knight110tim Reviews

Willow: The Battle of the Slaughtered Lamb (2022) Season 1, Episode 3

Can Somebody Please Explain The Presence of Two Wild West Pioneers in The World of Willow

[4/10 · 10 December 2022]

What's with the two woodswomen dressed like anachronistic Wild Western pioneers, with denims and plastic rivets in their hats?

Is Willow supposed to be a post-apocalyptic Earth? Did they stumble in from The Dark Tower novels?

Why were they even there given they were bumped off soon after being introduced?

This really took me out of the high fantasy nature of Willow, for no readily apparent reason.

I hope this odd sequence is addressed, and explained, down the road... because as it is, after only three episodes, this show has got progressively worse as it's s gone on.

And this was just weird for weirdnesses sake, as far as I can tell.

Charlie's Angels (2019)

An Insult To The Memory Of A Beloved Vintage TV Show

[2/10 · 7 August 2020]

Let me tell you what I detest about this movie upfront: the way it takes a dump on the rich history of the franchise as the main "twist" in its very pedestrian plot line.

The wonderful Patrick Stewart is introduced as the retiring John Bosley, and, while there are now a legion of "Bosleys" in the Townsend Organisation, it is strongly implied - assisted by some dreadfully Photoshopped pictures of him with the original Angels from the TV show and the Angels of the Drew Barrymore movie era - that he is same John Bosley as played by David Doyle in the old television show.

Sadly, it's also plainly obvious from pretty much the moment he is introduced that he's going to be the bad guy, despite some ham-fisted attempts at misdirection by writer/director Elizabeth Banks (who also plays his replacement).

Anyone who grew up with the Angels should find the idea of Bosley breaking bad both insulting and wholly unconvincing.

It's a stupid gimmick and a cheap shot at a beloved show.

Nothing about this movie makes it feel like it earned the right to flip an established character 180 degrees with no solid story justification.

Despite some amusing moments and the odd snappy one-liner, the overarching plot about the new generation of Angels (now a huge, global, organisation) trying to stop a piece of potentially dangerous stolen tech falling into the wrong hands is so blah.

It's a thriller plot we've seen a million times before, with all its twists and turns telegraphed.

This was the relaunch nobody asked for (after the dismal attempt to bring it back to TV bombed), and, despite upscaling Charlie's organisation, it doesn't bring anything clever or cinematically interesting to the table.

Whereas the Barrymore era films gave a larger-then-life sense of heightened reality to the franchise, this iteration feels like a cheap Mission: Impossible knock-off, but without the spectacular set-pieces.

The main Angels do great work with the material they are given, and Kristen Stewart's quirky Sabina Wilson is adorable in the same way Kate McKinnon stole every scene she was in in the 2016 Ghostbusters.

Mortal Engines (2018)

Visually Stunning Spectacle With Strong Female Leads

[9/10 · 14 December 2018]

In this age of cookie cutter adventure movies, unnecessary prequels, and never-ending sequels, fans of blockbuster cinema entertainment should be falling over themselves to see the most original piece of cinematic storytelling in years: Mortal Engines.

Based on the novel of the same name by Philip Reeve, the tale is set a thousand years in the future, after a catastrophic nuclear conflict has wiped out most of humanity and many the survivors have relocated to mobile enclaves known as traction cities (or 'predator cities').

These communities survive and grow by hunting down and capturing smaller towns, stripping them of their resources and absorbing their populations ("Municipal Darwinism").

London is one such apex city, home to our hero Tom Natsworthy (Misfits' Robert Sheehan) who finds himself cast out when he steps in to prevent an assassination attempt on head archaeologist Thaddeus Valentine (Hugo Weaving) by the very angry Hester Shaw (Hera Hilmar).

Hunted by an unstoppable cyborg, Shrike (Stephen Lang), and stranded in the wilderness, the mismatched duo of Hester and Tom eventually fall in with outlaw rebel Anna Fang (South Korean singer Jihae) and together they must find a way to thwart Valentine's insidious scheme to make London the most powerful city on Earth... at the cost of a great many lives.

It's no secret that I was predisposed to enjoy Mortal Engines the movie, not only have I raved about and evangelised on behalf of the original book series for longer than I've been writing this blog, but I also consider the author a friend.

However, I can honestly say, the film was spectacular.

And, yes, this middle-aged man may have shed a few tears of excitement the first time Anna and Hester shared the screen together - these are my two favourite modern literary characters after all, so this was a very special moment for me to see them in live-action.

Neither actor portrayed them exactly as I had pictured them in my head, from reading the novels all those years ago, but it turns out that didn't matter: for the duration of the movie they were the powerful and dynamic women I've long been obsessed by.

The script, by Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Philippa Boyens condenses and streamlines the source material, reducing a nuanced narrative to a non-stop series of action beats.

However, the stunning opening chase sequence - of London bearing down on a smaller town as they race across the desolate countryside - is unlike anything we've ever seen before and immediately lets you know this is a unique world we're going to be playing in for the next two hours.

Towards its climax the script errs into melodrama, and the action goes a bit Star Wars, but by then we have fallen in love with the characters and are so deeply embedded in the world of Mortal Engines that it carries us along for the ride.

As the feature film directorial debut of Christian Rivers, effects wizard and storyboard artist on many of Jackson's previous movies, the film is an in-your-face treat for the senses, full of intricately detailed shots that demand multiple viewings to catch all the minutiae.

If for nothing else, Rivers should be applauded for his incredible realisation of Philip Reeve's world, which manages to put an inspired new spin on post-apocalyptic tropes, filtering them through lenses akin to the works of Terry Gilliam or Alejandro Jodorowsky's Dune.

Comparing it to previous Peter Jackson epics, I have to confess that I enjoyed Mortal Engines a hell of a lot more than my first viewing of Fellowship Of The Ring, which, for me, only fell into place when I saw the extended director's cut.

So I'm holding out hope for an extended iteration of Mortal Engines - when it's finally released to home video - that can only further heighten my enjoyment of this film.

The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)

Fun, Adventure Romp In Space...

[9/10 · 5 February 2018]

In the near-future, the Earth is teetering on the brink of apocalypse, with energy shortages driving countries to increasingly desperate measures to survive.

Meanwhile, in orbit, as society breaks down below them, an international team of scientists - on the massive spacestation Cloverfield - are attempting to fire up The Shepherd, a particle accelerator that could could provide unlimited energy for the planet and save mankind.

Unfortunately, after two years of failure, just as the scientists think they've got The Shepherd working - something goes horribly wrong...

The station loses sight of Earth as bizarre phenomena begin to plague its crew, and down on the planet chaos erupts.

Full marks to producer JJ Abrams for keeping The Cloverfield Paradox pretty much off the radar until it appeared on Netflix this morning.

A companion piece to the original Cloverfield monster movie, this light-weight slice of fun makes liberal use of weird science to explain the goings-on of the first movie, while serving up a pulpy action horror tale of its own.

With echoes of Event Horizon and recent episodes of Star Trek: Discovery, The Cloverfield Paradox is a fine example of the "haunted house in space" sub-genre.

Occasionally formulaic and occasionally surprising, the breathless adventure is broken up with a sprinkling of thematic nuggets ranging from the strength of familial bonds, and heroism and sacrifice, through to moments of delightful dark humour.

It's also one of those wonderful works of sci-fi and horror that you can't really say anything about without spoiling the surprises.

Just sit back and enjoy.

The Cloverfield Paradox isn't high art, but it's a fun romp and proves that there's still life in this odd, episodic, franchise.

Mythica: The Necromancer (2015)

Another Great Dungeons & Dragons-style Adventure From Arrowstorm

[9/10 · 8 January 2016]

Mythica: The Necromancer is the third chapter in Arrowstorm's epic five-part, Kickstarter-funded, fantasy saga.

Once again it perfectly captures the essence of a magnificent Dungeons & Dragons-style RPG campaign, brought to life.

Aged sorcerer Gojun Pye (Kevin Sorbo) investigates a vision he has while training his student, ex-slave girl Marek (Melanie Stone), and discovers that their nemesis, the evil Szorlok (Matthew Mercer) is on the move.

Pye knows that Szorlok needs Marek's innate necromancy skills to complete his villainous ambitions, so tells his apprentice to stay in hiding while he goes off and does wizardly things.

However, before Marek even gets to her team's hideout, her old friend Thane (Adam Johnson) is kidnapped by the scenery-chewing master of the Thieves Guild - and Marek's former owner - Peregus Malister (Robert Jayne).

He proceeds to use his hostage to blackmail Marek, priestess Teela (Nicola Posener), and half-elf rogue Dagen (Jake Stormoen), to track down a smuggler who has gone AWOL with a valuable shipment of magical drugs.

To keep an eye on them, Peregus sends his sadistic lieutenant Betylla (Philip Brodie) along with the heroes.

Their mission takes them across snow-blanketed landscapes, to the front-lines of an ongoing war, then a brothel, and eventually an enemy encampment... where they run into Szorlok! Difficult decisions and unexpected sacrifices are made, resulting in Marek's powers getting a mighty boost - but at a great cost.

The Necromancer boasts a tight story that puts some unique twists on a traditional plot; top quality special effects (especially when it comes to realising the sundry magical powers and abilities flying around); rock solid direction from A. Todd Smith; and cracking performances from the central characters.

The bonds between these characters are wholly believable, and this adds convincing depth to their reactions and relationships.

One of the elements that also makes these films so great is that when characters are chatting, or interacting with their surroundings, you get the impression that is a complete world, not actors in isolation on a stage. There is a Truth to the Mythica saga that many low-budget fantasy or sci-fi films lack.

Knights of Badassdom (2013)

Promising Start, But Doesn't Know Where To Go...

[6/10 · 9 April 2014]

Knights Of Badassdom exists in a mystical confluence, equal parts Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Animal House, Galaxy Quest and Friday 13th but never quite rises to the brilliance of its forebears.

Having just been dumped by his girlfriend, wannabe doom metal singer Joe (True Blood's Ryan Kwanten) is 'kidnapped' by his two best friends - hardcore LARPers Eric (Steve Zahn) and Hung (Game Of Thrones' Peter Dinklage) - to the site of their next big event, The Battle Of Evermore.

Joe is reluctantly talked into joining the Live Action Role Playing game - helped by the presence of the lovely Gwen (Firefly's Summer Glau) - but, unfortunately, in his quest for authenticity Eric has purchased a magical tome off eBay that turns out to be a long lost book belonging to the famous Elizabethan sorcerer John Dee.

When Eric reads a page at random as a mock spell, he unknowingly summons a succubus from Hell that proceeds to feed on the souls of the LARPers.

Soon after that Joe and Gwen realise that people are dying for real and take up arms to strike back at the monstrous demon and try to save their friends.

Knights Of Badassdom starts very promisingly, with plenty of loving nods to both LARPing and Dungeons & Dragons (this certainly isn't a mockery of geeks), but once the horror aspect enters the mix, the film doesn't really know where to go.

Now, I'm pretty certain that I read a ways back that this release of the film was not the director's vision of the story but a cut put together by the producers. This might explain the feeling that after a while the story is just spinning its wheels.

What starts off as belly-laughing funny (very much in the style of The Big Bang Theory, but with more swearing) that had me thinking this might one day equal The Holy Grail as geeks' go-to game quote movie eventually lapses into mildly amusing, by-the-numbers fare.

There are plot holes a-plenty and a lot of undeveloped characters (for instance, what was the deal with the redneck paint-ballers and their major hate-on for the LARPers? Outside of explaining why the police didn't turn up at the camp site when the slaughter began, they were totally redundant to the plot), which again suggests to me to retrospective re-cutting of the film for whatever reason, making do with what footage was on-hand.

Don't get me wrong, it's good and certainly clever in parts, but there's an inescapable feeling that it could have been much better. There are some great characters, and great "in-story" world-building by the LARPers, but it all degenerates into a big slug-fest with a rubber-suit monster.

Depending on your mood - and your attitude to random absurdity in movies - the climax of Knights Of Badassdom will either have you smirking at its ridiculousness or reaching for the remote control to turn off the television.

It's such a shame because I genuinely believe this could have been - if done right - a cult classic. As it is, I fear it will simply be swept under the carpet as a missed opportunity and promptly forgotten about.

Of course, the film's biggest mistake: not enough Dinklage.

Kingdom of Gladiators (2011)

Swords & Sorcery's Answer To Plan 9 From Outer Space

[1/10 · 22 September 2011]

In the Italian/American production Kingdom Of Gladiators the sword and sorcery genre has found its own Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Starring a trio of pro-wrestlers (Matt Polinsky, Leroy Kincaid and Annie Social) as its ad hoc heroes, a supporting cast of LARPers (I don't know they were LARPers, I'm just guessing) and an Italian tourist castle as its main location, this movie is a laugh-a-minute from its opening spiel to its closing rainbow (yes, it ends with a rainbow!) Although the acting is uniformly dreadful across the board (not helped by an overwrought script from Marco Viloa and director Stefano Milla that randomly pads out sentences with meaningless portentous wordage), special mention has to go to the dead-pan "comedy" stylings of Bryan Murphy as King Wolfkahn - who pretty much steals the show with his monotonous, emotion-free delivery.

If you're not already crying with laughter by the time you spot Matt Polinsky's distinctive bomb-shaped neck tattoo then you haven't entered into the right spirit - and surely the impromptu wrestling match between him and Leroy when they're searching for the magic sword with their magic sunglasses should have tipped you off that this isn't Shakespeare.

What passes for a story in Kingdom Of Gladiators is the aftermath of a secret pact between Wolfkahn and agents of the Dark Lord to secure peace in his kingdom, Keemok, at the cost of his offspring (we later discover the demons aren't particularly on the ball here), but after ten years the demon Hel returns with some vague plan of wiping out humanity by resurrecting a giant earth elemental creature called Guano (or something).

Hel shows up in the form of Wolfkahn's superhot missing daughter Luna (Suzi Lorraine), the movie's main eye candy, and at the start of The Grand Tournament (to choose Wolfkahn's heir); a slight misnomer as a succession of stunt men (and women) in ragged armour fighting in a castle courtyard in front of an audience of about 50 peasants isn't exactly what I'd call "grand".

There's some mutterings about the demon needing a blood sacrifice, but that doesn't stop Wolfkahn from continuing with the tournament - and it has to be said that there is, at least, one cool kill during the fighting. However, most of it unfolds at a lamentably slow pace that totally lacks the trendy "bullet-time" slo-mo I suspect they were trying to emulate.

Every so often, odd things occur that are completely unexplained - the strangest of which is when one audience member suddenly stabs another and no-one takes any notice. I wondered if it was part of the demon's great scheme, but it was never referenced again.

People wander around, talking heads pop up every now-and-again with a new bit of exposition to move the plot on, Annie actually wears a chainmail bikini, there's some titillation (although no nudity), people die and the storyline hangs together with the barest of threads, but ultimately it doesn't matter.

Twisted genius that would make Ed Wood proud, Kingdom Of Gladiators is truly so awful it has to be seen to be believed - possibly with the aid of large quantities of alcohol - because although played straight it is actually one of the greatest comedies of the year.

Black Swan (2010)

An Adult Fairy Tale...

[10/10 · 18 March 2011]

A dark, modern fairy tale, Black Swan, itself, is a stunning piece of art.

A powerful and intense study of obsession and madness that focuses on Natalie Portman's Nina Sayers, a driven and uptight New York ballerina who wins the lead role - of the Swan Queen - in a production of Swan Lake.

For those of us who didn't actually know - and it's explained a couple of times - Swan Lake is the story of a young girl magically transformed into a White Swan who can only be saved by love. Unfortunately the prince she falls for is seduced by her evil twin, the Black Swan, and she ends up killing herself.

Darren Aronofsky's magnificent movie has Nina Sayers so determined to give the "perfect" performance that she finds herself "becoming" the character in shocking and disturbing ways.

Nina clearly has issues anyway, with a history of self-harm and an overbearing single mother (Barbara Hershey) who abandoned her own ballet career to give birth - and therefore carries the joint burden of resentment and a desire to live out her unfulfilled dreams through her daughter.

While the show's director freely admits Nina is ideal as the "white swan", he has reservations about her ability to also portray the evil "black swan" and encourages her to loosen up through a variety of unorthodox techniques.

There's enough "body horror" to satisfy David Cronenberg fans, while the "in-your-face" camera work and grainy film stock gives Black Swan the cinéma vérité feel of a "behind-the-scenes" documentary on the hard life of professional ballet dancers.

Sexually graphic in places as well, although you never actually see anything very little is left to the imagination, the film makes its audience uncomfortable and complicit in the unfolding psychodrama until you don't know what's real and what's imagined as pictures become animated, faces morph into self-reflections and Nina's body starts to undergo bizarre transformations of its own.

Aronofsky has brought out career-defining performances from his cast. Portman - who is on screen for almost every scene - is sublime, but she is also supported by a flawless cast. Mila Kunis, as Nina's only friend but also imagined rival, is a revelation while Vincent Cassel as the show director is enigmatically unreadable. Winona Ryder, as the outgoing lead dancer, although only in the film for a short while, is equally superb and memorable.

A truly unique film, Black Swan rightfully earned Portman her Oscar and will stay with you long after the credits have rolled.

The Dead (2010)

Predictable, By The Numbers, Zombie Fare - But Looks Nice!

[3/10 · 2 September 2010]

Beautifully shot on location in the wilds of Africa, The Dead tells of the only white survivor of the last post-zompocalypse evacuation from the continent, after his plane crashes off the coast.

Rob Freeman is Lt Brian Murphy, a military engineer, who finds himself stranded in the wilderness, constantly dodging the slow, ambling, Romero-style zombies.

Eventually he teams up with Sgt Daniel Dembele (Prince David Ose), an AWOL local soldier trying to find his missing son.

Beyond the road movie/journey premise of the story, The Dead brings nothing new to the genre and every time it looks as though something interesting might happen it gets thrown away in the next scene.

Two howling - spoilerific - examples spring to mind: at one point Lt Murphy is handed a baby by a dying woman and you think: "oh my God, how's he going to cope in a world overrun with zombies, with a newborn to care for as well?" The next scene he's meeting some refugees in a lorry and handing the baby off to them.

Then a little later, Murphy's asleep in a tree (a course of action maybe he should have considered earlier in the film, given what happens to him and Dembele at one point when they make camp) and his gun slips out of his hand to the ground. And there's a zombie walking past! Obviously zombies can't climb trees, but what exciting thing is going to happen? Cut to next scene, it's morning, the zombie's wandered off long ago and Murphy climbs down and picks up his gun.

The only moment in the film that got any reaction from the audience at FrightFest 2010 was, quite early on, when Murphy drives his rusty old car over the head of a zombie causing it to pop like an overripe zit. That was met with much applauding and howls of laughter.

I'm easily satisfied by straight-forward zombie films, I'm not expecting great innovations every time, but The Dead is just dull, with its few shocks well telegraphed ahead of time.

It also suffered from strange jumps in editing that sometimes compacted sequences you thought should have been longer and at other times drawing out moments that could have been dismissed in a single beat.

You couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for directors Howard and Jon Ford, who told the audience beforehand how they'd put 20 years into the film and risked life and limb filming in such a dangerous area.

I just can't see this movie attracting even a cult following.

The Beyond (1981)

Worst. Film. Ever!

[1/10 · 31 January 2007]

Imagine a selection of scenes thrown together in a random order, spiced up with bad acting, bad dialogue and bad effects and crippled by bad dubbing (maybe my DVD version is partially to blame for this) and you can only just begin to appreciate the awfulness of The Beyond. My initial interest in this was the supposed Lovecraft connection - through The Book of Eibon - but I can only imagine the great author spinning in his grave that this name is associated with this mess. Peripheral characters are killed off and forgotten about, nothing is explained and logic is abandoned for the sake of yet another eye-gouging. I wanted to like it, I wanted it to challenge me, but instead I came away feeling cheated.

Alien Autopsy (2006)

You want to believe ...

[7/10 · 14 April 2006]

Showman PT Barnum famously once said: "There's a sucker born every minute" ... and this maxim never had more truth than for hoaxer Ray Santilli - the man who released the original 'alien autopsy' film footage onto an unsuspecting world. While clearly as phony as one of Derek Acorah's "spiritual possessions" on Most Haunted, people believed it because they wanted to.

Ray's tale is now retold on the big screen with Newcastle's finest - Ant and Dec - taking the lead roles of Ray (Dec) and his best friend Gary (Ant). Ray has always stuck to his guns and claimed that the footage was genuine, until now - conveniently timing his "re-imagining" of events to coincide with the release of the film that he and Gary have executively produced.

The story - as told in the light-hearted drama Alien Autopsy - goes that pirate video trader and general conman Ray went off to the States, with Gary, to buy up home movies of Elvis for resale in the UK, but ended up meeting an Air Force cameraman who showed him what he claimed was genuine footage from an alien autopsy shot in Roswell after the famous UFO crash.

However, by the time Ray got the money together to buy the film, and got it back home, it had eroded so much that it was unwatchable. So he then hit on the idea of "restaging" what he claimed to have seen and passing his film off as the genuine article. And the rest is history ...

Ant and Dec's film is surprisingly entertaining and thought provoking, relying as it does on that old storytelling favourite: the unreliable narrator (for better examples see The Usual Suspects or Fight Club), as Ray and Gary recount their adventures to documentary maker Bill Pullman.

It's not the laugh-out-loud, slapstick that one might expect from Britain's premiere light entertainers, but a quite straight recounting of the manufacture of a global-scale hoax - with only a light sprinkling of hilarity. I suspect the real Ray and Gary may have had a hand in keeping the tone semi-serious, so as not to show them in too bad a light.

Nevertheless, this is a film I can highly recommend. It's good natured, funny and reasonably family friendly (mild sex references and fake alien goo aside). The story doesn't quite hang together and the interesting twist ending feels slightly tacked on (perhaps in an attempt to milk the hoax for a few more dollars), but Ant and Dec do themselves proud and if nothing else it's one of those films where it's fun to play spot the cameo.

Masters of Horror: Pick Me Up (2006) Season 1, Episode 11

Run-of-the-mill, unoriginal and clichéd!

[20 February 2006]

Oh dear! The Masters of Horror series on Bravo (in the UK) was going great guns until Pick Me Up. A tired old tale of feudin' serial killers that goes nowhere thanks to lame and clichéd dialogue from the pen of splatterpunk guru David Schow and pedestrian direction from Larry Cohen.

A bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere with half a dozen people on. Forever Goth Fairuza Balk decides to walk the 10 miles or so to a motel, while two passengers get picked up by a truck driver (Michael Moriarty's Wheeler) and are subsequently slain, and the remaining three fall foul of the hitchhiking killer Walker, played by Warren Kole.

The killers then cross paths at the motel where Fairuza is staying and this is where the film's only real tension comes into play, as they try to psyche each other out, and Larry Cohen pulls off a decent aerial shot that pans from one killer's room, over Fairuza's and into the other's.

After that, it's back on the road for everyone for a very mundane, physical showdown; with the story only picking up some credibility slightly thanks to a novel - but not very surprising - twist ending.

Despite the obligatory nudity and strong language, Pick Me Up was a major disappointment after the last fortnight and a poor excuse for a thriller that any wannabe horror hack would have been ashamed to churn out - let alone a so-called Master of Horror!

Ultimate Avengers: The Movie (2006 Video)

Is it The Ultimates or is it The Avengers?

[7/10 · 20 February 2006]

What a strange beast this is. Clearly - and explicitly - based on the brilliant Millar and Hitch comic 'The Ultimates', this cartoon refuses to shake off its mainstream Marvel heritage.

The Ultimate Universe has been the best thing to happen to Marvel for many a year, being a fresh imprint re-imagining all their characters back to 'day one' to hook new readers who might have been put off by the encyclopedic background knowledge needed to keep up to speed with events in the original comics.

The Ultimates were the new incarnation of The Avengers, Marvel's mightiest superhero group since the 1960s. Mark Millar took a much tougher, more 'realistic' and mature approach to the idea of a team of supersoldiers - treating them as 'weapons of mass destruction' - rather than just masked crimefighters and alien invader repellents.

The Ultimate Avengers movie - which could have been mind-blowing done live action in the style of Spider-Man or The X-Men - is a strange mix of the two universes, dumbing down Millar's story and making it more child friendly, but still keeping the characters of new Ultimate universe, with their cocky natures, bickering and inter-party feuds... although The Hulk doesn't get to eat anyone, which is a shame! The animation is pretty good, but not a patch on Bryan Hitch's artwork, which again gives the cartoon a very run-of-the-mill, sub-anime feel in the wake of its high calibre source material. The story and dialogue are also above-average for American cartoons, but could have been so much better ... the problem arises from trying to turn an adult comic back into a kiddy cartoon.

That being said, it still makes good viewing - even if it runs the risk of leaving both Avengers and Ultimates fans cold and disappointed - and a sequel is due out in July, taking the Ultimate Avengers to Wakanda, the home of The Black Panther.

Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005 TV Movie)

Another fumble from the D&D franchise

[6/10 · 10 February 2006]

I should be in geek heaven. Another Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) movie? After the critical hit that the first one took, I wouldn't have thought it possible ... but clearly someone has more faith in the franchise than the viewing public.

Wrath of the Dragon God is better cinematically than the original, but just isn't as much fun. While the first went for all the clichés (including the initial tavern rendezvous) and the full-on dragon war climax, the latest seems oddly low key ... despite its typically apocalyptic plot line.

Over a century has passed and Damodar (Bruce Payne) has returned from undeath with another foul plan for world domination. A band of experienced adventurers is hastily assembled - representing all the major character classes (a fighter, mage, cleric, rogue and barbarian) - to thwart him. And that's pretty much it.

There's a decent dungeon crawl sequence and some okay fight scenes, but it all seems very pedestrian and just an odd rehash of Hawk The Slayer (still, in my humble opinion, the best non-D&D D&D movie). We do get a pretty 'realistic' cinematic interpretation of Third Edition Dungeons & Dragons, some eye candy in the Xena-esquire shape of the barbarian Lux, fanboy in-jokes (in the shape of adventure module name dropping e.g. 'Barrier Peaks' and 'The Ghost Tower of Inverness' to name but two) and a few snippets of witty banter.

But for my two gold pieces, it could have been so much more. If the movie makers were trying to breath new life into the franchise they should have tried to make something that was dramatically different from the first, not just another version. In this sort of low-budget fantasy adventure fare, one quest is very much like another - whatever trinket the champions are seeking.

And enough with the CGI dragons already...

999 experience points to the writers, cast and directors for effort, but not enough to take them up a level yet.

Masters of Horror: Dreams in the Witch-House (2005) Season 1, Episode 2

Great version of a Lovecraft classic

[5 February 2006]

As part of the 13 episode Masters of Horror strand currently showing on Bravo in the United Kingdom, H.P. Lovecraft's Dreams In The Witch-House is a contemporary retelling of the old story by writer-director Stuart Gordon, who also gave us the seriously underrated, Lovecraft-adaption Dagon.

With slightly more nudity, bad language and sex than the original tale, Gordon proves his love of the Master's work by keeping the key elements - such as the creepy rat creature Brown Jenkin, who looks like an escapee from a Basement Jaxx video - but building faithfully on the story's foundations for a rounded televisual experience.

Ezra Godden returns from the watery depths of Dagon to don a Miskatonic University top again as struggling student Walter Gilman (unintentional in-joke there, given his previous Lovecraft role as a man turning into a Deep One). His decline into madness - a common theme in Lovecraft's work - is wonderfully captured. Gordon's direction is spot on for atmosphere, with one stand-out scene (when Gilman is being compelled by the witch to sacrifice a child) being so agonisingly intense that it's almost impossible to watch.

A great episode that is hopefully is representative of the standard of the series - 13 tales by 13 different genre directors - which is screened at 11pm every Friday.

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

Kate Beckinsale steals the show

[7/10 · 2 February 2006]

Delicious Kate Beckinsale is back in her skin tight leathers as Selene the vampire, dealing death to her fellow neck suckers and other creatures of the night, in the spectacular sequel to 2003's Underworld.

Picking up the story almost from the moment the first film finishes, Underworld: Evolution is basically a plot-lite monster chase movie interspersed with effects-heavy fight sequences that eventually degenerate into a kind of supernatural James Bond with OTT set pieces and wacky gadgets.

Of particular note, along with the climactic punch-up (complete with helicopter crashing through the ceiling), is the opening scene, set in the 13th Century, of vampire knights tracking down the first werewolf (William) and fighting off a village of his recent converts. Throughout the movie great atmospheric use is made of the story's Eastern Euopean setting (as in the original and Blade 2), resisting the easy option of relocating it to the United States.

Several of the characters from the first film make cameos of varying lengths, and the action is certainly ramped up a gear - not so much walking in slow motion and Goth vampires with attitude.

While Kate holds her own in the acting stakes and Steven Mackintosh enjoys his role as a lustful vampire exile, Derek Jacobi phones in his performance as the enigmatic Corvinus (presumably he was doing this as a favour or just wanted some pocket money). Scott Speedman mopes his way through his part as the vampire/werewolf hybrid Michael, but it's slinky Selene and the action set-pieces that will stick in the memory.

Looking back I can't believe how much I disliked the original when I saw it at the cinema - sure it's more World of Darkness than Buffy The Vampire Slayer - but it's just a load of harmless nonsense and, having re-evaluated it in light of a cheap DVD purchase, I've decided it's actually very entertaining for what it is.

Underworld: Evolution doesn't need any such re-evaluation. Sure it's trash, but superb trash. Although the main characters seem to get more powerful at the end of each film, I still believe the Underworld saga deserves a few more chapters ... and how about a Blade/Underworld crossover? Now that would kick ass!

Doom (2005)

Sucks like the vacuum of space!

[1/10 · 2 February 2006]

Let's not beat around the bush here: Doom is awful. One of the worst films I've seen in ages. It's basically men in dark outfits running around in dark corridors fighting dodgy monsters for the better part of two hours. It's incredible that director Andrzej Bartkowiak was able to stretch the atom-thin story, by first-time writer David Callaham and Wesley Strick, to that length; but it's just another factor that makes the whole experience so painful.

Not only can you not really see what's going on for most of the time, but as the story takes place underground (both on Mars and Earth) it just looks like a big film set the whole time and any attempts to suspend disbelief are shattered.

What story there is comes across as a half-hearted attempt to remake Aliens in the style of Resident Evil, but lacking the quality of the former and the sexiness of the latter. Doom is as sterile as the surface of Mars, devoid of charm and atmosphere, with its gun-totting cast running around on autopilot.

Protagonist Karl Urban doesn't seem that bothered with acting in this one - crashing back down to earth after playing Eomer in Lord of The Rings - and Rosamund Pike (fresh from Pride & Prejudice) looks positively embarrassed to be there at all.

Bizarrely only ex-wrestler The Rock turns in even a vaguely convincing performance, as Sarge, the leader of the marines sent in to clear the Martian research centre of the lethal aliens ... or something like that.

And Dexter Fletcher is in it. Possibly the worst actor of all time, putting on some annoying accent. But, at least he comes to a grizzly end! A fortune probably went on the special effects, but you'd never know. Not only is the lighting too bad to see a lot of the monsters, but most of the bigger ones just appear to be blokes in rubber suits.

I'll admit that I loathed Doom the video game and was bored to tears the few times I played it, having no time for first-person shoot-'em-ups because of their linear plots, complicated control systems and lack of peripheral vision. Naively I hoped that the film would be better. But even with some odd splatterings of good, old fashioned zombie fun to mix up the monster side of things, there is nothing to recommend this film.

Flightplan (2005)

Could have been so much better!

[6/10 · 30 January 2006]

A classic example of why sometimes it's best to go into a movie knowing as little as possible about the plot. Flightplan plays its cards close to its chest for the first two-thirds of the action: is it a Sixth Sense-style supernatural tale; a conspiracy; a family drama; or a crime thriller? It could be any or all of these ... until the big reveal.

The ever watchable and always excellent Jodie Foster plays a recently widowed aircraft engineer flying her daughter - and her husband's corpse - from Berlin back to the United States, on a plane she helped to design. Three hours into the flight she awakens to find her six-year-old child has vanished and no one on the plane will admit to having ever seen her. At that point Foster turns into just the sort of 'crazy person' you wouldn't want on your flight, either pre- or post-9/11.

The set-up is incredible, cranking the tension up at every opportunity and throwing red herrings around like sale time in a fish market, and making far better use of its claustrophobic setting than the far weaker Red Eye, which was released around the same time.

However once we find out what's really going on, not only does the story take a disappointingly mundane turn but the plot twists in and around itself to try and patch up as many holes as possible, with exposition being hurled at the audience from all angles to explain how everything was possible.

Nevertheless, it's Jodie Foster acting her little socks off, with solid support from Peter Sarsgaard as the flight's air marshall and Sean Bean as the supportive, but rather inactive, captain.

Given the set-up, it could have been so much more if the writers had tried to think further outside the box, but as it is, Flightplan is easy family viewing - as long as you don't try and figure out the logistics of the plot!

Wolf Creek (2005)

Well made - but nothing original

[5/10 · 26 January 2006]

Wolf Creek is yet another attempt to re-imagine the Texas Chainsaw Massacre story of obnoxious, stranded youths being tortured and killed by an even more horrible character in some isolated, out-of-the-way place. In this case it's the Australian outback. And to be honest it does exactly what it says on the tin - this is not a film with hidden depths.

John Jarratt is convincingly disturbed as the evil and sadistic Mick Taylor, but the three youthful protagonists are as forgettable as their clones in any number of cheap and trashy American equivalents. Disappointly average after The Guardian supposedly named it "the scariest film of the year".

Saw (2004)

Great twist to an average horror/crime thriller

[9/10 · 26 January 2006]

A strange little 'bottle' film where not enough happens, and certainly not on a broad enough canvas, to justify its cinematic dreams, but it would have made a blinding TV thriller.

While not as clever as it likes to think it is - one particular flashback-within-flashback sequence is pretty much guaranteed to scramble the viewers concept of plot flow - the script is gifted with a killer twist that almost makes up for many of the films perceived weaknesses.

It is also helps to treat the central villain - the Jigsaw Killer - as an 18-certificate incarnation of Batman's nemesis, The Joker. That mindset also helps justify his otherwise unexplained access to presumably very expensive 'toys' to kit out his torture rooms.

Perhaps I think too much about these things ...

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Enjoyable reworking of an iconic dud

[7/10 · 26 January 2006]

A classic haunted house yarn with solid performances from the cast - young and old, Amityville Horror (2005) is not a subtle, psychological horror but a balls-out, in-yer-face monster picture with the vengeful ghosts and demons appearing on screen from the moment the Lutz family arrive at their new home.

Although it claims to be based on a true story no real attempt is made to keep the mayhem within the bounds of reality and George's rapid descent into insanity isn't so much an homage to Nicholson in The Shining as a parody. Ryan Reynolds is superb as the troubled head of his step-family and while best known for his light-hearted roles shows here he can turn charm to menace at the flick of a switch.

Amityville is the least well-respected of the clutch of iconic horrors from the 1970s and has spawned some truly awful sequels, but this remake does the story proud, reinventing it for a multiplex audience used to glamorous leads and stories told through OTT gore and special effects.

There's nothing really original here and the 2005 film ticks all the boxes for haunted house clichés e.g. spooky faces at windows, erratic plumbing, moving furniture, clocks stopping etc but does it with a brazen panache and lack of pretencion that makes the film enjoyable for what it is.

Serenity (2005)

Shiny!

[10/10 · 29 December 2005]

A sublime lesson in storytelling, not a line is wasted in Joss Whedon's directorial debut - Serenity. Although a continuation of his prematurely axed sci-fi TV show, Firefly, the film is completely self-contained, introducing the major players and the background in a quick, efficient style that will entertain Browncoats (die-hard Firefly fans) and new recruits to the 'Verse (the setting).

While the story revolves around the activities of Captain Mal Reynolds and his crew, the plot focuses on 17-year-old psychic River Tam, a typical Joss kick-ass hottie ... shades of his most famous creation, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, but without the supernatural monsters! The only monsters in Serenity are the Reavers, insane humans into self-mutilation, cannibalism and other icky things.

While mainly an unseen, but still terrifying, threat in the TV series, the Reavers are a strong force throughout the film; being the power-engine driving the greatest 'last stand' gun battle since Zulu.

Mal and his crew are petty thieves, trying to earn a crust and keep flyin' - more Han Solo than Captain Kirk - and so their escapades are, by default, more down and dirty, more dangerous and people die ... including crew members and supporting cast. But if you've only joined them for this flight, and not earned your Browncoat yet, you will care about their loss and the impact it has on the rest of this close-knit family.

Filmed on a comparatively small budget, with faultless special effects, Serenity is a masterclass in mainstream film-making, bringing a genre movie to the general public in an easily-digestible form. Let's hope it now makes enough money to warrant a highly anticipated sequel.

Joss is an amazing writer - I can't think of anyone else in the industry who can do characters and dialogue as well, but be warned the 'Verse is very plot-driven, not science-driven and so it pays not to think too hard on some of the physics (there are plenty of message boards on the Internet and podcasts to discuss such trivia ad nauseum); just sit back and enjoy the ride.

The Devil's Rejects (2005)

Surprising success

[8/10 · 29 December 2005]

A sequel to Rob Zombie's confused and disappointing House of 1000 Corpses of 2003 might not have been an obvious choice for the musician-turned-writer/director to tackle next, but The Devil's Rejects is a far more coherent exercise in gross-out horror.

Setting the three main members of the Firefly clan on a road trip - pursued by an equally insane policeman and his two bounty hunters - plays out like the vampire-free half of From Dusk Til Dawn, with a sprinkling of gritty old school Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but without Tarantino's mastery of snappy dialogue.

Like many good shock-horror films, The Devil's Rejects relies for a large part of suggested gore, but it doesn't stint on showing a fair share as well, as the mass murderers are eventually captured and tortured by the revenge-driven lawman - playing with our sensibilities as we know we shouldn't feel sorry for Otis, Spaulding and Baby (given all the horrors they've committed both on and off camera), but we can't help it as they get nails driven through their hands, photographs stapled to their chests, set on fire, shot in the leg etc Suddenly, the killers are seen as 'heroes' - however uncomfortable that thought may be - and so the inevitable ending, as they flee to freedom, is wonderfully right and suitably memorable, satisfying every view of the Firefly clan and guaranteeing, in a Bonnie and Clyde sense, that there will be no more sequels.

Ring of the Nibelungs (2004 TV Movie)

Three hours of sheer joy!

[7/10 · 29 December 2005]

Part Dungeons and Dragons romp, part Xena: Warrior Princess and a smidge of Lord of The Rings, Sword of Xanten is based on the Germanic myth Das Nibelungenlied and the Nordic Volsunga Saga, which also inspired the four-opera cycle by Richard Wagner and Tolkien's world famous ring-centric work.

The Sword of Xanten is swords and sorcery viewed through a soap lens. Weaving a complicated plot, with inevitable unhappy ending, it's easy to see why Wagner would want to adopt this story.

The acting is fine for what it is and you can't help but be distracted by the gorgeous Kristinna Loken, perfectly cast as Icelandic warrior-queen Brunnhild - no longer playing second-fiddle to Arnie as a female Terminator - and the lovely Alica Witt as naive Kriemhild.

Great scenery, slow-motion bundles (it's a bit of an exaggeration to call most of them 'fights'), arch acting and above-average CGI make for a great little pot boiler.

It's quite long (around three hours) but The Sword of Xanten is non-stop fun and frolics all the way - with a bit of sauciness and a bit of blood - that can hold the attention of a willing viewer.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

What an anticlimax!

[3/10 · 29 December 2005]

Infamous horror films seldom measure up the hype that surrounds them and I have yet to come across a worse offender than Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes. Having held back from watching this for years, I was really pleased when I got it for Christmas and waited for an evening when my girlfriend was out to settle down and watch it - knowing her extreme dislike for anything genuinely horrifying. I needn't have bothered.

After a promising - if familiar - start, that firmly sets the film in the 'Desolution USA' world of survival horror, things rapidly go to pieces when the protagonists and antagonists meet in the deserted wasteland.

Looking like it was shot on a budget of $5, with the cannibal clan's costumes hired from a dodgy fancy dress shop that specialises in faux caveman and Red Indian attire, the story follows an annoying bunch of unsympathetic WASPs who take a detour on a road trip to California, to look for a silver mine in a nuclear testing zone (!). When they break down they are set upon by the local family of flesh-eaters and have to fight to survive.

While hoping for another Deliverance, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn or Devil's Rejects, I actually realised I'd stumbled across something that should have remained dusty and unwatched in a backstreet video store's bargain bin.

With gallons of tomato ketchup for blood and a couple of gruesome wound close-ups, I can kind of see how an 18 Certificate (in the UK) is justified, but with those close-ups trimmed this wouldn't have looked out of place as a Saturday afternoon thriller on ITV.

The whole silver mine/nuclear test site subplot is just a McGuffin to justify pitching the 'civilised' family against the primitives, but given how easily the savages get their asses whupped it stretches credibility to think that they had survived for a generation preying on passers-by.

And then there's the ending ... or lack thereof. The Hills Have Eyes seems to be missing either a third act or, at the very least, a satisfying denouement. Instead, I was just left wondering: "Yeah, and ... ?"