arfdawg-1 Reviews

Girls on Film (2023)

Unwatchable

[1/10 · 20 May 2024]

Where do I begin? With the unattractive girl who gets evicted and hooks up with the wrong person? Or the Angela Jolie look-a-like who is the wrong person?

Despite their different looks, their roles are interchangeable because neither one of them can act. Not in the slightest.

But does the ability to act matter when you have no script? Here's an example of this cracker jack writing:

"I used to be a stripper but now so much is online that now all I do is personal appearances.""That's hot."

And then there's the total lack of direction. A monkey could have directed a better movie than this. Really one of the worst movies ever made.

Nightwatch (1994)

Mediocre at Best

[3/10 · 20 May 2024]

Meh.

This isn't an especially good film. I read that there was an American version, but I haven't seen it. And based on this one, I'm not sure I want to.

It's clearly overrated.

The acting and production values are good but the story-line is just poor.

The director never succeeds in creating any tension whatsoever, which would be important in a horror movie of this sort. It's slow. And it's not a slow build. It's just slow and never really takes off.

Further so much of it never rises to the level of suspension of disbelief. Some of the scenes are just dumb. Like why would they put an important key in with the dead bodies when it would have been just as easy to put it in the security office.

In sum, I was sort of bored through most of it.

Hack-O-Lantern (1988 Video)

Weird Grind House

[1/10 · 19 May 2024]

Strange grind-house movie from the end of grind-house '80's.

The acting not so good. The musical score is annoying to end all annoying.

The story-line is filled with so many holes I thought I was watching Swiss cheese unfold.

It actually has the look of the movie Halloween with none of the talent. And looks aren't anything.

The directing is crazy slow. I was nodding out a few times because the action is so slow. This is really less than a "B" movie. It's more like a "D" movie.

To be honest, even though I like grind-house pictures, this one is definitely not worth the watch at all. The nudity was teh only good thing about it.

Ripley (2024)

Freddie is Sting's DAUGHTER

[6/10 · 19 May 2024]

I nearly bailed on this show after the first episode which really sucked. It was too slow for me.

Well in truth, the entire series is slow but the story-line gets better as the episodes unfold.

I still think the show was pumped up with way too much filler and the story could have easily been told in half the episode and it would have been a lot tighter and way more interesting.

Still, it was a decent production.

The weirdest casting was Sting's daughter as Freddie. I don't think it worked well because your focus tends to be on something being wrong with what your seeing instead of what is happening.

Landmine Goes Click (2015)

Nearly 2 Hours of Boredom

[2/10 · 19 May 2024]

This movie is horrible and not for anyone.

The story is downright moronic. It's basically a rape/revenge movie with no action.

Three quarters into the film and nothing happens.

The basic storyline is just ridiculous and the acting is mediocre at best. OK, yes, the girl is hot but it takes forever to get to the point so by then any revenge doesn't matter. You're too bored to care.

There was an easy solution to the action, but it's not taken and you have to ask why? Instead we are submitted to relatively tame PG torture and stupid revenge.

In fact, the revenge is so dumb your head will want to explode.

WTF! (2017)

The Dregs of Motion Picture Making

[1/10 · 16 May 2024]

This has got to be the slowest slasher movie I have ever seen. Starts off with the obligatory jump scare, which tells you these filmmakers have nothing creative in their heads.

Then we are witness to the "acting" which let's us know there is not talent in the movie. The directing is just a bore. The movie drones on and on with nothing happening for what seems like forever.

More than half way through the film and still nothing happens. Then finally there is a shower scene that is so antiseptic you'll fall asleep.

There is simply nothing original or interesting in this movie. It's a bore. And a big one at that.

Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures (1964)

Silly, With Barely any Skin

[2/10 · 15 May 2024]

This is a thoroughly dumb movie with very loud jazzy musical track and third rate acting.

The women are homely babes who have five o'clock shadows in their arm pits!

The segments are all basically the same. Girl goes to casting couch. Girl takes off top. Girl is shot from the neck up. Girls makes out with cigarette smoking letch.

A bit of it is shot silent with that really bad jazz track in the background. There's lots of dancing too, like that's what people did before the sex that you don't get to see.

I've seen a number of Sarno movies and am really not so sure why he has such a following. They are all pretty bad. Stick with Russ Meyer if you want some old style sleaze.

High School (1968)

What a Bore and does the Director have a Perversion?

[1/10 · 13 May 2024]

Holy cow, Batman! This movie is an utter bore.

First of all, everyone knows they are being filmed so the interactions are unreal and unbelievable. They are all on good behavior.

As an example of how dumb this movie is, the principal (at least I think it's the principal) spends about 15 minutes back and forth with a kid telling him he should accept detention for something he did but the kid says he was protecting himself and it's a matter of principle to NOT accept detention.

This back and forth goes on and on for what seems like forever. Who's the adult in the room?

Also there is something very sick about this movie. For some reason, the filmmaker has an odd perversion filming the women's torsos. First it's the attractive Spanish teacher who he films from the belt level of her skirt. But more alarming is the girls gym session where he films the under aged girls like a voyeur hiding in a locker room.

I was sickened.

Funland (1987)

Pretty Bad

[2/10 · 12 May 2024]

This horrible movie stars Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley fame.

It's horrible.

First of all it's slow beyond belief. You cannot imagine how slow it is. Further, it's not interesting. It's hardly a horror movie. More of a character piece on a guy who plays a clown and increasingly loses touch with reality.

Only it's so poorly written and directed it just doesn't work. They even threw in the Humphry Bogart impersonator that made the rounds in the 70' and 80's only they didn't bother to dub in a Bogart voice and the guy playing -- while he LOOKS like him for sure -- does a horrible voice impersonation.

Plus the Bogart alter ego thing was already done in Play It Again, Sam.

Bad Biology (2008)

Not One Of Henny's Best

[2/10 · 10 May 2024]

I was really looking forward to watching this movie and planned some tim eto be alone in a darkened room so could really concentrate on it.

It was a disappointment.

After viewing I honestly don't know if this was a horror movie or a comedy with some horror elements.

Frequently, I thought I was watching a John Waters movie from the 1970's only the production values were so much better.

The acting is horrible and there's lots of over the top screaming that add nothing to the movie.

The girl who plays the lead is hot, but can't act to save her life.

The writing is sub-par and even the directing is chaotic at best.

Sad.

The Filmmaker (I) (2018)

Quite Simply Horrible

[1/10 · 9 May 2024]

I put this on because it got an unheard of 8.1 rating here. After viewing it, I noticed it actually got only ONE written review. And that was a FIVE.

So in other words, all the other votes that bring the rating up to Citizen Kane levels are PHONY. Likely people who worked on this garbage.

I cannot imagine anyone actually even remotely liking this garbage,

It's slow beyond slow.

The acting is literally juvie level. Like 12 year olds putting on a show in the back yard. No Joke.

The writing is ludicrous and the directing......well.....what directing?

The person who made this should never, ever, under any circumstances work again. Ever. Never.

Downrange (2017)

Really Dumb

[2/10 · 9 May 2024]

A bunch of kids go on a ride in a station wagon. Their tire is shot out but they think they just got a flat. So now they begin to change the tire and the "fun" begins.

Only it's just really poorly done.

Real poorly.

There's supposed to be a sniper. OK. Only there is literally no gun shots. They are in a completely open field with nothing around. If there was a rifle being shot there would be gun shot echoes.

Everything about this movie is stupid and unbelievable. The bullets can go through the metal car but are stopped by a dead rotting tree stump! Come on.

Also, why does the sniper wait like 15 minutes to start picking the kids off one by one?

It's not worthy of your time.

Baby Reindeer (2024)

Was This REAL?

[4/10 · 8 May 2024]

This is a weird series. On one hand, if it was fiction, it would deserve a higher score. However, with the producers saying this is fact, it's frankly very hard to believe.

In truth, if it IS fact, I have zero sympathy for the dude. He's a mess and has no talent whatsoever either.

Bur then I read that he changed everything about Martha so she wouldn't recognize that he was writing about her! That doesn't make sense either! Does she live in a hole in the ground?

Everything about this series from the ridiculously over the top stuff that happens to him to ticking every box there is, smells fishy.

I was disappointed.

Spidarlings (2016)

Abject Garbage

[1/10 · 7 May 2024]

It is hard to imagine that anyone on Earth could believe that this movie is even marginally good. It's not. It stinks to high heavens.

The direction is quite simply HORRIBLE. It's disjointed, choppy and just plain amateurish. Not really sure how the director got the OK to helm this train wreck.

The acting is non-existent. Literally. Half the time I had no idea what was going on because the acting was so poor and the writing even poorer.

Not really sure this is actually a Troma movie. Oftentimes they buy the rights to already made bombs and release them on video to make a few bucks off them. And this movie has all the bells and whistles to one of those doosies.

Redd Foxx: Video in a Plain Brown Wrapper (1983 Video)

It's Just Not That Funny

[2/10 · 5 May 2024]

Old school comedy from Redd Foxx who made his fame from so called "blue" recording and of course his sitcom tv show.

This stand up was recorded in 1980 -- roughly 11 years before he died. He's already in rough shape, being in his early 50's and looking like 70. All out of breath, still smoking like a fiend.

The humor is less than juvenile. It's all about graphic depictions of sex, told in the lowest ways.

It's hard to believe this material was ever funny. And I'm not so sure it was, given the lack of audience. When they cut to wide shots of the audience you can plainly see that a good number of the seats toward the back and in the upper levels are empty! Guess he was no Richard Pryor.

All Hallows Eve Trickster (2023)

No Treat for Tickster

[1/10 · 5 May 2024]

This movie was made by people who quite simple do not know how to make a movie. Right out of the box you see the telltale no budget -- most of the "sets" are CGI! And not good CGI. They LOOK fake. Even the characters were processed to the point where THEY look fake.

The first 10 minutes is basically filled with high-pitched screaming woman with no point whatsoever except to provide ear shattering decimals.

Maybe they thought they were being creative, but the result is tedium.

Plus, the "stories" are completely unoriginal. Been done hundreds of time before. The only difference here is that a group of 12 year olds dressed as Halloween monsters set the stories up. Why? This isn't a kid's movie, given the violence.

To be avoided.

Chicago 10 (2007)

Stuck in the Sixties

[1/10 · 5 May 2024]

This is a really poorly movie. It may have been an interesting time in Amerikan history but this movie is far from interesting.

The makers chose to use really bad cartoons and actors to play the Chicago defendants. It doesn't work. The cartoons look nothing like the characters and their dialog is forced.

Frankly, a way better movie could have been made using only archival footage of the characters involved. It could have been truly compelling. Instead we got a really boring piece of celluloid that isn't even truthful to the events at hand.

Throughout the movie there are shots of the characters speaking to "crowds" and shots of massive numbers of people rallying. This is phony. It never happened. They inserted footage from other rallies to try to pretend these guys had such a following!

Shame on you.

And of course they never even mentioned that Jerry Rubin became a rabid capitalist after jail time ( I met him during his networking days in NYC) and Abbie Hoffman (who I always thought was the real deal) started dealing coke big time, went on the lam for years.

Red Dust (1932)

Dated and Corny

[5/10 · 5 May 2024]

Not really sure why this gets such high reviews. It's not a great movie.

Oh, yeah, it LOOKS good. Clearly money was put behind these two MGM superstars of their day. But frankly, the acting isn't all that great. Clark Gable is good, but Jean Harlow was no in my book. I think she's an over hyped actress.

And considering this was 1932 and pre-code, was hoping it would be a little more adult and risque.

And then there's the direction -- the entire movie is shot like a stage play, with all the characters yelling their corny lines in an unnatural way as if there was a live audience in the stalls straining to hear.

Vampire Vixens from Venus (1995)

Double Header

[1/10 · 2 May 2024]

This movie hits two lows -- it's got to be both the worst sex comedy and worst sex sci fi all rolled into one.

The three so-called vampires from Venus have hot bodies with giant implants the size of Ethiopia, but oddly, I didn't even recognize Michelle Bauer as one of them!

The acting also hits a new low.

So does the annoying music that is a complete distraction.

Needless to say, the direction is just the pits.

And then there's the title. Vampire Vixens? They don't seem to be Vampires at all. The endowed babes put some sort of electrical device on a guy's head and it appears that his innards get sucked out until he turns into something that looks like a pretty big raisin.

Then they dump them, but the raisin is still moving after they are found so is he still alive in some way?

I was going to shut this off because it was so bad but then I realized that Charlie Callas was in it so I waited. What on earth was he doing in this movie? Needed the money, or had to do a favor for Vito? If you're not watching carefully, you'll miss him.

Bikini Summer III: South Beach Heat (1997)

Does the Plot Really Matter?

[4/10 · 2 May 2024]

This movie is pure and simple stroke material. Nothing more and nothing less. Especially if you are 14.

A plethora of super hot, flat stomached, implanted, nose jobbed, babes who can't act parade around in too-small bikinis (or less) for 90 minutes.

The acting is horrendous -- especially the men who are the pits and the stereo typed flamer who somehow seems to like girls a bit too much for his character.

But none of that matters because we haven't come here for Shakespeare. We are waiting patiently for the interlude moments when those babes take off every widdle bit of their clothing. In that, the movie delivers every time.

Homebound (II) (2021)

Snooze-a-Rama

[1/10 · 1 May 2024]

This is perhaps the worst picture made in 2021.

In my book, it's a nothing burger. Starts off slow and than gets progressively slower, if you can imagine that.

The movie is filled with long, laborious, segments of people wandering about not speaking, but instead just staring in a perplexed fashion.

Maybe this was done consciously because the cast are horrible actors. In fact, when they open their mouths you start to cringe because the acting is so bad.

There are also huge parts of the movie with no music while there is simultaneously not talking. Done because the budget was so small?

It's produced by an entity that is known for very low budget movies that look cheap and it shows.

City After Dark (1980)

Nearly Unwatchable

[2/10 · 30 April 2024]

Why would someone or some entity pay good money to restore this movie? It's horrible. It's made like a grind house movie from the 70's so, again, why bother to restore it?

It's very poorly made and at a running time of more than two and a half hours, you'll be craving sleep soon after you start watching it.

I tried very hard to get into it but really the movie can be distilled down to endless bath and shower scenes. Who cares?

Maybe this was titillating back in the day in Manilla, but it sure isn't today. And it wasn't in the US back then either.

I was thoroughly bore out of my mind. Don't bother.

Chupacabra Terror (2005 Video)

The Shadow Critter?

[2/10 · 28 April 2024]

This is a pretty bad movie. The acting is actually OK. Acceptable, anyway, unlike many super low budget movies. Part of the reason for that is the use of some washed up seasoned actors in key roles.

But the writing is real cheesy. And the special effects -- if you cant call them that -- are truly F-level.

In fact the first kill, which happened within 5 minutes of the start is done by a shadow. How shadows can kill is something I cannot grasp.

Soon afterward you actually see the Chupacabra and it looks nothing like what we have been led to believe all these years. It's a guy in a suit that looks a bit like the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Needless to say, the direction leaves much to be desired.

Smoking Causes Coughing (2022)

Japanese Movie Made in France

[5/10 · 28 April 2024]

This is basically a Japanese genre movie with men in monster suits and Ultraman like superheroes.

It's got two basic things going for it: it's short, running at roughly 1 hour and 15 minutes AND it's briskly directed to keep your attention.

In some ways I think the audience for this movie is a kid type audience maybe not little kids but video games kids. Except that there are some gross violent scenes so maybe not.

So is it any good? It's mediocre at best. Relatively creative but the story-line gets old fast. I was sort of bored toward the middle and the boredom didn't go away until it was over.

Psyclops (2002 Video)

Ruined by the Acting

[4/10 · 27 April 2024]

I really wanted to like this movie. Actually, I really wanted to LOVE this movie.

Unfortunately the actors are so bad at acting the entire movie was ruined for me.

And it really IS unfortunate because the director has talent. It's a low budget flick and he does quite a lot with it. He's very creative and knows how to make the action keep coming. The story unfolds really nicely but then you get blocked from loving it by the really sub-par acting. And it's all of them. They are just horrible.

So unfortunate because as i say the movie is very very creatively done. It could have been great with four better actors.