rogerebertisfat Reviews

Halloween (2007)

Horrible script and dialogue+horrible directing=GARBAGE

[1/10 · 2 September 2007]

I read this review online and agree with it 100%. I also added a little of my own two cents:

The young kid playing Michael does a good job. But that's about the only positive thing I can say about this movie. Overall, it's the same old trendy remake bulls**t. Oh and for the record, I thought his first two movies were pure garbage as well. Zombie needs to have an accomplished screenwriter help him polish his scripts and help with dialogue 'cause that dialogue is horrible. I've said this before, I swear all the time, but his characters use of swear words is so over the top that's the words actually lose any kind of power they have. It actually becomes silly as hell and extremely annoying. Really dumb a** scenes like Michael, instead of driving by slowly and watching the girls from a distance, walks around in plain site. Then he just stands there in the middle of the street, literally, and stares while the girls react in a very unrealistic way by yelling at him and saying ridiculous things like: "Hey you f***ing creep, you want some of the young stuff? Well come and get it you f***ing perv!" and "Hey! A**hole! My daddy's the sheriff so why don't you go crawl back under the f***ing rock you came from?" That's some pretty f***king horrible dialogue. There's also the ridiculous scene where adult Michael somehow locates Laurie's adoptive parents and kills them for no-apparent-reason. And I don't know what's up with Hollywood and this new love of that horrible shaky-cam, but I didn't expect it in a horror movie made by a supposed "old-school horror fan." The only good thing about the back-story was the little kid who played young Michael. Other than that, it's pointless. So little Michael got yelled at by his stepfather, big deal. He was ignored by his sister and bullied a bit in school, boo hoo! So he wasn't taken trick-or-treating? Oh no! LOTS of people have experienced this. Why would that make him a killer? His mother loved him and treated him good. Now, if his ENTIRE family beat him through his whole life and he got beat up and picked on throughout his school days, then maybe it would be believable that he would become a psycho killer. But Zombie didn't show enough abuse, in my opinion, to make a believable reason why he kills. Rob Zombie said in some magazine interview that he wanted to "make things line up and have a reason WHY Michael has that mask. It's not just like oh, he robbed a hardware store so if they didn't have that mask then he'd be wearing a Ronald Reagan mask 'cause that's the one he stole?" So that's why Rob Zombie thought of the genius idea that Michael's sister's boyfriend brought the mask into the house? THAT is some amazing reason "WHY" he has that mask? That kills his argument because if the boyfriend would've had a Yoda mask, then Michael would've been wearing a Yoda mask. Anyway, that's something trivial that doesn't really ruin the movie. What ruins the movie is the unrealistic dialogue, the pointless back-story that really doesn't convince why Michael becomes a killer, the horrible shaky-cam, and the horrible direction. ALL of the characters, especially Dr. Loomis, are way too calm and nonchalant about Michael being out and killing people. How am I supposed to believe that Michael's THAT dangerous and scary if no one, not even his doctor, is freaking out about it? And for f**k's sake, Michael broke out, murdered a bunch of people to deliver an old picture to his sister???? Is Rob Zombie serious? How RETARDED. And why the hell doesn't Michael talk to his sister, who doesn't have the slightest idea who the hell he is by the way, when he CLEARLY has the ability to SPEAK? He's very capable of speech since his youth, so why would he just hand over an old picture and then stare like an imbecile? Overall, the movie just plain sucked. Definitely belongs in the same boat as one of the crappier remakes. But honestly, even if it weren't a remake, everything I mentioned still would make for one crappy movie. Seriously, the original "Halloween" wouldn't even have to exist for this movie to be garbage.

Oh I also forgot to add, and I know that a lot of directors do this, but why the hell does Zombie use the SAME actors in EVERY movie he makes? Especially putting his talentless wife in all of his movies is really annoying. If she had any REAL talent, wouldn't she be in other people's projects that weren't directed by her husband?

The Damned (2006 Video)

Cool low budget flick

[7/10 · 12 July 2006]

Don't listen to these other reviewers. They've completely exaggerated the movie. It's really not that bad. It's actually a decent little flick. I thought the music was great. Reminds me of old '80s punk like 45 grave, only with a dude singing. But as far as the movie goes, I think anyone who trashes it are taking themselves and this movie way too seriously. The truth is there are TONS of worse movies out there, some of them even making it to theaters. And in my opinion, it was decent. It had me entertained. Besides the music, it had some good make- up effects (I don't know what movie that foreign dude saw, 'cause there's no masks worn in the movie at all. It was all make-up) and plenty of blood. And I thought all the vampires did really good. Was it the greatest horror movie? No. But it was cool for a low budgeted horror movie. I gave it a 10 'cause these other reviewers are just being haters. I'd say, watch it and enjoy it and then form your own opinion. But me, I liked it and I've seen more horror movies (good and bad) to know what I'm talking about.

Man on Fire (2004)

Horrilble, Unrealistic!!!!

[1/10 · 2 March 2006]

*******SPOILER ALERT************

I tried hard to ignore how fake this movie is but it just kept getting worse and worse. I don't care how much of a bad-a** Denzel's supposed to be, there is NO WAY in HELL that a Black man walks around Mexico City shooting and blowing up cars unnoticed. IMPOSSIBLE. That's like a green martian walking around in a major city here, shooting and blowing stuff up and NOT get noticed. Absolute bulls**t. Especially when the guys he's going after are supposed to be the kind of corrupt bad-a**es there are in Mexico who have the cops paid off. It was just too unrealistic. Especially the dumb-a** rave scene where he walks through the crowd with two half-naked people bound and gagged shooting off a shotgun and NO ONE notices???? GIVE ME A F***ING BREAK! Even if the ENTIRE CROWD was on ecstasy, they STILL notice. Total crap. RETARDED ending. Two thumbs DOWN!

Straw Dogs (1971)

How NOT to make a film.

[1/10 · 27 February 2006]

WARNING: CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILER!!!!!!!!!!

Probably one of the most mind-numbingly boring, slow-moving, dragging, unrealistic, and I stress UN-realistic, pieces of garbage I've ever wasted two hours of my life watching. Seriously folks, I don't know how this dull, idiotic waste of film is considered a classic. Either Dustin Hoffman was high on coke and weed when he agreed to star in this mess or he owed Sam Peckinpah a favor because it was absolute CRAP with a capital "C." After an almost two- hour build-up, the supposed "banned violence" starts, only it's just another 10-12 minutes of more unrealistic actions. I don't know what the script looked like, but the editing made the movie an incoherent mess. Literally, from one scene to the next, it felt as if I just walked in half-way through the movie or the DVD skipped a chapter or two. Yes, it's THAT bad.

The "rape" scene wasn't even much of a rape, since she didn't fight off the rapist and enjoyed it. Made no sense to me at all. People that try to explain the "rape" are clueless, because no matter how you slice it, it still makes NO SENSE.

I blame this really unbelievable, incoherent scene (and the whole crappy movie) on the very weak, slow, boring script, but ultimately, on the director (Sam Peckinpah) who disproves his legendary praise with this terrible film. No wonder NO ONE ever heard of this movie. I kept waiting and saying to myself "It's gonna get better, it's gonna get better" but it sure as hell didn't. It only p****d me off for forcing myself to watch the whole thing. The only saving grace is that I got it from Netflix so I didn't waste any hard-earned money on it. Seriously people, if you're thinking of seeing this film, do yourself, your mind, your eyes, a favor and SKIP IT!. Trust me. If you want to be bored to sleep, go ahead and watch it, but remember that I tried to warn you beforehand.

Hustle & Flow (2005)

Extremely overrated

[1/10 · 12 January 2006]

Instead of regurgitating the plot/story to anyone reading this, I'm going to tell you what a boring waste of time this is. First of all, the only reason why this thing has gotten so much praise is because a White guy wrote and directed it. If a minority wrote and directed it, it would simply be just another hood movie. That's the truth. "Boyz N Da Hood" and "Menace II Society" were much better movies. The performances were decent, but nowhere near worthy of the praise and hype that people have given it. The movie left me with a "been there, done that" feeling since there was nothing new added to the hood/urban genre, just the same old clichés and story. Bottom line: Extremely overrated.

The Boys Next Door (1985)

disturbing and funny

[9/10 · 11 January 2006]

First off, don't listen to the comments by the moron from Pleasant Valley, New Mexico. Maxwell Caulfield couldn't possibly be doing his version of "Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer" since "The Boys Next Door" came out BEFORE it. In fact, since "The Boys Next Door" came out in 1985, it's pretty safe to say that "Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer" (which came out in 1986) borrowed from it, not the other way around. Regardless, this movie has a great soundtrack and really funny dialogue ("Two Blacks and a Mexican.") Scenes so outrageous that they're actually funny (gas station beating). Now, while it's not the greatest film in existence, the fact that the (life- like) violence in the movie could really happen (and sad to say, similarly HAS really happened before), make this movie better than a lot of movies out today. The acting is pretty good, especially Maxwell Caulfield (probably his best performance). I'd recommend this movie to anyone, especially if you grew up in the '80s. People who don't like it are usually over-analyzing it a bit too much. Too many people are looking for "social commentary" when watching movies. They usually end up not liking many films. They forget the simplest thing: movies are made to entertain, bottom line.

Zombiez (2005 Video)

Hands down, the WORST waste of time I've ever seen

[1/10 · 20 September 2005]

Seriously folks, I would've given it a lower score but it only lets you go to 1. Wow. What a piece of garbage. Absolute waste of time. I felt it sucking the life out of me while watching it and even though I didn't pay to see it, I still want my money back. Hell, I want my hour and eight minutes of my life back. That was just torture. Quite possibly the WORST story, acting, direction, (zero) gore, all around waste of video tape. I can't even tell you what it's about since there's no plot. I didn't see one zombie through the whole thing. Just a bunch of morons with Halloween blood on them walking around chasing some talentless chick with plastic scythes that one would find at a Halloween store (this is not a joke, seriously. PLASTIC SCYTHES from a Halloween store). Horrible, horrible, horrible. EVERYONE involved with this videotape should be stoned to death or burned at the stake. I wouldn't recommend this crap to a retarded person because even a retarded person could tell that this LAME excuse for horror is pure crap plain and simple.

Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004 TV Movie)

Worst of the Worst Full Moon character movies!

[1/10 · 18 December 2004]

Total garbage from beginning to end. First off, the puppets have never looked worse. Whoever designed them should be beaten with a sack of doorknobs. Second, the writing/ dialog is terrible. Corny as hell. The acting is just as terrible. And whoever cast a woman that almost looks older than Corey Feldman as his daughter, is an imbecile. They grayed-up Corey's hair and made him talk like he was reprising his "Frog brother" role from "Lost Boys." Anyway, again, horrible-looking puppets and even worse puppeteering. They move like crap. When they finally DO fight the "Demonic Toys," you'll feel like a retard for wasting your time watching this. Trust me, stay the hell away. It's absolute CRAP with a capital C. You'd think that Charles Band NOT being involved would actually improve the latest "Puppetmaster" but unfortunately for the audience, it's actually the WORST "Puppetmaster" film. And believe me, I like a lot of cheesy movies ("Killer Klowns From Outer Space"), but this one was pure GARBAGE! I guarantee that Corey Feldman cringes at the thought of himself being in this crap...and THAT says a lot 'cause he's been in a LOT of crap throughout his career.

Undead (2003)

Great gore and effects, but CRAP of a movie.

[1/10 · 27 February 2004]

I'll start off with what I found good about the movie: the gore, the make-up, the digital effects, the locations and the all-around production value of the film. But, that's all it has going for it. The bad: HORRIBLE story/plot (ridiculous reactions by the characters such as running into the woods instead of jumping into your running car when being chased by ONE- slow-moving zombie), UNORIGINAL ( I can't stress that enough), REPETITIVE (I can't stress THAT enough), so-so to CRAPPY acting, the most ANNOYING, OBNOXIOUS "actor" I've ever had the displeasure of seeing (The male cop), and the thing that ruins the movie the most- the WORST musical score I've ever heard. I felt like I was watching a children's movie. That's the best way to describe it-CHILDREN'S MOVIE. Seriously, no exaggeration on my part. If you close your eyes, you'd swear you're watching "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" or some other children's TV show or movie. Which is pretty crappy when you're supposed to be feeling some sort of suspense when you're watching a zombie/horror/sci-fi movie. I felt NOTHING. Practically EVERY scene felt FLAT without any sort of mood-altering musical score. Not ONE shred of that circus sideshow of a score was remotely scary or suspenseful or tense-all feelings you should get while listening to a good horror movie score. It's painfully obvious that the filmmakers ripped off (some say "borrowed" others say "homage) almost every zombie movie ever made ('Return Of The Living Dead," "Evil Dead," "Dead Alive" aka "BrainDead") as well as other movies like "Phantasm 2," most notably with the triple-shotgun (in "Phantasm 2"-1988) "Reggie" made and used a DOUBLE-2 barreled shotgun. The zombies even groan

"BRAAAAIIIINS" and "JOIN US." Obviously they got that from "Return Of The Living Dead" and "Evil Dead." They re-use a few effects shots (the half-zombie body walking) and re-use the same sequence (Marion saves the survivors, survivors turn on him-this happens about 3 or 4 times). Overall, it's not the worst I've ever seen, but it sure as hell isn't great. It's not even good. Like I said, Only the gore, effects and overall production is good. But that isn't enough to warrant this film all the hype and praise it's getting on the internet.

Undead (2003)

The Score ruins the whole movie

[1/10 · 24 February 2004]

The score ruins the whole movie. Some of the worst music I've ever heard in a film. If I'd had closed my eyes, I could've swore I was watching a children's movie. YES, the musical score is THAT bad. Also, HORRIBLY annoying actors-especially that idiot male cop. RIPS OFF so many other movies that there's hardly any bit of originality in the script at all. Beside ripping off EVERY zombie movie ever made, they rip off the shotgun from "PHANTASM 2." But instead of having a DOUBLE-shotgun, they made it a TRIPLE shotgun. WOW! How original! On the plus side, it had REALLY GOOD effects and gore, but not enough to save this film. Watch "Dead Alive" instead. Trust me.

House of the Dead (2003)

One of the three worst horror movies ever made!

[1/10 · 19 February 2004]

What a perfectly good waste of film, good locations, sets and make-up effects. Horrible story/plot, even worse dialogue and acting. There's no words describing this garbage of a movie. Good thing that my roommate rented it and I wasted no money in watching that crap. The only thing I wasted was an hour and a half of my life. If you've had the displeasure of seeing the equally horrible "Dead Hate The Living," written and directed by the same imbecile that wrote "House Of The Dead," you'll see the obvious similarities with the horribly-written dialogue. Believe all of the reviews, it really IS that bad. Still, "FearDotCom" is worse, but this steaming pile of donkey sh#t is very close behind it. Definitely one of the worst three horror movies ever made. The other two being "FearDotCom" and "The Woodchipper Massacre."

Woodchipper Massacre (1988 Video)

Waste of life

[1/10 · 23 January 2004]

What a HUGE pile of dung. Shot-on-video (REALLY crappy camcorder, NOT digital) pile of garbage. It is without a doubt, the stupidest thing ever made. The fact that this crap was actually released is completely asanine. Everyone who sees it will become stupider for having watched it. Seriously. I felt like it killed several brain cells after I watched this garbage. The positive reviews of this a$$crap were obviously made by the "filmmaker" (and I use the term VERY loosely) himself and/or his family and friends because no normal person with the intelligence of a squirrel would honestly like this waste of life. Trust me, stay the hell away from this video. You'll thank me for it. Avoid it like herpes.