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turtlecroc
Reviews
Lost in Space (2018)
What crap is this?
As much as I like Toby Stephens and Parker Posey, this may be the worst TV show I've ever seen. The first episode opens with the family playing cards (Go Fish!) aboard ship as it plunges out of control into a planetary atmosphere. Er, what..?! I kept expecting something à la that one Star Trek movie where the secret doors open and it turns out to be just a simulation, but no... they actually crash, the ship starts sinking into the ice, and... it cuts to the family on Earth at Christmas time. Omg.
After some totally-out-of-context family affair stuff, it cuts back to the stranded family on the ice planet. Then back to Xmas time on Earth, then back to the ice planet, and so on. These are jarring non-sequitors the likes of which I've never seen. Finally, it cuts to "12 days earlier" (or was it 12 months?--I don't care at this point since I'll never watch another episode), where a gigantic space station is apparently under attack from aliens? A fleet of Jupiter spaceships are making their escape--it's chaos, disaster, with no sense of adventure or wonder, and no context or background WHATSOEVER. Just a nonsensical special effects-fest.
The "robot" is some kind of alien cybernetic android with a bright star for a face. Lame or ridiculous, I'm not sure.
Simply put, this is another Netflix CRAPPER. If any of the above sound like spoilers, they're not--there is nothing to spoil.
A Quiet Place (2018)
Awful gimmick
Utter stupidity, with NO sound throughout most of it. I kept checking my computer speakers because I thought something was wrong with them, but no such luck. Even things that should make a little sound make none at all--walking thru a field, for instance. There should be the sound of leaves and tiny branches breaking, or *something*, but they removed it. Part of the gimmick is that the protagonists are deaf, so ALL communication can be silent--thru sign language. Har har.
Evidently it's getting harder for Hollywood to come up with good original plots, so they're trying experimental crap like this, with the audience as the guinea pigs. Someone else suggested that many of the positive reviews here were somehow made by bots. I don't think that's possible given the extremely annoying "character challenge" IMDb has to log in, but it would explain all the short, positive reviews with odd grammar.
24 Hours to Live (2017)
A derivative action junker
As much as I like Ethan Hawke, I have to say this is the worst movie I've seen in awhile. That is, the worst movie of any kind. It's 100% derivative, with virtually every plot element lifted from some other, better movie. Nothing is explained, the action makes no sense, people say boring recycled things, etc. It's as if the writers--all three of them--got together and watched a bunch of TV shows from the 90s and then wrote this in a couple of hours.
Where and how do production "companies" get funding for junk like this? (Warning: I've seen two crappers now from Saban Films.) Maybe they didn't have any funding. Oh, and did I mention?--lots of slow-motion flashbacks too. Aack.
Star Trek: Discovery (2017)
Cash play by CBS
NOTE: there's a small spoiler below but if you know anything about the series, you already know this. Stop reading now if you want to find out the bad news yourself.... By episode two, the best character and the best thing about the whole show gets killed off: Michelle Yeoh. Stabbed in the chest by a Klingon warrior! Ouch. She was great in her brief stint as the captain, though.
She probably wanted real money which would have cut into CBS' slick(?) marketing plan. This leaves a bunch of boring guys and one ugly-f'in alien as bridge crew. Plus mediocre screen writing and a half-black, half-Vulcan, transvestite (or androgynous?) first officer named "Michael". Eh? And was there any theme music? I think I dozed off during the titles.
Unfortunately, an even more profound problem lurks: nothing about the first two episodes was very Star Trek-like. No exploration or discovery (they had already encountered the Klingons, apparently), no philosophical concepts, and equal-opportunity propaganda in every scene. I'm all for action in a pilot episode, but the previews for forthcoming episodes look militant too. And the Klingons are dressed in gold sequins this time around! Argh.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
Black Sails meets Star Wars c/o The Muppets
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (POTC3) is a fantasy movie version of the Disneyland theme park ride, with added elements from Star Wars and The Muppets. POTC3's special effects might keep your eyes fixated on the screen, but what you see will make no sense. The movie features a squid-faced alien, a square-rigger being carried on the backs of thousands of crabs, talking skulls, ships falling off the end of the world—literally, and more. Dream sequence or no, the whole movie reeks of fantasy nonsense.
None of the POTC movies to date have much to do with reality, or with actual 17th century pirates. Real swashbucklers were far more interesting—and far more terrifying—than this drivel. It's a shame Disney decided to target the 10-14 year old boy audience with big budget junkers instead of producing an authentic, big-screen version of Black Sails.
When I was about 14, my friend's cat got sick and began trailing something from its hindquarters. I think that stringy, tubular thing, soaked in food coloring, became the script for this movie. The story elements become irrelevant, lost in the absurdity of what's happening on screen.
Simply put, this movie is an insult to the intelligence.
NOTE: extra star added for the special effects.
Quarries (2016)
Like something I might have made when I was 15
Normally I wouldn't waste my time reviewing a movie like this, but I feel like someone needs to offset that other review which absolutely raves about this and gives it a 10/10. Note that that's that reviewer's *only* review to date (how'd ya like that use of "that"? :) That review was apparently written by the director's significant other or best friend because this movie is, at best, mediocre. Basically, a bunch of women get chased around in the woods and bloodied up. Empowerment!
Prometheus (2012)
Awful quasi-religious junk
This movie is closet creationism, not science fiction. Scientists have proved (e.g. using gene sequencing) that humans evolved—on Earth—over the course of millions of years from earlier hominids. Hence, any movie that deals seriously with the idea that we were created, whether by "gods", by superhumans, or whatever, is quasi-religious. It's a director trying to impose his religious views on you covertly. Personally, I lost all respect for Ridley Scott as a person and as a director after this junker.
Moreover, Prometheus is a glopped up mess of a story, so even if you don't "believe" in evolution (49% of Americans don't—yikes), it's still not a good movie. Other movies that might seem to have similar themes, e.g. AVP (2004) or Stargate (1994), actually do not. They deal instead with the remotely plausible idea that powerful aliens visited Earth thousands of years ago and influenced our already-existing civilization, not with the idea that we were "created". Labeling Prometheus as sci-fi is an insult to that genre.
Forbidden Planet (1956)
The best sci-fi movie ever made
Wow... this movie only rates a 7.7 on IMDb? How many movies are better then Blade Runner, Star Wars, Alien, The Terminator, and all 15 Star Trek movies..? Only one, and this is it.
Yes, there's a bit of silliness, but otherwise this movie has it all: good actors, great special effects (especially for the 1950s), a robot, an alien race, a monster, and most importantly, a fantastic science fiction story, based loosely on Shakespeare's The Tempest.
The special effects are unique and stand up well even today, 60 years later. The original Star Trek series was inspired by this movie, as were many other sci-fi movies and animated features over the past 50+ years.
Hopefully the "Forbidden Planet" that's in development won't have anything to do with this except for the title.
Interstellar (2014)
Most overrated movie on IMDb
This movie is so awful that more than a year after seeing it, the awfulness and disappointment still linger in my mind like a sore that won't heal. To summarize: Interstellar is stupid, insulting, physics-defying junk. At best, it's a pathetic, plagiaristic knockoff of anything Kubrick ever did.
But if reality and believability and common sense are foreign to you, or if your IQ is under 90, you might like it. I love good sci-fi—what other genre can stimulate your mind the way science fiction can?—but this movie is only for the desperate. There haven't been many good sci-fi movies lately (Edge of Tomorrow comes to mind), so in a sad way I can't blame people for rating this highly. When you're starving, anything tastes good.
The Invitation (2015)
Incredibly bad
Oh my gosh... the handful of people who have written good reviews of this must be cast or crew of this movie.
To summarize: lame direction, no musical soundtrack whatsoever until the last few minutes, and a nonexistent plot. Poor continuity too, i.e. amateurish, e.g. woman sets wine glass down on table, then cuts to another angle showing her still holding it.
And now to the spoiler (which may not be a spoiler at all): There isn't even a hint of a plot for the first 45-50 minutes--it's just some friends sitting around a house talking. Boring stuff too, like: how are you? What have you been up to? Who cares?! So, I skipped ahead toward the end, and.... (spoiler).... lots of stabbing and killing. I did back it up and watch the movie through from where I left, and finally, mercifully, it ends--with a nonsensical, unoriginal scene that the producers undoubtedly thought was clever.
The only reason I give this two stars instead of one is the vague anti-cult theme, but that's not even apparent until near the end, i.e. it isn't developed at all. But you do get to watch long videos--on a laptop screen--of some guy talking. Was that supposed to build tension..? I can't imagine.
The 5th Wave (2016)
Jaw-droppingly bad
This movie has it all--guns, handsome prepubescent teens making eyes at each other in class, big alien spaceships parked overhead, teens texting each other in class, you name it. Unfortunately, it's all been done much better in other movies before. Apparently the producers here didn't want to spend money hiring a writer, so they randomly "borrowed" ideas from B- movies they had lying around their mobile home and hacked them together into a script.
I hope Chloe Grace Moretz' career doesn't crash and burn now. I really like her. She was great in the Kick-Ass movies, but "The 5th Wave" is a potential career killer. Is she 18 yet..? Maybe she can start doing porn. The dialogue and plot developments in "The 5th Wave" alternate between lame, cringeworthy, and just plain bad. Not even worth watching for free.
Point Break (2015)
Not so bad
I went into this expecting it to take a dump on Patrick Swayze's grave, but to its credit it does not. Still, it's not as good as the original with Swayze and Keanu Reeves.
The movie does have an existential theme similar to the 1991 movie. However, this version has a harder edge than the original and some dark turns, to its detriment. Nor are parts of the storyline believable, especially toward the end. At least twice during the movie the protagonists should have died violent deaths, but lucked out. That's a lame crutch the producers didn't need to use--but then the stunts couldn't have been quite as outrageous.
It's also a little like those extreme sports commercials with lots and lots of action, but it's well filmed, well edited, well directed, and enjoyable. Kind of like a bottle of cheap vodka, whereas the original is a fine wine. Time to watch that one again.
It was nice to see Teresa Palmer and Nikolai Kinski in this, both of whom were quite good and could have had a bit more screen time.
Queen of the Desert (2015)
Understated and brilliant
Queen of the Desert might be Herzog's most brilliant film to date. But it is not a work of genius--not because it isn't great but because Herzog failed to dumb it down for average movie-going audiences. Hence for many it will come across as a stock, even boring, romantic adventure drama. If you see it that way, well, I can't help you. It is timely, beautiful, and relevant. Most reviewers missed the mark on this one, although in a commercial sense it probably won't be successful because it will fly over the heads of typical audiences, especially in the U.S.
Warning for the masses: no spaceships or aliens, and precious few gunbattles. (Btw, I'm in Wisconsin, and I hate history lessons.)