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cdlemere
25
Love horror the best but will settle for the rest.
[evil9]
Reviews
The Swan (2004)
Sad, Truly Sad.
I watched the first episode of this show to see if it made me feel as dirty as the commercials did and now I need a holy water cleansing.
Unlike "extreme makeover" which changes people physically in positive ways (teeth correction, sun damage), this show preys on the truly weak individual who's self-esteem is so low that they need counseling more than a new nose. Then, to exploit them even further, the plastic surgeons treat them like conquests, and even degrade them for not meeting expectations. If they are still not pretty enough they get to go home with their painfully obvious plastic surgery. The blonde named Kelly looked so weird that I felt bad for her. Overall, I think this show is one of the most negative damn things I have ever seen and encourage viewers to watch UPN re-runs rather than this pathetic attempt at 'good' reality television.
S.I.C.K. Serial Insane Clown Killer (2003)
*POSSIBLE SPOILERS* The "S" actually stands for STUPID!
Please do not let the cover of this movie fool you. And if you're looking for a cheap horror movie to laugh at: this isn't it. Usually I will go for stupid if it's funny, but this stupid was so stupid it almost (or possibly did) make me stupid.
The film quality is better than a handheld, but not by much, and it's quite possible the music was created by pressing the Samba 2 key on a Casio keyboard. These problems should never really be a deterent from seeing a horror movie but add this amazing (weep) cast, and you have a real humdinger.
The story is about a guy who invites his friends up to his family cabin in Texas for the weekend. He also extends the invitation to his lady crush in his office. On the way there they meet a female in distress, who is then invited to come along by the other girls.
The stay at the cabin includes sex and nudity and soon everyone's panties are in a bunch when one girl disappears and odd items turn up in the house.
From there you (the audience) and the morons, um, actors, try to figure out what's going on and they soon begin to distrust one another. Overall I think I have made it sound better than it is. The main struggle with this movie is that the characters are very underdeveloped, the plot contrived, the acting bad and the motivations clueless. Once more this could be forgiveable it it was the least bit funny but alas, it is not.
The twist ending is only a twist in that no one would guess it simply because if you really thought back through the movie it would not have made sense anyway. Please don't let this review stop you from seeing the shear wonderment of this movie. (Woah, my nose just grew eight inches.)
Hellbreeder (2004)
*SPOILERS* The Return of Pennywise, I mean Nickelwise, I mean, uh, Hellbreeder
Before anyone starts thinking Dario Argento, no. This film was extremely disappointing for a variety of reasons and instead of typing a summary (which you can read on the back of the box) I will do my best to address some of the issues I had with this movie.
1.)Stephen King Did it Better- The movie version of "It" is not as good as the novel, or even that great of film, in that the editing and re-imagining weren't that good. I do think, however, that the story idea was very original and scary. While watching "Hellbreeder", I was totally put off by the fact that the screenplay had several "coincidences" that have nothing to do with coincidence. Centuries old thing masking itself as a clown to kill children in their backyards with sheets blowing-would be one of these coincidences.
2.)Leave the Surrealism to Argento, Boys- The filming techniques in this movie were interesting but too distracting. It seems like they were so busy looking for new angles, lighting and cells that the story gets pushed aside in the whole "look how awesome it looks" game. Watching the actress walk and stalk for ten minutes is not even suspenseful, let alone thrilling. Plus the repetition becomes almost comedic instead of horrifying.
3.)When Good Special Effects Happen to Bad Films- The blood effects are pretty damn good, as is the scar on the actress' body, which does lead to a pretty chilling scene. Once more, it was wasted on a film where you're trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
4.)Actors are NOT Bodily Functions- The detectives in this film are truly pointless in the end and are used like vehicles or bodily functions: something to get something done automatically. I hate when filmmakers can only make a plot move by adding someone for no real reason and then not even fleshing out the character.
-Overall, this movie is a poor attempt at artsy-fartsy horror.
Tequila Body Shots (1999)
Just Like the Real Thing
It almost made me puke and I woke up the next morning needing an aspirin.
I am glad to have learned the following 1) tequila can cure anything, 2) that body shots can perform miracles, 3)Joey Lawrence is still alive, and 4) that dreams really can come true in America because apparently anyone will give anybody a bunch a money to make anything no matter how crappy it is.
I wish I could have found this somewhat funny but the acting was so bad and the story so weak that I just couldn't. What's sad is that in some ways this comes off as some sort of after school special regarding the evils of tequila use or something. Shame on you Joey Lawrence.
The Convent (2000)
Cheap Thrills, Good Laughs *possible spoilers*
If you like "Dead Alive" and "The Evil Dead", you will enjoy this movie for it's tongue in cheek seriousness and cartoon like violence.
The opening sequence of the movie is very hardcore and enjoyable for it's over the top violence. We find ourselves witnessing a young girl in a catholic school girl outfit beating up nuns with a bat, setting them on fire and then shooting them with a shot gun. Don't worry, this is explained on the back of the box. Fast forward 40 years and the ride begins with a group of stereotypical college students that embody all the necessary personas. My favorite character is Goth girl Mo, whose one liners really pack a punch. My only regret about this movie is that she is not the main character and we are left with the wimpy Clorissa as the main character/hero. The wannabe Goths are also really fun to watch and you can tell everyone in the movie knew they were spoofing stereotypes and that everything was meant to be funny, instead of being funny because it sucks. The filming is much better quality than most B-movie films and this is most likely due to the fact that it is a Lions Gate picture. The special effects are sub-grade but like the afore mentioned horror movies it works because it's all so silly. Fun for a group of friends.