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Napoleon (2023)
5/10
Great battle scenes help to break-up a borefest
29 November 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Joaquin Phoenix is hopelessly miscast. Napoleon was only 51 when he died (6 years after Waterloo).

That was the really astounding thing about the man that he could rise to prominence and build a French empire when so young. Instead we see a lumbering 49 year old Phoenix witnessing Marie Antoinette's beheading (he didn't) whereas Napoleon would have been a youthful 24.

The plot drags on, through key stages in French Napoleonic history, none of it adequately explained and characters appear out of nowhere then disappear equally as quickly.

Vanessa Kirby succeeds more in her role as Josephine, but even when the film tries to build the impression that she is the real power behind Napoleon she then disappears out of the story for about an hour.

The film is punctuated by some dramatic and fabulously filmed battle scenes. This is where Scott's clearly in his element. Cannonballs hit horses and we have a long recreation of Austerlitz with Russian soldiers and horses falling into icy water. It's nicely shot but we kind of get the point quite quickly but have to watch 20 minutes of cannon balls blowing holes in ice and slo-mos of horses and soldiers falling into icy water.

I think what disappointed me most about the film was the re-creation of Waterloo. Apparently Ridley Scott has reacted to criticism of the historical inaccuracies by saying 'you weren't there were you?' to his critics, and no I wasn't at Waterloo.

What I DO know though is that his portrayal of Wellesley (later the Duke of Wellington) is also strange - a pompus doddery old guy played by 64 year old Rupert Everett (the real Wellersley was 45 at the battle) again miscast - and what I find strange is that there are famous portraits of Wellersley from 1815 (couldn't they have been referred to in the casting??) This is not the 'Iron Duke' more the 'doddery Duke' who has no real personality or impression that people would follow him.

All in all it's a strange and contorted telling of Napoleon's story - is it about his romance with Josephine (weird focusing on the kinky s3x element where Napoleon brays like a horse when he desires his love)? Or is it about his rise to power? Or his battles with Russia or Britain. I just don't know. It would have been better(?) if things had 'built' towards Waterloo and we'd seen that as real climax, instead, like everything else in the film it is just a scene stitched together without much logic along with the other scenes to give a chronological re-telling.

I know there's a four hour version soon to be released on Apple + and that probably helps link things together better (you'd hope so), but will I be bothered to watch it now I've seen all of the issues with the 2.5 hour cinema/theatre release. I very much doubt it.
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8/10
An easy and we'll paced watch
19 August 2022
I really enjoyed I nostri fantasmi.

Sure, it's a bit corny in places, but all the roles are well played and there's some good layering of characters with the nosey neighbour variously annoying and yet also protecting the protagonists.

The film was particularly successful in making me feel sympathy for. Riondino who plays the father. Hiding in the loft of a house and watching/scaring the residents is extreme voyeurism (almost stalking to be honest) but the relatively light hearted nature of the plot meant this aspect of his behaviour was never dwelt on.

I enjoyed the film and thought it was well put together.
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8/10
Clever storyline with a lot of twists and turns
9 April 2022
Set in 1941 the film is mostly set in the jewelry shop of Mr Haffman. As such it could almost be a stage play. It is atmospherically filmed (with plenty of suspense) and the audience becomes closely involved with the characters.

The character development is clever with the audience's sympathy moving away away from the protagonist as the story develops. I really enjoyed the plot twists with several really clever reveals that added excellent depth to the story.

Sara Giraudeau is fabulous as Blanche.
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Marley & Me (2008)
6/10
Good daytime TV movie
4 January 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Young couple - wife wants baby, husband buys puppy as a diversionary tactic. Puppy misbehaves through poor training. Couple have kids anyway, husband gets promoted and buys bigger house. Dog dies.

In fairness it's not a terrible film and is an easy watch. There's a good soundtrack and I think Owen Wilson carries the acting with a few witty lines. If I had a criticism it's that the dog takes about half of the film to die. Marley seems to be old for a long time and there's an obvious 'false alarm' when he gets sick and recovers then the film essentially treads water through the last 30 minutes until Marley dies.

Of course it's a tear-jerker at that point, but as the film has been building up for it for soooo long it doesn't exactly come as much of surprise.

I'd been avoiding for the film for (literally) years as I predicted it would be much worse than it was, but actually it's an okay film.
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Ida (2013)
7/10
An interesting jaunt through 60's Poland
2 May 2020
Despite the Oscar, there's still plenty of negative reviews of this film. I certainly thought it was short and perhaps a bit one paced - another 20 minutes or so may have allowed us to explore the characters a little more. That said I've seen it described as a 'compact masterpiece'. Personally I found it an enjoyable watch. The contrast between the Aunt and Ida and the road trip they take, fascinating. Pawlikowski apparently auditioned 400 actresses for the role of Ida and finally opted for Agata Trzebuchowska who had no acting experience - and was chosen after spotting her drinking coffee in a Warsaw cafe. The theme is awkward as it touches on Christian-Jewish relationships in Poland during WWII. Having lived in Poland for a couple of years I appreciate that this is a very sensitive topic. To suggest that some Poles were in some way complicit with the holocaust is foolhardy ground to walk on. Leaving that aside it's a beautifully shot film. Obviously the black and white gives it atmosphere, but you can tell that a lot of thought has been put into framing every shot. The sound track is also fabulous from Mozart to Jazz. Settle back and enjoy an excellent film.
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Moneyball (2011)
6/10
Dull story about a dull sport
27 March 2020
I usually love films with a sorting theme, but this one left me cold. Yes, I get that he chose a team based on stats and therefore went against common wisdom, but that's about the whole movie summed up in a sentence. There's barely any actual on pitch action. What there is requires you to know the intricacies of baseball. Pitt is ok in what is a relatively easy role to play. It's also long, so long - at least 30 minutes of the film should have been left on the cutting room floor. About an hour in I wanted it to be over and was dismayed when I realised we weren't even half way through. Leave this alone unless you're a baseball fan, there are other options.
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9/10
A joyful British Arthurian romp
21 January 2019
I didn't know if it were possible to get kids' films like this anymore. It was great fun from start to finish, it's (possibly) about 15 minutes too long (the middle section drags a tiny bit), but it's so enjoyable and there are excellent quips throughout. My kids went away quoting the jokes from the film, and that must be a good sign.

I read another review that director Joe Cornish was a big fan of Time Bandits Terry Gilliam's 1981 fantasy movie. Both have strong leads, slightly oblique plots, together with wizardry and magic

Time Bandits had Sean Connery, The Kid Who Would Be King has Patrick Stewart who puts in a sterling alternating performance (with Angus Imrie) as Merlin.

Louis Ashbourne Serkis is fabulous as Alex the main protagonist. He's got an acting pedigree (both his parents, Andy Serkis and Lorraine Ashbourne) are excellent actors. His Dad is best known for his portrayal of Gollum...fancy having a Dad who was Gollum?!

Anyway, TKWWBK is terrific. As a teenager I loved Excalibur but it's too long (and dark) for my 10 and 11 year olds. This was a perfect antidote. Arthurian Legend and heraldry but without (too much) bloodthirstiness.

Go and see it, it's the best film (whether aimed at children or adults) I've seen for months and months.
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7/10
Children's Movie with unnecessary violence and sex scenes
30 January 2018
Warning: Spoilers
A classic kids fable - girl meets fish-monster, girl loves fish-monster, bad guy hates fish-monster and chains him up, girl rescues fish-monster, girl and fish-monster live happily ever (after after it turns out fish-monster can survive gun shots but not extended periods out of water), bad guy meets grizzly end. There I just saved you two hours!

Indeed I was thinking as I was watching it that were it not for the sex scenes and graphic violence it would easily be suitable for my 10 year old.

Sure, it's nicely shot and there's some good references to early 60's culture and music but it's a bit unbelievable to imagine that a cleaner would have un restricted access to a top secret area and then when the monster goes missing not at all be suspected for the crime.

Some of the scenes and dialogue is garbled and perhaps I was missing the point of the Cadillac scene and the pie shop. It just seemed like 'filler' to me but maybe I missed the artistic depth or something? And what the hell was the dance scene all about?

Weird that bestiality is condoned to such a degree - did we really need to know how the monster's penis works? Couldn't their love just be 'implied'?

Not a terrible film, just a very odd one which had it not been framed as an 'adult' movie could easily just have been a kids film. Doesn't deserve any of the plaudits that's it's received as it isn't either original or well conceived.
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2/10
Just awful
2 January 2018
Warning: Spoilers
Probably one of the worst films I've seen in a long time. I'd really advise people to stay away - in fact it was so cringingly bad I've actually been telling as many people as I can to not go and see it.

Ok, let's start - it's an attempt to be a Christmas movie, but can't really decide whether it's a 'family' movie or just a gross bad-joke movie.

The interaction and dialogue between Ferrell and Wahlberg is sometimes so bad that it seems to be ad-libbed. Like they didn't finish the script and turned to the actors and said 'say something funny now' we've got a couple of minutes to fill.

I hadn't seen Mel Gibson was in the cast (I won't watch any of his films normally) and his addition as a misogynistic drunk was just absolutely grating. I actually couldn't understand why he'd personally want to take the role to be honest. No doubt $$$ was the hook, but if you're a misogynistic drunk in real life why would you agree to star as a misogynistic drunk on screen?

Some of the scenes are just pointless. Why do they enact the nativity scene immediately having had a major row? there's no sense to it other than to act as a tool to allow Joseph (played by Wahlberg to fight the shepherd).

The film seemed to go on for HOURS (I was surprised that it was only 90 odd minutes long). The ending is weak, in fact the whole premise for the film is weak.

Even the child actors (who are usually a redeeming feature in films like this) were annoying.

Stay away!
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2/10
An absolute bomb
8 May 2016
Warning: Spoilers
I'd been reading the original Jules Verne book to my kids (aged 7 and 8) before deciding to watch this. Despite everyone heralding what a 'classic' the book is it's actually quite dated, complicated and overly descriptive. If you don't believe me try reading it again - it really isn't that great, there's much better modern children's adventure novels.

I decided to watch the film as it offered a new perspective on the book. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon and as me and the kids had struggled to get through the book I thought it would be a good film for the occasion. I knew it didn't follow the plot of the book but didn't really mind as I thought it would be a fun romp. Coogan's work is usually excellent and Jackie Chan can have his funny moments too.

I think for me it all started really going down hill when Arnie appeared as a blackened up Egyptian. Whoever cast that!

After that we had a few obligatory kung fu fights to keep Chan occupied. Ewan Bremner was such a disappointment as Inspector Fix (who has a major role in the book but is just a comedic side-show in the film). Looking at Bremner's filmography he hadn't really worked for a year before ATWIED so perhaps he just needed the cash.

The film dawdled along until the end and then concluded with a bizarre ending where a sea captain allows Fogg to take his boat apart to make a plane. Just completely odd.

Director Frank Coraci's career tailed off after being given the big budget thrown at ATWIED (Coraci himself being given $3m just to direct this disaster) and it's not really a big surprise he's only directed rubbish since.
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Taxi (III) (2015)
8/10
Whimsical yet Angry
8 November 2015
Panahi was banned from making films for 20 years by the Iranian Government in 2010 but who then responded by making idiosyncratic 'films' with no actors and no end credits and then smuggling them out of the country.

In Tehran Taxi, Panahi masquerades as a taxi driver and picks up a range of curious passengers throughout Tehran; from a couple of old ladies nursing a goldfish in a bowl, a mugger, a flower seller and a traffic accident victim.

It's an unusual style, but one made familiar by dash-cams across the world and both the subject matter and style of interlocking stories reminded me of Jim Jarmush's 1991 film 'Night on Earth'.

Panahi isn't a comedian, but his style is lighthearted. The fact he is a film maker rather than a real taxi driver also means that he doesn't know many directions around the city and he further bemuses passengers when he refuses to take payment at the end of the ride. Equally though film paints an interesting picture of the everyday lives of the passengers and the buzz of the city going on on the streets of Tehran outside of the taxi's window.

Tehran Taxi is an excellent film. Sit back and enjoy the ride!
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2/10
So Dull
12 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I couldn't believe how weak this movie was. Economic and global uncertainty seems to have sparked a growth in post-apocalyptic films in recent years and I must admit I was looking forward to this jaunt through a bleak 'new' earth. I read and enjoyed 'The Road' and I figured this film would be in the same vein.

Actually it's an odd biblical yawn-fest set in a left over spaghetti-western set. So predictable and without any heart.

You're left with no feeling for any of the characters. Gary Oldman tries his best as the bad-guy, but I was left with a feeling that the film says much more about America's relationship with religion than any meaningful outcome or story-line.

A major error the film makes (and let's face it is the major crux of the movie) is that braille is actually a pretty large typeface - a bible converted to braille takes up 18 volumes. It would be quite a lot for Denzil to carry around.

Like a braille bible - I'd recommend leaving this one on the shelf.

http://www.braillebibles.org/kjv.htm
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Headwinds (2011)
5/10
Did Audrey Tautou shoot all her scenes in a day?
18 February 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Not a bad film, a bit drawn out and angsty, but with some nice moments and beautiful shots of beaches.

A weird relationship springs up between the main character who, as a driving instructor rapes one of his pupils, but then strangely gets forgiven and that part of the subplot gets swallowed up by other things going on around it.

I think what amazed me the most was that Audrey Tautou is given star billing and appears for about 10 minutes at the start and in a couple of minor scenes interspersed throughout. Not a bad film choice if you're feeling happy and want to be depressed.
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Premium Rush (2012)
3/10
A 30 second youtube clip made into a 90 minute movie
18 February 2013
Warning: Spoilers
We've all seen the youtube clip of 'fixies' riding through New York. For the uninitiated fixies are a fixed-gear bike with no dérailleur (as it has only one gear) and no brakes.

If you haven't seen the clip, search it out - it's far more thrilling and exciting than sitting through 90 minutes of this.

I didn't really get who the film was aimed at? I guess bike enthusiasts but it is a nonsense story about a group of cycle couriers in New York and a bad cop who is so poorly played I really thought he was like a Disney baddie until he beat a guy to death by smashing his skull.

It's so hopelessly contrived a few interesting race scenes are all that stop me giving it 0 or 1. If you want to watch a good cycle movie watch 'The Flying Scotsman' or if you want something in this genre search youtube and save yourself having to sit through the dullest plot imaginable.
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Into the Wild (2007)
5/10
What a slow pointless movie
20 December 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Definitely a Sean Penn directed movie. Moody and with a few nice shots.

The story is poor though. Posh, well educated boy drops out and becomes a self acclaimed 'Supertramp'. He selfishly doesn't let his parents or sister know where he is and then dies a pointless death. I'm not sure what the lesson is in the film. Particularly irking is the short time he spends in a hostel where we see the 'real' homeless people wandering around zombie like. Oh no that's not for our Supertramp he's much better than that! I grew to despise his character the longer the film went on and was actually laughing when he realised he had eaten the poisonous plant, oh dear what a shame, never mind. I was reminded of the words of Jarvis Cocker 'You can call your Dad and stop it all'.

Don't bother watching
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Samson & Delilah (II) (2009)
8/10
Excellent Film - watch it if you get the chance
22 November 2009
A really good film showing the grim realities of Aboriginal life through the 'love-story' of Samson and Delilah.

What really impressed me with the film was the fact that both lead roles were played by amateurs. Both played their characters incredibly and (hopefully) have long and successful acting careers ahead of them.

Sure, there was little dialogue between them (Samson only says one word in the whole film) but to be honest as the film went on I grew to like this. Yes, you could argue that more dialogue would have developed their characters more, but by the end I had become comfortable with it and was glad that the director had taken this approach.

The cinematography is superb and the topic both harrowing and sad.

I scored the film an 8 because the last 10 minutes is basically romantic nonsense. Really the film should have finished at the car accident, but after a film that had so little light and positiveness then I can understand that it needed the solace that the 'romantic' ending gave it.
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Silent Hill (2006)
1/10
Probably one of the worst films I have ever seen
22 May 2006
I was really looking forward to seeing Silent Hill. It had been well promoted and I had heard a radio interview with a couple of the actors.

In actual fact the film was a complete disaster. There was very little plot and what there was jumped around in a meaningless manner. The film opens well (if not a little bit unfeasibly) and you soon get drawn in. Unfortunately, all sense of a plot seems to end after 15 minutes and you are instead thrown into an endless chain of special effects and gory scenes.

Silent Hill took itself so seriously but was actually ridiculous. I found myself laughing out loud at the stupidity of it all by the end. If I had been watching it on TV I would have turned off after about 20 minutes.

Please don't go and see this. I wasted a complete Friday evening on it and I wouldn't want you to do the same!
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5/10
A bit cheesy, but football action is well filmed
7 March 2006
Another football film, that doesn't really capture the essence of the game.

It's clearly been made for the American audience, and as such (with fifa endorsement) contains a lot of big name players, Shearer, Raul, Beckham etc etc. Even Sven makes an appearance chatting up a girl in a club (quite amusing).

That said, No-one would like a flashy player doing as many silly tricks in their team (especially if he were American). All highlights are cut down to a minimum (so as not to lose the US audience). No mention of dull 0-0 draws. There's still not been a good footy film (why?) Closest yet is definitely Jimmy Grimble, or(if you must) Escape to Victory...
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