Eight people - about half the audience - walked out of this; usually I think, big deal, let them leave, some people have no taste. For example, fans of Tom Cruise disappointed by Eyes Wide Shut. Here, I guess you could say these were Hiddleston fans who wanted a bit more of him with his top off... but to be honest, I think they were just bored. I was. I should have walked too. As another reviewer here has written, JG Ballard can't be adapted for the screen. He's about right. That's the main problem - the script is a mess, both pretentious and trite, also very pleased with itself. Performances are uneven, and nothing much happens - for example, there is talk of a lobotomy, but that's about it. It's cobblers. Never has anarchic behaviour seemed to tedious and naff. Well worth avoiding, despite a couple of promising moments - the costume party, for example, and the thug who says 'You won't be needing that' - both of which director Wheatley fails to capitalise on. Oh, and it features an annoying intelligent kid, which is a big no no.
Reviews
12 Reviews
One of the best things Gervais has done
13 April 2012
The pilot was touching, humane, painfully sad, sometimes hilarious... make the series NOW Channel 4... Gervais proves that behind all the bluster and arrogance he is actually a rather sweet, sensitive human being... and Derek is a delight... it is not easy to blend comedy and poignancy - and even if the Einaudi piano was laid on a bit thick at the end, this was magnificent, heartfelt stuff. Great moments include Derek charging naked through the old people's home and the Karl Pilkington character saying, with spot on timing "Normal"; and Hannah's head butt in the pub was the best 'attack on plebs' scene since Richard Gere kung-fu-ed some punks in An Officer and a Gentleman. Thank God for Ricky Gervais, doing it his way. And remember, we're all getting old folks...
The Depraved
(2011)
A pathetic, pitiful, infuriatingly bad piece of junk
28 March 2012
Warning: Spoilers
This film is complete and utter scheiss-water - the horrible jittery camera-work, the blundering script, and the horribly unlikeable characters... it was completely fright-free, and involved the usual crapola of the 'hero' being given countless opportunities to kill off the villain, but, of course, he doesn't, so that by the time the hero is skinned alive you are cheering, because he is such a dumb cluck... the film starts by telling us how many miles of undiscovered tunnels there are beneath Berlin, then proceeds to shoot scenes that look like an Ikea store room. Urban Explorer ADDS nothing the genre - in fact, it detracts from it... the more that films like this get made, the more it negates the horror genre... the director, and the writer, haven't got a clue - not a single clue - and obviously have NO LOVE for horror films - else why would they add this retrogressive, cliché-ridden, predictable, deathly dull, poorly plotted, laughably bad piece of **** to the canon...? And people wonder why everyone downloads films for free, instead of paying for them... when films are this poor, why should anyone pay for them? If downloading kills the film industry, it will be garbage like this that takes the first hit, so more power to the down-loaders, download your socks off and maybe in the future stuff like this won't see the light of day. Memo to the makers: if you wouldn't wipe your arse on your script, then for God's sake don't go ahead and film it.
RocknRolla
(2008)
Ever feel like you've been cheated?
5 September 2008
This movie has the all the makings of a fantastic trailer; sadly, the flick itself is no good. I went to see this in good faith - it looked like a riot. It wasn't. It was dreary as hell. Self-indulgent, pointless, virtually plot less, and at 114 minutes, about 30 minutes too long. It drags. And it's a drag. The problem with Guy Richkid is he has got nothing to lose - and he has no edge. He is making 'street' films from his ivory tower without the first clue as to what is going on - so this comes across like some kind of Long Good Friday for Nuts readers - his jumpy editing style now woefully dated, and the soundtrack showing all the signs of a middle-aged hipster choosing some funky tracks. It's three strikes you're out Rich-kid. He rolls out the hoary old Russian gangsters who won't die routine; worthless US actor cameos; and the limp attempts at profundity (check the Toby Kebbel character's piano-side monologue) go nowhere; the homo-eroticism seems misplaced; as does a cringe-worthy scene with a kid defiantly singing the Clash. It's a bloody mess; an embarrassment. And laughingly, the end credits suggest the characters will return in 'The Real Rocknrolla' (as opposed to what, this, the fake one?). No they bloody won't. Warners US have unceremoniously dumped this movie, and it is no surprise. It is dull and bemusing. Avoid like the proverbial.
A Decade Under the Influence
(2003)
Terrific movie
26 June 2008
What a wonderful documentary - I sat down thinking this would be a rehash of the bitchy stories told in Easy Riders, Raging Bulls, but it is, in fact, a clear-eyed, glorious celebration of a strange and twisted era that spawned some truly great movies. What struck me was the lack of bitterness apparent in the director interviews, given that now the movie business sucks in a large fashion - instead, folk like Friedkin and Coppola's eyes seem to positively glitter recalling their glory days. The footage of an audience coming out of a daytime screening of the Exorcist was priceless. 'It was - traumatic,' one guy says. A great epitaph for the late Ted Demme, a thrilling film, I just wish it was longer - I could have sat through a three hour cut of this.
Diary of the Dead
(2007)
Diahorrea of the dead
3 April 2008
Okay,somebody shoot me for going to see another Romero zombie movie, after the lamentable Land of the Dead, worst in the series up until then; but, call me a completest, and after Cloverfield and Rec, both excellent, I was ready for some more camcorder horror, in the hands of a so-called 'master'. Boy, was I in for a shock. Not the kind of shock you would like from a horror film, because this film was neither creepy, nor scary, but painful to sit through, appallingly acted and plotted, not an original idea in sight, and horror of horrors, had Romero repeating his classic 'rednecks shoot zombies for fun' pay-off from NOTLD, but for the you tube generation (purlease!). In a film so desperate to be hip to the new technology (like, in a zombie apocalypse, you're going to upload footage to myspace and check the number of hits), it is incredibly naff, the signal for things to come coming very early when we see film students in the woods shooting - get this - a mummy movie. I mean, really... the main problem, in a film full of them, is having a cast of very bland and attractive 20-somethings as the lead characters - no-one wants that... these were a deeply unlikeable bunch, and it says a lot for them that the alcoholic bore of a university professor was the most sympathetic character. So please, no more zombie movies, ever, from Romero. He is steadily destroying his legacy with these feeble, failed outings; and I thought no one could do worse than John Russo to vandalise the legend that is NOTLD. The problem with these bad movies cluttering the shelves is that the horror genre starts to become a dumping ground for utter crud - the idea that anyone can do it doesn't seem to apply to other genres. People think anyone can do horror, including, it seems, Romero. Isn't the point of horror to scare and horrify? This film was neither. Making it entirely redundant, but, worse than that: a death knell for horror movies in the 21st century. Avoid, at all costs. (BTW, computer gore does not work)
Kannibal
(2001 Video)
Recollections on an overlooked Klassic
27 May 2007
Good old Richard Driscoll, or 'Dick Risk-all' was we like to call him down the job centre, he did such a sterling job writing, producing AND directing this movie, not to mention starring in as well, the lead role no less! I said to him, I said 'Dick, it's a hell of a stress to write, produce, direct AND act in a film - why not make it easy on yourself and the audience, and get someone else to write, produce, direct and act in it. You have a sit down old chap'. He took this in good humour. I then probed him about all the female nudity in the film, his 'tribute' to Thomas Harris, or, as he puts it 'an opera version of Tosca'. 'Well,' Dick-all told me, 'there was no budget for costumes. Lucien had to supply his own'. Indeed, Lucien, Harrison Ford lookalike, one of the foremost theatre actors of his generation, supplied fedora, scarf and monocle for an extraordinary performance as a harried cop chasing a serial killer - remember, this is a good seven years before Fincher's 'Zodiac', and I'll bet Jake Googlegall didn't supply HIS own costume. That's devotion. And this film doesn't so much have an audience, simply devotees. You can tell a 'Kannibal' fan by the fact they are only let out of the home once a week. What more can be said about Kannibal that hasn't already been scrawled in excrement on the toilet walls of the Bellvue Institute for the Deranged? Kheck it out.
Slither
(2006)
Neither flesh nor foul
29 October 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Movie is an insult to the Jimmy Caan 70s flick of the same name; and to the audience. Gunn makes great play of it being a homage to just about EVERY horror movie (read 'rip-off'), even down to referencing characters and directors - big deal - Brundle's Meat - so what? And thinks he is making something neat and smart and knowing - but the flick just deteriorates into a dull ZOMBIE movie. Like we need another one of those. He wastes Rooker's superlative talents by turning him into a motionless blob; and offs the sorely underused Greg Henry. Leaving us with what? Nathan Fillion and staggering zombies. If Gunn could have spent some time being less pleased with himself, maybe he could have ironed out the glaring plot holes - for example, why do one horde of zombies become 'Grant' - talk like him, think like him; but the gal's entire family DON'T. Stupid. Also, check this - less is more. I found ONE slug in my kitchen the other day. It freaked me out. Gunn's gazillions of the critters didn't one iota. Lame. Limp. Not funny. Not scary. He's put the good cause of horror back twenty years. Oh, and Gunn 'F**k you fat-ass' is not good dialogue, neither is 'this is some f**ked up sh*t'. Stick with Troma and Scooby Doo, it's about your level.
Rag Tale
(2005)
Unwatchable travesty
25 September 2006
This had to be turned off after about 15 minutes. It is easily the worst shot thing ever. If you want a masterclass in generation tension without moving the camera, check out The Collingswood Story. If you want a masterclass in HOW NOT TO MAKE A FILM, watch this sh*t. Rupert Graves is pathetic as some sort of Pier Morgan character - about as intimidating as a dead moth. Truly poor, feeble effort. The director should be shot, and so should everyone else involved for not telling her this was a bad style to adopt. I purchased this dung from Blockbutser for 1.99. It wasn't worth 0.01p. You want to see this sort of thing done well - improvised script, floating camera, and so on - see Festival or One for the Road. This joins Confetti in the 'bin' list. Get lost, the lot of you
Shadows of the Dead
(2004)
Low budget film-wasting
12 September 2006
This was a plish poor effort, a feeble script from the outset. An INSULT to the viewer. Work on the script before you commit these crimes to film. It sucked harder than George Michael in a public convenience. If I came across a dead body in the woods, I sure as Sherlock wouldn't react the way these two dopes did - as if they had just been told MacDonald's was out of ketchup. Kind of put out, but not really too fussed a whole deal. The woman was HORRIBLE. She looked wrong, she couldn't act, her character was foul, selfish, unhelpful. She actually looked more attractive with the ghoul make-up on at the end. And God, the ending. Wha the fuh? Was it, or was it not, the zombie's point of view. Or had the cameraman fallen down dead of boredom. Get the hell out of here!
S.I.C.K. Serial Insane Clown Killer
(2003 Video)
P*ss poor hilarity
25 August 2006
I bought this from Blockbuster for 99p. The guy behind the counter said the reason it was so cheap was because the disc was scratched to sh*t, but failed to mention that the reason it was so cheap was because the film was a p*ss poor effort that sucked harder than Paris Hilton in a hotel room home video. Talking of home videos, since when has it been fair game to release them as films - I mean to say, films used to employ actors and technicians and scriptwriters and so on - not any more - just gather your friends and lame-o ideas together for the weekend, lavish the production with an £8.00 budget, and get someone to fall down the stairs with a Casio keyboard (the soundtrack) - then slap it on the shelves, for some poor sap (me), to take home in lonely desperation. But here's the clincher - I fast forwarded through most of this, and tossed it to one side, ready for the hammers... until the next night, while watching a Darren Day horror 'Hellbreed' (£1.99 to take home and keep from a different Blockbuster). Now this film made 'Grim Weekend' look like The Exorcist, so I slapped Grim Weekend back on, to catch up on some of the moments listed on the wonderful IMDb boards, that viewers claimed were hilarious. Sure enough, once I had got over the misery, the pain, and the horror, of realising Grim Weekend was utter chod on toast, I could enjoy, savour, and downright get down to the funny stuff. And there's a lot of it. Check the boards. Then check the flick. Hell, it might even be worth it. AWWWWW CRAP!
Hellbreeder
(2004)
Pathetic limp lame-arsed feeble dire-rear
25 August 2006
Unwatchable t*rd, unbearable, actually irritating, hateful crud, painfully dull, painfully feeble, had me hitting fast-forward, the director should be shot, but not before I get my £1.99 refund, Darren Day is the worst person alive - you have to see his retarded scene where he is covered in dirt getting sucked off in the back of a van, it is a atrocious, the whole thing is atrocious - Day even pulls out a script towards the end and starts flicking through it... my God - spooky clowns and dead kids, who gives a damn, give me a break, I'm taking the hammers to this, if I ever see the director(s) (it took two people to sh*t this out?) down a dark street, I'm going to set the dogs on them
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