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Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
Marginally Better Than a Crampy Bowel Movement
I have to give this movie a 4. Critically, it's clearly a 1 or a flat 0 but entertainment-wise, this is a movie to watch with a loved one or friends when you're in a really goofy mood. I can absolutely see this flick getting the Rocky Horror treatment with full audience participation, it's that bad. Scy-Fy recycled every single one of their worst actors and threw in Debbie Gibson for 100% camp value to create this garbled, painfully poor CGI, plot holes you can drive a truck through, nightmare of a movie. Near the end, my wife and I were laughing sooo hard, I had to come here and read the boards. The thread on alternate titles left my stomach muscles hurting I laughed so much.
I'm presently suffering from a really painful, antibiotic-induced diarrhea and I had to run to the bathroom mid-way through the film due to all of the stomach shaking comedy. I stood up after my backside exploded, looked into the toilet at the mess I'd just made - swirling around with all those colors and contrasts and odors and realized THAT was the only thing that could possibly have been worse (or conversely even more interesting) than this film. 'Nuff said.
Adventure Time (2010)
Blech
I saw this finally, for the first time, this week. The dialogue is inane and the characters are beyond silly, bordering on stupid. The animation looks like something from a PBS morning show. I wasn't impressed and I wasn't alone. My wife saw 15 seconds and loudly pronounced "THIS IS AWFUL! Why are you watching it??!" Blech.
This entire project needs an overhaul. Add a lot more dimensions to the characters, get some less grating voice talent and develop stories that are actually interesting to watch.
Do that and you may find an audience that stays beyond the first week of premiers.
Journey to the Center of the Earth (1993)
I'm so SICK of the "Dr. Claw" Voice given to EVERY BAD GUY!!
Since the early 80s, it seems the only way to convey a "bad guy" in a sci-fi movie is to use a guttural, speaking-while-burping, type voice most commonly associated with Dr. Claw in the cartoon version of "Inspector Gadget". That voice is SO PLAYED now that I literally have to just stop whatever is using it and walk away because I find it so annoying and irritating. This movie had a chance, albeit a tiny one, for me as I enjoy sci-fi with a good larf to it but that chance evaporated as soon as the "bad guy" made his appearance and sounded like Dr. Claw. It's weak, stupid, trite, LAZY and awful. NO MORE DOCTOR CLAW PLEASE!!!! Please, God, PLEASE!! LOL What a star studded cast too. Justina Evans, who's been associated with all things silly, was a nice add. Poor John Neville, who must have rued the day he signed the contract for this A-Bomb, could have saved this. And my favorite, Tim Russ from "Star Trek: Voyager" - who also could have saved this.
Why did this potential serial fail? First, because they went with a script that had no ending! Even if you plan on sequels or an entire TV series, the big "crisis" that draws the audience in has to have some kind of resolution with an obvious hint that more such adventures are to come. This movie just dead-ended with plot holes everywhere you could drive a truck through. Second, the special effects were just god-awful. "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" was out at this exact same time and even with a different nose prosthesis for each species separating out the various space characters (Note to Star Trek, be more creative please! Tentacles shouldn't be out of the question), the special effects in DS9 were infinitely better than this piece of dog doo! Honestly - drooling, fanged-manta-ray puppets?! C'MON! Last, BORING! This was so god awful boring and silly and hokey and just inspidly stupid it never should have seen a millisecond on air. Worst movie EVER! (And I sat through all of "Howard the Duck" - IN THE THEATRE!) You know what's really sad? To date, the 1959 version of this title still sets the high bar. Even the most recent production wasn't as interesting to me as the original. Sad.
I gladly give this a 1. They got it the old fashioned way, they EARNED it. *grin*
Urgh! A Music War (1981)
Made me the Punk I am Today
In the 80s, there were some REALLY good movies about the underground music/art scene - Mondo New York, Decline of Western Civilization and Urgh! (just to name a few) but Urgh! takes the cake for me. I put it above the rest because it's all JUST about the music. No blah blah blah...no commercial bull flop - no NOTHING but music and some of the AMAZING musicians that were out performing at the time.
I did not like the Police getting 3 tracks however. That smacked of some favoritism but since they were the deep pockets at the time, anything less probably would have resulted in no movie at all. That's why God gave us the Fast Forward and Skip buttons I believe. LOL.
Watching this movie gives you a brief albeit somewhat lacking skim of the entire punk/new wave scene at the time, but given the ocean of music that was out there when I was a young pup, it's probably the best possible collaboration given the time and money available for production. It is a MUST VIEW for any music aficionado. Rapidly moving from Wall of Voodoo to Pere Ubu to XTC to OMD and on and on and on is like watching your young life go by (if you were born in the 60s *grin*) on Fast Forward and it is WONDERFUL! That said, it's heartbreaking now to see how young and talented all those folks were and how few remain relevant today...but music today is EXACTLY what Jello Biafra predicted in would be: "If you don't keep your eyes open...you'll be forced to buy skinny tie...pop bands". Well, the skinny ties are mostly gone - but today's bubblegum, idiotic pop music is all powerful and sickening - gone is the creative, roaring flame of the late 70s/early 80s music scene - replaced with vapidness like Britney Spears et al.
Urgh! was and still is a testament to what great music and culture are all about. It's an irreproducible miracle of the modern age and we will never see anything like it again short of a new age of enlightenment affecting all mankind. Find it! Watch it! PRESERVE it! COVET IT!! I give it two thumbs up, a snap, a circle twist and 4 zillion stars.
Titus (1999)
I'm totally conflicted about this movie...
The first thing that popped into my mind as I watched this film was that it reminded me a good deal of the 1987 movie "Aria". The subject of that movie was of course completely different to the one here, but the artistic adaptations were in some ways very similar.
The reason that I'm so conflicted about this movie is that it is visually stunning but it's also a bit of a train-wreck with most of the movie being inspired by (or stolen from) "Aria", "The Wall", "The Silence of the Lambs", "The Cook, the Thief, his Wife and her Lover", "A Clockwork Orange" and a whole host of other movies. I couldn't shake the question "who's the kid and why is here there?". Yes yes...he's the observer giving image to text...but the vehicle just did not work for me. Sorry about that.
I remember a review of Joel Schumacher's 1997 "Batman & Robin", with the reviewer referring to the movie as being 'a gay "Fantasia"' - which was true and very, very funny. I wish the reviewer had saved that little gem for a couple of years and applied it to THIS film instead. I do not mean that as an insult or slight to anyone in my community (yes, I am a 'family' member too), but at times the overbearing swish of the Emperor and the Queen's sons were too much to take for ME and that's REALLY saying something! Consider the scene near the end of Act I - the one with Alan Cumming in the background, at the bottom of the stairs, sipping and sipping and sipping a glass of seemingly endless wine (how many times did they shoot that scene???)...his over-accentuation of flamboyance, constantly rocking back and forth and flipping his hair back distracted me from every word of the dialogue. You're IN THE BACKGROUND NOW...be still and let the other actors draw the attention...very bad direction there if you ask me. I think I might have actually been offended by the constant "uber gay-ness" of some of the characters...I have no explanation for that...it just bothered me. Something for my next therapy session I'm sure.
Lastly, the juxtaposition of time periods EVERYWHERE with characters flashing in and out of different wardrobes every 5 milliseconds was too over the top...gave me a headache actually. Just a tiny bit of continuity here or there would really have given the film some foundation.
All the negativity aside, I can't give it less than a 5. Anthony Hopkins was BRILLIANT here and he was so despite finding the creative process not only difficult but so heinous as to nearly end his career! Harry Lennix was deliciously evil and I did enjoy seeing his cum-uppance. Jessica Lange was a PERFECT Tamora. Last, but not least, Colm Feore was a tour de force. Colm caught my eye a long time ago when he played 'Legion' in Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" and he almost saved that wretched film "Chronicles of Riddick". He's a vastly under-utilized talent and I look forward to any other projects he and Anthony Hopkins work on together. They're just wonderful actors that really compliment each other.
I recommend this as leisurely viewing for couples with time on their hands. There's a LOT to talk about here. The duration, complexity and content could possibly put a damper on any kind of group setting though and this one is NOT for the kids - so keep your children safe and don't lose any friends - watch something else instead.