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Reviews
Final Mission (1984)
One of the greatest B movies of all time
I found this VHS in a 99 cent bin in 2002 and have loved it ever since. This is one of the most awesomely stupid movies ever made about the Vietnam war, and the pinnacle of Cirio Santiago's illustrious career.
Hard boiled LAPD cop Vince Deacon has his family in Los Angeles killed by a gang called the Main Street Men, who work for a traitor Deacon had put in jail during the Nam, so he goes AWOL on a quest for revenge, killing several thousand random men in khaki uniforms in the process. Who really cares who they are or why they're fighting - the entire film is just scene after scene of anonymous men with guns running onto the screen and getting machine gunned by Deacon, throwing up their arms and yelling "AAH!" as they die. In the meantime, he dunks a man's head in a urine filled toilet, stabs a steroid addict to death, and drives around at night while the incredible "Always on my mind" theme song by Steve Butler plays, again and again. Not long after, a man runs around on fire, screaming in pain. At some point a black guy makes his way into the movie, brandishes a gun and says some cool tough stuff. I think there was also a woman at one point, but she's not important. All that matters is the belt fed machine gun Deacon finds in the display window of a suburban boutique store, with about 200,000 rounds of ammo conveniently stored with it.
It's a Z grade Cirio Santiago film with barely competent actors and cheap effects, what do you expect? Perfect blend of dumb action and laughable dialogue. Would have been a great candidate for "Mystery Science Theater 3000" treatment.
Best news: If you like this movie, Cirio Santiago made at least 400 other films exactly like it, all of which are either about post apocalyptic motorcycle gangs, the Vietnam war, or some combination of both (Nam Angels).
Southbound (2015)
A modern horror classic
Horror films have seen a great revival in the past decade. While in the late 90s and early 2000s you would be lucky to get one good horror film every couple years, now it seems like there's several excellent titles being released every year. Southbound is another excellent entry in the modern horror revival and worthy of any horror fan's time.
This is an anthology created by some of the filmmakers behind the original V/H/S anthology film that came out several years ago (David Bruckner and the Radio Silence team). Like V/H/S, this film continues the format of having a different director direct each segment, but this time it's professionally shot and not another "found footage" film. Also, the stories in this film blend into each other somewhat so there's a greater feeling of continuity.
What made V/H/S great continues here: an uncanny sense of the weird and a keen sense for the truly nightmarish. The scariest moments are often left unexplained and the source of the horror remains somewhat in shadow for the viewer to imagine over. Southbound calls to mind some of the darker moments of David Lynch, or the short fiction of Thomas Ligotti.
Overall, this is a great film that will scare you without relying on excessive gore, jump scares or other tired clichés. One star subtracted for some rather unconvincing CGI.
The ABCs of Death (2012)
A good idea; very badly executed.
There are a few decent shorts buried in a tsunami of awfulness, which sadly aren't even good enough to justify watching this whole thing. A few are mildly creepy, most are just crude and gross. The only common aspect that unites this as a film is a general sense of filmmakers flailing around, desperately trying to find something to shock or repulse the viewer. Most of them settle for just throwing a few buckets of whatever body fluid they have handy at the viewer.
I'll be honest, I only made it to "S" before giving up, but this was simply a piece of crap. Not even worth watching for the few OK films - sitting through all the bad ones is such a mind numbing and repulsive experience, you won't even remember them.