Interesting idea for an espionage story, but the plot appears to have been written by a schoolchild, it's so inept. The shenanigans on board the aircraft are hilariously implausible. Six deaths on the flight at the last count and the passengers seem mostly calm. The response of the policewoman in charge of returning the murder suspect is equally underwhelming. In the meantime, her sister who is a rookie journalist has a meltdown that displays her entire acting ability. As wooden as a tree. Meanwhile we have an aircraft virtually completing a nine hour flight before retracing its flight path without refuelling. Add the stupidly awkward affair between the head of MI5 the UK CIA Chief - do us a favour. Complete nonsense.
Reviews
39 Reviews
Passenger
(2024– )
Pointlessly complex
1 April 2024
Warning: Spoilers
The premise sounded good - a close-knit community, surrounded by moorland and forest, threatened by strange forces that involve disappearing girls (who then reappear as if nothing happened to them) and eerie flashbacks that suggest some malevolent force behind it all.
Unfortunately, there were three major problems.
The local police force was a joke. Lead detective, Riya, was unconvincing. Her attitude, behaviour and decision making were all over the place (rather like the plot). Her two colleagues were presumably meant to provide comic relief but were simply dim. Their boss seemed to have a thing against investigations - she was more interested in winning the Best Kept Village award. Bizarre but not remotely funny.
The way the episodes were constructed - jumping from one scene to the next then the next then the next without any sense of cohesion or resolution. This was presumably intended to inject some suspense into proceedings but instead it made the baffling story-line even more confusing.
The conclusion - the biggest con ever. We are no wiser about what has been going on than we were five minutes into episode 1. Is it an alien? Some kind of nerve gas? A supernatural entity created by the dark web? We'll never know because it ended on a cliff-hanger. . . Which I have no intention of following up if ever they commission a second season.
Six hours of my life I'll never get back. I should have listened to my friends who gave up watching about half way during episode 2. A dog's dinner that wasted my time and that of the talented cast and production team.
Unfortunately, there were three major problems.
The local police force was a joke. Lead detective, Riya, was unconvincing. Her attitude, behaviour and decision making were all over the place (rather like the plot). Her two colleagues were presumably meant to provide comic relief but were simply dim. Their boss seemed to have a thing against investigations - she was more interested in winning the Best Kept Village award. Bizarre but not remotely funny.
The way the episodes were constructed - jumping from one scene to the next then the next then the next without any sense of cohesion or resolution. This was presumably intended to inject some suspense into proceedings but instead it made the baffling story-line even more confusing.
The conclusion - the biggest con ever. We are no wiser about what has been going on than we were five minutes into episode 1. Is it an alien? Some kind of nerve gas? A supernatural entity created by the dark web? We'll never know because it ended on a cliff-hanger. . . Which I have no intention of following up if ever they commission a second season.
Six hours of my life I'll never get back. I should have listened to my friends who gave up watching about half way during episode 2. A dog's dinner that wasted my time and that of the talented cast and production team.
The Girl from St. Agnes
(2019– )
Could have easily been condensed into 6 episodes
3 March 2024
Warning: Spoilers
It would appear that ITV have recently been buying cheap English-language dramas from Australia, New Zealand and in this instance South Africa to avoid having to spend money producing their own home-grown series. The results have often been dire, with the best being merely watchable. 'The Girl from St Agnes' is watchable - though there are far too many meandering scenes where a song is played on the soundtrack while one of the characters gazes into space in a meaningful way. The songs are whiney and tuneless and merely add to the amateurish melodrama. The main protagonist is particularly prone to these reveries when she's not exploding with fake emotion. Nina Milner's acting skills are rather awful.
The plot is intriguing, although it would seem that every single character has a motive to want Lexi dead which diminishes the suspense by the half way mark. What's baffling is the police chief's decision to close the case and class it as suicide when all the evidence points to murder (leaving it to Nancy to investigate in the most clunky way possible). He is in the pocket of the local landowner (Clayton) but there's no reason why Clayton wants the murder hidden until the very end of the story which makes no sense.
As far as the exotic location - forget it. South African society appears to be riddled with racists, misogynistic psychopaths and vile individuals in general. Not one single person comes out looking good at the end. One also assumes casting were asked to pick some of the least attractive actors available for this show.
Nina Milner might be a model in another life, but most of the time she looks like an anorexic android. And one of the local indigenous girls, the one with an attitude problem, looks simply odd. Then we have Tristan de Beer - portraying a schoolboy who looks about 40 years old - he has to be the most obnoxious character ever to appear on British TV. The boys from St Ambrose are universally vile and their attempt at boyish banter is revolting. But Tristan is the worst of them all Shame on South African TV for portraying public schools over there in such a negative way without a single redeeming factor.
The plot is intriguing, although it would seem that every single character has a motive to want Lexi dead which diminishes the suspense by the half way mark. What's baffling is the police chief's decision to close the case and class it as suicide when all the evidence points to murder (leaving it to Nancy to investigate in the most clunky way possible). He is in the pocket of the local landowner (Clayton) but there's no reason why Clayton wants the murder hidden until the very end of the story which makes no sense.
As far as the exotic location - forget it. South African society appears to be riddled with racists, misogynistic psychopaths and vile individuals in general. Not one single person comes out looking good at the end. One also assumes casting were asked to pick some of the least attractive actors available for this show.
Nina Milner might be a model in another life, but most of the time she looks like an anorexic android. And one of the local indigenous girls, the one with an attitude problem, looks simply odd. Then we have Tristan de Beer - portraying a schoolboy who looks about 40 years old - he has to be the most obnoxious character ever to appear on British TV. The boys from St Ambrose are universally vile and their attempt at boyish banter is revolting. But Tristan is the worst of them all Shame on South African TV for portraying public schools over there in such a negative way without a single redeeming factor.
After the Flood
(2024– )
Ridiculous plot loopholes make this 2-star at best
31 January 2024
The opening with a baby being rescued from a flooded river by a mysterious hero promised a tense, exciting story. But in the grand scheme of things the entire scene was irrelevant to what follows, and when the hero does reappear it was jaw-droppingly unbelievable. The plot relies on too many lazy coincidences that enable the female lead to go rogue and solve the crime without any help from the rest of the police force. That in itself is plain silly. But add the ridiculous situation when her husband turns up to conduct a search and fails to spot his wife's car at the entrance to the building. . . And you have a scriptwriter who would be better working on children's cartoons than cutting-edge TV drama. Watchable, but for all the wrong reasons.
Catering Christmas
(2022 TV Movie)
As bad as the movie's title
7 December 2023
A lesson in how to get away with writing a cringeworthy script and smother everything in fake Christmas schmaltz then get someone to make a film about it. Most of the movie involves two awkward characters pretending they are not going to end up as a couple - and a matriarch who makes Jessica Fletcher look like a softie. The acting is straight out of daytime soap-land. It's very hard to understand why Americans love this kind of rubbish so much. Anything with a tenuous Christmas connection is fair game - but a plot about an outside caterer given the task of making the best Christmas meal ever? Yawn.
Harlan Coben's Shelter
(2023)
A complete mess
25 September 2023
Three episodes in and we gave up watching. Harlan Coben writes passably good thrillers with clever plot twists. But shame on him if he had anything to do with this dog's dinner. The plot is nonsensical from start to finish. Most of the sub-plots appear from nowhere, as if cut and pasted from a different story. They are irrelevant and fizzle out. The characters are paper-thin and stereotypical and their behaviour is plain stupid. The pacing is also way off, and the music often makes this look like an MTV clip or a Glee-like rom-com for teens rather than a serious TV thriller. I was reminded of the way Stranger Things morphed from a bingeworthy series to a weird, multi-coloured extravaganza aimed at kindergartners. This isn't quite that bad (although if there is a second series I despair where it will end up). The main problem is, for most of the disjointed series we don't know what is going on. And when we finally discover the truth (really?) it is unbelievable. A sad waste of time for all concerned.
I.T.
(2016)
Well worth watching
10 September 2023
Warning: Spoilers
The plot is somewhat predictable - IT whizz-kid turns out to be too good to be true when he is warned to stay away from his boss's family (specifically his teenage daughter) and then fired, But the suspense racks up really nicely as the unhinged hacker turns nasty and uses his skills to make his boss's life hell. The use of computer generated sounds and images related to the cyber-world is also effective. Not the most cerebral of thrillers, but the pace is relentless and the acting from all four leads is spot on. One of the few films I've watched recently that I would happily sit through again.
Bird Box: Barcelona
(2023)
Poor rehash
24 July 2023
There's nothing to commend this apart from some of the CGI visuals that convey the sense of a decaying civilisation. The acting is wooden. The plot either confusing or repetitive. And, with such a muddled sound, subtitles were essential in order to follow the story. Unfortunately, only about 30% of the film when shown on Netflix displayed subtitles. They would appear and disappear at random making an already disjointed movie even more impossible to figure out. Hardly worth the effort of watching unless you have two hours to kill. The original was by far the better of the two. I'm not even sure why they bothered making this sequel.
Run Rabbit Run
(2023)
So much could have done to make this better
2 July 2023
Warning: Spoilers
I'll begin by disagreeing with those who praised Sarah Snook's role. I felt she was completely unbelievable as the mother of a child - either because she was meant to portray an useless parent (I doubt it) or a paranoid woman with issues of guilt that meant she didn't have time to look after her child. The interaction between Mia and her mother was awkward at best - no empathy shown when the child had nightmares, for example. When Mia says 'You're not my mom' one had to wonder - except, that wasn't the case here.
The film starts with an interesting concept: mother tries to get rid of a rabbit that has mysteriously appeared on the family doorstep and been adopted by the child. The child witnesses this cruel behaviour and begins to behave like a rabbit (wearing a rabbit cut-out mask - which was chilling and spending the night in the hutch). But after this intriguing opening, the story meanders. There are too many questions and virtually no answers. Does the grandmother suffer dementia spasmodically or permanently? Why did the grandfather leave his wife and take his daughter with him - and did he know what she had done? Why was the river not searched when Alice went missing? How much of what we are shown is only in Sarah's mind and how much is in Mia's delusions? It was never made clear, and the ending was rather a cop out. Suspense works better when we know what is going on (but the character maybe does not). In this instance, there were too many times when the audience has no idea what happened during or after the event.
The film starts with an interesting concept: mother tries to get rid of a rabbit that has mysteriously appeared on the family doorstep and been adopted by the child. The child witnesses this cruel behaviour and begins to behave like a rabbit (wearing a rabbit cut-out mask - which was chilling and spending the night in the hutch). But after this intriguing opening, the story meanders. There are too many questions and virtually no answers. Does the grandmother suffer dementia spasmodically or permanently? Why did the grandfather leave his wife and take his daughter with him - and did he know what she had done? Why was the river not searched when Alice went missing? How much of what we are shown is only in Sarah's mind and how much is in Mia's delusions? It was never made clear, and the ending was rather a cop out. Suspense works better when we know what is going on (but the character maybe does not). In this instance, there were too many times when the audience has no idea what happened during or after the event.
Annika
(2021– )
Not remotely witty
25 June 2023
Nicola Walker is a great actress and we were so looking forward to this. But we didn't manage to watch beyond the first half hour of episode 1. Her constant monologues to camera were distracting, rather lame and ultimately spoilt what could have been a promising new detective series. Someone obviously thought this would make her character more interesting and quirky in a storyline that copied hundreds of other police procedurals where mum is a police officer and the children find it difficult growing up in a home environment where they come second to mum's career. However, in this case the silly asides were annoying and pointless.
Boston Strangler
(2023)
No-mo rather than Slo-mo
14 June 2023
I wanted to enjoy this. . . But it dragged on and on, and the level of tension one would expect each time the reporters sniffed a breakthrough in their investigation was soon dampened by another rather tedious domestic scene where poor hubby has to mind the kids to allow his wife to pursue her dream career. The lack of genuine closure at the end seemed to mirror the meandering plot. It's based on fact, but I hoped there would be a better conclusion.
Decent actors but let down by a rather mundane script. Would I recommend this to others? Only if you have an hour and a half to kill and there's nothing better on TV.
Decent actors but let down by a rather mundane script. Would I recommend this to others? Only if you have an hour and a half to kill and there's nothing better on TV.
Murder Mystery 2
(2023)
Big budget shambles
5 April 2023
Jennifer Aniston has featured in a couple of stand-out comedies - 'We're the Millers' being among the smartest and snappiest. Adam Sandler is more of an acquired taste unless you're a ten-year-old who gets a laugh out of recycled jokes.
Fortunately, I did not get to watch the first Murder Mystery but was recommended this by a friend as a fun movie. How frustrating to see so much money squandered on a silly plot, with a cast of well-respected actors including the two stars hamming it up so desperately for laughs.
Do yourself a favour and find something better to do than sit through this embarrassment. You could do a lot worse than defrost your freezer for the hour and a half you'd save by avoiding this tosh.
Fortunately, I did not get to watch the first Murder Mystery but was recommended this by a friend as a fun movie. How frustrating to see so much money squandered on a silly plot, with a cast of well-respected actors including the two stars hamming it up so desperately for laughs.
Do yourself a favour and find something better to do than sit through this embarrassment. You could do a lot worse than defrost your freezer for the hour and a half you'd save by avoiding this tosh.
Elvis
(2022)
Over the top attempt for short attention audience
8 March 2023
Warning: Spoilers
There's so much to like about Elvis's meteoric rise to iconic status at a time when 'rock' music was considered the work of the Devil. Unfortunately, Luhrmann throws in every trick in the book but forgets to create an engaging plot. The beginning is flashy and chaotic - noise and garish colours with no cohesion. Then the story gets bogged down in Elvis's battles with authority who consider his performances a violation of American decency followed by his mother's death and his draft experiences. By this point, his musical career was put on hold (in reality and in the film). Quite why so much time was spent on this hiatus in his career is baffling because any momentum created earlier in the movie was lost, never to be regained. A flop as far as I'm concerned, more of an MTV-wannabe than a grown-up biopic. And for the record, Hanks was grotesque as were many of the minor cast members.
Other Disasters - this film being the biggest of them all
21 February 2023
Warning: Spoilers
This looks like the worst ever attempt at making a 'funny' movie that will appeal to the widest audience possible - from teenagers to pensioners. It also looked like it was scripted by a committee with each writer wanting to add one more 'funny' scene to get the audience rolling with laughter. Unfortunately, every single attempt at humour falls flat.
A blind woman crashing into the furniture every time she enters a room and falling over a futon after her one night stand relocated it - not remotely funny. A three-foot tall guy chained to a seven-foot tall woman in an attempt at a crazy dating game show - offensive rather than funny. Three Russian men - who as everyone knows must belong to the Russian mafia - tiresome and not funny. One half of the bridal party arriving at the wedding ceremony in an amphibious vehicle - the other half on a selection of tricycles - pathetic.
Then we have the casting. Jeremy Irons hamming it up as if his pension depended on it. Diane Keaton with a permanent grin pasted on her face as if constipated. A street musician sounding as if she was undergoing surgery without the anaesthetic. Whoever commissioned this has obviously never managed to grasp the basic attributes of comedy - it's meant to make the audience laugh rather than the cast. Ignore the 10-star reviews and do yourselves a favour. AVOID.
A blind woman crashing into the furniture every time she enters a room and falling over a futon after her one night stand relocated it - not remotely funny. A three-foot tall guy chained to a seven-foot tall woman in an attempt at a crazy dating game show - offensive rather than funny. Three Russian men - who as everyone knows must belong to the Russian mafia - tiresome and not funny. One half of the bridal party arriving at the wedding ceremony in an amphibious vehicle - the other half on a selection of tricycles - pathetic.
Then we have the casting. Jeremy Irons hamming it up as if his pension depended on it. Diane Keaton with a permanent grin pasted on her face as if constipated. A street musician sounding as if she was undergoing surgery without the anaesthetic. Whoever commissioned this has obviously never managed to grasp the basic attributes of comedy - it's meant to make the audience laugh rather than the cast. Ignore the 10-star reviews and do yourselves a favour. AVOID.
The Gray Man
(2022)
Suspend disbelief and you might manage to sit through this nonsense. I couldn't.
21 January 2023
If you've seen the John Wick movies, then you will have some idea of the premise behind this one. Lone hero, hunted by an army of gun-toting baddies, survives every attempt to kill him (and presumably ends up putting right every wrong - presumably, because I didn't watch right tp the end). The plot is wafer thin, the characters cardboard cut-outs from the 'lone agent' shop, and the action shots are a mish-mash of dubious CGI, distracting flash bangs and loud sound effects. There is obviously an audience for this nonsense - I'm guessing those who like to play shoot-em-up video games. Sadly, it's not worth the entry fee to the theatre, but fortunately we tuned into Netflix. Not Billy Bob Thornton's or Ryan Gosling's finest moment - but one assumes they have to eat like everyone else.
Deadwind
(2018–2021)
Can't wait to binge watch series 2 and 3
5 January 2023
Nordic noir has produced some gripping dramas and this ranks amongst the highest. Brilliant acting - the main characters do a great job in portraying real cops in real situations rather than cardboard cut-outs simply sleep-walking through the script. Ok, one or two plot diversions were unnecessary (the private clinic section was rather silly), but there are enough red herrings to keep you guessing. And yes, I had my suspicions about the perpetrator from quite early in the story but was still unsure enough to keep watching right to the end. The actress who plays detective Karppi deserves an award for this performance.
The Valhalla Murders
(2019–2020)
Too many cliches to take seriously
5 January 2023
Being a huge fan of Scandinavian crime dramas, I had high hopes of this series. Unfortunately, it was obvious from the first episode that this was a cut and paste job done on the cheap copying every European police procedural featuring a female detective lead who was misunderstood by her bosses and who had a point to prove. The acting was stilted at best, the scenes far too rushed to achieve anything other than establish context, and the sheer lack of credible suspense made this a huge disappointment. If you enjoy this kind of thriller, I'd recommend you watch 'Deadwind' which is 100 times better than this tedious series.
The Sea Beast
(2022)
Tedious sermonising and woeful characterisation. . .
9 July 2022
Tedious sermonising and woeful characterisation made this a 2 hour slog. I'm a fan of animated movies - many a time I've watched the same one over and over again from the sheer joy of escaping into a make-believe world. Sadly, The Sea Beast is a hopeless hodge-podge of genres - hardly a child-friendly movie (frightening aliens creatures, repulsive characters and dubious dialogue - 'bollocksed' anyone) and yet the main monster looks like a plastic chewy toy your favourite puppy might like - and the little infantile blue monsters seem to have appeared from a totally different movie ('Trolls' maybe). The hero - Jacob - is a naive and rather stupid child in an adult's body while the little girl is sickeningly sassy and self-confident, spouting pearls of wisdom rather than actually having the kind of conversation a child would enjoy listening to. Obviously, the director had a message to convey come hell or high water. It might have been easier if he'd hired a bill-board for the week. Ignore the good reviews - this is a crock of. . .
Brighton
(II) (2019)
Shockingly bad
22 May 2022
Warning: Spoilers
This has to qualify as one of the worst films I have ever endured. The cast must have been desperate for a pay cheque late in their careers to agree to appearing in such a horrible movie. Two obnoxious geezers from the East End of London - racist, homophobic and misogynist - decide to take their wives to Brighton to rediscover their youth (only to find the world has moved on and it's now the 21st century). The plot was feeble - gay guy beaten up earlier turns out to be a doctor who is called upon to treat one of his attackers. Black woman turns out to have been saved from drowning by the father of one of the racist's wives. Attractive young hitch-hiker turns out to be a lesbian after being offered a lift back to London by the three homophobes. And so they all learnt a life lesson and presumably changed their ways. . . Utter drivel.
Stay Close
(2021)
Complete and utter drivel
12 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
I have always enjoyed Coben's books but I'm beginning to think he should leave film adaptations to the experts. This was a total disaster whichever way you look at it and the plot twists (or should that be holes) took over until the story made no sense whatsoever.
Consider the following (spoiler alert): Cassie is afraid she will be accused of killing her abusive lover so she decides to run away, change her name and begin a new life - a ten minute drive from where the murder took place. WTF1 This same woman - an ex-stripper/exotic dancer and now a normal mum - is also a highly skilled ninja fighter who manages to incapacitate two muggers with her bare hands. WTF2 The owner of the Vipers club thinks Cassie has run off with his cash so he waits 17 years before looking for her even though she lives on the doorstep - then when he finds where her, instead of dropping in for a chat he terrorises her mother-in-law-to-be in her care home and hands her son at the skateboard park an incriminating photo of his mum. WTF3 And all this while, for 17 years, the money was actually in a yellow suitcase that the widow of Cassie's lover still keeps behind a locked door in her basement. WTF4 Cassie's other bit on the side, ex-squaddie Ray, has placed his life on hold for 17 years because he still loves her - but he visits the site and takes a new photograph of where the murder took place once a year on the anniversary of the killing. WTF5 The two psychopaths paid to find a young man who went missing after visiting Vipers decide to break into a song and dance routine while disposing of the body of a girl they have just tortured and killed. WTF6 James Nesbit's detective character who is investigating the young man's disappearance only 'works' 9.00 to 5.00 by the look of it (since he switches his mobile off when not on shift and misses most of the calls that would have solved this case much earlier). WTF7 He and his colleagues are based in a state-of-the-art police station which is unmanned at night. WTF8 And when they appear to be closing in on the two psychopaths, he decides to take a break in order to play the piano and sing a song to his lover. WTF9 And when he finally leaves her place of work he fails to notice the psychopaths' car parked directly opposite the entrance. WTF10
I could go on - who was making the banging noises down in the basement when Cassie called at the widow's house? Why was Guy killed and left out in the open? Why did Lorraine dispose of the credit card in Ray's car? Why did all the main characters look exactly the same today as they did 17 years ago?
There were so many unanswered questions and pointless plot diversions that led nowhere and contributed nothing to the story that this became a farce long before the final episode.
And the final reveal - a woman supposedly suffering from the final stages of terminal cancer was able to mug one character (an ex-squaddie) and steal his camera, murder another young man in the woods then overpower and kill one of the psychopaths - without suffering a scratch herself. This entire series was a joke.
Consider the following (spoiler alert): Cassie is afraid she will be accused of killing her abusive lover so she decides to run away, change her name and begin a new life - a ten minute drive from where the murder took place. WTF1 This same woman - an ex-stripper/exotic dancer and now a normal mum - is also a highly skilled ninja fighter who manages to incapacitate two muggers with her bare hands. WTF2 The owner of the Vipers club thinks Cassie has run off with his cash so he waits 17 years before looking for her even though she lives on the doorstep - then when he finds where her, instead of dropping in for a chat he terrorises her mother-in-law-to-be in her care home and hands her son at the skateboard park an incriminating photo of his mum. WTF3 And all this while, for 17 years, the money was actually in a yellow suitcase that the widow of Cassie's lover still keeps behind a locked door in her basement. WTF4 Cassie's other bit on the side, ex-squaddie Ray, has placed his life on hold for 17 years because he still loves her - but he visits the site and takes a new photograph of where the murder took place once a year on the anniversary of the killing. WTF5 The two psychopaths paid to find a young man who went missing after visiting Vipers decide to break into a song and dance routine while disposing of the body of a girl they have just tortured and killed. WTF6 James Nesbit's detective character who is investigating the young man's disappearance only 'works' 9.00 to 5.00 by the look of it (since he switches his mobile off when not on shift and misses most of the calls that would have solved this case much earlier). WTF7 He and his colleagues are based in a state-of-the-art police station which is unmanned at night. WTF8 And when they appear to be closing in on the two psychopaths, he decides to take a break in order to play the piano and sing a song to his lover. WTF9 And when he finally leaves her place of work he fails to notice the psychopaths' car parked directly opposite the entrance. WTF10
I could go on - who was making the banging noises down in the basement when Cassie called at the widow's house? Why was Guy killed and left out in the open? Why did Lorraine dispose of the credit card in Ray's car? Why did all the main characters look exactly the same today as they did 17 years ago?
There were so many unanswered questions and pointless plot diversions that led nowhere and contributed nothing to the story that this became a farce long before the final episode.
And the final reveal - a woman supposedly suffering from the final stages of terminal cancer was able to mug one character (an ex-squaddie) and steal his camera, murder another young man in the woods then overpower and kill one of the psychopaths - without suffering a scratch herself. This entire series was a joke.
Don't Look Up
(2021)
Dark Humour at its best
7 January 2022
For once here's a movie that credits its viewers with a degree of intelligence. Filled with a series of jaw-dropping but cringeworthingly hilarious scenes that accurately record society's obsession with self-promotion it's a perfect portrayal of the level of shallowness shown by so many voters - particularly those climate change deniers and anti-vaxers. It's a perfect parody of mass self-denial - and for those who don't 'get' the humour, that's probably because this movie is too close to reality.
The Polar Express
(2004)
Ghoulish Christmas which makes the Corpse Bride look warm and cuddly
21 November 2021
Warning: Spoilers
This movie was marketed as a children's Christmas classic, but sadly it will give nightmares to most who still believe in Santa.
What's to like? The opening sequence is so-so and promises a lot more than it delivers. The main problem is that all the characters look like they have been recruited from the nearest morgue. Horribly waxen complexions, expressionless faces and bizarrely over-large heads that seem to have been stuck on the wrong bodies. The 'hero girl' is particularly creepy - imagine a thirty-year-old woman's head attached to a tiny waif's carcass. Some of the other characters are even more scary - the guy who lures the 'hero boy' onto the roof of the carriage is plain nasty, and Tom Hanks' two fellow crew members are off the scale of absurd.
Then there's the plot - there doesn't seem to be one other than the record of a group of random kids pointlessly finding themselves on a train bound for the North Pole. That's the North Pole theme park by the way.
Then there's the musical score - a 'Titanic'-type love song that simply doesn't fit and a climax featuring soaring choirs and cheesy orchestral strings mutilating well-known Christmas songs accompanied by a Ziegfeld Follies-style production featuring thousands of elves who act as if they are attending a Nuremberg Rally. What child could fail to be bored senseless by such a pretentious load of codswallop.
Then there's Father Christmas himself - looking as animated as the kind of silver-paper wrapped chocolate figure you hang from a Christmas tree. Lifeless and plain creepy.
Then there's the lesson to be learnt and heart-warming message - don't bother watching this horror show unless you have nothing better to do for two hours.
What's to like? The opening sequence is so-so and promises a lot more than it delivers. The main problem is that all the characters look like they have been recruited from the nearest morgue. Horribly waxen complexions, expressionless faces and bizarrely over-large heads that seem to have been stuck on the wrong bodies. The 'hero girl' is particularly creepy - imagine a thirty-year-old woman's head attached to a tiny waif's carcass. Some of the other characters are even more scary - the guy who lures the 'hero boy' onto the roof of the carriage is plain nasty, and Tom Hanks' two fellow crew members are off the scale of absurd.
Then there's the plot - there doesn't seem to be one other than the record of a group of random kids pointlessly finding themselves on a train bound for the North Pole. That's the North Pole theme park by the way.
Then there's the musical score - a 'Titanic'-type love song that simply doesn't fit and a climax featuring soaring choirs and cheesy orchestral strings mutilating well-known Christmas songs accompanied by a Ziegfeld Follies-style production featuring thousands of elves who act as if they are attending a Nuremberg Rally. What child could fail to be bored senseless by such a pretentious load of codswallop.
Then there's Father Christmas himself - looking as animated as the kind of silver-paper wrapped chocolate figure you hang from a Christmas tree. Lifeless and plain creepy.
Then there's the lesson to be learnt and heart-warming message - don't bother watching this horror show unless you have nothing better to do for two hours.
Red Notice
(2021)
Boring nonsense
20 November 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The Rock is aptly named - he has the acting ability of a slab of rock. Ryan Reynolds is also a one-trick pony - playing that annoying Deadpool character over and over as he spews out one wisecrack after another in search of a cheap laugh. The female lead is a sultry super-villainess who also turns out to be the governess of the Russian prison where our two heroes are serving time together. That's the point at which I gave up on this heap of tripe.
The Harder They Fall
(2021)
Rather pitiful
8 November 2021
The gimmick is that most of the cast are black - and it's a Western rather than an urban ghetto story. Yes. Apparently there were black outlaws during the days of the Wild West. But this bunch of cringeworthy characters gives them a bad name. Farcically inappropriate dialogue - did they really talk like hip-hop stars in the 1800s? The soundtrack was even worse - every possible silent space filled with mobo tracks that had no relevance to the period or the action. The acting was second-rate at best - and the two female leads dressed and behaved as if they were taking part in a fashion shoot - wooden and ridiculous headgear. Also, so many scenes were dragged out for no useful purpose. 2+ hours of my life I will never get back. If this is wokeness, it sucks.
The Innocent
(2021)
Shambolic
26 June 2021
I've enjoyed the other Harlen Coben TV series on Netflix and looked forward to this but - wow. What a massive disappointment.
It started promisingly enough, but very quickly descended into a complete mess.
The voice-overs at the start of each episode focussing on one particular character were contrived. The plot was implausible and even bizarre for much of the time - police acting like zombies. The acting was wooden and the repeated attempts to inject some emotional impact into the main characters' relationships failed. Coben must be desperate for cash or exposure if he sanctioned this release. Not worth the effort of sitting through 8 episodes.
It started promisingly enough, but very quickly descended into a complete mess.
The voice-overs at the start of each episode focussing on one particular character were contrived. The plot was implausible and even bizarre for much of the time - police acting like zombies. The acting was wooden and the repeated attempts to inject some emotional impact into the main characters' relationships failed. Coben must be desperate for cash or exposure if he sanctioned this release. Not worth the effort of sitting through 8 episodes.
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