duffyboy666 Reviews

Monster a Go-Go (1965)

Here's my review of this movie. Well actually, it never happened.

[1/10 · 13 April 2006]

In order for you to understand why I wrote such a bizarre title to this movie review, you will need to have seen the movie first. Bizarre insane logic it would seem. But that's Bill Rebane for you. Oh yeah.

Bill Rebane had a terrible film project, however he ran out of cash halfway through it. On the other side of the fence Hershall Gordon Lewis was in the same position with his terrible movie project. Often negative to negative repels but for some mad insane reason, they attract and Lewis and Rebane had a combined project named Monster A Go Go.

Rebane himself actually dubbed this picture "The Worst Movie of all time". It may not be the worst movie of all time but it is most certainly the stupidest and most unnecessary to be conveived. Two partially-completed movies, atrocious special-effects and abominable post-processing that is weaved together with insane voice-overs. Does not a good movie make my friend.

Here's a brief description of the first hour or so of this movie. The plot revolves around a Monster that is supposedly attacking people. In Every scene there is little or nothing happening and there are long periods of enedless silence and boredom, complete with above said bad special effects.

And if say that there is an "action scene" where the monster attacks, The monster attacks off camera and you never actually see it happening! Example: A science laboratory is completely trashed in one scene, the scene before had nothing to do with said lab and then before that, the lab was completely fine!

Then we get to the last ten minutes after suffering for an hour, The two main characters begin to follow the monster down a tunnel for what seems like an eternity. It appears that we might finally get to see some action.....until this happens.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

THE MONSTER JUST DISSAPPEARS AND APPARENTLY NEVER EXISTED. No joke folks. That's how it ended. 69 minutes of boredom, and then on 70 it tells you that it never even happened. Bravo! This simply isn't a movie folks. It is a torture device.

Don't watch this film.

Date Movie (2006)

Welcome to Jyparody!

[1/10 · 13 April 2006]

Duffyboy: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show! Please meet our contestant. Hank!

Audience: *Applause*

Hank: It's good to be here Duffyboy!

Duffyboy: OK, You understand the rules of the game?

Hank: Sure thing Duffyboy, fire away!

Duffyboy: OK I'll start with a practice question.

Question: A magnificent and charming man dedicated solely to sifting through the worst of what the multiplex has to offer.

Hank: Who is Duffyboy?

Audience: *Applause*

Duffyboy: Nice one son! And now it's time to call up the board. What specialist subject will you like to take?

Hank: OK I'll start with a £10,000 question.

Question: A movie mainly aimed for comedy fans during the Valentines day period.

Hank: What is Date Movie?

Duffyboy: Correct for £10,000!

Audience: *Applause*

Hank: OK now I'll move on to £25,000.

Question: These two men are in fact directing their debut effort.

Hank: Who are Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer?

Duffyboy: Well done, here's your £25,000!

Hank: And another £25,000 next please.

Question: 'When Harry Met Mr. & Mrs. Smith at My Legally Blonde Best Friend's Big Fat Greek Wedding in Sweet Home Alabama, which was Crashed by King Kong, Shallow Hal, Napoleon Dynamite, and Bridget Jones as Hitch discovered What Women Want: How To Say Anything To Lose A Guy In Ten Days whenever they Meet the Parents and Kill Bill.

Hank: What is the long scientific expression of Date Movie's title?

Duffyboy: Well done you're doing superb!

Audience: *Applause*

Hank: Right now let's move onto the tough ones. £50,000! Question: It's a series of famous moments from movies that may or may not actually be romantic comedies, and then makes a satire of them as if it were concocted by ten-year olds who had never seen the original pictures.

Hank: What is the significant flaw of Date Movie?

Duffyboy: Correct, and for a bonus £15,000

Bonus: They ought to be sued for this type of behaviour.

Hank: What ought to be done to the directors for ripping off Scary Movie and bastardising it?

Duffyboy: Damn you're too freaking good!

Hank: Well then, hit me with another £50,000!

Question: Bought in to desperately inject some life into this movie. She's trying her best but alas to no avail.

Hank: What the hell is Allyson Hannigan doing in this atrocity?! Duffyboy: Sweet!

*The show continues until Hank gets to £500,000.*

Duffyboy: OK Hank, you've done well so far but this is the big one. If you get this right, you double up to £1m and win this fabulous sports car. If not, you're £500,000 is gone. Do you want to gamble?

Hank: How can I possibly lose? I'm going for it!

Duffyboy: You are a brave man. Here we go.

*The studio turns completely dark as the question is asked*

Question: You know what? I have't a clue either.

Hank: Errrrrm.....errrrrm......I think it would be.....Why would anyone ever want to watch this?

Audience: *graons*.

Duffyboy: Awwww bad luck Hank! No. The correct answer is, HOW COULD THESE BASTARDS EVEN F**KING LIVE WITH THEMSELVES AFTER PRODUCING SUCH S**T, NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT THEY ALREADY RIPPED OFF SCARY MOVIE, THEN EXPECTED A PAID F**KING AUDIENCE TO SIT AND BE SATISFIED WITH SUCH B*LLOCKS?

Hank: Oops!

Duffyboy: Ah well, you get the consolation prize. A DVD copy of Date Movie! Security, show him out! And now a word from our sponsors!

Sponsor: Don't watch this film.

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006)

Words fail me

[1/10 · 1 April 2006]

Normally when a new bad movie comes out, it usually sky rockets up the bottom 100 list. This is mainly just a trendy thing. You Got Served, Bloodrayne and From Justin to Kelly were among these unlucky ones. Oh sure they were bad movies alright, terrible movies to be blunter. But when you looked at the movies like Red Zone Cuba, Gigli and of course Manos, you couldn't really rate them as that bad.

NOT THIS TIME

Think of the most horrible, hateful put down you could ever attach to anyone and anything and it still wouldn't do Larry The Cable Guy justice. That's right folks. 40 years on and finally, Manos is now the world number two on the chart. This movie is the biggest piece of s**t to ever stink up the theatre. It is so jaw droppingly, blood-boilingly bad that you wouldn't even serve it to your most hated emnemy.

Not only is Larry The Cable Guy the single worst most horrible movie of all time, but it is the spawn of the single worst most horrible idea of all time. The plot involves a series of food poisonings at the city's best restaurants, with the All City Top Chef contest just days away. It's up to Larry and Butlin to figure out who's sabotaging the competition, even if it means taking on the breast-obsessed mayor.

Got that folks? It's another toilet humor film which sucks! And it's another film directed by a first timer (Trent Cooper)! See Deuce Bigalow for reference! In the first five minutes of the redneck comedian's film debut, we see Larry urinating on himself in the shower, flashing his butt crack, having a flatulence attack in front of his boss, and referencing the smell of "strawberry douche." At this point I turn unto God and ask "Why?" Why does Hollywood keep doing this with impunity!

Trent Cooper is only there to keep the movie in focus (he even fails that at times) and to make certain there are enough fart jokes to keep the overlong running time rumbling. Seriously, you could make DVD chapters out of the number of times Larry -- or anybody, really -- makes with the southern thunder. That is how awful this movie is. It can't even save itself with fart jokes.

Larry The Cable Guy is truly the worst movie of all time. It should be driven to a quiet spot, forced to kneel down and be shot through the head. That'll learn it!

NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Hudson Hawk (1991)

As far as violent chocolate commercials go, this really isn't up there with the likes of....what?....oh right.

[2/10 · 14 March 2006]

Please feel free to read the opening line again people. Has that sunk in? Do you feel the urge to scream, what in the holy living hell is he on about? You should do because Hudson Hawk is a dreadful, product placement veichle for Bruce Willis to mug the camera and do over the top things.

It's a vanity project, and it's a shining example of what happens when people with power just don't give a rat's ass. Uncouth, grating, overblown, unfocused, and just plain unbearable. Hudson Hawk is the kind of movie made by stuck up, overpaid, clueless bastards with money to burn.

Eddie Hawkins (Willis) is the Hudson Hawk, the greatest cat-burglar who ever lived and he has been blackmailed by the CIA and an OTT camp villain couple called The Mayflowers (Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard). Against his will he is shipped off to Rome (literally) to steal some of DaVinci's greatest works. His friend Tommy (Danny Aiello) and an undercover nun (Andie MacDowell) assist him as he robs the Vatican and tries to shake off a bunch of MTV-generation CIA agents called the Candy Bars (Kit-Kat, Butterfinger, Snickers and Almond Joy).

What a load of total and complete trash. If it were a TV programme over in the UK it would be pulled by authorities for such product placement and ridiculous garbage.

Don't watch this film.

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

Hey my great British citizens. I watched this horrible horrible nasty piece of crap so that you don't ever have to.

[1/10 · 27 February 2006]

Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Oh how we cheered long and hard when American Idol were announcing that they were going to make a movie based on the two previous champions in each series. Didn't we all think it would be fantastic that Kelly Clarkson and Justin would get their name in lights in a musical picture! How we were desperate to see what would surely be a masterpiece! But of course if we knew how the movie would turn out, we'd proffered them to stick to singing.

Wait a minute....we already DID prefer that! Because you and I both know folks that American Idol absolutely completely and totally sucks. But of course, Robert Iscove was too heartless to listen to our pleas and distributed this disaster to US theatres.

From Justin to Kelly is, yes thats right, another graduate from the pop stars film project university. Like fellows Mariah, Usher and J'lo; Justin and Kelly have mastered the art of bad film making. Terrible acting, predictable plot, shameful lip syncing, poor direction and vapid sugar coated soundtrack, marketed for imbeciles and twits.

From Justin to Kelly is a bad bad movie. It sucked. It's not top ten bad but it's not far outside.

Bad Boys II (2003)

Move over Pearl Harbour because Michael Bay has now truly out mastered himself in sheer badness.

[1/10 · 27 February 2006]

I don't think this side of In the Mix, Monster A Go Go, Red Zone Cuba and Gigli have I seen a movie quite as stunningly, magnificently awful as Bad Boys 2. Oh sure there's been stinkers like Alone in the dark and In The Mix but Jesus holy Harold Christ in a sidecar this was horrendous, even if it was just because it's plain stupid and grotesque.

Bad Boys II is directed by the same complete and utter scumbag who directed Pearl Harbour and Armageddon, Michael Bay. Let me give you a sample of Bay's "work". Endless blowing s**t up, killing people for a laugh, no shot lasting for more than 5 seconds, plot that warbles out of control, and of course, the characters looking stupid.

In order to get an example of why Bad Boys 2 is so appalling, we need to look at why Bad Boys 1 was for the most part good. Despite having a thin plot and lots of over the top action, Bad Boys 1 was still passable as at least a good rental. It didn't try to be anything that it wasn't and at least the two main characters (Smith and Larwence) stayed in their funny comedy character, as well as playing the serious parts.

And that's what upsets me most about this hateful mess. The fact that that WS & ML, two people that I have always respected and enjoyed on stage, have had their characters completely and utterly bastardised. Will Smith who is always capable of entertaining without foul language (Example: Bel Air), has been reduced to not only swearing more than a Glasgow Docker, but also endlessly saying the N word (which might I add he appears afraid to use). And Larwence who can not only entertain but play serious roles with finesse (Example: Blue Streak), is reduced to a boring drone.

But of course the actual representation of each character is the least of the paid cinema customer's worry. You see when Michael Bay decides to commission a scene involving death, he explores it in any way possible, in such a grotesque fashion that you'd think he actually enjoys seeing people die. Here's a couple of things that Bay thinks are appropriate for such a film.

1) An entire hillside village of Cubans are wiped out just so our heroes can poke fun at the carnage.

2) Naked corpses being leered at for sexual gratification. Fun.

3) More corpses tossed onto the highway during a car chase.

OK, Now that Bay has beaten you to death, it's time for him to show you what he feels about sex.

1) Two rats screwing in an attic as Bay's camera lingers on what he's sure is a brilliantly conceived sight gag! 2) A 15-year-old boy threatened with a handgun as he's offered anal sex from the movie's hero.

And of course that camera angles. Slow motion shots of bullets, areal shots that make nothing out, and of course, Will Smith and Martin Larwence endlessly mugging the camera for the entire TWO AND A HALF FREAKIN HOURS. Yes folks, this painful experience was edited to last two and a half hours, explaining the dreadful editing jobs and slow motion crap.

Ladies and Gentleman, Bay has not only matched his average of vile content such as in Pearl Harbour and Armageddon, he's trebled it! There truly isn't a film quite like Bad Boys II. The fact that any paid audience would opt to suffer through two and a half hours of this disaster defies belief.

Michael Bay, Duffyboy salutes you, you are one evil bastard.

Don't watch this film.

Glitter (2001)

Come gather round, and watch a pop star annihilate her career in one flick of her fingers!

[1/10 · 30 December 2005]

I want to laugh. Really I do. And I want to laugh hard.

I shouldn't really because this movie absolutely slaughtered a woman's music career and landed her in a mental hospital. But I am just desperate to laugh my head off, either that or burst into a fit of tears.

Have I gone insane? Has reviewing so many crap movies finally tipped me off the edge? No. All it is is that Glitter is an absolute turkey. If you whacked it with stuffing and served it with potatoes on Thanksgiving, your Aunt Mildred wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

This move is as awful as everyone said it would be. I'm surprised that Blockbuster isn't selling it for £0.01p The movie is supposed to take place in 1983 but the plot is so predictable you know what's going to happen after watching the opening credits. Billie Frank abandoned by her mother and sent to a group home is going to grow up and MAKE IT BIG. On this journey down the yellow brick road to the riches her manager "Dice", two group home buddies and a cat that replaces Toto. Sadly the cat is smart enough to split halfway through this nightmare of a film and not come back until near the final act. If only I were as lucky as he is.

The film is a 24 carat vanity project just like Spice World, Crossroads, Gigli and In The Mix etc.... This type vehicle is not for "actors" nor discovering "acting ability" - its more a stand, pose in an outfit, smile and lip sync your way through the horrible script. It's wrong. It's a crime. And it should be banned.

And eventually Mariah Carey ended up not with Glitter in her eyes, but with tears. Thankfully for her she's managed to resurrect her career with that We Belong Together song but the scars are still there.

Overall, "Glitter" is a pathetic piece of cinema and a very meaningful failure for Mariah Carey. Shallow, narcissistic, cliché, stupidly dramatic, badly acted, with average directing, "Glitter" is, in the purest meaning of the word, a WASTE of time.

Don't watch this film.

In the Mix (2005)

I got a confession to make......This is actually worse than Alone in the Dark

[1/10 · 7 December 2005]

The contender ship for my worst movie of 2005 was poised on a knife edge between two truly appalling movies. Deuce Bigalow and Alone In The Dark. It truly was going to be a tough one to decide between a bad comedy, and a bad horror film, both are two evils that take some effort (or cocaine) to pull off.

However that debate is now finally settled. Because thanks to RnB star, Usher Raymond, or better just known as Usher, we now know which out of those two movies will win my award for worst movie of 2005.

Neither.

In The Mix, Usher's screen debut is a movie that I will only ever watch again if stapled to the floor with a gun pointed into my head and my eyelids forced open. Bar Gigli, it is the worst pop star movie ever created on this earth and gives some of my top ten all time worst a damn good run for their money.

As I told you in my review of Gigli, Pop stars can not act. There's a whole shelf on Blockbuster Video chock-full of evidence of this. And in this case, this is not just any old pop star we are talking about folks. This is the dark world known as Usher, a man whose entire CV is living testimony to the fact that talent, quality and decency are not needed to become famous on this earth.

So it's now time to ask John Raymond (the director of this joke) the £1m question. "What in the sweet blue living hell were you smoking when you allowed Usher not just to act in this movie, but be an EXECUTIVE PRODUCER in it also?" OK, so even if Usher wasn't on this team the movie would still suck anyway but we really need to draw the line at Pop Stars directing their own dreadful movies as well as acting.

And speaking of the acting and role play. Lifeless, and so unbelievably stereotypical and unoriginal that it actually features a gangster CALLED Fat Toni! Where's Normski when you need him! It's boring, poorly conceived and just plain painful to look at and suffer.

But what I hate the most about this movie, is the same thing I hate about all of these type of movies. Self Indulgence. It's bad enough with the likes of Carey and J'Lo pushing these vanity projects just to make some more cash, but when the celebrity is as truly awful as Usher is it's beyond hate. It's vitriolic rage.

If you must watch this trash, please, please find some way of doing so for free. Even if your intent is to heckle it, make sure that you don't give either a cinema ticket booth or a DVD retailer even dime. Because your money is going to Usher. And if you in any way knowingly give your money to this talentless imbecile, then you are a dead set moron. Better still.....

Don't watch this film.

PS: To those who gave it good reviews. Get A Life.

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Um. You're kidding right Jerry? "Oh no Sean I'm not kidding. I DID survive a lawsuit just to get this atrocity in lights!"

[1/10 · 27 November 2005]

People who rip other popular concepts off just to make a fast buck at the theatres really ought to be locked away in a special form of Colditz camp and never heard from again. The usual result is that their movie sucks and should never ever see the light of day unless it's to be heckled, a la Swimfan at my friends 18th party.

With this in mind it is time for a Mr Jerry Warren to step forward. By 1966 Jerry Warren had a string of bad movies to his name already. So what better thing to do by then? No not retire, rip off the infamous Batman series starring Adam West by changing the sex of the character! This of course resulted in a lawsuit and the title of the film was changed to "She Was A Hippie Vampire" meaning it could now masquerade as a horror flick.

If it were up to me I too would file a lawsuit against it. No, not because of the movie title. But because anyone who rips off the 60's Batman (one my my childhood memories) and then butchers it in such a contemptible way ought to be sued for every last penny they owe! WWOB is a truly appalling movie, one of those movies that subjects your brain to a mind screw!

I found it hard to decide what was worse. This hateful garbage, or the stunningly awful Catwoman with Halle Berry. I go with this as being worse because although it's shorter, it's far worse in quality. Catwoman took a DC comic character and turned it inside out and created a mess. WWOB took a whole genre and created an antidote to it! It's not scary! There's no action! It's boring, it's cheesy, it's terrible! It's not a horror or action film. It's a mess!

Remember what your kids use to make Nickelodeon movies? Just by cutting snippets and putting them together. That's what this is like. Nothing at all makes sense, it's just an excuse to string together all sorts of crap together and have scantily clad bimbos act it out.

Well when I say ACT i mean it very loosely. Never has acting been so wooden and boring. "Gee Bat.Girl. We.Should.Warn.The.Police.Of.This.Crime." or something like that. Oh and by the way, yes it does sound like that,

And YES! That line was actually spoken in a superhero horror film! The girls actually let the POLICE solve their crimes? Ever seen Batman and Superman get it that easy? No. And there's a reason for that! Again, it's mind boggling how this ever got a seal of approval!

I'll tell you what, don't ever, ever watch this film. It's just truly awful. OK? Just don't.

Red Zone Cuba (1966)

The central and most fearsome head of Coleman Francis crapness hydra. You've been warned.

[1/10 · 26 November 2005]

Say if all movie directors were placed into a league like the English football divisions. What you would probably end up with is Stephen Spielberg at the top of the Premiership, and then you would have Ed Wood and Uwe Boll languishing in the League Two. And then you would have a man called Coleman Francis who would bee two dire to get into your local pub team.

Huh? Surely you mean Hal Warren you say? Well here's the deal. Hal Warren made the worst ever movie, simply on an off chance because he was in delirium didn't KNOW what he was doing. However Coleman Francis simply didn't CARE what he was doing, and thusly managed to direct THREE absolutely atrocious movies! (All of them ripped apart by Joel and MST3K) At least Hal Warren knew where to stop!

The Beast Of Yucca Flats came first. Then Skydivers that was even worse. And then came the worst most disgraceful of the trio, Red Zone Cuba. Frankly I am stunned that anyone pumped any money into this...this...thing! I defy you now to imagine a movie made up completely of deleted scenes from hundreds of other flop movies from the early 60's....

Hard to imagine isn't it! But it happened. And it's here for me to review, such is my desire to find the worst movies of all time. And though nothing has topped Manos the Hands Of Fate for overall bad quality, this sure wins hands down in the boring, plot less & messy department.

Imagine a dream movie cast for an action movie. You'd probably get Orlando Bloom, Harrison Ford and Keira Knightley. Now I want you to imagine the complete and total opposite. You would end up with these three bozos.

John Carradine: A man with a bad movie CV the length of The Wall Of China. As I've always said, a leopard cant change their spots, and a crap actor can't either.

Anthony Cardoza: Helped to direct and produce this mess. Another survivor from Skydivers. (Must have landed flat!)

Coleman Francis: Like Anthony Cardoza, survived Skydivers and directed this and played embarrassingly badly.

So what do we do with this cast of crapness? Put them in a story so unbelievably weak that it wall fall if stretched under a paperweight bridge! Coleman Francis and his merry men decide to invade Cuba with a whopping army of...*puff*...*pant* SEVEN soldiers, and end up getting captured. Believablilty? Quality Control? What's that Daddy?

Regrettably the three main characters later escape and go out on a random killing spree for no reason at all (is this how the happy slap started) until thank heavens, Coleman is shot through the head, the only watchable part of the movie. And as for the lighting, soundtrack and editing of this whole debacle? Well I'm a man of few words, but the only words I can use to describe this department are unrepeatable.

If you are going to watch this film then make sure, on the peril of death, that you watch it with either MST3K present, or if you are drunk with a crowd of pals. And then afterwards, discard it and smash it to pieces with a sledgehammer. Oh and burn it just to be safe.

Don't watch this film.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh! Make it stop! Please, please, please make it stop!

[1/10 · 26 November 2005]

Alone In The Dark is one BAD movie and tied with Deuce Bigalow for worst movie of the year. I wish that was ALL I had to say but of course the IMDb stipulates a word count and all that.

I'm in two minds about what kind of bad movie is a worse kind of bad movie. A low budget dreck like Red Zone Cuba, Monster A Go Go and Manos. Or a huge budget disgrace like Gigli, Superbabies or this guff. You see movies like Monster A Go Go and Manos happen because the director hasn't a clue. Movies like this happen because the director is a stupid, money grabbing idiot who simply doesn't care about his audience.

It's more shocking when you consider that Uwe Boll (The mastermind behind this shocking crap and already has some real garbage under his belt) has created something that only happens once in a blue moon. The really terribly bad horror film. Everything about it is a mess. Cheesy CGI, bad plot, insane random camera cuts and appalling soundtrack.

Alone In The Dark is a dreadful movie that should be watched by absolutely nobody. Woo hoo! Review over. Give me a bud, roll on 2006 and may I NEVER speak of this again.

Don't watch this film.

Street Fighter (1994)

Makes the bastardisation of Batman by Joel Schumacher look like a fine tuning job!

[1/10 · 21 November 2005]

If you were to ever walk into a video games arcade in the early to mid 90's, you would often come across the game known as Street Fighter. Made by Capcom, it's what passed for Tekken in those days although it's still kinda going now. It's a basic 2D fighting game like Mortal Kombat (without the gore) although 3D versions were released in the late 90's Playstation era.

And yeah it had its moments. I remember Christmas 95' when the New Challengers version was released. Hours of fun of me and my brother kicking each others heads in over the second controller! Although one memory that it would do well to forget ever happened, would be the reason why you're reading this review in the first place, it's movie based on the series.

Street Fighter the Movie is like the first turn on the left as you drive along Hollywood's tunnel of shame. With Red Zone Cuba, Manos and Gigli being at the far depths....but hey let's not go there of course. It is a truly awful horrible film that deserves no part whatsoever in anyone's movie collection, with the exception of Joel and the bots.

I know I'm often one to talk about dubious achievements so I might as well get this little tid-bit out of the way. Street Fighter the Movie is the worst ever movie based on a video game. And the video game based on this movie, is the worst ever video game based on a movie! Amazing how it holds both titles.

Remember how most sensible Batman fans felt after seeing what Joel Schumacher did to the caped crusader? That's how Street Fighter fans will have felt after seeing this hateful wreck. It takes all the characters, stories and personalities and puts them in a blender. And then decides to convey them with some awful F-Grade actors and terrible role play.

Now one of the excuses that the producers of this mess gave was that they weren't sure how to fit people into roles and find the right actors with a low budget. Fraid that doesn't pass Pedro. Just look at the original Mortal Kombat movie. It was no masterpiece, but it still stuck the the roots or the games story and considering it was a low budget, they didn't do all that badly in terms or actors and personalities, and the finished product (although formulaic) was tolerable.

Anyone who even has a rough idea of the Street Fighter games before this was released would be able to tell you the following three things. 1) Ken and Ryu are the main characters. 2) Guile is an All- American boy scout. And 3) Chun Li was one of the weakest characters in the game apart from her lightning kick.

OK....So why Mr Director, even though even the most average gamer knows these three things, how come 1) Ryu and Ken take a back seat as B-characters?! 2) Guile is a muscle bound machine with a french accent?! 3) Chun Li is one of the best fighters?! To call the casting bad is an understatement!

Which brings me onto the two main players in this debacle. Raul Julia and Jean Claude Van Damme. Raul Julia was ill during this movie and was in no position to play the top bad guy, M.Bison. Whose role is reduced from super-villain to a mere crime boss! And since JCVD is playing a character that he's nothing in common with, the result?....The final fight scene is basically JCVD destroying M.Bison.

You're telling me that THAT passes as a final fight scene? Get out of here. As a matter of fact, I think I'll get out of here. Look at any other video game action movie, particularly Mortal Kombat or Doom and you'll see where this appalling movie went wrong.

Don't Watch This Movie.

You Got Served (2004)

Got Served? I sure did!

[2/10 · 12 October 2005]

Let me tell you a little story. It comes in two parts. Once you've read them both, put them in the correct order.

1) One evening, they decided to put together the concept for their movie. They would have actors from two pop music groups to pose as gangsters, both with a dream of making it big in the dance/hip hop scene. They would cast the actors into two rival groups that would eventually double cross each other and fight until they reach a grand climax in the final contest between the two, where eventually, all is happy and the two bury the hatchet and ride off into the sunset. They believed that this would make a spectacular Summer movie and would gain approval from the public and it's target audience and be a sure-fire hit at the box office.

2) A group of money hungry, corporate tossers, led by a clueless imbecile named Chris Stokes, decided to go completely out of their depth and try to make a summer blockbuster, after hitting about 20 shots of LSD.

OK, Was your answer 2-1? Correct. You see, You Got Served is the sort of film that will be waiting for you down in the pits of hell. Satan will even give you a comfy chair and widescreen TV, as sitting on a bed of hot coals would be too much of a pleasant distraction.

The only defence I'll have of this vile, pop marketed, hateful garbage is that it didn't deserve to top Manos the Hands Of Fate at number one when it did. Even after 40 years, Manos has no parallel in terms of badness. But it's still an awful movie that deserves the panning it received.

Don't watch this film.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)

F**k off

[1/10 · 21 August 2005]

What exactly is Hollywood and it's resident cast of highly paid men and women trying to pull? Atrocious, worst ever contender movies are usually only released several years apart of each other. However since the turn of the millennium, we've had at least one or two movies per year that attempts to challenge Manos for the crown of worst movie ever!

In 2003 it was the loathsome vanity project Gigli. In 2004 Catwoman became the fall of Halle Berry. Now as we reach the halfway point in this decade, the spotlight falls on one Deuce Bigalow, by far and large, the surefire, shoe-in worst movie of 2005.

Do you remember a film that was compressed full of shouting, toilet jokes, pointless sick humour and downright deplorable? That's right Tom Green's Freddy Got Fingered. Basically my point is that we already have ONE movie like that. We don't need another one! But of course, the sick twisted people at Hollywood's creative department wouldn't listen to our pleas and once again the box office is infested with another summer sickener to rank with Batman & Robin, Star Wars Phtntom Menace et al.

I think I'd better point out at this point that this film is actually Mike Bigalow's first ever directing job. So talk about a fast learner! Maybe we've a new Hal Warren! Bigalow believes that combining toilet humour, foul language, bodily functions, awful plot and half assed acting will guarantee a major summer success.....right.

What Bigalow hadn't figured was that people would hate this kind of vile celluloid with a passion and begin calling for refunds, moments of their life back & probably not surprisingly, Bigalow's head! Rob Scheider (normally quite competent) ought to be hanging his head in shame after turning in this woeful performance. And it will count against him this time. Affleck and Lopez were slaughtered for ages over Gigli and Schneider could face the same backlash. His recent CV is starting to look blotted.

The rest of the acting is very poor and the dialogue and plot can only be summed up in two words. Bloody Awful. For instance in one scene, a man eats chips out of a toilet and smacks himself with a wooden leg, over & over & over until the viewer begs for mercy or falls asleep. How I long to see Tom Green whack his paraplegic girlfriend over the legs again.....ahhhh.

Deuce Bigalow goes up against 40 Year Old Virgin in the box office, another raunchy R-rated comedy in which the humour is based on a certain apprehensiveness towards female sexuality. However 40YOV treats the subject properly. Deuce Bigalow treats it with a disrespect of such magnitude, you feel like jamming sandpaper over your balls!

Deuce Bigalow is by a country mile the worst movie of 2005 and another harsh lesson that toilet humour doesn't wash anymore in this millennium. Freddy Got Fingered is so bad it's good. Deuce Bigalow is so bad it's soul destroying.

Do Not Watch This Film.

Batman & Robin (1997)

Quick Robin, To the Bat-Cave! We must hide our heads in shame!

[2/10 · 22 June 2005]

What does Batman's first blockbuster movie in 1989 have in common with Batman the movie of the 1960's? That's right, nothing. They don't in any way whatsoever mix. Joel Schumacher unfortunately assumes otherwise.

You see, this is supposed to be the fourth instalment in the blockbuster Batman series. So it needs to follow the trend of Batman, Batman Returns and for some part, Batman Forever. The dark, Gothic caped crusader must be there. The storyline must be based centred on Batman fighting crime to avenge the death of his parents and protect the innocent. And most importantly, you must have some kind of plot that follows the dark knight style trend and is at least to some extent believable. Sadly Joel Schumacher has mixed barely even a quarter of this, together with a huge dollop Adam Wests camp fest of the sixties. And the result truly is a complete mess.

Twatman & Bobbins would probably be the best title for this over-hyped big budget disgrace. Joel Schumacher and George Clooney have completely ruined what Tim Burton & Michael Keaton had begun. What Keaton and Burton achieved was magnificent, this is quite frankly a shameful joke.

So where to begin. Well we might as well start with the plot and storyline. Anyone who thought Superman IV had the worst plot of any action movie ought to check this out. Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) wants to steal diamonds to save his cryogenically frozen wife, while the beautifully evil Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), yet again another product of a nasty lab accident, who wants to rid the world of humans so the plants can take back their own. The ridiculous nonsense is complete when Ivy decides Mr. Freeze is the man for her. This folks simply isn't what I would by any means call a dark Gothic Batman plot. All I can see is a whole giant bat-pile of suck.

But oh dear it gets far worse! And then there's Robin (Chris O'Donnell), who wants his own Batsignal, which causes our bat buddies to bicker while Alicia Silverstone steps up to the plate as Batgirl with little more effort than a butt jiggle. There's also a lot of bat babble about the importance of family. It is here that I feel I should make the point that Chris O' Donnel is the single most annoying person I have ever seen play any role WHATSOEVER in an action film. EVER.

Batman and Robin continues to expand on the flaw that has plagued the Batman series since Batman Returns: too many characters, and not enough time to develop them. Whereas the original Batman had three main characters, Batman Returns had four, and Batman Forever had five, now Batman and Robin has six main characters, four of whom have never been seen before (not counting George Clooney's take on the caped crusader). The film is half over before all the introductions are complete. What I find most insulting about this is that the sixth character Bane has been turned from psycho crime boss, into a useless dreck of a mutant. One of the worst misrepresentations of character I ever saw.

The film I have to admit is wonderful to look at and the effects are pretty top notch, but it is all totally destroyed by the bad casting, poor direction and of course the ultimate reason why this movie blows hard chunks, the woeful script. Ouch:

Batman: And you are...? Batgirl: Batgirl. Batman: That's not very PC. What about Batwoman, or Batperson? Batgirl: I found the Batcave. Robin: I guess we'll just have to kill her.

Sorry you're telling me THAT passes as a DC comic script, adapted into a movie? You must be on quite a lot of mind upending substances because I can see just about every true Bat-fan lining up waiting to ram a bayonet through Clooney's neck. Mind you, wouldn't that make for a good ER storyline!

But personally what shocks (sickens) me the most is that this made $300m at the box office. I don't know whether this was just people watching for morbid curiosity. Or whether it was the younger more easily satisfied Bat-fan who doesn't know any better. Or maybe even the hardcore Batman fan hoping and praying that this would turn out decent? Either way, it's corporate movie making at its worst. How any true Batman fan can watch the other instalments of the WB Batman series and be satisfied with such a shoddy effort.

Batman and Robin is the single worst case of ruining a good franchise I ever saw.

Don't watch this film.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Just how BAD is Manos? It is worse than your mind can physically allow you to comprehend.

[1/10 · 10 June 2005]

Remember 1966? "Of course" many of you will say. "The year where England won the FIFA World Cup for the first yet only time." That may be true but that isn't the only reason for me why 1966 will be remembered.

You see many of you modern film buffs will have already chosen a modern disaster-piece to rank as your worst movie ever. But folks, you need to go back to 1966 where before Street Fighter, before Gigli, before Flintstones Rock Vegas and before Catwoman, Manos The Hands Of Fate was released onto our screens.

I just simply don't know how this happened. Was it laziness? Was it carelessness? Or was it a dangerous amount of deadbeat? Possibly the latter. No seriously, You thought Gigli was the worst movie ever? THINK AGAIN! Manos the Hands Of Fate is the most severe antidote to quality film making on the planet. Words simply do not describe it's pure vileness enough It is truly worthy of the title, the worst movie ever made.

Now, we know how bad the above mentioned movies are, plus there's bound to be tons more that I haven't watched, so what makes me so sure that this is THE ONE to claim the crown? Simple. Because it masters the art of badness in each and every single conceivable department in a way that never before has been done by any other movie. Ever.

So where to start the bashing. Well pretty much everywhere really. Writing, directing, acting, cinematography, sound, lighting, sets, costumes, music, plot, character -- it's all shoddy, inept and embarrassing. With most bad movies, you can tell at the very least SEMI-professionals were making it.

But Jesus no not Manos. In fact Manos origins are so unbelievable you would probably think it didn't exist at all. Hal Warren (who wrote, directed, and stars in this mess) was a Texas fertiliser salesman who made a bet with a friend that he could make a successful low-budget horror film. Warren rounded up a group of actors (most with no training whatsoever), an ancient camera (that could only capture 32 seconds of footage at a time and couldn't record sound), and pounded out a script filled with long periods where nothing at all happens (witnessed early on through the 10 or so minute long segment of the family driving through the country).

It is also to date, the only episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 that left the bots lost for words. You know the kind of guys who boo at the end of a crap movie right? These guys make a LIVING out of doing so, yet they were virtually UNABLE to even make even a quip at this bobbins, so stunned they were by it's appalling vileness! I should also point out that no one who appeared in this film ever worked in film again—and that John Reynolds committed suicide in 1966 as well. So there goes my jokes about people deserving hanging for making bad movies. Sheesh!

In fact Manos only achievement whatsoever is that it completely transformed the hotly contested battle to become worst movie ever, into an unassailable one horse race. Never has so much been taken away from so many and given to so few in the quest to achieve sheer celluloid badness.

Manos The Hands Of Fate. Officially the worst movie of all time. Don't watch this film.

Gigli (2003)

I'm not giggling. In fact I'm crying. Why must Hollywood subject us to this kind of crap?

[1/10 · 9 June 2005]

Fact: A film where an overexposed celebrity couple that star together as a double act will always become a vanity project. Fact: Vanity projects in modern cinema simply do not work. Fact: Vanity projects bomb at the box office. Fact: Most of them include pop stars. And fact: Pretty much all of them absolutely suck.

So imagine how I must have felt when I heard that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, were chosen to play in a role in a film that tries to rip off The Godfather. At first I though it was just a sick joke. However I was wrong and soon enough, Gigli was released.

Now the critics gave Gigli an absolute slaughtering, the kind of panning that generates a kind of curiosity. "Is it REALLY that bad?". And of course with Gigli it's all justified. Gigli is the kind of embarrassment that people ought to should be hung upside down for. It's a truly appalling film.

So why am I the latest person to give this film an absolute bashing? Because I've seen it, and from my personal view it deserves it. In other words, I watched this piece of crap so that you don't have to. And here's a low down of what I ended up watching for my £5.

Firstly, The Direction. Martin Brest (The same man behind Beverly Hills Cop and Midnght Run) is behind this movie, so talk about a guy with no excuse! It's difficult to understand what he was smoking when he gave the go ahead for this disaster, which goes wrong in so many ways that you can barely keep count of them. He's allowed the film to be completely shapeless. From The Plot, The Cast right down to the small and unimaginative scenes, it can only be described as an awful messy blot on his copybook.

Secondly you have the cast themselves. Now we already know that Jennifer Lopez has modelled herself on Madonna's woeful pictures from day one, but Affleck (normally competent)is in way over his head. And worse still, veterans like Al Pacino and Christopher Walken turn in some very poor cameos. It's painful to think the lead in Scarface is being now bogged down in this commercial vanity fair guff.

Then the story. Affleck, plays Larry Gigli, a dim bulb of a mob enforcer. Gigli has kidnapped mental patient Brian (Justin Bartha, doing Rain Man), the kid brother of a federal prosecutor, to keep mob boss Starkman (Al Pacino) from going to jail. Don't ask how. Know only that mob girl Ricki (Lopez), a lesbian with a suicidal girlfriend, has been sent in to make sure Gigli doesn't screw up. Lopez treats the role like a photo shoot, doing yoga exercises in Gigli's apartment and ruminating on why it's more erotic to kiss a vagina than a penis. I wish, I truly wish I was making this up.

But then comes the dialogue. Welcome to hell. The dialogue enters "Manos The Hands Of Fate" territory in terms of sheer awfulness. Here's what I like to call the Three Crown Jewells in terms of this movies atrocious script.

1) "Turkey Time! Gobble Gobble" During a bedroom scene! WHAT THE HELL?!

2) "Mooooo" A cow noise that Larry uses to seduce his partner? We are still on planet earth aren't we?

3) "It's more erotic to kiss a vagina than a penis." STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

Gigli will stand for years to come as an example of how not to produce a love story movie. Gigli isn't even in the Freddy Got Fingred realm where it's so bad it's good. It's in the painful excruciatingly bad, almost like puncture wounds being inflicted in the cinema area.

Manos The Hands Of Fate, may still be the worst movie of all time but it has got some powerful competition from Gigli. Oh and by the way, Gigli, rhymes with really. As in Gigli, Gigli bad. And one more thing, there's more than a dozen worse movies worse than this? Do us a favour!

Don't Watch This Film.

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)

Yabba Dabba Don't

[1/10 · 4 June 2005]

Since the 60's/70's, Flintstones has always been one of the top cartoons. I mean all the kids love it, it's on Cartoon Network all the time and it's a true classic. It's great.

The trouble with a franchise like this is that there will be some companies that exploit a craze such as this and find ways to sneak you out of your money and rip you off. One such example is Flintstones Viva Rock Vegas.

It's released in the summer of 2000, and it's a terrible film. It's tacky, lacking in plot, miscast & just truly awful. Now I know that bad films like this are released all the time and that's nothing new. However what's so special about the Flintstones VRR more than anything else is that upon it's release over here, it cost £20.

That's right folks. Us punters in the UK had to fork out 20 notes for this prehistoric guff. Now here's the worrying part. A lot of Flintstones fans just looked at the box and said "Wow! Flintstones movie!" And they bought it and obviously they regretted it soon enough. So I now am going to show you how to have an infinitely better Flintstones experience.

1) The Flintstones series on video: If you are a Flintstones fan you probably already own one, but if you want to give it a rent now, it is priced about £1:50 tops.

2) Fred Costume: You can pick these up in just about any car boot sale for about less than a fiver.

3) Action Figures: There's plenty of them about, and they cost not even £3:50 in Toys R Us store.

So what does that bring us up to? £10 max. For £10, you have all of these three things, and you're having a great Flintstones time. But for £20, you're having an awful time with VRR.

I think I've made my point clear enough.

Don't Watch This Film.