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The Wicker Man (2006)
The Wicker Man vs The Lilith Fair Rejects
The Wicker Man Has Done The Impossible! It replaced Cat Woman as the worst recent movie in my steel trap cinema mind. YES it's really that bad. So bad that when sitting down to write this review I thought to myself "If I had a choice to either see this movie again or to have red hot needles shoved in my eyes" I might actually go for the red hot needles.
Neil LaBute created a rare movie where Joel Schumacher could sit back and say with comfort and a guilt free mind "Yeah that's some bad direction right there".
I think the first clue for myself should have been the tag line: "Some Sacrifices Must Be Made". Sure it might sound sort of cheeky ominous line to intrigue you but the sacrifice will be all on the audience side of the screen. Trust me on this the people responsible for this movie should be charged with a hate crime..or at least fraud for trying to pass this off as anything resembling entertainment. Seriously! The movie is about an island where men are just there for breeding and I would still rather with be stuck on Gilligans Island with only pictures of Condoleezza Rice then find myself stranded there.
The most entertaining part about this movie was the guy who ripped the loudest fart I've ever heard in a movie theater. That's not a joke nor is it fictional. I've never been to a "thriller" and heard so much laughter through out the entire film. I can't tell you with an certainty if the laughs were intentional in some effort to lighten the cinematic tension or if they just really thought this crud would actual fly. I honestly found myself routing for a power outage or a perhaps a fight to break out in the movie theater, anything to make this more interesting which is pretty sad since Deez, Powder and I pounded 2 beers each before the film just for a little mental anesthesia (soon to be a law before all Nic Cage films, write to your congressman today, don't delay). At one point I actually thought perhaps this movie is really a spoof and Anna Ferris is going to show upÂ…oh how I wish.
Nic Cage throws out so much ham per frame I'm thinking of having a cholesterol test done today. To think that I ever thought Sean Penn was a d*ck for slamming Nic's acting, oh he's still a d*ck just lesser of oneÂ…yes Sean Penn's d*ck was lessened because of this film. Do us all a favor Nic play your strengths and stick to being pathetic losers and drunks. You cannot play superman you do not get to play strong hunky roles go straight to jail do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. His best moments in this film are when he finally comes unhinged and actually punches out a burly woman to steal her bear suit (like the fart, not a joke or a functional moment during this review) then proceeds to run amok like Conan O'Brian's masturbating bear, but with half the hilarity of a bear knocking his junk around. Thankfully he meets his end shortly after when it turns out he's to be a sacrifice to the crowd at the new tour hybrid show of Burning Man and Lilith Fair. Yes!!!! I just spoiled the ending for youÂ…and if you knew any better you'd build statues of me in worship and sing songs of my legend. I sat through this crap-fest so you don't have to.
About half way through this little misadventure I kept thinking to myself Jack Bauer would have wrapped this case up in 20 minutes of real time..OK 35 minutes if Kim gets attacked by a mountain lion first. Even Steve Martin as Inspector Clouseau could have figured this out in under an hourÂ…and you Sir are no Inspector Clouseau.
If for some reason you are taken captive and you have a choice to see this film or take a bullet, take the bullet.
Somewhere Uwe Boll is laughing at us all.
Just Like Heaven (2005)
Enjoyable Date Movie.
Another otherworldly rom-com where two would be lovers meet but are separated by a vast and impassable rift. In this case it's a matter ofÂ…well matter. Elizabeth Masterson (Witherspoon) is a women disconnected from any kind of life outside of her work that eventually becomes disconnected from her body all together. David Abbott (Ruffalo) is a depressed alcoholic in training who's running away from life towards the bottom of any bottle he can find. Their lives smash into each other when David sublets her fully furnished apartment and proceeds to not use coasters at alarming frequency (gasp!).
David encounters this paranormal hottie in a drunken haze and is convinced he's hallucinating the small blonde control freak, so he quickly turns to one of the severely under used characters (and actors) in the film Jack (Logue) for help. You see Jack is David's wingman slash therapist, though we get no real clue as to how or why these guys are friends, and it's unfortunate since these guys work so well together both as characters and actors. Jack convinces David that all he really needs is to get drunk and score (like all good wingmen should do).
The ghostly encounters continue however which leads to some funny moments between David and Elizabeth. There are real moments in this that show their chemistry and the talents of both actors. It's during this that we met the other under used talent of this movie: Darryl (Heder). While Darryl does provide the movie with it's fortune cookie wisdom about life, death, and connections he's only in a few short scenes and leaves you wondering what might have happened had they given him a bigger part to play. But it's pure minimalism for Darryl.
Along the way as you'd expect the main characters are beginning to fall in love but the script is smart enough to put some real life relationship drama in-between them in the form of Katrina (Ivana) the lonely temptress from downstairs. They could have handled this scene in so many ways and taken an easy road out but goes a long way to show Elizabeth's coming to terms with her state of being. The only real mystery in this scene is how Katrina could possibly be lonely?! With any romantic comedy there has to be a happy ending right? So you have to figure something has to happen to get these two together. As it happens Elizabeth is not really dead, she's merely in a coma (don't let the spiritual or moral logistics get you hung up here) from which they are about to pull the plug on. Now it's a race against time and HMO policies to save her. The movie feels a little haphazard at this point as they calmly try to figure out the solution, its not horrible just felt odd. Naturally everybody wins at the end of the film and her body seems no worse for deep coma.
While romantic comedies are a dime a dozen most are just utter reheated leftovers from a dozen other films. This one does hit a little above the mark and is enjoyable to watch while your scoring brownie points and will help later when you want to drag your girl to see Serenity, or History of Violence, or maybe just to apologize for taking her to see The Man.
Corpse Bride (2005)
Dead Corpse Walkin
Animated Death never looked so good, but felt so dull. After over a decade of waiting for something as glorious and fun as The Nightmare Before Christmas I walked out of the theater last night feeling like a kid at Christmas who got a new bike with no tires. I'm left thinking either my expectations could have been too high or this movie just fell short of its intended mark.
The movie and the animation are gorgeous, though it looks far too much like Nightmare to avoid comparisons and invoke expectations. The story is fairly basic and gets going pretty fast. Victor (Depp) is set to marry Victoria (Watson) in an arranged marriage. Victor is a nervous wreck about it and is a very jittery fellow. He doesn't have cold feet so much as nervous hands. Victoria is a flower in a family of poisonous weeds. She knows her duty and after meeting Victor seems very much taken with him. Its Victors nervous hands that set things in motion; while practicing his vows he mistaken places the ring on the finger of a murdered bride. From there the movie heads off into regular Tim Burton territory with fun creepy characters and imagery as Victor is pulled into the after life. Much like the world of Beetlejuice the dead walk, talk, sing, dance and are examples of how they died.
The rest of the movie Victor is trying to get out of this world and back to his living girlfriend above ground. Meanwhile Victoria's parents find another suitor to replace the clumsy Victor. Once Victor learns of her new brothel he surrenders to something that's been right in front of him; He's got a wife and despite her being dead is really quite charming. He promises his love and consents to a ceremony to finalize their vows (and his beating heart). This is where the movie really shines. The dead return to the land of the living for this wedding of the afterlife. As the dead run amok and revisit old loved ones we get the only glimpse into the charm and fun Nightmare had.
While the movie is actually pretty good and it is entertaining I think aside from letting expectations get in the way this movie suffers from two glaring faults; The songs and the lack of charm. The songs are like dead finger nails on a chalkboard none of them are as witty are fun as they should be to lighten such a dark movie. The lack of charm is something you wouldn't expect in a movie with Johnny Depp and Emily Watson, to say nothing of the rest of this great cast.
I wanted this movie to succeed in so many ways, I love stop animation, I enjoy it even more when it's not all cutesy and has a plot. I want to see more studios pulling away from CGI animated movies and investing in such craft-work as films like Nightmare showed it could be again.
Serenity (2005)
The Little Firefly that Could or Serenity Now! (Spoiler free)
When FOX announced a new Sci Fi series by Joss Weadon I was naturally curious. Science Fiction shows are few and fewer still are any good, however this was from the guy who put Buffy on the TV map and help write Toy Story so it at the very least had someone behind the controls who had talent with characters and plotting. But could this show be any good? The answer for me was a long time coming but...turn out to be yes and like the rest of the fans I've been waiting for this movie to get back on board with the crew of Serenity.
Last night thanks to the Sacramento Browncoats I got my wish for more time on-board with the crew of Serenity, and Gorram! It was glorious! What could have been just an extended episode dry hump of the show became a living breathing entity all its own. This movie could exist without the show easily, the crew is introduced quickly and the world of Firefly is laid out with very little effort; you meet your anti hero's, you learn there's a evil empire, then you meet the boggy men of this universe. The plot rolls out much like it would on the show or in one of Joss's issues of X-men; The story begins with some key elements to get things going after which things move along at a brisk pace with a slight but acceptable lag in the middle of the story. The story is very straight forward in most respects. The crew is on the clock from jump and it's not long before the fun and terror begins. The Alliance (evil empire) has their top assassin on the case to search for their runaway experiment (River), a man of simplified evil he's not only cunning and lethal but a zealot in the belief the Alliance way is the right way. He's employed methods are some of the most creative evil doer works seen on the screen in quite some time. He's not just a man with a vast fleet or some awe inspiring new super weapon to bring people to their knees, his tactics are methodical and brutal. The crew spends most of their time running once it begins. They have no secret base, no rebel armies' ready to back them up; they are alone in the universe. The entire plot builds to a head when the crew decides that the time for running is over and start looking for the means to fight back. The story completely shifts gears and you see the change in each of them that a breaking point has been hit and that there some things worth fighting and dying for. The thrill of the crew going on the offensive is a treat; each one of these characters gets to shine as it all boils over. There are some really jarring moments in this movie, and it's very in line with the show. People get hurt, hero's have their asses handed to them (a lot) and there is no super fun happy ending where the evil empire is vanquished and everyone gets the girl (or boy) and the medals. Real life in a Sci Fi movie? Who knew?
For the fans this movie does answer a few questions and does give you some money shots you might have been looking for. For the newbie's it's just a fun ride and will likely make you search out a copy of the DVD's.
The effects are sharp and I can't recall a single distracting moment where the effects popped out and took me out of the movie. It's all very minimal and the effects used sparingly. A nice change of pace from the other effects heavy films in science fiction.
The crew/cast has a ton of charm and talent among them. Everyone has a real character and a real purpose (small or large) to them. When I say that I don't mean you're the engineer so you're helpful when stuff breaks or you're the doctor so you're here when people get shot (and they often do). Everyone fights, everyone busts ass, life is messy, and nothing works out quite the way they plan it.
The actors behind them are much the same; Nathan Fillion (Captain Mal) and Summer Glau (River Tam) might not be top fan favorites but these two actors and their characters have the most riding on their shoulders in this movie, and I'm happy to say they both come out shiny in the end. Nathan Fillion's Mal is the man in charge of everything and nothing. He's not suited for a life as a career criminal and it shows. He loves his ship, he loves his crew but he'd push anyone out an airlock if the need calls for it. Summer Glau gets to take River's character to its core (finally) and its impressive how she does it; One minute she's a babbling zombie, the next she's just a quirky girl with issues, blink and she's suddenly got moves that would make Trinity call for the nearest exit. The rest of the cast do a fantastic job of it and are one of the most likable casts your likely to come across. If these people are not friends in real life they deserve awards for how well they work as an ensemble cast.
All in all of the handful movies I was most looking forward to this summer this one hit all the marks.
The Chumscrubber (2005)
A bitter pill with cherry flavor
How does one write a review for a movie with that kind of title? A title that people asking for a ticket are going to mispronounce nine times out of ten. I know I did. "I'm here for the screening of Cumscrubber:" Luckily the guy at the door had heard this variation a few times and just laughed handing me the booklet and ticket so I got in the doors just in time as Lawrence Bender was on stage saying a few words about the movie and his part in producing. Can't remember exactly what he said since I was busy making the decision of "ass or crotch" while scooting to my seat.
Personally I can see the comparisons to American Beauty if only in a slight sense, the Donnie Darko part I don't really get at all. I had read the review from Moriarty that afternoon before leaving and I had to admit my curiosity was peaked. Movies like Donnie Darko and American Beauty are tough to pull off and it's rare Hollywood even tries. That said; The Chumscrubber is not as dark as either of those movies instead it plays more with the cynical humor of the situation presented. It deals with the drug use in the film as more of a slap to the face then a punch to the back of the head like Trainspotting. It doesn't relentlessly pound you with the evils of drug use or get overly preachy.
The message isn't lost however it's there in your face as the parents run about their various busy bee lifestyles planning weddings, selling vitamins, seducing every piece of man meat that comes within arms reach, while they grieve, while they hock their books, and while they dream about aquatic animals. These are the parents who find their kids huddled in a closet sniffing paint thinner and wonder whose fault it is. These are the parents of the kind of kids who end up hospitalized after an attempt at erotic asphyxiation that turn around and wonder if late night cable is to blame. The parents of every drug dealing violent little turd who blames the video game industry and Eminem for their failure. Watching these people go about it I could place someone I know into each one of these parts (with the exception of the Mayor, he was pretty out there) and I wish I couldn't. These people are more roommates then families, everyone is doing their own thing and nobody cares about anyone but themselves. You nearly expect to see Mom writing her name on the Orange Juice.
Dean (Jamie Bell) is the one person in the film who actually proclaims his distaste at the life around him and yet at the same time he's the only person doing something for someone besides himself. Jamie is great in this movie, and with a cast like this movie has it's not an easy crowd to be seen in even if you're the star of the movie. He plays Dean like a kid whose life is just stalled out and just wants to be left to enjoy the free fall in a haze of pills while he mutes everyone and everything else out. Unfortunately some of the other pill heads need him to get their hands on the stash left behind after Dean's pal Troy kills himself. It's left to Dean to try and save some poor hapless kid who is being held hostage for pills.
The plot isn't terribly complex and I don't think it strives to be more then the sum of its parts. It's not nearly as head scratching as Donnie Darko and doesn't focus solely on Dean instead choosing to show this quit little suburban community as it's main character. I don't mean this as a negative rather it's just an interesting chose to paint in broad strokes rather then be a spot light on just Dean's life and teen drug use. It works well for the point of this story and if I had to compare it to something I'd compare it to cherry flavored Nyquil; it's a bitter and nasty but somehow it's got that entirely nice all too tasty sugar flavor to make it easier to digest.
I think the movie is going to find its cult status, and who knows a Chumscrubber action figure with head flinging action would go nicely next to my Frank the Bunny figure.
Wedding Crashers (2005)
Sacul goes crashing with Vince and Owen
Two guys crashing weddings for the free booze, the free food, and easy women. A premise that'll make most men over the age of 35 wonder: "Why the hell didn't I think of that?" With a plot as thin as this it would be easy for this movie to fail and fall as flat as your drunken uncle Devin at the last family reunion. It doesn't. Despite the fact that this movie takes the typical roads and the characters learn life lessons and fall in love this movie has a ton of laughs.
Watching these guys lie, cheat, and woo, it's easy to see just how much fun everyone had making this movie. Owen and Vince bounce improvised moments each other in a comedic symbiosis few can match. You can make a solid bet you'll see an unrated DVD later packed with hours of these two just firing off lines. Chris Walken feels a little under used in this movie, but it's hard to pay attention when his nymphomaniac daughter played by Isla Fischer is stealing nearly every scene she's in. Jane Seymour basically channels Mrs. Robinson for the few brief moments she registers in this movie but the scenes are funny and quick and seemed to have been part of some deleted sub plot that got dropped. Rachel McAdams part is pretty standard, she's the love interest but her character has the least going on. It's not that she's bad she just wasn't given much to do that would make her stand out in this family tree of nuts.
This is the wingman/buddy picture this summer was sorely missing. You'd have to be pretty uptight not to get some chuckles out of this one.
Sacul OUT!
Fantastic Four (2005)
Sacul gets Doomed by the Fantastic Four.
Sacul's meaningless movie reviews. Today: Sacul gets Doomed by the Fantastic Four.
The comic book geek in me wanted this movie to crawl out of the dark pit most people suspected it would be and come out clobberingÂ….I'm sorry to report it only crawled in circles like a reanimated corpse trying to remember what it was that it was suppose to be doing.
On the sliding scale of comic books to film it doesn't fall into Catwoman's litter box but it sure doesn't kick your teeth in like Batman Begins or Spider-man 2 either. This film is pure middle ground and it never tries to excel for anything higher which is a sad way to treat Marvels first family.
There is a lesson to be learned with this movie and the lesson is simple, if you plan to give over the director's chair to a non-action/effects type director at least give it to someone who might do something interesting and possibly original with it. If you look at the comic book films that have been successful they are all helmed by directors of vision, people who not only wanted to bring the book to life but bring their style to it. What you don't do is give a potentially huge franchise to directors so far out of their element.
Having said that I'll climb off my comic book geek soap box and talk about the movie itself.
The movie begins by tripping over its own feet. Reed and Ben are groveling at Victor Von Dooms feet looking for funding, this scene holds zero resonance since you can't understand the rivalry that pre-exists with these two mental giants and how much crow Reed is chewing in the asking. Then it clumsily proceeds to spill the information after the fact to bring us up to speed. The main focus of these two men's fight for attention becomes an imagined love triangle with Sue Storm, not lust for superiority or I.Q envy.
The drive of the film is split into too many directions and none of them are great storytelling. Reed is obsessed with curing the team, Johnny is chasing glory, Benn is depressed, and Sue is busy trying to find more outfits to show off her cleavage. Meanwhile Victor is losing his company and turning into a hood ornament in a complete rip off of Norman Osborne's story from the first Spider-man. Not one of these stories pays off so they throw in a few miscellaneous action scenes to keep you interested, so when the battle with Dr Doom begins it's pretty dull and without much direction. Doom's threat doesn't carry any weight and when it's all said and done he doesn't seem to have had anything to gain from it in the first place.
The movie does have its strong points though. The interaction between Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm are great fun. Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis are the Human Torch and The Thing and they seem to have fun with the roles once they get it down. Everyone else does their best with what they have but the movie already had one huge monkey on its back with The Incredibles having only recently shown us how good a super hero family movie could be. That's a tough film to outshine no matter how you stretch it.
The bottom line for fans of the Fantastic Four is that this does not feel like it should, they spend too much time bickering while the movie completely stalls out. For people who don't know the book the special effects and random action scenes might hold your interest long enough to enjoy the movie.
Sacul out Excelsior!