Change Your Image
neutrino68
Reviews
Moby Dick and the Mighty Mightor (1967)
A black hole of despair
"Mightor" is god-awful in every respect: animation, story, voice acting, sound, music, etc. Each episode is nearly identical: some bad thing kidnaps the chick, then Ken-doll caveman turns into Mightor, while his kid brother (son? whatever?) puts on a Mightor mask and pretends to be the hero. The kid attacks the bad guy and his Mightor mask covers his eyes. Whilst he can't see, the real Mightor defeats the bad guy. The kid lifts his mask and thinks he did it himself. Rinse, repeat, show after show.
HOWEVER. There is an entity that makes "Mightor" look good: "Moby Dick." This show is too awful to even discuss. Its very existence will depress you like a rainy Sunday after the funeral of a close friend. Cheap, eye-straining (from the constant blurry underwater effects seemingly achieved by wiggling the lens around while printing the film), and soul-draining. If you must watch this, keep some Prozac or St. John's Wort around so you don't kill yourself.
Small Wonder (1985)
Unmitigated horror.
An atrocious affair all around. The high concept almost guarantees complete awfulness. In the face of such overwhelming odds most t.v. shows give up, and this stinker is no exception. The robot 'daughter', VICI (Virtual Idiot, Cringe Inducing) is played with prescription-grade annoyance by a monotoned mutant child. This child actor has the dead, robot eyes down pat. Downright bonechilling. The parents are creepy and not-to-be-trusted, as they treat this machine as if she were human, except when things go wrong with her circuits in front of strangers. Then they lock her in the closet like some lesbian stepchild. One episode has a strange, ultra-right-wing twist when VICI is entered into an international trivia or spelling contest. Dad finds out that VICI's Soviet competitor, Yuri Something-Or-Other, is using a cheat sheet. Dad gives the kid a lecture about how in America we are independent minded and how communism is really bad and how the communists have proved they are bad by having a little boy cheat just to make the Soviet educational system look good. This rah-rah pro-America, Soviets-Are-Cheaters lecture FROM A MAN WHO ENTERED A ROBOT INTO A CHILDREN'S SPELLING CONTEST! What's the message here? Americans are superior because our computers can spell better than real Soviet children? Americans have a moral right to cheat because we're cheatin' in the name of democracy? Twisted trash that will rot your mind. Don't give it the chance.
Felix the Cat (1958)
Has Everyone Gone Insane? Are You All Blind?
This hideous excuse for entertainment is currently playing on the VOOM (DISHTV) HD channel, Animania. Now I love cartoons, but this 1960's iteration of Felix is the bottom of the barrel of no-holds-barred stupidity. The plot lines are insipid and repetitive - how many times is Felix going to break into the Professor's lab and hide behind a table taking notes on the Professor's latest moronic plan? The voice acting is horrendous and cringe-inducing. The animation is ugly and cheap. Ponderous, terrible, soul-crushing. To think people spent their time drawing this cartoon makes me want to cry. I used to think those GI JOE cartoons on Sat mornings in the 1980's were bad (about 4 frames per second of animation)- and He-Man used to seem bad. They are Gold Standard classics compared to this steaming pile. Stay away, unless you want to torture someone. In that case, buy the whole set and lock someone in a room for a year with only this to watch. They will come out the other side a psychotic killer. A charm-free entity of life-sucking power that could make your sweet granny stamp on a kitten.
The Dick Tracy Show (1961)
Worst Cartoon Evar!
Okay, not quite the worst. Next to the 1960's Felix the Cat series, this is the single worst cartoon ever devised. Dick Tracy isn't even in the cartoons except to assign the case to someone else. There is no humor, there are no jokes, the animation is ugly. You just sit and wait for it to end so maybe a better cartoon will be on afterwards. An exercise in torture. Truly awful. Where is Dick in his flying trash can? Nowhere. They made over 120 of these disasters. I cannot fathom why. Watching this deplorable excuse for animation skitter across the screen is like having to fold laundry, scour burned cookware, or file numerical documents in a large insurance company. Tedious, unrewarding, mind-destroying, soul-sucking stuff.
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Rent Tora, Tora Tora!
Weak, weak, weak. The battle set-pieces are well-done, but the ultra-contrived storyline is so very bad, you just don't care about the people getting bombed - they're just so much CGI filler. Ben Affleck turns in another square-jawed yet numbingly dull performance. Josh Hartnett and Kate Beckinsale are far better, but can't rise above the material. Done far more effectively with far more primitive effects capabilities in "Tora Tora Tora!" Rent that and avoid this turkey. In fact, avoid any food Michael Bay has touched.