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themanwiththegoldengun19
Reviews
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
Not exactly fine movie fare.
**MINOR SPOILERS** This movie isn't exactly fine movie fare. But anyone who goes into this movie expecting that is a moron. I love this movie. I could watch it all the time, without bathroom breaks, for a straight year and not get tired of it.
The only reason people see movies like this is to see stuff get destroyed. And that's enough of a reason for me. I went into The Day After Tomorrow expecting to see cities get destroyed by blizzards, tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes, alien invasions, giant penguins, and T-Rexes in F-16s. I went in expecting 2 hours of fun entertainment, and that is exactly what I got. The Day After Tomorrow makes no claim whatsoever to being anything other than a fun action flick. Tornado movies have been done, tsunamis have been done, ice ages have been done. So let's just have a movie with all of them.
If you go to see The Day After Tomorrow, don't expect a work of art. Just laugh and picture the Benny Hill theme playing during the tornado scene.
9 out of 10.
A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Depressing, but not in the way the producers expected.
****SPOILERS****
This wasn't a good movie. In fact, it was pretty bad. I'll admit, I've never read any of Lemony Snicket's books, and because of this movie, I seriously doubt I ever will.
Every joke in this movie fell flatter than a roadkill pancake. I didn't laugh a single time in the theater I watched this at, and I almost fell asleep at a couple points.
***SPOILERS*** The worst part of this movie is that it claimed to be a dark and depressing children's flick, where nothing but bad things happen to the 3 kids who are this movie's main characters. So how does the movie end? The kids are freed from the evil Count Olaf, and Count Olaf is punished. Yes, the movie has the exact same type of ending that it was supposed to be going against.
Yes, this movie is really depressing, but not in the sense that the children suffer. This movie is depressing because a good hundred people all thought it would be a good idea to make this movie.
2 out of 10
Feeders 2: Slay Bells (1998)
An utter masterpiece
I had the priviledge of seeing this film at a local film festival in Cincinatti. This film is like no other on Earth. It is completely breathtaking in its utter awe and beauty.
When you see the little aliens for the first time, you will be amazed by the magnificent special effects. I have heard rumors that $150,000,000 went into designing the aliens alone.
The acting is nothing short of supreme. Breathtaking performances define this film. You will be moved to tears by the hilarious comedy scenes and the horrible tragedies the characters face. Truly, this is acting worthy of Shakespeare himself.
Then there is the musical score. Your ears will jump with joy when you hear the music. The sound is absolutely Oscar-worthy.
There's no other way to put it. Feeders 2: Slay Bells is sure to be remembered as one of the finest films of the 20th century.
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
I laughed myself silly
*SPOILERS*
My mom and I watched this one night after having nothing better to do. This movie is pretty funny. The plot is what you'd expect. A couple of morons let loose a chemical that turns people into zombies. They kill a zombie, and stick it into an oven, releasing smoke and creating a bunch of new zombies. The only part I didn't like was the ending where they *SPOILER* detonated a tactical nuclear warhead in the middle of the city *SPOILER*.
This movie is funny. My mom and I spent the whole time laughing, and we still joke about "BRAINSSSSSS" to each other.
*** out of ****
Phantasm IV: Oblivion (1998)
Whaaa??
One boring summer night, my parents and I were watching TV. Bored, we decided to check for movies. We settled on this. After about one hour of random scenes, my mom asked "Am I the only one who can't make heads or tails of this?" She was right. This movie didn't make one bit of sense. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell it was. This would be a good movie to see stoned. Actually, this wouldn't be a good movie stoned, or under any other circumstances.
0 out of 4.
Event Horizon (1997)
Probably the only movie that still scares me
*MINOR SPOILERS*
I saw this movie a while back one night, when I was about 13 or so. It scared the living crap out of me. I think the scariest part was when they were in the fog of Neptune, and couldn't find the Event Horizon spaceship. A lot of people say this movie is stupid, but I disagree. I am still scared by it, and even weirder, I watch it any chance I get. I know the explosions look like firecrackers and the blood looks like Hawaiian Punch, but that doesn't matter to me. This movie is scary and good at the same time.
3.5 out of 4.
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
Absolutely hilarious
*SPOILERS*
I don't care what anyone says, this movie is friggin' hilarious. This is the sequel to Jack Frost, a movie about a killer snowman. The snowman is created when a convicted serial killer about to be executed is taken to the execution chamber, but the truck crashes with a truck carrying DNA manipulation chemicals that make human DNA bond with dirt, or in this case, snow. The first movie was just boring, and eventually the snowman is destroyed by pouring antifreeze on him.
Or so they thought.
This movie takes place about a year after the second. Some scientists resurrect Jack Frost by mixing the antifreeze with chemicals. No explanation is ever given for why they do this, they just do. Meanwhile, the sherrif who arrested Frost in the first is going to the Bahamas. Unfortunately, the snowman comes with him.
This movie has it all. It has talking carrots that can stand up, ice cubes that explode when you stick them in your mouth, and killer snowballs. Yes, killer snowballs. They even say "Dada!" like babies. I'll have to give the makers of this credit. The snowballs are some of the cutest little things ever dreamed up. I wish that I could get one as a pet. Frost finally freezes the island, as if a killer snowman has the ability to influence major weather patterns.
Then there's the actors. There's Manners, the FBI agent from the first movie, except here he's wearing an eyepatch. YARR MATEYS, SHIVER ME TIMBERS, I BE AN FBI AGENT! YARRR! And then there's the stereotypical British adventurer and the stereotypical black Jamaican with dreadlocks. And finally, Captain Fun. The fruitiest man on the face of the planet, bar none.
This movie isn't scary, but is is hilarious. I laughed my butt off the whole way through, and I recommend this for anyone who likes a good "bad" movie.
*** out ****
The Patriot (2000)
That's 3 hours I'm not getting back.
I first saw this film in 2000, expecting a decent movie. Unfortunately, that isn't what I got. I got a gross-out fest. This movie isn't very good. It's made by the same people who wrote Godzilla.
The first problem with this movie is that it's on the gory side. Yes, I know that war is like that. Problem is, unlike other movies like Saving Private Ryan, the gore here just comes off as a pathetic attempt to shock you, and just ends up making you nauseous instead of giving actual insight into the nature of war.
The second problem is that it isn't historically accurate. Tivington, from the accounts I've heard, wasn't a bloodthirsty lunatic. From what I hear, he was a typical British 1700s officer. Also, Gibson's character was originally going to be based on a real person, but the director found out that the person who Gibson would be based on married his teenage cousin, and raped his slaves.
Also, one other thing that annoyed me: There's one scene where Tivington fires a pistol at a cavalry rider about 1,500 feet away. He hits him. You'd have trouble getting that kind of range on one of today's pistols, much less one from the Revolutionary War.
Rating: 2.5 out of 10