fullonrobotchubby Reviews

Oldboy (2003)

Hypnotically entertaining. Can't be touched.

[10/10 · 19 April 2007]

When was the last time you unintentionally winced from a movie? Maybe it happens to you easily from a chainsaw massacre, or maybe it takes the obscure, like revealing dialogue or the money shot from The Crying Game. For me, it was way back in about 1998, when I first saw Pulp Fiction and Travolta had to plunge an adrenaline shot into Uma's chest. I never thought a movie could do that to me again. Then I saw Oldboy.

A drunk businessman named Oh Dae-su, who gets arrested and released on his young daughter's birthday, is suddenly kidnapped and held captive in a room with TV and the occasional gassing for 15 long years. One day he wakes up on the outside in new clothes and is given a phone and wallet full of money by an oblivious bum, and suddenly it is revealed that he has just five days to find his obvious enemy and finally uncover the excuse for his long torture. Twists and turns are abound in this Korean film with a slight bonus I love in any overly dramatic movie: a biting sense of humor. My favorite scene - and it was hard to pick with all the damage mainly administered to characters' mouths (including the eating of a live octopus) - is a continuous shot of Dae-su kicking butt with his own signature fighting style (and a hammer) in a hallway full of villains ready to kill him (Just wait till he finally reaches the elevator). Awesome movie with a traumatic ending we Yanks are almost not ready for; if our country decides to remake this a la The Departed, I personally can't see it even coming close to the original.

Crash (I) (2004)

Best Picture... seemed like a good idea at the time.

[7/10 · 19 April 2007]

"Wow. This movie has guts and a brain to match with it. The tragedies that can be caused by even a slight sample of prejudice are showcased in full light, especially with Ryan Phillippe's cop in a nightmarish link to the characters' connections. Breakout performances can be found by Michael Pena (an actor I'll keep my eye on for the future), Terrence Howard (very good actor - can't wait to see Hustle & Flow), and Chris "Ludacris" Bridges (that's right, THAT Luda). No one in the cast dominates the screen more than Matt Dillon, who plays an extremely racist cop with a sick father and, in my favorite scene, must rescue a black woman he took advantage of earlier from certain death. My only complaint that keeps the movie from receiving that last half of a star is the fact that while this seems like it should be a fairly balanced script for the ensemble, some actors (like Brendan Fraser) played characters who didn't seem as pivotal to the plot and shined less. Also, to those of you playing "Where's Danza?" look here."

This is what I wrote when I first saw Crash, when it first came out on DVD. This was before its now infamous Oscar-win over Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture of 2005. At the time, I gave it 4 1/2 out of 5 stars (9 out of 10 here)....

.... I still think the film is slightly better than the pretty-yet-credit-greedy Brokeback Mountain (not the first homosexual romance film, folks!), but I see its win for Best Picture merely as a desperate attempt at ending racism once and for all - not a reward for an extraordinarily crafted film. Crash is a good film, Paul Haggis is a terrific writer, and the cast did what they could (As it turns out, my favorite scene, the only one that stands out to me, is Pena putting his daughter to bed), but its aura - its very being - is just not as lasting as anticipated.

I don't blame the Academy at all for their choice; I was even on the same boat. How comfortable would it be to live in a world where we would no longer feel the need to remind each other that racism is an ugly thing? Of course it would feel fantastic! At the time, handing out one of the most established and prestigious prizes this country has to offer to a film like Crash felt like a brilliant, society-improving move. We Crash-lovers all thought that hopefully, giving Best Picture to Crash will end that constant obligation we all feel, and no more movies, books, TV shows, etc. about racism will ever have to be made again! This mark in history, this "Oscar upset," when Jack Nicholson announces the winner, THIS will change everything, right?...

Unfortunately no.

To be blunt (and this is coming from an Oscar-holic), none of the Best Picture nominees were all that amazing. My favorite among them was Capote, but I realize it's not the most amazing of films...

2005 was a year fueled by political frustration (Syriana, Munich, Good Night, and Good Luck., the Oscar telecast was even hosted by Jon Stewart!). I normally never side with the family-friendly genre, but through all that opinionated muck, I found my favorite film of 2005 to be March of the Penguins. (Sigh) At least it won Best Documentary.

The Merchant of Venice (2004)

The final Shakespeare play to be fleshed out by Hollywood.

[6/10 · 19 April 2007]

There are people who are patient and take the time to read, understand, and usually like Shakespeare; then there are those who would rather spend their time doing something else, but will see a Shakespeare movie if it's not too hard to follow (even if it's something like 10 Things I Hate About You, which is, as we all know by now, essentially The Taming of the Shrew). I like Shakespeare, but I don't overrate him; while his language was always top-notch, some of his plays (like some of the comedies), no matter how inventive in plot, just flat out suck. This movie is straight Shakespeare period piece, but it's slightly spiced up with Al Pacino playing Shylock. I'm not getting into Semetics, but to those that don't know, this is Shakespeare's most controversial play, portrayed for the first time on film here. The film is really long and drawn out, and I think Jeremy Irons was asleep in some scenes, but Pacino does a very believable job as Shylock (especially when he's angry, big surprise). My favorite scene is the court scene when Shylock is ready to collect the pound of flesh from Antonio - great ensemble acting. If only the rest of the movie were as interesting.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)

The People Vs. Exorcism

[7/10 · 19 April 2007]

Another movie that is advertised as a different genre than it actually is. It's not a horror movie; it's a courtroom drama. Laura Linney plays the same part she played in Primal Fear, only this time she's defending Tom Wilkinson (as the exorcist accused of the negligent murder of Emily) and is being haunted by either demons or her own imagination. There are some intense moments from Emily's last days that rule the movie, thanks largely to powerfully-lunged contortionist (and Louisville native!) Jennifer Carpenter as the title character. My favorite scene is the attempted exorcism that moves from the bedroom to the barn - exciting and just what the movie needed to be rescued from obvious liberties taken with the story, like Linney's haunting nights and the fate of a surprise witness to the exorcism. If you believe in Heaven and Hell and watch Law & Order on a regular basis, you might want to give Exorcism of Emily Rose a try. I will say it's better than The Devil's Advocate.

The Virgin Suicides (1999)

Sofia finally makes a positive contribution to film!

[8/10 · 28 March 2007]

Kirsten Dunst is basically the star of The Virgin Suicides, director Sofia Coppola's (Lost in Translation) first feature length film. Based on the novel by Jeffrey Euginides, a family containing five pretty, blonde daughters live in a quaint neighborhood in the mid-70's. Cecilia Lisbon, the youngest daughter at 13 (and young Jenny from Forrest Gump!), becomes suicidal. When Cecilia tragically finds the chance to do herself in, town speculation starts to surround the overprotective parents (James Woods and Kathleen Turner) and the future of the remaining daughters. The new youngest daughter Lux (Dunst) falls for the high school heartthrob Trip Fontaine (Josh Hartnett), who manages to talk Mr. Lisbon into allowing the daughters (importantly Lux) to go to the homecoming dance. When Lux stays out too late, only to be left alone on a football field, the Lisbons get more strict with the daughters, putting their fate more into question than ever before. I don't think any scene in this film is meant to be favored, but my favorite scene is when the daughters make a rare outdoor appearance to protect the tree Cecilia loved from being removed by the government. The Virgin Suicides is in many ways like an after-school special, but through strong performances (especially from Woods), some of the best narration I've heard in film from Giovanni Ribisi, and foreshadowing that doesn't remotely feel like foreshadowing (the picture Mr. Lisbon takes of the daughters before the dance), it's good to see Coppola is a good filmmaker... because if you've ever seen The Godfather Part III, you know acting just ain't her thing.

Along Came Polly (2004)

Along Came January...

[1/10 · 28 March 2007]

Have you ever noticed what a dumping ground for awful movies the month of January is? True, there are a few Oscar-hopefuls left over (Using this year as an example: Children of Men and Pan's Labyrinth), but then there are the ones (like The Hitcher, Stomp the Yard, and... trying really hard not to laugh here... Alpha Dog) that would drown against regular spring, summer, or fall box-office competition. Along Came Polly was a January release and is the film that immediately comes to my mind when I think of January releases (Well, this and Torque). The premise goes like this: Ben Stiller plays an uptight, hesitant, OCD-ish sort of fellow (How's he different from his past roles in There's Something About Mary and Meet the Parents? Answer: He's not.) who falls for an "on the edge" girl (Jennifer Aniston) who isn't exactly Ms. Cleanliness. Torturing Ben Stiller can only be so funny for so long - in this flick, he shares the company of a ferret, rubs up face first against a sweaty, hairy guy, and befriends an intolerable Philip Seymour Hoffman (Every time I hear the word "sharted," I want to revoke the Oscar he won for Capote and brain him with it). Throw in a couple of teeth-grinding clichés, like the character who doesn't speak until it's absolutely necessary, and voilà! A true fizzle. My favorite scene, the only scene that comes close anyway, is the scene Stiller shares in the bathroom with Alec Baldwin, who shows the comedic timing that is currently making him an award-winning hit on the show 30 Rock. I hate to end a review in a vague way, but I just can't talk about Along Came Polly anymore: This movie sucks. Don't see it.

Jumanji (1995)

Might actually have been better without words.

[4/10 · 28 March 2007]

Jumanji is the movie Night at the Museum (which also stars Robin Williams) wishes it could be what with all the creatures magically coming to life and running amok. My question is... Why would any movie strive to be Jumanji?... Well, I suppose it is a successful and memorable family film, but honestly, how much better does that make it? Based on the wordless children's book, "Jumanji" is the name of a jungle-themed board game that two recently parentless children happen upon. When the kids roll the dice, their game-pieces magically (or magnetically) move, and if the game says something about monkeys or a ferocious lion, monkeys or a lion actually appear in their home. Robin Williams pops out of the game as a past Jumanji player who spent his childhood surviving animals and a hunter in the game's jungle world. Since his piece is still on the board along with another's piece, the girl who watched him get sucked into the game (played in all-grown-up form by Bonnie Hunt), they have to help the kids end the game/destruction of the town. My favorite scene is when the monkeys are terrorizing In Living Color alum David Alan Grier in his squad car... although I just can't stop wondering why the filmmakers didn't use real animals instead of the awful, blatant CGI. Ultimately, the film's marketing is what hurts it the most: funnyman Williams is over-dramatic, the movie's style is more freakish than fun, depth is attempted in double-casting Jonathan Hyde as William's hunter and father... Jumanji lies to its audience in every fathomable way, but at least it still has a sense of adventure, which I guess is good...

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

3rd place for Two Towers (still wins a medal!)

[9/10 · 8 December 2006]

I have been debating on whether to review the original theatrical releases or the Special Extended DVD Editions director Peter Jackson "originally intended audiences to see," but since I have about the same opinions for both with each movie, I've decided it doesn't really matter. If you think it does, I've chosen the original theatrical releases because I don't review the deleted scenes for other movies and do think favoritism is wrong. That being said, all three LOTR films, whether you find them fascinating or slow, are cinematic masterpieces. Pre-emptive warning: If you haven't seen The Fellowship of the Rings, most of this review might as well be in Braille for you.

Two Towers marks the beginning of the split-up of the Fellowship. The human-elf-dwarf combo of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli (Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, and John Rhys-Davies) go in search of their trailing hobbit friends Pippin and Merry, who were captured by the Orcs. Fortunately, the two prisoner hobbits manage to escape the Orcs themselves into the forest of Fangorn where they are acquainted with the tree-creatures known as the Ents. When their search party enters the forest, they come across an old friend, but I won't spoil how the mystery friend got there. Meanwhile, throughout the film, the carrier of the ring Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) and his loyal associate Samwise Gamgee (Sean Astin) are continuing their quest to dispose of the ring once and for all. The ring is still taking a toll on Frodo, but not so much as it is with Gollum, a creature formally known as Smeagol who once possessed the ring and has been following Frodo and Sam, waiting for his chance to strike. Without a doubt, my favorite scene is the Gollum/Smeagol split-personality debate, not only because it is a witnessing of some of the best visual CGI in recent memory but also for Andy Serkis' debatably Academy-overlooked performance (I can understand the snub, but I don't agree with it). The Two Towers is a vital piece of the trilogy and fits it as well as the others do, however, of the three, it gets the bronze. My main beef with the film was the Ents and their incredibly slow ways; sure, they add variety and character to the series and do their part in providing an awesome action-packed ending for The Two Towers, but long and literally drawn-out dialogue is about the last thing a 179-minute film needs. Still, this is a small bicker, and the trilogy is still a must-watch.

Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

SCTV + Jim Henson = Only way to do Little Shop.

[6/10 · 8 December 2006]

As far as non-Disney movie-musicals from the 80's go, Little Shop of Horrors is probably about as good as you can get, although since its sharing a category with disasters like Earth Girls are Easy and Xanadu, that's not saying much. In this adaptation of Roger Corman's schlocky monster flick, Rick Moranis (remember him?) plays Seymour Krelborn, a poor doofus of a kid working as a lackey for a downtown flower shop on its last legs. One day he comes across a "strange and unusual plant" he affectionately names "Audrey II" after his co-worker and girl of his desires, Audrey (Ellen Greene). As Seymour's discovery rapidly grows, so does the store's business; alas the catch is the plant won't grow unless it is regularly fed blood, which Seymour does with a poke and squeeze of his fingers. When Audrey II lets Seymour in on the secret that she can talk (and sing with soul thanks to the vocal talent of The Four Tops' Levi Stubbs), the evil manipulative plant talks Seymour into something a tad more chewy than blood in exchange for empty promises. All of the songs are catchy - standout musical numbers include "Skid Row" (Moranis, though nasal, is shockingly talented at singing), "Feed Me," and my favorite scene, "Dentist!" with classic doll-decapitating Steve Martin appropriately miscast as Audrey's rebel D.D.S. boyfriend. The movie can come off as painfully campy at times (especially if your high school is one of the millions to do the stage production), but through the astounding puppetry of the Jim Henson Creature Shop (Frank "Fozzie" Oz directed) and some memorable funny cameos by the likes of Bill Murray and Christopher Guest among others, Little Shop gets the passing grade, even if the ending does a complete 180 from the original stage musical's.

Problem Child 2 (1991)

Even De Niro in Cape Fear would be disappointed.

[2/10 · 8 December 2006]

The only good either of the Problem Child films caused was bringing together Amy Yasbeck and the late John Ritter. Aside from that, the flicks are as demonic as their hero. In this basically unnecessary sequel, freshly separated Ben (Ritter) and his little hellraiser Junior (Michael Oliver, who never needs screen-time ever again) move to a new town infested with willing bachelorettes. Ben eventually picks Lawanda (played by the most underused original SNL-er Laraine Newman), whose Blanche DuBois tendencies don't suit Junior in the least. To add on to Junior's torture, it seems this town already has a little firestarter in younger girl form with Trixie, who coincidentally has a sweet, single mother played by Yasbeck, the same actress who played Junior's first horrible mother-through-adoption. You can see where the plot goes from here. Searching for my favorite scene is like pulling teeth, so I guess I'll go with the "cherry bomb in the toilet" gag that makes Back to the Future's James Tolkan one of the many grown-up victims (that guy's always playing school authority figures). Jack Warden and Gilbert Gottfried return as their parts from the first film, but sadly, there is no appearance from the Bow-tie Klansma- er, I mean Killer (Michael Richards) that made Problem Child all the more fun. On a serious note, I'm sure these films, whether abusive parents saw them or no, did wonders for the red-headed children of America. Let us also salute these proud American flicks for their terrific promoting of adoption. Oh, and dog poop jokes - gotta have dog poop jokes.... Shmucks.

My Favorite Martian (1999)

Embarrassed Ray Walston to death.

[1/10 · 20 October 2006]

Shazbot, is this embarrassing. In fact, here's a list of 100 that makes up the embarrassment: 1.) a failed comeback for Christopher Lloyd. 2.) Jeff Daniels basically playing the same role he played in the live 101 Dalmatians remake which wasn't too juicy to begin with. He sure has a funny way of promoting his Purple Rose Theatre... 3.) Disnefluff. 4.) another disappointing reminder that Wallace Shawn is to Disney what Jet Li was to Bob Hoskins in Unleashed. 5.) Ray Walston, the original martian from the TV series, played a bit part (read "cameo") in this flick and died two years later of lupus. Coincidence? 6.) awful special effects. Seriously - awful. 7.-100.) that damn talking, farting suit voiced to an annoying degree by Wayne Knight ("Newman!"). My favorite scene? HA! HA ha, ha! Ha ha ha ha ha... Whew!... Good one. You - You're a joker. Okay, let's wrap up this review with a moment of silence for this franchise's agonizing death, and if you would like, you can say a quick prayer that Disney doesn't forget this travesty and do something silly like a movie adaptation of "Mork and Mindy" starring Tim Allen.........................................................

Treasure Island (1950)

Disney's FIRST great pirate movie.

[8/10 · 20 October 2006]

Pending on your tolerance for old colorized black-and-white films, this one is still good. Treasure Island, the story by Robert Louis Stevenson featuring Long John Silver, Xes marking spots, and all that pirate yargen, is another classic novel that's been told to death (especially by Disney - one with Muppets and Tim Curry and another taking place in outer space as one of the last attempts to resurrect the 2-D animation department). Funny how the first time Disney made it is the most recognizable and best rendition. Every time Long John Silver is mentioned, I think of Robert Newton's characterization (once I get past drooling over fried shrimp). Jim Hawkins was played by Bobby Driscoll, who also provided the voice for Disney's Peter Pan and became one of the saddest "child star stories" in the history of Hollywood. My favorite scene is pretty hard to remember... I remember seeing Silver's peg-leg for the first time and being surprised... I also somewhat remember Hawkins escaping Silver's blade penetrating a barrel he's hiding in... This film is probably pretty hard to come across these days, but if you ever get a chance to watch it, don't hesitate to sit down and enjoy. I credit Treasure Island to the birth of my fondness for anything piratey... well, it and Captain Hook.

The Adventures of Huck Finn (1993)

Appears to be Disnefluff, but isn't.

[7/10 · 20 October 2006]

Say what you will about Mark Twain, but the story of Huckleberry Finn and Jim was truly his best. Forget Tom Sawyer and his fence - the tale of a mischievous child from an abusive home escaping with a runaway slave capable of enlightening said-child's perspectives on freedom gets my vote. At the height of the popularity of Bart Simpson, Disney released another adaptation of the classic starring a new up-and-coming child actor named Elijah Wood as Huck and a Yale graduate named Courtney B. Vance as Jim. But wait! The stars just keep on coming; Back-to-back Oscar-winner Jason Robards as the King, pre-Harry Potterized Robbie Coltrane as the Duke, Ron "Hellboy" Perlman (I could've sworn it was Tom Waits!) as Huck's drunk pappy, and Anne Heche (still hiding her cuckoo) as Mary Jane Wilks. There are also cameos by "Six Feet Under's" Frances Conroy, Curtis "Booger" Armstrong, and Pete's younger brother Pete Danny Tamberelli. There are quite a few dark moments for this PG-rated film, but maybe that's a big part of why I support it; Huck's gun-wielding confrontation with his father happens to be my favorite scene, though it's certainly not the darkest (That would be Billy's big scene.). The end of the movie is quite different from the end of the book - of course, they took the happily-ever-after approach - which sucks and ultimately makes a film filled with beautiful scenery and an unbelievably terrific score by Bill Conti seem like just another piece of Disnefluff. I know a bad ending can slay an entire movie, but one can't deny there's some good stuff in this one.

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Oldman's Professionalism Outweighs All

[4/10 · 23 August 2006]

I have an astonishing confession to make: I have never actually read the book written by Bram Stoker. However, I do have a vague idea of how the story goes. There's this alarmingly mysterious character that lives in a castle in Transylvania who goes by Count Dracula. He possessed some dude he met named Renfield to secretly find some victims with fresh, delicious blood and to eat nothing but insects and thrive on their souls. Dracula picks the wrong girl to bite (Lucy) and after her health and behavior become questionable (along with Renfield's actions), her peers seek the help of Professor Van Helsing, not a Broadway-loving Australian but a doctor who specializes in the abnormal. Lucy dies and rises again as a bloodsucker, only to be murdered again by the VH crew. Van Helsing says she was the victim of a vampire and that the ringleader of the vampires must be killed for this chaos to end. They figure out it's Dracula, and after a heated battle, a stake is driven through Dracula's heart, thus putting an end to his terrorizing, and everybody else live happily ever after. (I'd like to thank my clearest source, the Mel Brooks film Dracula: Dead and Loving It.) This film, directed by Francis Ford Coppola, succeeds in educating the audience about the mostly unmentioned, and therefore unknown, elements of the story, but its weakness of containing a mostly undevoted, undedicated, and cluelessly unaware cast damn near overpowers any knowledge that can be learned by having the audience focus on glaring errors rather than interesting tidbits.

The most horrible work is brought to the table by that often-mocked thespian Keanu Reeves. The man of "Whoa!" plays Jonathan Harker, an Englishman who takes it upon himself to investigate Dracula's castle and is held captive for quite a while. Read that sentence again. Keanu Reeves plays an Englishman. Imagine Reeves not even trying to discipline his surfer ways and deliver lines in a British dialect. Now multiply that monstrosity by two, and you have his laughable performance. Still can't imagine it? Read this line aloud: "I've seen where the bawsterd sleeps!" Also, I suppose out of fright and terror, Harker's hair turns white, which looks ridiculous with Reeves' golden tanned face. In Reeves' defense, I will say this: These days, he has at least shown a little improvement in his movies since Dracula.

To be blunt, the actors that disappointed me a bit more than Keanu were the dread pirate Cary Elwes (as one of three guys who wanted to get in bed with Lucy) and respected Oscar-winning thespian Sir Anthony Hopkins, who played Van Helsing. Before I dis Elwes' performance, I will say he has done much worse (see Saw), but Dracula is another example of his bad habit of overacting from time to time. Perhaps he was trying to upstage the other two horndogs after Lucy; ultimately, none of the three are interesting in the least. As for Hopkins, he disappoints his new found fans from his first go at Hannibal Lector by taking a juicy role like Van Helsing and sleep-acting throughout the film.

The best performance of the film belongs to Gary Oldman (surprise, surprise) as the title role. His dialect actually sounds Transylvanian, as opposed to Bela Lugosi's more famous Hungarian dialect, and he brings the perfect doses of sensuality and blasphemous vengeance to the role. My favorite scene is in the beginning, when the not yet undead Dracula, a warrior returning from battle, finds his love (Winona Ryder, briefly playing Elisabeta) has committed suicide and takes the matter personally, in powerful anger, with God. Oldman, through an odd mix of hatred and sympathy, has the audience eating from the palm of his hand from that point on, and he delivers his tortured lines in another language! Watching the movie, I actually felt sorry that the phenomenal actor put more thought, research, and heart into the film than anybody else in the cast and the director did. Had this been a better movie, Oldman would have better roles on his resume and more nominations under his belt.

Tom Waits, who plays bug-munching Renfield, is always delightfully mad fun, but I wish he had more scenes. As for Ryder, her Mina participates in some great seductive chemistry with Oldman, but her scenes with Keanu slump in appeal. Finally, Sadie Frost, who does a fine job of moaning, rubbing herself, and showing her bare chest as Lucy, would have had a great career in porn after this movie if she had pursued it - too bad I don't remember or recognize anything else she has done (I know, I know; she was married to Jude Law once. So what?).

Oscars were received for the costumes and sound editing, and while the costumes were creative and colorful, they did not seem to match the realism the film was going for. The award-winning makeup for the vampires was absolutely astounding and reminded me of much later creatures made for the Lord of the Rings trilogy. On the other hand, to make the film all the more uneven, the visual effects and set design were sadly dated, relying on tricks from the '60s, like black silhouettes battling in front of a red-lit backdrop. Overall, the movie is heavily weighted down by its faults, but thanks to Oldman, this bat is still barely in flight.

Batman Begins (2005)

Getting Back Up Again

[9/10 · 23 August 2006]

I find this project that steers away from any past representations that include feminine Carreys or frostbitten governators to be a fantastic superhero movie. Unfortunately, most anybody who is not in a profession that doesn't directly correlate with the movie industry may find quite a few things abnormal and/or wrong with the film.

From an acting standpoint, hardly any harsh comments can be made. Christian Bale, an actor I still have trouble believing is Welsh, makes an okay Batman, but on the other hand, he is without a doubt the best Bruce Wayne ever seen in any of the Caped Crusader's franchises. The screenwriters, along with Bale, obviously realize that the honest identity of the two is Wayne, a billionaire (not an "aww, shucks" Peter Parker or Clark Kent type) who witnessed the murder of his parents as a child, was beaten to the punch at literal revenge to his benefit, has spent a chunk of his life in hiding and toughing up, is moral enough to keep from being a murderer, and is professional enough not only to deal with personal matters but all seedy actions. Batman isn't just another identity; it's Bruce Wayne's night job, and he doesn't get paid for it. He's a ninja with ears, a cape, and modernized gadgets.

...Which brings me to the rest of the cast. Recent Oscar-winner Morgan Freeman plays Lucius Fox, Wayne's down-to-earth "Q" who provides a tough costume, spyware, and an early jet- tank-like model of a Batmobile, as the lovable, reactive Freeman he usually is in film. Katie Holmes, playing the love interest since childhood, does her best work when she's poisoned and delusional, but in every other scene she still had teenage mannerisms. Tom Wilkinson takes the role of the kingpin of Gotham City's crime and cheeses it up a bit with a stereotypical goomba dialect, but due to his awesome-as-always timing and focus, I'll forgive him and let him have fun. Cillian Murphy plays the Scarecrow with the realism director Christopher Nolan anticipated for this adaptation, but he was just too youthful to play the ward of an asylum (kudos to Murphy for apparently making the casting director forget this slight problem when he was being considered for the role). Liam Neeson seemed like the only natural choice to play Wayne's past trainer Henry Duccard and fully captured the spirit of the character. My only complaint with Neeson is this is, like, the bajillionth time he's played a character like this. He had a protégé in The Phantom Menace, he had a protégé in Gangs of New York... enough with the typecasting already! Neeson, you're above that! Finally, the two best performances of the movie are thanks to Michael Caine and Gary Oldman. Oldman, a master of dialects, plays the not-yet-commissioner Gordon with spot on confusion of his new masked accomplice and sincere, heartfelt, untarnished devotion to his career. The actor knows the difference between when Gordon is supposed to feel like he's "seen it all before" and when to be taken back by those formerly rare moments of surprise. I haven't seen the best of Oldman's work yet, but by this performance alone, Academy: You're telling me this guy has never even received a nomination for an Oscar? That's pre-Batman Gotham City politics (or in one word: criminal).

As for the butler of Wayne Manor, Alfred Pennyworth, if you're like me, the face of Michael Gough is forever embedded in your memory in association to the character. The newest Michael to play Alfred (Caine) takes the character down a different path from overemphasizing the age; he plays Alfred like the foster parent he is, more or less. If any character shares Wayne's loss for his parents and embodies the helping hand when times are difficult for Batman, it's Alfred, and Caine plays the real hero of the movie with sheer confidence.

The movie itself is obviously trying to be a front runner for the technical awards and will most likely earn those nominations (the sound editing's amazing). The fight choreography might have been good, and I could tell you for sure if there hadn't been such close close-ups and such quick film editing during the action. However, the story is exactly what the title implies: the beginning of Batman. Personally, I was afraid the filmmakers would take their project far too seriously since the last Batman movie was so campy and horrible, but to my pleasure, they still had moments of humor. My favorite scene was Batman's first encounter with crime on a shipping ground. The thugs of the scene share their timid and frightened anticipation with the audience; it's like watching Jason Voorhees stalk his prey... if Jason were a ninja who didn't stalk and kill the innocent.

I've seen the movie three times now. It has its flaws, but trust me, people who take their comic-book-reading seriously need to see this movie. If you want campy fun with soap opera-like plot, stick with the Spider-Man flicks. If you want a perfect balance of both the cheese of the comics and deeply thought out world symbolism, X2: X-Men United is still the best.

Running Scared (1986)

The Deteriorating Cop-Buddy-Flick Formula

[2/10 · 17 August 2006]

In case you dear readers never heard, this movie was the main inspiration for last year's Samuel L. Jackson-Eugene Levy clunker The Man. This 80s-drenched buddy action-comedy pairs short 'n stubbly Billy Crystal and the late Ethiopian Shim-Shammer Gregory Hines together as some witty Chi-town cops who don't play by the rules. That's pretty much the extent of the movie. Interest is somewhat peaked by Hines' line delivery that is spookily similar to Will Smith's and by cameos of now-more-famous actors like Memento's Joe Pantoliano and "NYPD Blue's" Jimmy Smits. My favorite scene is, I dunno, the car chase on the tracks, I guess. Basically, I just view this movie as a major helping hand in the demolition of action buddy flicks. Well, this and Lethal Weapon 4... and Rush Hour 2... and The Man...

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

(Be ready to groan at a pun... ready?...) This sucks.

[1/10 · 17 August 2006]

I love dissing this movie. My peers always try their best to defend it, probably out of love for Quentin Tarantino or Harvey Keitel, but they'll never convince me that this one should be treasured. Here's some huge reasons why: A: The plot goes from kidnapping road trip movie to vampire-inhabited strip bar slasher flick with no set-up whatsoever. Suddenly something very real turns into something very fake, which is like sitting the audience down to a Thanksgiving feast then exploding it with dynamite. B: That untalented Juliette Lewis is in it. C: Preposterous ideas abound such as actual torso-and-leg guitars, brothers with the last name "Gecko," bad vampire make-up jobs, Cheech Marin playing three characters (?), and a crotch-based gun that only fires when "erect" and belongs to a guy who goes by "Sex Machine." If Robert Rodriguez didn't pathetically try to be so innovative with his violence, I might've had fun with this obvious popcorn flick. The whole project's like he got the ideas by playing with action figures. The only thing even close to being considered my favorite scene is George Clooney's laugh-out-loud cheesy monologue after he kills his blood-sucking, horny-for-children, terrible-acting brother. I swear I think they thought it up right then and there. This movie's out to offend, and ends up offending those who want the offensive. Horrible movie.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)

More for the children.

[3/10 · 17 August 2006]

Let's face it: Neither of the actual Ace Ventura films are very well done, but Jim Carrey gives them strength to stand. Unfortunately, pending on age, this one, the sequel, is the weaker of the two. Despite a scene where Ace is, ahem, grooming his gopher, most of this movie is pointed toward the kids of the audience (lots of "Aren't the animals cute?" humor). However, there are a few scenes adults can get a hearty laugh at, like Ace's well-timed "Twilight Zone" and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang references. Being a Jim Carrey vehicle, the movie's also pretty quotable ("Excuse me, your ba1l$ are showing! - Bumblebee-tuna.") My favorite scene, of course, is Ace's escape from an undercover robo-rhino much to the dismay of a family on safari.

Volunteers (1985)

Hanks' marriage - the only good to come out of this

[1/10 · 17 August 2006]

Did you ever think to yourself, "Man, that Bridge on the River Kwai was okay, but it should have been a comedy!?" Me neither. Bad news: somehow, it exists. Tom Hanks, the star of this crap, has said that there are some movies he wishes he could remove from his resume. Volunteers should be one of them, but might not be since he met his long-time wife Rita Wilson through it - love shows up at the kookiest times, huh? John Candy is hands down the most irritating part with his lousy Tom Tuttle character, and it's quite embarrassing to see our precious Hanks act a fool and throw away lines in a lame "rich Harvard boy" stereotypical dialect. I honestly can't think of anything I'd call my favorite scene... I suppose it's when Hanks throws cigarettes and gum to the villagers. If you really want to see Hanks and Candy paired up in a much better film, see Splash. If you see Volunteers on the rental shelf, do me a favor: knock the display case to the ground and "splash" a loogie on it. Anyone with a brain won't care.

Police Academy (1984)

At least the franchise started off well...

[7/10 · 17 August 2006]

I knew it would be a matter of time before I reviewed one of these films (For the record, there are 6 sequels and a new "rebirth" in the works, and don't ask me how many I've sat through.). I think the key reason the PA movies are the most dissed film franchise ever comes from the makers' ultimately well-intended mutiny on their original audience. This film, the very first, is actually an R-rated "Animal House takes over the law" flick, before the makers decided to market toward families. There's scary fuzzy homo-biker club humor! Stuck up Captain Harris flies head-first into a horse's patoot! There's a "mysterious hands (or is it... never mind) under the podium" gag... before the Clinton era! And say what you want about the films, but honestly, who doesn't love a trigger-happy Eugene Tackleberry (the late Otterbein grad David Graf) or "that dude who does the sound effects," Jones (Michael Winslow)? My favorite scene belongs to NFL great Bubba Smith (as the BFG Moses Hightower) who goes all "Hulk smash" on a squad car when racism shows its ugly head. So go ahead, be cool, and diss the Police Academy flicks - most deserve a little bashing - but I'm tired of that trend, and these days, there are way, way, WAY dumber movies.

Almost Heroes (1998)

An Interrogative Flick

[5/10 · 17 August 2006]

There are many unanswered questions that surround this TBS Superstation staple. Questions like: Who greenlit a picture of two incompetent explorers (played by Chris Farley and Matthew Perry, no less) who "compete" with Lewis and Clark in traveling across the country? Why did Christopher Guest (yeah, the one who specializes in mockumentaries) decide to make this mostly gross-out flick for teens? Exactly how spooky is that scene where Farley out-drinks an entire conquistador fleet? And why, oh why, was there a butt-shot of Eugene Levy? Maybe these questions are partly why I like this film far more than I should. Another reason may be that it showcases Farley the best of his final given films (the eagle's egg scene shows why fans adored him; flawless slapstick, all by himself... and a prop eagle). Another may be Perry's hilarious performance (he's at the height of his Chandler wit, which is all I really want to see him do). No matter how ridiculous the premise is, there actually are some genuinely funny ideas and moments in Almost Heroes, like old but nimble braves and a fellow traveler who, ignorantly and unwillingly, is dished out almost all of the group's natural suffering. My favorite scene is really more just a gag: The team of sweetly dumb pioneers gives in to fear of animals and take fire at one squirrel. My main question after watching Almost Heroes: How many more laughs could Farley have given us had he not passed away so early? My guess: Way more than Adam Sandler.

Superman (1978)

Not a bad first try.

[5/10 · 17 August 2006]

I've had conversations about favorite movies and the worst movies, but one time a new topic came up: What movie fits right smack dab in the middle? What movie is completely half and half with good and bad parts? Personally and so far, Superman is my top candidate for this position. On its behalf, it wisely goes over the usual movie ending time limit and gives more to the fans. The visual effects were done well considering the era, Christopher Reeve set a high bar to leap for any other who dares to play the Man of Steel, and the score by John Williams fits the hero to a T. The movie is indeed revolutionary in the comics-to-movie genre, but great Caesar's ghost are there a lot of glaring errors! Let's at least have the visual effects make sense! I always pity AND laugh at those three actors in the float away prison square or whatever that crap's supposed to be. Marlon Brando gives nothing to the movie except his name and orange skin (while he got $3.7 million and only 13 days of work on the set), and it seems like Mario Puzo wrote a final script with napkin pages. Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor is just as much of a clown as his assistants (Ned Beatty shouldn't pick on the mentally retarded like that), and finally, can anyone point out anything appealing about Margot Kidder's Lois Lane? She sure didn't do any feminists any favors by dorking out around Superman every meeting. My favorite scene happens in Smallville, when young Clark Kent gets left behind by peers, races a locomotive for a short cut, and greets his twerp comrades with a smirk. This at least fed Superfans a little of the nectar they were after. Cheesy or not, this is a necessary film for any movie buff, especially the ones who, God help them, want to fully understand the career and choices of Marlon Brando.

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

Get your UTPB today!

[4/10 · 17 August 2006]

This mysterious and spooky film always reminds me of my first and most irritating college roommate, the absolutely gay Kenny C. Odd I know, but the thing was he grew up very close to the town most of this movie takes place in, Point Pleasant, West Virginia, and upon seeing a commercial for the movie for the first time, even before the title was revealed, he knew what the movie was about. That's right, folks, this movie's based on true urban legends that were turned into one big urban legend tortilla and wrapped around a character played by Richard Gere to make an Unexplainably Tortured Protagonist Burrito (I've been working at Tumbleweed too long). I've never really believed dribble like the spirits of the dead trying to contact loved ones through seemingly evil ways, and I don't think the actors honestly believe it either; they may say they do in interviews, but their forced performances reveal everything. The movie itself does not do too bad on the creepout-o-meter though, and it's probably come the closest of any movie to actually making me worry about my well-being when mixed with the supernatural (still, not a lot of worry). My favorite scene happens in the first half of the movie when wildly paranoid Will Patton threatens to shoot wildly confused Gere, who stops by the house for directions/closure. This scene is when the movie is least hokey, and actually felt heart-pumping. The big climactic ending is pretty memorable as well... at the risk of giving away any twists, I'll tell you it involves a bridge and wrapped gifts... yeah... Also, Richard Gere is a mediocre actor and a really dumb person.

Alice in Wonderland (II) (1985)

Before LOTR, there was... Alice in Wonderland... on TV...

[7/10 · 17 August 2006]

Thanks to talk show legend Steve Allen, who produced this incredibly faithful adaptation to the classic work of far out yet relevant children's fiction, you and your child (or little nephew or whatever) can know all of Lewis Carroll's book without sticking your noses in it. This miniseries was oozing with miscellaneous celebrity cameos as they portray all your favorite wacky-logic-minded characters and then some, more often than not, doing so in tights! If it has been your lifelong ambition to rub a ridiculous, almost unknown, embarrassing Beatles moment in the face of a Fab Four fan, you'll definitely find Ringo Starr as the Mock Turtle fit to your sick pleasure. Other celebrities who would've done anything for Steve or just owed him really big favors include Patrick Duffy as Goat, Pat Morita as Horse, Jonathan Winters as Humpty Dumpty, Beau Bridges as Unicorn, Sherman Helmsley as Mouse, Scott Baio as Pat the Guinea Pig (HA!), and Telly "Kojak" Savalas as the Chesire Cat.

I mostly remember this movie fondly for three reasons: 1.) Because of this movie, I, unlike most people my age, am aware of one of the funniest voiced celebrities ever in Hollywood, Carol Channing. She has a muddier and more slurred speech impediment than that drunk you know at that really sleazy bar (You know the one). 2.) In one of the most pimp casting choices ever, the Rat Pack's Sammy Davis, Jr. plays the Caterpillar. That's really all there is to say there. 3.) This, what I'm choosing as my favorite scene, is probably very cheap and dated now, but whattaya want? I was 3-5 years old! The character that scared excrement out of me every time I saw it was the big dark dragon-like Jabberwocky, and the scene toward the end when it demolishes a dining hall filled with the Wonderland citizens is forever deemed frightening in my mind. As far as adaptations that were true to the novel(s), this two-part movie was the closest to The Lord of the Rings we had back then. Isn't that sad?

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Spidey Can't Always Get What He Wants

[8/10 · 17 August 2006]

While the first Spider-Man flick served most as a launch pad for the franchise to come, this sequel is where the action and story come together to form a clever pack of whoopa$s. The chosen villain this time is the mechanically tentacled Doctor Octavius a.k.a. Dr. Octopus a.k.a. Doc Ock (imagine Beavis or Butt-head trying to read that last one and cue the snickering) played by the ever-so-cool Alfred Molina. Now that Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire, in the role he was born for) has decided he's Spider-Man, this movie shows him get carried away and cocky with his alter ego. This sets him up to learn the harsh lesson that he can't be everywhere he's needed, whether it's to see Mary Jane perform in an excruciatingly boring play or to save a cute little girl from a burning building. My favorite scene is everything that happens on the subway train; the fight, the visual effects, the rescue, the pleasant fantasy of an unplanned gathering of completely nice and understanding New Yorkers - I like it all. The Spider-Man films have captured a slightly corny magic with realism that fit the comic book genre as snug as spandex, but this one vastly looms over the first mainly for the revelation punch it packs at the end. I wish I could have seen the smile creator Stan Lee wore the first time he saw this work of art.