leagueofstruggle Reviews

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005 Video)

A man, his thermos, lame actors, lamer cinematography, lamest zombies

[1/10 · 22 August 2005]

Where to start? The prancing synchronized soldiers or the fact that after holding this film back an extra year they still couldn't add muzzle flashes to the weapons firing? The overuse of Karo syrup blood to cover the lack of any FX appliances or the dodgy zombies running, walking, dancing across the screen while the camera operator looks as if he's having a seizure? Dolleys, folks, with a budget like this they should have at least been able to afford a tripod for God's sake. At least they managed to add a CGI explosion for the beginning, even if it was the worst one I've ever seen to date. The opening 'gore' is, as I said, just ludicrous amounts of fake blood, I mean a lot, I suppose they expected since it was night shooting that no one would notice... I did. In fact only a blind man would miss just how awfully put together the precredit sequence is, and that blind man would no doubt comment on how horrible the foley voices are. After the wonderful credits we get a few individuals that may have been able to act when they were playing the scene live but... well how can you act when the editing crew can't sync up your voices properly later? Laugh as you see lip matching similar to a Shaw Brothers kung fu movie from the 70's. After some horrible dialog to 'establish' the characters, meaning giving them a quirk so we can empathize with them, or rather just to let us know what archetype Ana Clavell pulled out of a hat for each character we get to the mental hospital where extras 'act crazy' meaning they probably showed them One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and said, "Act like this!" We also get some expository dialog so we know the female counterparts are crazy as well and Emma is on Suicide Watch/ cut to across the street wrist scars rather than down the street. Why not have PLOT POINT flash across the screen a few times to beat it into our heads? We follow more dialog that is either horribly acted or badly written, wait it's both! Eventually a thermos of undead doom comes into play as one of the patients open a thermos found on a garbage detail and alas drops it to release horrible CGI! It was neither radiation nor the wrath of god that started the undead apocalypse! It was some idiot in a bathroom with a thermos and some bad computer graphics! I'm still waiting to see how this ties in to Romero's Day of the Dead... Oh wait! It doesn't! Telepsychic alien invaded zombie type people that share pain but don't sometimes. Hell, check Emma's sweet outbreak which is latex without any coloring! I can see how 75% of the budget went into special effects. You can also dig the guy that's so 'CRAZY' he eats vomit without knowing it! Hilarious! And above all CRAZY! You can also catch one of the actors squeezing pus from his infectious wounds or just pulling the latex off because he was tired of having the stuff on, your guess is as good as mine. Have I mentioned that I have yet to really see a camera held steady yet? We eventually get some backstory involving a Russian pilot with the actor playing him at least showing off what he learned in High School and a badly carved scar of a naked woman that sets off the apocalypse. In the current time period a meat loaf monster runs amok through the hospital and well, I hate to say it but the plot is linear and I'm making it sound more interesting than it really is. So far the best part of the film would be the hospital's head doctor's awesome bow tie... But... the characters are not really zombies.. they are extraterrestrial virus victims... Night of the Creeps did it better though. Upon reaching the zombie laden climax they break out a few appliances but still no blanks, muzzle flashes, or even squibs. Where did the budget go? Into Jim Dudelson's pocket? In the end, well they don't end it but rather tie up nothing at all and leave it open ended as if to supposedly allow it to tie in to Day of the Dead only it doesn't. If there is a God, he will somehow not allow Taurus Entertainment to make their money back via Blockbuster and Hollywood Video sales, unfortunately they will. This movie has such horrible direction, you have shambling zombies, running zombies, hyper-intelligent pan dimensional zombies and an ending worse than Umberto Lenzi's Nightmare City. This movie just screams amateur on so many levels. After all the hype and promises they did remove the promised zombie baby in light of Dawn of the Dead 2004's zombie baby, by simply cutting the ending off the movie.I applaud the efforts of Taurus Entertainment as the makers of the worst zombie movie ever. This made The Dead Hate the Living! look like an epic of Ben-Hur proportions. It made me pray that a few zombies from Zombie Lake would wander on screen or that Uwe Boll would make a cameo. By far the most amateur, weak zombie film ever produced in terms of plot, acting, special effects, and cinematography.

Burning this film would be an insult to fire.

FleshEater (1988)

Hinzman decides his appearance in NOTLD needs a feature role

[2/10 · 29 April 2004]

Redundant zombies film that never even bothers to try to cover new territory. The film suffers from lackluster filmmaking that plods along as if a zombie were actually doing the filming. The film follows the basic outline of Night of the Living Dead and only deviates slightly to show some nudity. The film was made in 1988 so surely Bill Hinzman (the first zombie seen in the original NOTLD) was not living in a cave and had surely seen the bar for the zombie genre has been raised a little. As much as Bruno Mattei's Hell of the Living Dead was a rip-off of Dawn of the Dead it still had a few nuggets of original thought. Flesheater wallows in its complete lack of originality. Watch for Bill Hinzman doing the groping every time nudity is involved. Marvel as bland, boring, and brain dead actors walk through their lines as if in a daze. Your jaw will drop at the dull, plodding action. This film is the true essence of the mediocre of the horror genre. Truly that makes it even more awful in some ways than Bianchi's Burial Ground (Peter Bark rules!) and a lesser contender than After Death by Claudio Fragrasso (kung-fu ninja zombies!). Little wonder this film has managed to stay under the radar for so long. Remember to watch for Hinzman's attempts to steal the limelight as the king zombie throughout the film. He'll just pop up whenever anything interesting is happening or involves a female and make sure the camera focuses on him. A zombie vanity movie, who would have thought?

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

Peter Bark is the everyman hero...

[10/10 · 29 April 2004]

A movie of such bombastic ineptitude it's not unlike watching Sam Raimi try to direct a movie while at the same time being gang beaten by a group with electric cattle prods until he's stupid. And even then that's probably giving Bianchi more credit than he deserves for this film. Burial Ground also goes down as the only living dead movie where the zombies are more intelligent than the protagonists although Nightmare City by Umberto Lenzi comes close. Certain considerations must be given to Bianchi on this film however. He doesn't flub the living dead film formula like the modern counterpart directors that try ineffectively to make living dead films these days. He is confident enough in the makeup FX to film the zombies in broad daylight. In this case the DVD reissue that cleaned the film up didn't do the movie any favors as the previously murky VHS release partially masked some of the more pathetic zombie FX. The plot falls on its face in most cases and could be a case example of choices a protagonist in a horror film should never make. The characters just continually make so many wrong choices you may find yourself rooting for the zombies. Then again if the characters made the right choices the movie would have been over in twenty-five minutes. Of course all these horrible choices have consequences in that characters do drop like flies throughout the film and meet one messy end after the other. The death scenes are creative and Bianchi at least stretched his imagination a little to give some interesting deaths to the characters in the film, ludicrous as some of them may be. As usual for standard B-movie fare the dubbing is weak at best, an insult to eardrum at worst. Dialogue suffers a similar fate, in this case it just stretches between illogical, silly, or plain sleazy. The dubbing doesn't help the representation of the characters' intelligence either.

The graphic violence is excessive in almost every case, a plus for those seeking grue and crimson splashes. The best actor in the film by far is Peter Bark who is a twenty (thirty?) something that plays the role of a ten-year-old boy. This was due to child labor laws in Italy at the time and Peter Bark shines in his role of the Oedipal boy, Michael. It adds so many levels of sleaziness to the film Bianchi is to be applauded for tackling this difficult social issue. The climax of the film is a guaranteed disappointment as the film feels more like it either just ran out of budget and closed shop or Bianchi just ran out of ideas. The ending is not unlike reading a book only to find out someone ripped out the last ten or fifteen pages, it ends that abruptly. The pacing of the film up to the end is decent, being that the characters are one step above an amoeba on the evolutionary scale we aren't bothered by such things as characterization or advancement of personality. From the moment the dead rise it's just a series of encounters where the protagonists make horrible judgment calls and pay the price for it. If anything the breakneck pace of the film keeps a person entertained rather than bogging down. Seriously, if the characters are not fornicating they are battling the living dead. It at least keeps the action, one way or another, flowing. If you enjoy the Italian living dead genre Burial Ground will not disappoint, others are probably better turned away.

The Ghost Galleon (1974)

In another dimension, a ghost ship in a bathtub awaits..

[7/10 · 29 April 2004]

El Buque maldito suffers from several alternate titles, perhaps distributors fear a stigma if it is out in the open about being the third of the Blind Dead movies? Amando de Ossorio delights those that follow the Blind Dead series with a third installment. I have to admit those pesky Templars seem to end up just about everywhere by the time you've made it through the fourth installment. This review deals with the cut version, as I have been unable to locate an uncut version as much as I would like to find it. Special effects are adequate although the ghost ship that is the Templars' residence this time is severely lacking. The sets themselves are decidedly creepy and evocative. Given, most hardened viewers will not find themselves terrified by the lumbering skeletons and may well ridicule the slow moving protagonists in this film. By today's horror standards the Templars are not the most threatening but make up for their snail pace by just being patiently tenacious. Dubbing is a disaster in this film, all foreign horror films for the 70's and 80's get the royal raspberry treatment when it comes to dubbing. The lines are delivered dead pan and generally seem more concerned with matching lip movement than conveying plot points. Anyone familiar with the Blind Dead mythos will most likely figure out there's more going on within the ship than just the Templars randomly killing. I assume the sacrifice scenes ended up chopped out of the release I watched. The film has its weak points as well as strong. None of the characters are particularly likeable, although all the females are decidedly attractive. Apparently Ossorio decided to spice the weaknesses of the film up by distracting the male audience with eye-candy. The plastic ghost ship in the bathtub may cause humorous howls from the more FX sensitive.

The film is atmospheric and conveys dread with an even hand. The camera work is excellent throughout. More than anything else the film is purely hamstrung by budgetary constraints. The confined space of the galleon apparently reduced the budget but not near enough to cover all the bases.

If you enjoyed Amando de Ossorio's previous Blind Dead films this one should not disappoint. Others may find the film too slow moving and come away disappointed.

Demons (1985)

An exercise in supernatural action nonsense

[8/10 · 9 March 2004]

Demons, a film by Lamberto Bava, really doesn't make a lot of sense. On the surface the plot is simple, persons are trapped in a theater while a supernatural menace threatens their survival. However, the why is it happening, where did it come from, and such is never answered or for that matter even hinted at. Do not look for intricate plot twists, resolution, or character development in this film. Characters remain much the same as when they appear in the film, the archetypes being modeled with a fairly heavy hand. Given this lacking of basic elements, what is to like about this film then? Demons is a roller coaster ride of supernatural action set against a surreal backdrop with a full ladle of grue and brightly colored pus as one of its mediums. Demons will not please everyone, and it seems more of an exercise of Lamberto Bava finding his feet. Many scenes seem shot for the sake of simply wanting to shoot them. The hidden room discovered at one point in the film really serves no point other than establishing the otherworldly elements of the theater that had already been shown and set. The scene seems more of an experiment in setting a mood for a creepy room and various shots.

The film triumphs in its use of camera angles and scene shots. The cinematography produces a feeling of claustrophobia; as well it should since the entire theme of the film is about being trapped in a normally mundane place twisted into an insane prison. For the most part the action remains the acts of desperate normal people in a completely unnatural situation until the climax. At this point the main protagonist finally snaps and becomes the stuff of heroes. Some critics hold the climax in disdain, as completely unbelievable in comparison to the film's previous events. In a way it's the only way the film could go as the protagonist must make selfless act of sacrifice and throw himself at the rampaging demons. In this the hero takes on the persona of the invincible warrior, the dire avenger and he takes his toll upon the supernatural menace. Once there is a lull in the menace, the hero returns to the status of a normal person. He comes back to his senses and is just as terrified of his surroundings as before. While not exactly character development it does stand as a testament to the human will being able to adapt to extreme situations. The special effects are adequate in the film, possibly a bit dated by modern standards. The film work is well directed with style and flair; Bava obviously inherited some of the visual styling of his father, Mario Bava. The movie tends to keep from getting overly bogged down about events despite the overtones on inevitable doom. Acting is standard horror fare with no great aid from sub par voice dubbing as is standard for most Italian films during this time period. Demons rises above many of the more unwatchable films in the 80's horror genre Italian or otherwise. While it will not please every viewer, fans of Italian horror cinema will definitely not be disappointed and many mainstream horror fans will be pleasantly surprised as well.

Warriors of the Wasteland (1983)

Unholy Rolling Golf Carts of Doom!!!

[6/10 · 9 March 2004]

Pulling cinematic threads together I Nuovi Barbari saw a second life when it's model city sets were reused in Lucio Fulci's Guerrieri dell'anno 2072 (The New Gladiators). I could be wrong and an Italian man could have gleaned a lot of work building cardboard cities for all those 80's Italian post-apocalypse films. Regardless, the opening credits let us know the world came to an end due to a meteor or some stagehand's forgotten cigarette crashing into a cardboard city. After this we have to deal with another of Max Rockatansky's cousins that suffers a few mental setbacks. Scorpion drives around in his mock up V-8 Interceptor with a big glowing bubble dome in the roof, superfluous tubes, and hood mounted chrome skull. Scorpion's enemies are a smorgasbord of peeved caddies that roll across the wasteland in their super-modified golf carts complete with slicers, dicers, disintegrators, spears, donkey molesters, and other implements of golfing terror and destruction. The terrified victims of these rampaging carts are hard pressed not to completely outrun these lumbering carts of woe and despair. Laden as they are with donkey molesters, flame throwers, tin foil, and extra passengers these vehicles of the brave new wasteland top out and redline around 2 MPH. Apparently all the survivors of the wasteland made fun of the golf carts because One (George Eastman), the leader of the post-apocalyptic rugged caddies that call themselves the Templars wants to kill everybody in the wasteland. Scorpion (Giancarlo Prete) being the yin to One's yang only wants to kill a select few people, mostly ones that ride around on golf carts causing trouble. One (Eastman) establishes himself as the true entity of evil early on by effortlessly ripping (or rather breaking) a bible in half in a rather comical display of strength. Giovanni Frezza makes an appearance as the young mechanic and you may very well recognize him from Bava's Demons 2 or Fulci's House by the Cemetery. Giovanni gives another stellar performance as he freely transforms from his diminutive figure to a strapping, full-grown stuntman in a blond wig when convenient.

Warriors of the Wasteland is a study in one take magic as it becomes painfully obvious that many special effects were botched and just left in, no retakes allowed. Most painfully obvious is a fleeing citizen almost, but not quite, (botched special effect!!??!?!) decapitated by a golf cart donkey molester. The head kind falls over staying connected and the body just slumps over, although it twitches effectively. Anybody can tell this should have been shot over but either the budget didn't allow or Enzo G. Castellari (the director) just didn't care. Another effect has a golf cart shaft spear a man's rump, this may have been intentional as Scorpion receives a similar fate later on with a different kind of spear. Regardless, the effect is particularly lackluster. At this point things are bleak and we haven't even gotten to Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson showing up. In a departure from ripping off Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, I Nuovi Barbari steals from Rambo II and has Johnny Rambo appear, only Sylvester Stallone has morphed into Fred Williamson for so reason, go figure. Nadir (Williamson) decapitates his share of helmeted cart riders with his explosive bow and arrow combination. Add into the mix Scorpion's love interest and you have your fab four fighting the white clad Templars of destruction and their menacing go-go golf carts of pandemonium.

Look for wooden acting, flat action, and gratuitous use of metal beer kegs placed inconveniently as obstacles to be rammed by vehicles or have actors fly through. Even at its worst I Nuovi Barbari is a superior work to later American counterparts that involve either lots of water or a guy delivering post apocalyptic parcels made by a certain guy that waltzes with lupines.

As far as post-apocalypse Italian cinema goes, Warriors of the Wasteland is just dull. None of the characters are nearly quirky enough to entertain, they're just bleak, bland characters not nearly archetypal enough to empathize with. The fact that Scorpion's mock muscle car is up against nitro-charged golf carts makes for rather dull chase scenes. By comparison Escape from the Bronx had tightly choreographed action scenes that set your adrenaline pumping. Escape from the Bronx was made two years after this so Enzo may have had time to sharpen up his directorial skills. However 1990: I guerrieri del Bronx (Bronx Warriors 1990) was made the same year as Warriors of the Wasteland and is leaps and bounds better than I Nuovi Barbari. I'd just chalk it up to Enzo having uneven directing skills or possibly just tacking an extra movie on after Bronx Warriors wrapped up filming. As far as Italian apocalypse films go, this is one of the weaker entries.

Zombie Lake (1981)

The Toten Korp from Shock Waves left the rejects behind.

[2/10 · 9 March 2004]

To my knowledge there are technically three underwater Nazi zombie movies. The father of the other two is Shockwaves and really the only one worth viewing. An odd spin off from this film is Oasis of the Zombies and Zombie Lake. Le Lac des morts vivants (Zombie Lake) was a project with Jesus (Jess) Franco's involvement and directed by Jean Rollin. Although I personally am not too fond of Jean Rollin's work and definitely despise the hack work of Jess Franco, a man who has never made a movie that could keep me interested, I honestly couldn't believe Rollin had anything to do with this project. On the outset the movie is horrible, but not nearly horrible enough to keep Jess Franco from remaking the insipid piece of cinematic waste again as La Tumba de los muertos vivientes (Oasis of the Zombies), which had the more interesting moniker of The Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies at one time or another.

Jean Rollin apparently understands one standard of z-grade horror, if the movie you find yourself directing has not one single redeeming feature at all, just pad the movie with ample gratuitous nudity and most viewers will be so distracted they may not notice how horrible the film actually is. Modern directors should take note of this since 99 percent of horror films made after 1986 are boring and virtually unwatchable and won't go lowbrow because the director thinks he has integrity. Hint, if you're directing a lame, boring film that is going directly to video anyway and can't fix it or at least make it interesting you have no cinematic integrity.

Rant aside, Zombie Lake is loaded to the gills with naked woman that just throw caution (and their clothes) to the wind at the sight of this undead infested pond. Naturally the zombies swim around and eliminate all comers in a decidedly stiff and mostly bloodless fashion. The lake scenes are just awful and could well be used by film schools as a glaring example of how to completely destroy anything resembling film continuity. We have naked ladies splashing in knee-deep water. Cut to the zombies completely submerged walking under the girls' thrashing legs. Cut back to knee-deep water then back to them swimming and freely floating in ten feet of water above the zombies. Back and forth we cut between the lake shots and the underwater shots probably filmed in the deep end of Jess Franco's swimming pool. Add to this mixture horrible zombie makeup, dull acting, a plot scripted by a highly evolved plankton, Jess Franco, and you have all the trappings of a complete disaster of a film the has Jean Rollin's name on it. This film runs neck and neck with Oasis of the Zombies for being the worst zombie film ever. Oasis of the Zombies lacks even gratuitous nudity but has other redeeming qualities. Both movies are truly awful and even the cheese factor isn't high enough to warrant humorous jibes at it. Princesse de l'érotisme Christina (Virgin Among the Living Dead) is still worse than Zombie Lake by light years however and it is, you guessed it, another Jess Franco project. Fortunately the underwater Nazi zombie movie genre played itself out after just a few movies and actually should have ended with Shock Waves. Given with the state of Hollywood these days it should only be another year or so before Zombie Lake is remade by some flash in pan director that is completely devoid of any of his own ideas. It will probably be remade with a multi-million dollar budget and will still be awful or even worse than the original. Is that possible? Oh yes, very possible.

The Last House on Dead End Street (1973)

Notorious in its time, reflection changes that notoriety

[7/10 · 9 March 2004]

When The Last House on Dead End Street was released on DVD it certainly spelled the end for this film and its legend. Once upon a time Last House was mentioned off handed, it was a film of urban legend made by an unknown director with an unknown cast. Of course any amount of research, made even easier with the rise of the internet, reveals the truth behind this film. Originally the film seemed even more brutal and bleak for its mysterious origins if nothing else. With the release of the DVD all mysteries are solved and the film becomes grounded as an amateur production with a history of cult status. No longer is the film relegated to video pirates selling dark, grainy, and mostly unwatchable copies now it is released in a slick package with all the answers. With all the reputation dispelled the film can be evaluated on its own merit now for most people. My eyes are still glossed by the esoteric appearance of this film and as such I probably give the film more credit than it may warrant. Original in its time and, as mentioned, dribbling in mystery of production the film has its peaks and valleys. The disturbing scenes I had heard about in this film were actually a little flat. Anyone a little older seeing this film now will probably be too jaded or numb due to overexposure to understand what it was about these scenes that was so awe inspiring or offensive. Some of the scenes are shot with a slick zest that shows Roger Michael Watkins knew what he was doing. At points the movie moderately drags as if trying to find its feet and also meanders a bit, but really the plot is straightforward about a man jaded by society directing snuff films and little else. It's really about how much mileage Watkins gets out of this simple set up. There's no protagonist, no one in the film to empathize with, no heroes, and no justice given to the characters unless you count the tacked on titles at the end of the film. Last House on Dead End Street could be retitled A Week in the Life of a Snuff Director. Despite postproduction dubbing, which you have to ignore because focusing on it will tend to annoy, the film rises above many modern genre films. The fact that there is not a single likeable character in the film will keep this movie forever relegated to its cult status. Still indie filmmakers would be advised to check this film out, as it is a true demonstration of what sort of excellence can be reached on virtually no budget. On the same note, any movie claiming a lack of budget as a crutch for a horrible movie would do well to watch this and realize talent, true talent, can overcome budgetary obstacles. What the film lacks in sound quality and easily consumable plot it makes up for in impressive visuals. Some scenes are indeed creepy and disturbing and it is the handling of the camera angles and scene set up. Given the subject matter of the film, most mainstream cinema viewers will ignore any of the film's strengths and focus on the film's shortcomings completely ignoring this as a cinematic representation of what can be done on a zero budget.

Probably the biggest shame is that it appears Roger Michael Watkins became what the character he played despised, a porn director regurgitating the same cinema blandness over and over. I've never seen one of his porn films so they may be different but it's still porn and can't possibly be to groundbreaking seeing how all plot is just to get two or more individuals into compromising positions. It seems dishonor to himself that he went or was forced down this road. Hopefully we'll see a real project from Watkins in the near future. Last House on Dead End Street is an excellent indie project for those with a taste for alternative grue filled cinema. It's at the very least an exercise in guerilla filmmaking that current directors would be advised to see. All the money in the world cannot cover hack work. On the same note, money is only an obstacle to be overcome for a director with talent.

Wheels of Fire (1985)

The story of Max Rockatansky's brain damaged cousin

[3/10 · 17 February 2004]

Max had the V-8, Trace (Wheels of Fires last and only hero) has a jet engine on the back of his car allowing him to make unintentionally humorous faces as he rockets around the halfway desolate wasteland. Be amazed as Mad Max 2 (aka The Road Warrior) is dissected and spliced back together as a new movie albeit filmed in a lackluster manner with bad actors and lousy stunt work.

Why is WoF set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? Simple, The Road Warrior was! Actually any questions can be answered by: it was that way in the Road Warrior! Except for the out of work mutant actors from the original 60's The Time Machine film that make a cameo appearance for sake of giving the audience some non-vehicular action to chew on for a few minutes.

In typical 80's fashion, all cars driven by bad guys that are bumped or slightly jostled explode in a huge billowing explosion. Inevitably all car chases will happen near convenient cliff sides and cars will unavoidably fall off of them. Along with this 80's cinematic wild ride is the general rampant misogyny in this style of cheapie film. Generally I waited for Trace's rocket powered car to accelerate and shoot flames so there would be another shot of him scrunching up his face like he is supposed to be tough, which comes off more as him looking constipated. Badly choreographed action coupled with bad acting makes this film a true sinker. The unintentional humor value even manages to wear thin.

Rats: Nights of Terror by Bruno Mattei is superior. And that in and of itself is saying a lot! By this count 2020 Texas Gladiators is a cinematic masterpiece compared to Wheels of Fire. A poor Road Warrior knock off that doesn't have near enough cheese factor to make the film watchable.

The Battle of El Alamein (1969)

An Italian war film with heart

[9/10 · 17 February 2004]

Usually Italian films of the 60's, 70's, and 80's are considered sub par products primarily made for export to foreign markets. In many cases the WWII film followed the same formula. Take the plot of The Dirty Dozen, recycle it, add a trampoline and you have an entirely new and exportable film! (Yes, this is a dig at Cinque per l'inferno aka Five for Hell)

La Battaglia di El Alamein struck me as different in that it focuses on the Italian army rather than German or American as usual for Italian war cinema of the time. The movie shows the Italian forces in a patriotic light. Some may balk at this portrayal as the Italian forces are generally characterized historically as inefficient units dogged by low morale. The movie has a generality of historical accuracy, embellished for cinematic reasons. The British are characterized as cold unfeeling soldiers, no worse than American directors portray Axis forces, though. Perhaps Battle of El Alamein portrays the Italian as a little too brave and heroic but this is the same heavy-handed treatment heroes in American films were given up until recently. The film stands out as an Italian production made for Italy's own populace. In this light any shortcomings can be overlooked. Yes, even miniature remote controlled model tanks that rumble across the desert can be overlooked. An Italian production heads and shoulders above many b-grade counterparts of this time period.

Meat Market (2000 Video)

A superior zombie movie at a quarter of the budget

[7/10 · 16 February 2004]

Shot on video, Meat Market is a living dead offering that goes further with a miniscule budget than most studio offerings can even scratch at. Not to say Meat Market doesn't have its weaknesses, mostly budgetary and first time actors, but it's better than many offerings we've seen in the living dead genre since the 90's. The film could have improved with tightening up of the script, the exclusion of the vampires armed with laser weaponry could have been dropped to make the film more in line with survival horror rather than camp. Played as camp Meat Market is an excellent independent film, if it had been tightened into a straight story it could have been even better. As an independent horror film it excels over other studio jobs namely Resident Evil, House of the Dead, and The Dead Hate the Living! (the latter being slightly indie but weaker than water) and is crafted by director with an eye on horror.

Cabin Fever (2002)

Boredom will kill you faster than the flesh-eating virus...

[1/10 · 16 February 2004]

Cabin Fever covers the predictable misadventures of five thoroughly unlikeable twenty-somethings as they combat an esoteric virus that consumes flesh at a variable rate depending on... something. Usually movies like this have archetype prankster and archetype jerk. Watch as Cabin Fever combines them to make Bert the jerky prankster! From the start of the film you will wonder what this character is doing there. He has no redeeming qualities and seems the perfect mood killer for a couples get away. No amount of suspension of belief will allow you to justify the rock bottom stupid choices these characters make. The film just drags on and on with its lackluster cinematography and plot twists (if you can call them twists). Generally predictable except for the leaping conclusions of illogical action these dunderheads periodically make. Guaranteed to give the audience several groaning moments in a bad way.

***possible spoilers****



Where does the virus come from? We're never told or at least I didn't pick up on it.

Notice the virus doesn't *actually* kill anyone? Everyone is killed by someone else. Perhaps this is supposed to be the black humor I heard about?

Pancakes?!!? What was up with that? Perhaps it was explained in the DVD extras. I was too numb at the end to do anything but hit OPEN on my player and get that disc back to the rental hut quick. It was a very annoying scene regardless.

Burning this movie would be an insult to fire.

0/10

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Haven't I seen this before?

[1/10 · 12 February 2004]

Unnecessary rehash of mid to late 70's horror films with a dash of MTV flashy 'cutting edge' (sarcasm) cinematography. Tired premise that was baked, done, eaten, with the leftovers dried out as jerky. This film was supposedly held up due to excessive violence, grue, etc. I came away with the realization that the movie was just an overamped remake of every family slasher movie that had already come down the pike. General mismanagement of 'shock scenes' left me yawning. Perhaps I've seen too much of genre that this 'breath of fresh air to the horror film' just fell flat on its face.

I'd sooner watch the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Mother's Day, or The Hills Have Eyes.

Slashers (2001 Video)

Cheap, yet wildly entertaining

[8/10 · 11 February 2004]

In as much as reality television makes me violently ill this little cheapie came along and pretty much collected all my feelings in one tight little ball of cinema excellence. Of course, the film is covered in trappings of morality about Reality TV going to far, I was able to push the heavy handed morality aside and just enjoy a film that takes the dazzle out of real TV shows in satires. The acting is standard B-fare nothing outstanding except for Christopher Piggins as Doctor Ripper. Piggins just seemed more fluid and natural without hamming it up in the role of a TV-made psycho killer. Sets are, well, a paintball arena and this is sometimes distracting as I was waiting to see a masked guy with a paintball gun accidentally walk into shot. A small drawback that can be overlooked none the less. Only thing that could have made this film better was possibly shooting it as an American release using the original Japansese cast possibly subtitling it. It would have gone leaps and bounds in making the film more immersive and believable, but that just my opinion. Regardless it gets an 8/10.

Six-String Samurai (1998)

Post apocalyptic kung-fu rock-n-roll showdown!

[10/10 · 11 February 2004]

A personal favorite, Six String Samurai is an independent film melding and twisting so many genres that I'm convinced this film is truly one of a kind. We'll never see its like again and that, quite frankly, is a shame. Jeffrey Falcon comes across as the epitome of cool as the katana wielding wannabe king of rock n' roll. His quest to Vegas brings him in contrast with a variety of oddballs left confused in the atomic dust of the apocalyptic United States. From the Pin Pals and the cannibalistic Leave It To Beaver family to the remnants of the Soviet Army; Buddy meets all types.

Six String Samurai should appease anyone with an interest in Road Warrior styled apocalypse films. At most times the film tongue in cheek and filled with humor. Still the action scenes show Jeffrey Falcon knows his way around martial arts and how to swing a katana. Take the tour across the rock n' roll wasteland and give SSS a view.

Creature (1985)

My introduction to Klaus Kinski

[8/10 · 11 February 2004]

This is the first movie I ever saw featuring Klaus Kinski as such it holds memorable moments as I was completely unprepared for the sleazy depths this actor would portray throughout his career. From his introduction with Ms. Byrce "I see you like guns," *grope grope* "what else do you like?" to his pinching of her hindquarters. I knew I was dealing with an actor of rare qualities... Eventually I saw other films with K2 but this was the first one and you never forget your first time. Klaus easily comes out as top dog actor among the weaker B-grade actors in this sci-fi romp. It's a similar spin off from Ridley Scott's Alien (which had several lifts from Mario Bava's Planet of the Vampires) in that Creature deals with essential space truckers coming up against the unknown in the form of a less than friendly extra-terrestrial.

While the story and plot are nothing ground breaking the film does hold its own and manages to keep itself together where many sci-fi films meander or fall apart. Creature has decent special effects, ample gore, and some medium of suspense. It has the usual failings you see in a B-grade movie but for the most part is an enjoyable experience. Extra rating for introducing me to good 'ol dear departed Double K.

House of the Dead (2003)

Jürgen Prochnow your career is calling...

[1/10 · 5 February 2004]

As much as I enjoy living dead movies, this one left me wanting. Tired camera angles that have been overdone so many times. Just when you see the Matrix bullet-time special effect used just about everywhere it pops up again and again and yet again to the point you start to wonder if it's just filler to stretch the movie's run time out. Not unlike the method employed by Bruno Mattei in Hell of the Living Dead with stock footage of native tribes and wildlife. As much of a hack work Hell of the Living Dead is, it's a masterpiece compared to House of the Dead. Tired cinematography reused under the guise of a fresh hip living dead movie. The only surprise the movie held was the appearance of Jurgen Prochnow, a favorite of mine from Dune and Das Boot. He seems to walk through the role which is an extended Das Boot joke anyway and has smackings of 'did it for the money' all over him. House of the Dead is no masterpiece and has several shortcomings but is not the worst zombie movie I've ever seen. It just failed to add anything to the genre of note.

The Dead Hate the Living! (2000 Video)

A cleansing of the eyes with lye might be preferable.

[1/10 · 5 February 2004]

The Dead Hate the Living is a zombie movie. One would think the formula for zombie movies would be rather simple. Walking dead, scared individuals, head shots ensue as the dead lumber after the scared protagonists. Instead we get a meandering film that is likely to bore an individual to death. The plot is straightforward enough dumb, young, filmakers in abandoned hospital open one of the Gates to Hell mentioned in Fulci's The Beyond aka Seven Doors of Death. A couple of zombies come out of said gate and mediocre mayhem begins. A lame film that stumbles around not unlike a walking corpse and never really finds its feet.

Burst City (1982)

A hyperkinetic punk film of intensity

[10/10 · 5 February 2004]

A shame few will get the chance to see this movie. It was suggested to me as a Japanese Death Race 2000. Oh, but it is so much more. A dystopian future against a backdrop of angry Japanese punk rock. Burst City is a raw look at an overamped society with its frantic, hyper camera work and loud brash music. As a fictional peek into punk rock, Burst City is still leaps and bounds above any other attempts. Well worth the look. Be prepared to search, however, and I don't believe there is a subtitled or dubbed version in existence. This is a shame as the film deserves greater exposure.

Five for Hell (1969)

Germany's secret plan foiled by a trampoline!!!

[4/10 · 5 February 2004]

While Germany worked furiously on secret weapons like the V-2 rocket and jet engines, America matched them with the invention of a portable trampoline and lead filled baseball. See machine gun nests knocked out by a gymnast that flies higher than the Luftwaffe! Exclaim as a GI takes out Nazis with sniper-like precision with a baseball! Gasp as Klaus Kinski acts like he always does in most any film... sleazy! This Italian made Dirty Dozen clone has its up and downs. For the most part it flows through as any low budget Italian WWII film. Expect inadvertent humor at times that are supposed to be serious and many flubs. Note that the movie is based around a collapsible trampoline and weighted baseball and the commandos that use them. Dancing commandos at that! Watch for the Fred Astaire like moves of the trampoline wielding commando that dances to the movies theme on the radio. Note that few woman can escape the fate that awaits theme in a scene with Klaus Kinski in any film. Almost as an apology to the general awfulness of this film the climax is actually well filmed and runs well as good WWII actions scenes. One of the more amusing Italian b-grade war films.