meow_mix Reviews

Roller Blade (1986)

Hear me out...

[10/10 · 11 October 2023]

This movie is a fever dream packed with 80s-tastic, dystopian/post-apocalyptic cheesy sleaze. Partial nudity in the first 60 seconds and all-gas-no-brakes from there. If David Lynch, Jim Henson, Bob Guccioni, Tommy Wiseau, and Willard Huyck had a baby, that baby might have written and directed this movie...after smoking, snorting, and injecting every drug on the planet, that is. Actually, it was directed by Donald G. Jackson, who schlock fans may know as the director of "Roller Gator," which has a personal distinction for me as being the lowest-rated movie (on IMDb) that I have ever watched (as of this writing: 1.2/10!!). Fear not, though, friends-this movie beats the ever-loving *skates* off of Roller Gator in all of the best-worst ways possible.

Let's get the obvious out of the way-there is ***nothing*** "good" about this movie. No shining moment stands out as well done, or even decent. What makes it good is its seemingly headlong, pell-mell, Ratfink-with-his-tongue-out, making Usain Bolt look slow, pedal-to-the-metal race to the bottom. And by "bottom," I mean so far to the bottom it probably goes through the center of the earth and out into deep space.

From the balls to the wall, time capsule-esque 80s-ness, to the horribly cartoonish dubbing, to the ridiculous and also-cartoonish costumes, to the premise, to the "plot" (LOL!!!), to the dialogue, to the "acting," to...well everything about it, it's so campy it's actually painful to watch-in a good way.

If you, like me, truly are a lover of seriously abysmally BAD "films," (not just so bad it's good but just BAD) this one will make your entire day. I hereby pronounce it the greatest worst movie of all time, which is saying something as I've seen a lot of stinkers in my day.

One last thing I'll say is that I'm so glad I didn't eat an edible before watching this. It might have permanently broken my brain 😂 I implore you to urgently give this low-hanging-fruit-salad of-I struggle to say-"cinema" a chance and see if you don't laugh as hard as I did.

Breaker! Breaker! (1977)

Some of the craziest set designs I have ever seen!!!

[5/10 · 26 March 2022]

Chuck Norris + lots off dusty places and sweaty people + a bar full of 1. Creepy dolls, 2. A barmaid in a Lola-Paltinger-worthy dirndl with oddly-colored ribbons tied in her hair like a small dog, 3. A Lilliputian chess set, 4. Only a few dusty bottles of off-brand liquor, 5. The decor of a dive from Bar Rescue + a grocery store with a bunch of paper signs outside shilling a bunch of probably-expired food in a tone of sheer desperation + a hilarious love van with an eagle painted on both sides = holy smokes how did this not sweep the Oscars?

And did I mention Chuck Norris in that most classic of formal attire: the Canadian tuxedo? Banjo music x 1,000!!! Car chases with rooster tails of dust!!! And I admit I watched the Rifftrax version which was hilarious but even without that it would be a fun romp with a couple o' Cuhrz Lahts in your system.

Pop the chicharrones, crack a cold one, and enjoy the wonder that is Breaker, Breaker!!

Someone Is Bleeding (1974)

Was this written by an incel?

[2/10 · 29 January 2021]

Gross dude relentlessly pursues a woman who is not interested and then ends up in the friend zone and then...come on! Gross dubbing, bad acting, terrible non-plot-no idea how anyone could rate this above a 2, tops. Creepy, icky, gross cringe nearly the whole time. If you get the chance to watch this, pass. HARD.

So many other better flicks from this era to watch instead.

Mark of the Devil (1970)

Terrible...and I love bad movies!

[1/10 · 15 December 2020]

I do not understand how anyone could rate this higher than 1/10! The acting and cinematography are awful and the "special effects" are ridiculous even for the time. A longtime fan of MST3K, I've watched countless cheesy old movies and this one couldn't even be salvaged by Joel / Mike / Jonah or the bots. The plot and gore factor could have made for a great exploitation flick but instead it's just poorly written, dubbed, acted, and filmed with not even enough skin to justify any of its atrocities against cinema.

Absolutely 100% PASS on this one.

Death Walks on High Heels (1971)

So many left turns-but surprisingly doesn't get lost!

[9/10 · 14 September 2020]

You can track everything that happens and still not see the end coming. Great cinematography, acting, plot, character development, and I don't even know what else. Loved this!!!

I was hoping to find a cheesy late-60s, psychedelic romp of bad cinema to have on in the background and instead got a great, really enjoyable film that was a lot of fun despite being so heavy. My favorites were the two inspectors. So much dry snark and not over the top caricatures either.

I'd give it a 10 but for the fact that it had some noticeable goofs (like the left-hand drive car in what is supposed to be Scotland) and sometimes the pacing was a little off, but other than that it's a good movie I think any mystery lover would like, especially if you love really of-the-time design and fashion.

Deon Cole: Cole Hearted (2019 TV Special)

Won't he do it? YES HE WILL!

[10/10 · 2 June 2020]

I recognized him, but hadn't seen his stand up before. It was PERFECTION!!! In fact, I can't wait to watch it all over again when my boyfriend gets home from work later.

Great style and he really worked the physical comedy as well! Laughed wayyyy harder than I have in a VERY long time, and will definitely be watching anything of his that I can going forward!!! Also, had some interesting thoughtful / not comedic stuff in it that I really enjoyed.

And not that it is here or there, but total. seven. course. dinner. plus. dessert. Whew!

I accidentally left a review on his seminar instead, but I will just blame that on being exhausted from laughing and sweating so much.

Love Bites (1993)

Absolute bomb!!! Practically unwatchable, WOW!

[1/10 · 3 May 2020]

I have absolutely no idea what's up with the other reviews that are 8 to 10 stars-but I almost feel like they have to be from people in the cast of the movie or trolls.

To qualify what I'm saying, I will add that I **love** schlocky terrible sci-fi and fantasy movies-the worse the better, believe it or not-and even I found this movie to be so painfully bad I could hardly watch it without peeking through my fingers and laughing nervously because this movie is so extremely rotten it made me physically uncomfortable!!! lol

Adam Ant isn't even as bad as the female lead played by Kimberly Foster whose acting and physical movements on screen are so awkward and clunky it almost gives one the suspicion that she was trying to ruin the movie on purpose! I don't even think I can say I have ever seen another human being be that bad at acting in my entire life, and I've seen Eegah for Pete's sake!! The writing is abysmal-the "plot" if you can even call it that is not that bad in theory but the scenes and dialogue are so poorly acted as to render the entire thing a complete disaster.

It's almost offensive how bad this is, and not in a way where you get the impression they're in on the joke like with Airplane or the Scary Movie franchise. It's just embarrassing how truly awful this "film" is. I think I can see why it wasn't even released on video in the US. How it doesn't have an Allan Smithee credit for not only the director but the entire cast is baffling.

That being said if you can stand the cringe you might be able to laugh at this enough to make your sides split wide open. I've run out of words to say how horrible this movie is so I guess this review ends here.

I Am Not Okay with This (2020)

Finally, the truth!!

[10/10 · 28 April 2020]

I love this show and pray season 2 will happen. Exceptionally well-acted, well-filmed, and CAPTIVATING. It caught me with the characters, plot, costuming, set, story-telling, and soundtrack in the first 5 minutes and I am hooked. I don't think I've ever been so taken by a show that isn't an hour-long-per-episode HBO thing pretty much ever.

If you lived through the 80s and went to HS in the 90s as a "freak" this show will suck you in like a brand new Dyson vacuum. Absolute must-watch. I got actual uncomfortable chills at one point. Nail-biter. Factual. Great characters! Sophia Lillis and Wyatt Oleff are lightning. They are ***incredibly*** deft actors and have a long future ahead of them, and I can't wait to see them again in something else. The entire cast is on the same page.

I am floored by this show. Please watch it.

The Day the Earth Froze (1959)

Bear with me here...

[10/10 · 20 February 2020]

This is a smashingly well-made epic about a Finnish mythological tale. I found the movie via MST3K (which I love!) and even with their joshing in the background the whole time and the terrible dubbing, I could tell this is an incredibly well-done film. In addition, I wouldn't expect most Americans to understand this, but as someone with Scandinavian ancestry who loves mythology of every culture, these kinds of stories are really tough to grok and appreciate. What seems hokey to glib folks from the 20th & 21st century US with no appreciation for culture or history is actually fascinating to people who give a hoot about something other than themselves / being flippant jerks.

The cinematography of this film is absolutely outstanding. The musical score is Oscar-worthy. (John Williams himself would kill to write a soundtrack this good.) The acting is a bit over the top, but *it all was when this came out.* The filming locations are gorgeous, and fitting for the scope of the plot. The sets are remarkable for the time and the costuming is amazing.

Bottom line, this is a ***really*** great movie and anyone who thinks otherwise wasn't paying attention. I'd give my eye teeth to get my hands on the original, undubbed version.