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Reviews
YellowBrickRoad (2010)
Anyone rating above a 2 was high, paid, or pretentious
Woof. This is a rough one.
Online you see people throw around the insult "It feels like it was written by a high schooler, so much that it feels like it's lost some of its bite.
This wasn't made by high schoolers, no. It was made by the angsty, barely-passing-art-classes kids that think being random is a personality.
The writing is awful. No one makes any sense. And I was trying to give it the benefit of the doubt, but when it literally smash cuts from scene to scene with blackscreen fade outs to characters doing unrelated things in the middle of dialogue/conflict, it robs some clarity.
The characters were hopelessly unlikeable, and motivations were muddy.
You can tell the whole thing was filmed in a week in the same 1.5 acres of someone's big back yard.
From there the horror is so spaced out and so... Bland as to make no difference. I felt glad as most characters began to check out. Just the whole premise is thin enough to poke holes in if you look for any period longer than a passing gaze.
Unacceptable waste of time and money. This is definitely no career launcher. In fact, if it DIDN'T end any nascent career paths outright, I would be surprised.
Living for the Dead (2023)
Usually watch Ghost shows to make fun, but...
Before I get to the show specifics, take a look at the negative reviews. Notice how they all say the same 3 or 4 things? "Why ere they scared?" or "How could Kristen Stewart want to be I evolved?" or "Cringe/worthy" or "They're trying too hard." And that's because it's the same person/or bot review bombing.
Anyway...
Well, I usually watch Ghost hunter shows Cuz they're ridiculous and not all that realistic. They're entertainment in that I get to pick apart their "correlation equals causation" thinking.
I can still do that here, with this show, but the entire show itself isn't about proving something one way or another.
A lot of it is genuinely heartfelt, and just people trying to help in their own specific ways. Ghosts or not, everyone is just trying to heal.
This is a fun show, and I didn't know I needed it or wanted it. But I do want it.
Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor (2023)
A return to form
The first Hell House movie? Spooky. Genuinely not bad for a found footage film (which I usually don't have any fondness for), but it was self aware. It did all the basic horror tropes, but did them well.
The second movie was... Ok. Lots of lore though, so that was neat to get into. Not scary though.
The third was a snooze. It took all the scare out and just gave you a big ol exposition dump. Basically the worst of the lot.
Now we have "Origins" and, being a fan of the original, I thought, "Hey, give it 20 minutes, right?"
At the 10 minute mark I was... Skeptical. But it paid off.
All those basic horror tropes are back, and done well again, but also pushed forward.
(Minor spoiler ahead)
The bit with the hand from around the corner? Seems like it's been done a million times. But it persisted, lingered. And then it did the usual slinking away. Unsettling, but nothing new. Eclxcept that it gets dialed past 11 in the seconds that follow.
I watch a LOT of horror movies. And most of the time they don't faze me. Guts and gore are basically a snore, and I see the jump scares coming ages away. Only here, I genuinely felt creeped out and scared - and I was watching at 10am on a sunny day.
There's a few things that detract from it - mostly the setting, ironically enough. It's a pristine B&B - the main entry has an "exit" sign, all the internal doors to rooms have deadbolts. Clearly it's set up for people to stay there, but "no kne is allowed to visit" - it felt incongruous is all. It's little stuff that breaks the suspension of disbelief, but only in a minor way.
Eventually, the setting come into its own, and there's lore, and links, and scares. Seriously scared me a half dozen times (the bit in the woods in the middle of a sunny day was set up well, so you knew there would be a scare, and yet it was scary all the same) and also kept an air of suspense the majority of the time.
Cognetti finally came back to work.
Death Stranding (2019)
Fetch Quest: The Game!
I played this game for hours and hours. And it turns out, that I had barely scratched the surface of the first chapter.
By that point I was already bored of stumbling around. Because thays the MAIN mechanic of this game - avoid stumbling, avoid falling over.
Why would you avoid falling over? Because the dozens of packages in a world of hyper-advanced technology can't be scuffed or dinged, apparently.
I'm 100% serious. In a world where they engineer literal babies to be "bad-guy-sensors" they can't design packaging that takes a very small fall.
Frankly, I've had packages, quite literally, be drop kicked by modern couriers, and the stuff inside was fine. (I've also had times where the item inside was busted, but that's far less often than arriving whole.)
And again, I'm serious. All you do is go an find things that are requested. There is no plot, but there is plenty of lore. But the thing about lore is that often times, it's apocryphal (presented as true and legendary, but probably not real/true at all), and it doesn't give your character any motivation.
No, I get it. Everyone loves Metal Gear Solid.
This isn't that game.
It's not even a game. It's a literal job.
And a sucky one at that.
The Callisto Protocol (2022)
I waited and got it for free. Uh-oh...
Before you go on, I came back to edit my review and rating. I originally rated 2 stars. After beating the game, I'm changing the rating to 1 star. Because you have to pay for a f---ing DLC to get the end of the game. NO THANKS.
I cannot tell you how many times I played Dead Space and all it's sequels. I heard the same folks were making this game. I was excited! But I was broke, so I decided to wait. And then, lo and behold, it's free as monthly PSN game in Oct, 2023. Less than a year after it came out. Ruh-roh...
BUT this game is not Dead Space.
And there's your blurb, folks. This game is not Dead Space because it's bad, and Dead Space was good.
But seriously. If you haven't seen the negative reviews, check em out, they're pretty accurate.
I'm no slouch at "twitch" games - fast response type things like any Soulsborne-like game - and yet I find myself just scratching my head in combat. When there is any.
The dodge system is so weird - it's stick-based on console - so you have to hold your stick left/right and you dodge. Yay! You did it! Only that stick is also what you use to aim/look with so your camera is always at a weird angle, and woops, now the character is in a corner, dying, and you're sitting at home, literally, twiddling your stick.
The weapon change mechanic is bad. Assigned to a weird button that makes you scroll to the weapon you want. Doesn't sound bad, right? They also make you confirm your selection and then force you through an animation of switching modules. Cuz all your weapons fire off the same base. For... Reasons. (It's kinda Dead Space-y tech, but worse.)
Healing is a chore. Others have said it - you can NOT heal during a fight. The animation for it is about 15 or 20 seconds long. For... Reasons.
Then there's the actual gameplay - I have spent more time crawling through ducts, and shimmying through cracks than I have anything else. Except for cut scenes. Dead Space started to suffer from this as well, but they didn't go this hard.
And that gets me to the main crux of my complaint about this game: It. Is. Slow.
Everything takes forever. Crouching has an over-elaborate animation; walking is mind numbing, and running is mind numbing but faster (kinda), and takes a full 1.5 seconds to wind up to that tortoise pace. If the game weren't made up mostly of crawling and shimmying, it wouldn't be so bad, but that's the bulk of the exploration.
And frankly, I blame Josh Duhmel for this part, but oh my f---ing god, the dude makes all of 2 grunting noises for literally every effort the character makes.
Picture it, the pilot is crawling through a vent (which takes you 2 minutes to do) and you have a grown man in your headphones going "Huhhh, hnng. Huhhh, hnng. Huhhh, hnng. Huhh, hnng." Get the idea? The character is hit you get either a "Huhhh," or a "Hngg" - and I dk t mean they're similar. This is them cheaping out on their "big name" talent. No one wanted Duhmel in this. No one. No one asked for him.
I want, SO badly to like this game. But there's even more bad to it that I didn't even get into (hello death animations leading to a loading screen for the loading screen - seriously, I would die, and the screen would be black with a red tinge for a solid minute before the loading screen comes.
So, the fact that is free less than a year after it came out? That should have been a red flag.
And then there's the "plot...."
Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age - Definitive Edition (2019)
Maybe you have to play all 10 other games
Honestly, Dragon Quest games have been on my radar for decades. But I never got into them. And if this is the latest, most refined version they've released, maybe I did myself a favour.
I get that people like the character designs, and they're fine. But they're clunky in 3D, and really don't work for the surprisingly adult/dark themes.
But for me, it was the mechanics of this game. This was released in 2019 and you have to rely on save spots?
Save points. In the year 2019 (now 2023). Did you save your progress? Sure, but the last save point was over an hour ago, and traveling back to it doesn't make sense.
How about battles? Turn based - which is fine and fun, but even set to "ultra fast" speed, you still have to click through every. Single. Line. Of dialogue. End of the battle? Click to acknowledge your exp. Click to acknowledge your coins. Click to acknowledge your item drops. Really? Really?! It will just sit there if you don't press the button.
And that applies for cut scenes, too. At least as a default - you can set it to automatically proceed, but it does so with such a huge delay, 2 seconds between a line of dialogue concluding, and the start of the next line, that you might as well push the button yourself.
Ok, but what about in the field? Well, you have to hold down the right trigger to run. Or, you can use "autorun" which is more infuriating than it sounds. It's not a sprint toggle, no, it's this weird mechanic where your character just runs whereever you pointed him. Sure, you can adjust the trajectory, but it's like trying to turn a boat rudder in jello, or it suddenly snaps into a new direction, and keeps turning. Why? Why are you like this?
Other dumb things that don't make sense are items. Do you want to use an item in battle that you picked up earlier? Well, you better have put into that specific character's hands before the battle started!
Related to items, when you're buying them, you can only buy 9 at a time. 9 (nine). And no more. You may have the money and space, but the interface won't let you buy more than that. I tried moving the cursor over - some old games made you specify the tens place separate from the ones place, but... Nope. Want 20 of something? You're gonna have to make 3 specific purchases.
Ok, and the big problem? The plot.
You're a hero of light!
That's it. That's all of it. Nothing more than "you're destined to be a hero." So you go out heroing.
That's... Fine(?). For a 10 or 12 year old. It's fine for a 10 or 12 year old, from 1990, but... No, nothing.
Also, the game gives dozens, hundreds of characters voice lines.
But not our "hero." He's perpetually silent.
Maybe that still works for some folks. Maybe they like projecting themselves onto this blank canvas, but, again, it's 2019/2023. It's been done, and it's boring. Legend of Zelda barely manages it anymore, but at least they give Link some good facial expression. Not a huge fan of LotZ games, either, for what it's worth.
So, I don't know. If these things are all just staples of the series and other folks love it, that's fine, and that's good. I just don't get it, it's not for me. It feels too clunky, too old, and not at all polished.
Alien (1979)
1 star for the cat
Basically, tho g's happen in this movie for no reason.
Have a crew on a spaceship? Sure. Oh, btw, here's a Cat for some reason.
Having a perfectly smooth descent to a planet? Sure? Oh, but the ship all but explodes the instant they touch down. No explanation given.
Oh, ok, so "the company" wants to capture an alien, ok. But we're going to reveal this in a message "for the science officer only." Except he's not there to give clearence- oh wait, he's suddenly there in the computer room when he's supposed to be locked out.
And about that mission to capote an alien? "The company" obviously knows it's there. Why send a mining ship out, and have it check out the planet on its way BACK home? Why not just send a ship full of robots (oh, yeah there's hyper-human-like robots, too) to recover it?
It's like if earth suddenly was hit by a meteorite, except, no meteor came through the atmosphere. There was no crash, but there IS an impact.
Is it atmospheric? Yes.
Is it a classic? Yes.
Is it a movie that paved the way for grwat things? Yes.
Is it good? Maybe...?
Is it enjoyable? No. Unequivocally, no.
The cat was cute, and I'm glad he made it out. Ripley too, but it's hard to get excited by that.
The whole thing is a plot hole, the acting is... Bad. Even Weaver doing her best can't save this. The writing (dialogue) is... Asinine the writing (plot) is abysmal. The sets would be amazing to look at if the DP wasn't performing their own colonoscopy instead of filming.
I could keep on going, I really could. I *want* to keep ripping on this. It's been touted as such a great film by so many people and it was such a huge disappointment it has made me angry, actually. I feel robbed.
But,again,the cat was cute. So... *shrug*
The Rangers: Bloodstone (2021)
Some life advice...
Some life advice... To David Nordquist.
Do not, under any circumstances, quit your day job.
Frankly I hope everyone in this... Adventure... Got paid really well for their time. And yet, on the flip side I can't people got paid to make this. (Pay your workers and your writers, people - this is more of a question of who would spend their money to have this made, ok.)
So yeah, the acting is bad. But it's not bad SOLELY for its lack of quality, its wooden application, but it is triple-time bad because it WANTS to be good, and then thinks that it IS good because it wants so badly to be... Good.
It fails on all of this.
Every snippet of dialogue, of which I can't call it dialogue, because 90% of the spoken words in this is, at best, an exposition bomb, or at worst a dreamy soliloquy. If the dream were the kind where you're in class in just your underwear, except the underwear is also made of shrimp tails. That kind of dreamy.
Anyway, all the... Spoken words here are also set up in a way that rides a line between "the audience has no idea who these specific characters are," and "the audience also won't know what an orc is. Impossibly it straddles a third way of also assuming the viewer has every understanding of what's going on, and so this is just an episode recap. Except the only episode that's relevant is the one you forced upon you as you watch a full grown adult speaks to a child about other full grown adults while relaying the others' FULL name AND rank in their organisation. "Yes sweety pumpkin, I know you're barely able to talk, but let me tell you ALLLL about LIEUTENANT Bad-rip-off Snooker. Except I won't, because all I'm going to do is drop his name and title, and toodle-loo!"
At one point our angst-ridden... Protagonist (I hesitate to call him a "hero") picks a fruit off the ground, throws it into the air, doesn't totally awkwardly remove a bow from his back, draw, aim, shoot... And presumably then pins the fruit to a tree. It's here that he takes a knife and starts tapping at the tree his arrow is stuck in.
Why is he tapping a tree with a knife? To recover his arrow? You just pull those out.
To reacquire the fruit? Did he want to eat it but get too caught in the moment and now regrets skewering the food he ALREADY had in hand?
The truth will never be known because for the next, I kid you not, 7 and a half MINUTES he is intermittently shown tapping the bark, while badly relaying that he has a kid who's been taken (spoiler, whoops) but at the end of the bad montage he whacks the arrow (out of the tree) in a fit of frustration.
And that is the height of the writing and acting.
Chicago P.D. (2014)
BS Copaganda
Holy crap... Every time I see this show at my folks' place it's nothing but cops doing crap that is illegal. But they present it as "the ends justify the means," and "because it's a cop doing it it's ok!"
Just watched a scene where the lead browbeats a witness/informant for information, that he ALREADY HAS. Literally, his subordinates had gone through a victim's data and found the suspect they needed to go after.
But no, lead guy has to go into the interrogation room, scream at a woman, threaten to charger her with "obstruction", and to what end? He had the info on the suspect and where they lived, what they drove, everything. The woman he's intimidating knew none of this info.
And yet, I point this out to my folks and they swear up and down that it's justified and fair.
Yeah. These were the same people that used to tell me not to believe everything I read on the internet 25 years ago...
The Ark (2023)
Set up for failure
Hooo boy... So, the characters are all arch-stereotypes: the mean kid who only sees doom and wants to be in charge, the strong leader that doesn't believe in themselves, the hyper intelligent criminal kid, the stowaway with only their own interest at heart. Or, and this is my "favourite" one - the super genius 18 year old (with 4 PhDs apparently!) that can easily help save them with their skills and knowledge! But they were assigned to scut work in waste management. Who made that decision for staffing? Really. But the topes they lean on, they really, I mean REALLY lean into these tropes.
And then there's the plot: it's... Been done, as many others have pointed out. A colony ship wakes up one of its crew because of *insert random MYSTERIOUS disaster* - we've seen it. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that after this mysterious accident, none of their emergency life saving measures are prepared. Oh, the ship doesn't have oxygen? Better out on a suit and helmet, right? Oh, except the helmets have the oxygen supply and have to filled Manually. But the SINGLE person that's responsible for doing this hasn't gotten to them all yet. And in the meantime, emergency protocols start locking down sections of the ship and the MEDICAL station gets locked down WITHOUT suits/helmets. Who designed this ship with no redundancy, no back ups? I mean the system has no redundancy, and the crew doesn't either - even though you're sending folks into an unknown, absolutely dangerous environment.
This show is telling you what it is. It is stupid. It is not about the sci-fi. It IS about the drama and solving the mystery - which would be fine... If the mystery or drama was any good.
White Noise (2022)
Up its own a$$
This is a movie for dumb people who think they are smart. Every line of dialogue is written like an absurdist play, which could be funny, but in trying to pull off verbal DaDaism, they instead give us verbal diarrhoea. Every character is saying their lines as if they're the most profound philosopher ever born, but instead it's delivered in flat tones, probably to give the impression that they're thoughtful. But they're as deep as a puddle.
For a movie that's *over* 2 hours, the fact that I was annoyed and pissed at the writing within 30 minutes is not a good thing. No one talks like this - not even when playing up on a theme.
There's a lot of talent signed up for this movie and it's wasted.
Inside Man (2022)
I wanted to like it
At only 4 episodes long you'd think you could finish the series at a sprint, but after only 2 episodes it felt like a double-length marathon.
And why did it feel that way? It was taking me forever to get through the 2 episodes I watched... Because I kept having to pause it to swear at the characters, the writing, and the plot holes.
I hated virtually all the characters. The actual victim played by Dolly Wells? Nope. So self-convinced that she knows the whole truth from a 30 second interaction. I didn't even feel any sympathy or empathy for her, that's how badly written she is. David Tenant's vicar? Psychotic, overreacting moron. All he had to do was step back, but he assumed he knew better, too. Stanley Tucci's "detective" did okay, but for being an imprisoned Sherlock, the character comes off as bland. The most likable and enjoyable character was Tucci's counterpart in jail, Dillon, the serial killer cannibal.
The plot is an exaggeration, I get that. But it takes things out to extremes that are ridiculous and kills my willing suspension of disbelief. The entire event and chaos that leads to the conflict in this was so contrived and artificial that I wanted to scream at everyone involved. (**Spoilers:** It's 2022 - who uses flash drives anymore?! Even for THAT purpose in THAT situation, using a flash drive is stupid. And WHY give it to ANY one at all? Ugh, so frustrating.)
If they'd made a show about a Deathrow Detective it would have been sort of neat.
Run Sweetheart Run (2020)
I Spit on Your Grave adjacent
This film knows what it's doing. It is self conscious, and revels in it. To the point of being over the top except... Without the supernatural element (which is left unexplained, to *great* effect) it is an unflinching look at power dynamics.
Once it takes off I could not stop cheering for Cherie. She's the best of us all, as she should be. And in the meantime, everyone seems to be against her, so the mounting odds are completely believable.
I watch a lot of horror films, and this one is surprising and had me rooting for the main character in so, so many ways.
If anyone doesn't get the "twist" it's because they weren't paying attention.
Lantern's Lane (2021)
Watched it so you don't have to
You go into a horror movie expecting some bad logic, some bad decision making, some bad situations. But you suspend your disbelief because you want to be told a story.
You don't get a story here. Less than 5 minutes in you get the "driving force" revealed and if you miss it and don't see the "plot twist" coming you've never seen... Movies.
Anyway. The actors are mediocre at their height, and good lord the writing at ITS height is lackluster. One example of high tension, high drama (spoiler free) dialogue is, "C'mon! You said you'd be fun tonight..." as one friend peer pressures another into doing what they want with a whine. It does not go uphill from there.
(Spoilers ahead in general) Characters that you meet for 30 seconds and are made to seem important will die virtually entirely off screen for plot "progression" - which I use loosely because they only provide a plot vehicle. Literally. They provide a vehicle. Which someone gets into, but we don't actually see them use... It's intended to be their means of escape, but the final scene has our victors limping away despite having secured and not destroyed the vehicle.
And it's just stupid stuff like that on top of bad dialogue, bad characters, bad motivations, and just.... I believe people need to be paid for the work they do, but people need to pick better projects to work on. Because frankly... I can't believe people got paid to make THIS movie. Sheesh.
We Summon the Darkness (2019)
Alexandra Daddario? In a horror movie?
And it's actually a bit of a pass.
Weirdly anachronistic, with weird choices made. At one point a character decides thst their weapon of choice is a pull start outboard boat motor (which magically never needs pulling to start...
Overall just weird. If you don't have the major plot "twist" figured out in the first 10 minutes, I'd be surprised.
The Guardians of Justice (2022)
Bad on purpose? You succeeded...
Nothing about this is good.
No, it's not meant to be serious, but it's also not funny. Between the writing which is awful, and the terrible delivery, it's just not funny.
It's not even "it's so bad it became good" kind of bad. It's just "we tried so hard to be serious and good, but we don't know what we're doing," kind of bad.
Deadcon (2019)
Lacking
Honestly, the execution is almost good. Which is damning with faint praise, and rightfully so.
There's a few genuinely spooky moments, a few decent jump scares (I know everyone likes to crap on jump scares, but if done well can be awesome), but it is LACKING.
The acting is... OK. The premise is... OK.... The scares are half decent. Really!
But the whole problem is that despite so much social exposition, the motive behind the horror is never explained. And I don't mean, a play by play break down type of explanation, but the very lack of even a basic motive. Nothing is given or shown, or really hinted at.
Bobby wants friends? In real life? How is that done? It's in exchange for "friends" to some guy's program/software? A software that never gets off the ground? And then the evil is contained to one room in the hotel? And then Bobby keeps killing? Or is it the software dev? And then there's Ashley. She's possessed to do the killing? Or not?
Do you see how almost every sentence in that paragraph is a question? The movie does nothing to explain itself.
C.O.R.N. (2021)
Noped out less than 15 minutes in
I usually look down on reviewers that day they didn't even finish the movie, but... Well, I get it now.
Seriously god awful acting, and that's due in large part to super bad writing. Robin Christian should be ashamed of themselves.
The Resort (2021)
Half-made film, extremely backend loaded
If they'd made a short film of about 30-45 minutes, this would have been decent.
The first 60-70 minutes of it are just earthp*rn of how beautiful the island is - some decent shots here (and some reasonably good gore FX) are the only reason it's getting 1 star.
The actors were... OK. The characters were... Flat. The sound design/recording was awful - it sounded like it was recorded from cell phone video playback OF A cell phone video for most of the length of the film.
There's about 15 minutes of some genuinely creepy stuff, mostly jump scare fodder. And then an ending that just... Happens. It doesn't really hold up, visually - it's some bad CGI lighting and the make up effects compared to the decent gore we saw earlier... Makes it fall flat and feel like they ran out of time, money, and energy.
Dreamcatcher (2021)
I watched it so you don't have to AKA An attempt was made
The characters are unlikeable, even after you're supposed to feel sorry for them. And not just a kind of unlikeable, they're poorly written and flat characters. They all make dumb decisions, or do really stupid things that only happen when you're following a script that is in turn just following tropes (and one of those tropes is that in a post credit scene, they kill a barely related, unnamed, gay character. For... No reason).
Add to that a barely registered supernatural element that pops up, disappears, and the then re-emerges only at the finale while being mixed in with mundane and pedantic monologue-ing, and you have a mess. This element, by the way appears to be Native American, but the primary slasher weapon of choice is a karambit, a knife found in Indonesia. Just... Why mash the two together? (That is by FAR the least of this movies problems, but it just seems especially needless.)
Fill in the gaps with a dash of plot holes, a smidge of loose ends, and a heaping portion of poor explanation and you have "Dreamcatcher."
It might not be the WORST movie ever, but it's not worth it.
Ragnarok (2020)
What the HELL Norway?
I thought your country was supposed to be progressive but maybe your two-bit directors haven't gotten the memo? At the very START of Pride month Netflix recommends to me a series that in the FIRST EPISODE engages in the "burry your gays" trope as well as the "fridge a woman" trope.
Literally first episode of the series, they kill the ONE gay girl off. And they do it off screen! I get it, the villain is supposed to catch her finding something she's not supposed to find. But they do ALL of that off camera. And somehow the villain finds her discovering the secret, KILLS her (off screen) and then sets her up to paraglide to the town (after she's dead), said villain neglects to collect her cell phone she's been taking pics on. That cellphone somehow makes it to her landing site (maybe, she's dead already and can't hold onto the phone) and the the villain, again now his to find her phone.
Add to that, in the SAME first episode they kind of hint that said gay girl might "flip" for the straight male protagonist because.... Well, just because he seems interested in the same things she is or is interested in her as a person. Its revealed out gay gal has a crush on a girl that is apparently the "daughter" of the above mentioned villain. But because strong stupid boy might like her she gives him googly eyes.
And then finally, they reveal she's been killed. Which then motivates the hell out of the (ugly!) straight male protagonist to do... God stuff. And fight for the environment. None of which he really cared about before the girl died.
Seriously, all this happens in the FIRST episode. Ridiculously weak opening, clichéd and overwrought.
Let's Be Real (2020)
Unwatchable garbage
There are no jokes... They're trying to be a parody of people but they just say what the real people would say, but somehow make it dumber than reality. I gave it 2 episodes and didn't laugh once, let alone find any creative value. Don't waste your time.
Intersect (2020)
Absolute garbage
First and foremost, the whole thing is dubbed or done in ADR and you can tell. Add to that the UGLIEST leading man, a nothing plot, terrible acting, and frankly a bizzare attempt at being related to Lovecraft and you have a perfect INTERSECTION of crap. Any 10 star review was made by a bot or someone related to the film.
But seriously, who does an entire film in ADR?
Don't Speak (2020)
Don't Speak? More like don't watch
Right from the jump I was off put by just about everything. It's a lot of little things, and few huge things.
The big things? Bad acting. Apparently if you're scared you breathe like a reject cultist from Midsommar. When you're not scared you speak in stilted, unpracticed lines of clunkily written dialogue.
Then there's the special effects. The monster suit has a decent look to it, but it's poorly/cheaply made. Most of their budget went here and it appears to have been a fairly small budget. Floppy rubber fingers, and a wad of latex for a face.
Next up, the "plot." There isn't one. I won't go into details but there's no explanation for the monster until the info falls into their laps. The informant has no reason to be where he is, or even to be there when he was, then he dies. Of course. It gets worse and worse from there.
The small things? The smallest of all is that in their own trailer, there's a typo. The words "don't blink" flash across, followed by a snippet of the Critter hunting by "radar." Then the words "don't breath." That's right, breath. Not "breathe" as in "to breathe in and out," but "breath." That's such a pointless thing to bring up, but I warned my girlfriend that wanted to watch this movie, that the typo in their own trailer would mean it's bad. Continuing on...
They're apparently in the UK, but everyone seems to be hiding their accents? Maybe? Trying to sound American? I don't know. But it snaps my brain out of watching the movie and focus instead on "what's the point of that?"
The prop work. In an early scene a woman trys to load a handgun from the bottom. Not put a clip/magazine in. Put individual bullets into the bottom of the handgrip of a semi-auto pistol. Later, a character is trying to fix a vehicle. He holds a crescent wrench (spanner) into the engine compartment... And wiggles it back and forth a lot...
It all just speaks to a lack of thought and craft.
From there, it's admittedly a lot of little dumb things, but the biggest problem is it doesn't ever really let the watcher willingly suspend their disbelief.
In short, there's no atmospheric tension. The jump scares are... Not scary. The characters are stiff and badly written, right along with the so called plot.
Don't bother unless you REALLY wanna watcha creature feature