stupidity parade called Jaws: The Revenge. And the sad thing is it's all understandable. I still HATE this movie, so much! I'm like Burce Wayne, even after avenging his parents death the rage and fight is still there. Even after writing an argession filled review three years ago, i still have to come back here every few months to read these same reinforcing hate filled reviews. Because no matter how many times a reviewer points out that a SHARK stands on its tail and roars my head can never fathom the earth-shattering stupidity of it all. Bruce Wayne will never get his parents back, I will never get my 90 minutes back, and the scar left on the name of a groundbreaking piece of cinema will never heal.
I'll forgo the instinctual impossibility that a shark would camouflage himself near a piece of driftwood to eat a person on a boat rather than just swim up and eat another fish. I'll forgo the logistical impossibility that a shark fearing widow would flee her island home to ANOTHER ISLAND! As I type this I just watched today's best NHL goaltender come out of his zone, drop his stick and let an open ice puck crawl right between his legs for a goal in the Stanley Cup finals. So people make stupid mistakes in times of pressure, I'll forgive you Ms. Brody, just as I forgave Mr. Brodeur. After all what brings more pressure than a telepathic, reborn, teleporting, roaring, exploding, vengeful predator of the seas? I'll even forgo the physical impossibility of surviving the bends.
This ending, although cannot be forgiven by Jesus Christ himself. The last twenty minutes is just an unbelievable orgy of every irrational idea conceived by filmmakers. There was a method behind Spielberg's exiting finale in 1975. He said that by that point he "has his audience." After taking them on this thrilling yet conceivable ride, that for just a few seconds they would suspend their beliefs and allow a great white to swim around chewing on an oxygen tank. Well he was right. Maybe the makers of Jaws: The Revenge had a reverse plan... maybe their plan was to constantly bombard you with inconceivable acts of stupidity and impossibility until you are rendered retarded from the whole ordeal so when they unleash a plethora of insanity at the climax you barely realize it.
Can there be any other excuse for a shark to walk on its hind fins, roar, catch a man in his razor sharp mouth in slow motion, let him survive, get poked by a stick, and explode!? Ok let us look at this systematically. A shark on its hind fins: Maybe they were trying to out-do the original scene where Bruce capsizes the Orca. "Well a shark lunging out of the water to surface onto an already half-sunken, half decaying boat is pretty amazing. Let's do something really amazing!" Too much of a good thing, no wonder this is a sequal. And what they can't "improve" on from the original, they just steal. Just random scenes of the original thrown in the movie, as if to say "Hey, she's saying the same thing her husband said while fighting a shark, what a great example of.." bullshit! it's pointless and only reminds me of what film I SHOULD be watching! And she's not heroically surviving one last face to face battle with the predator armed with only a rifle. She's on a huge boat with all her surviving friends and family about to poke the gravity defying fish that's wearing some flash cube. Not exciting at all, it's pathetic! Two last comments before I finish... why would they make the shark roar? I suppose the filmmakers knew they weren't gifted enough to make a giant hungry silent eating machine about to attack be scary, so they made it roar to add "a scary sound effect." You know in slasher movies when they just make a nail-on-chalkboards sound whenever the murderer pops out? That kind of cheap garbage. But they can't have someone just scream, or have a loud wave crashing sound. No, it has to be this insanely thoughtless roar. Finally, the explosion. Have you ever seen that Simpsons gag where something clearly stable and inflammable like a shopping cart crashes and explodes? That satirical gag is EXACTLY what this movie pulls, and wants you to seriously accept it! Try to think about that fact logically for more than a minute and don't blame me when you regain consciousness. To see something like this even referred to as a serious idea is inconceivable for even half a second!
Well, as I finish this review, the Devils paid for their mistake and lost the game. So that piled on all these horrible factors that equal Jaws The Revenge, i must retire before i simply throw my computer out the window. To conclude, I hate this movie, you should hate this movie. And it is NOT healthy to imagine Spielberg making a sequel to "save" this franchise. It should have never been a franchise anyway. It was a wonderful suspenseful work of art about nature, fear, and survival; and now the name is synonymous with monumental acts of stupidity and ridiculousness. Please, enough damage has been done.
It Conquered the World (1956)
One of the best "bad" movies i have seen
This has to be the underdog of all movies. Let's see, it's a Roger Corman movie, it has Peter Graves who at the time was a b-movie magnet, and a monster that looks like corn-on-the-cob with fangs. Going in you know you're in for the works, but something magical happens. Maybe the planets were aligned when this film was made. There's acting... good acting, with emotion even. You may even find yourself caring about the characters and pondering the questions asked by the film. This isn't exactly a monster movie. It's more of a "..body snatchers" paranoia film. Call me a sucker for that kind of formula, but I love it. Sure there are silly looking foam gloves that are supposed to resemble bats "infecting" the town, but you can overlook that. And the whole presence of electricity and plumbing to indicate the enemy is a clever touch. Like Spielberg did with Jaws, Corman holds back his monster in all its "glory" till the very end. And that's where the Jaws comparisons end as well. Here's the B-movie cheese we've all come to know and love. What a sorry laughable excuse for a monster. And the fodder that just hugs it and gets brushed to death by flailing arms, not to mention the over the top speech given by Graves. By then it really doesn't matter, because the film had already tickled your higher taste senses when you left them off guard. The climax may be silly, but without it wouldn't be a good "bad" movie. It would be just another movie. Finally a movie that can be enjoyed on its own, and with the MST3K crew. Check out either version.
Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (1969)
stupid stupid fun
There are two kinds of bad movies really. One type is movies that are so insulting, trite, and boring that feelings of pain and hatred are the result. Then there are movies so bad in their own goofy way that they bring joy and entertainment. Fortunately this installment in the Gamera series is the latter. Once this movie is in full swing the images and sounds that you will see will be so unbelievable you won't know weather to be shocked or simply fall to the ground laughing. I was doing both.
The plot is no different than most Japanese monster films. Annoying, poorly clothed, nosy children get in trouble with some space aliens and their rubber-suited, model-smashing friend saves them. In this adaptation of that story the kids hijack an abandoned UFO and crash on a planet inhabited by two spacewomen who want to eat their brains. Our hero, Gamera (a giant rocket powered turtle) fights off a blade headed foe. Highlights include a child getting a bad haircut for the rest of the film, the way Gamera flies (picture one of those firecrackers that spin around and shot fire), Gamera pulling gymnast flips on the model city, and the most gory monster fight I have ever seen. I have a new found respect for Godzilla's subtlety now after seeing a monster amputated, decapitated, and sliced like salami. If you're bored catch this one. Don't bother with the earth scenes unless you are watching the MST3K version, and jump straight to the ridiculousness for lots of fun.
Lost Continent (1951)
A dinosaur movie with not that many dinosuars
Fifties sci-fi actors bother me. I hate their one dimensional characters, I hate their lame dry witticisms every minute or so, and I hate that phony puff out the chest from the gut voice deal they all do. With that said, Lost Continent is a lot of that. It's a manly out-act fest with a comic relief, phony accent, and guy who dies first characters thrown in. A bunch of scientists and army folk go to retrieve a rouge rocket in the name of science. The island is inhabited by natives that can speak English but haven't learned words like "the" and "is" yet. The rocket is on top of a mountain, and at this point you'd call for trained mountain climbing professionals to retrieve right? Nope, the gang decides to climb it themselves, and as the rest of these comments hint, climb it they will. For the next what seems like 2 hours you'll see the same set redecorated set to look like the next step of a tremendous mountain, then after every 10 minutes you'll watch them hit a dead end and track back.Once we get to the top we have a little land that time forgot. By now you'll notice it's not a continent that's lost, just the top of a mountain. The dinos are a whole lot of disappointment. Before we see a real dino we get a stock footage shot of a household lizard while mountain climbing. At the top we meet a man-eating brontosaurus (sigh), and a few triceratopses. Sorry kids, no T-Rex here. Anyway people die but no one seems to care. One poor sap doesn't even get a moment of silence. They just jump cut to the next scene. The only good part if this movie really is the escape of the collapsing island. It's not much, just the same old jumping over newly formed pits in the ground, but hey it's the fifties and it's a pretty lame movie anyway.