heratyplant Reviews

Ghost Light (II) (2018)

The Scottish Plays' Curse Strikes Again!

[2/10 · 15 October 2022]

There are small, quaint theatres, or theatrical spaces, usually in a busy urban area, & then there are barns in the middle of nowhere, that would never exist, guess which this one is?!

Then there's the rambling, gothic, scary old mansion in a dark forest, where everyone gets separated at night down long dark corridors, nope, they couldn't get that location either. You may be getting my point, when you can't get the right locations to give your film half a chance, then maybe don't bother.

Then there's some pretty well known names, topped off by Cary Elwes & Carol Kane amongst others including the rest of the less well paid cast. Oh dear, what a terrible come down for them, perhaps this is one of those projects that you do as an actor to keep your acting benefits up to date & SAG membership active, who knows!

I know what this is trying to be & those films are great fun, this isn't that & it can't be, it simply doesn't have the right resources to do that, so do something else. Kane's performance also calls it wrong, she's being some kind of grand, pompous old skool West End/ Broadway star from the 50's fallen on hard times & doing regional theatre, but that character would be miserable & would refuse to perform in a barn, so none of it rings true.

There is much better than this, so sorry, but don't bother.

House of Darkness (2022)

Great start, then drives off a cliff.

[5/10 · 12 October 2022]

I have a soft spot for Long, so I was happy to look past the lower budget & for the most part, it hides that well & looks very respectable on screen.

After the rather dull start in the car, the on screen interaction between our 2 leads, lit only by candles, is rather mesmerising & with a tantalising, creeping tension. Things get creepier with the arrival of the next sister, although their scene on the roof broke my concentration, as all the background lights seemed to conflict with the supposedly isolated location.

The hard cut to the caves was very effective & hinted that horrors were on the way, but no, it's just a dream, the downward spiral continues. The arrival of the third sister marks the low point of the film (other than the ending), she's not fully realised as a character & her styling is very poor & so distracting, with an ugly strappy dress from the local discount store; when she should've been elegant, sexy & scary.

I see that I'm not alone in being totally shocked by the ending, I was literally heard to exclaim, "is that it?!" It was so lazy & pointless it was not only a waste but frankly embarrassing for all concerned.

5 Stars for the beginning to middle, zero for the ending - Shame!

Monster (2022–2024)

Really Awful TV, This is bad for you!

[1/10 · 25 September 2022]

If you're on the fence about watching this, just don't. Go for a walk, donate to charity, sing a song, ask someone out for a drink, but do yourself a favour & don't watch this misery fest. I realised I actually felt disgust watching this, but not in an entertaining way, it's just misery/ horror porn & that is a bad thing!

They also seem to be making it, right from the very first words, about racism, which is just laughable 2020 stuff, as if there isn't enough of that already, let's stoke up more trouble, the producers say to themselves, how helpful of them!!!

It's also boring & just left me feeling dirty, there is absolutely no point in polluting your brain with this grime. I think I might watch Mary Poppins instead.

White Hot: The Rise & Fall of Abercrombie & Fitch (2022)

More Race Bait Trash

[1/10 · 31 August 2022]

I was somewhat interested to see this as the A&F thing totally passed me by, I'm a high fashion person, so expensive jeans & T-shirts with logos are of no interest to me. However I was curious about what they did, what went wrong & hearing the story, within just a few minutes though, I realised there was an unexpected bias here & it just turned me off.

I thought the entire issue with A&F was their lookist culture, you must be slim, muscular & attractive, but oh no, they hate black people too; I should've guessed, the title being 'White Hot'. OK, what about all of the businesses that are targeted toward non white people & hiring the opposite way around, so it goes both ways.

The interviewees just come off as pathetic & whiney, this is what you want to do with your life, complain about feeling not welcome in a shop, get over yourself!!

A lost opportunity here but not a waste of my time as I just turned it off.

Welcome to Flatch (2022–2023)

Usual UK to US Transfer Issues.

[3/10 · 28 July 2022]

On it's own, mildly amusing - 6/10.

In comparison, bland - 3/10.

I had no idea what Flatch was, but I thought I'd give it a try & in under 5 seconds I realised this was the US remake of the BBC's 'This Country'. I really enjoy This Country & have seen it three times, so am in a reasonable position to comment; I've watched many American sitcoms, back to the 1960's & so I appreciate both sides of the coin.

As a standalone show, making no comparison to the original it's perfectly acceptable with solid performances & the occasional titter. Comparing it directly with the original it falls down in a number of glaring ways.

The main disappointment has to be the lack of character from the performers, especially our two leads replacing the delightfully dumb, but ever hopeful Kerry & Kurtan. A big comedy trick seems to have been lost right from the start with a lack of regional accents, here, sounding very neutral & almost characterless. Setting the show in the South for instance (even as a Brit I know) would have immediately lent Southern charm & silliness to the comedy antics, but our duo just come across as bland & ordinary. Daisy May Cooper's replacement does a better job of the two, but only just, whilst Charlie Cooper's stand-in is totally forgettable - what a shame! Another very sad fail is 'Mandy', the original possibly being the highlight of the show, here just another dialed back, middling effort in both scripting & performance, why is it all so toned down??

In episode one, which largely follows the original first episode we visit the country fair & scarecrow competition, and it's all very pale in comparison to the BBC version, we even lose our scarecrow Dalek, sacrilege! As we move along there are also new characters introduced & additional plotlines, this being the local history buff, disappointed in how our lead 'Kerry' has done less well in life. Also we see the vicar/ priest apparently gazing wistfully at a woman, no doubt leading to the obligatory (in American TV shows) love story of will they/ won't they - predictable!!

Making it to the end, just, and looking through the credits, I saw no sign of the Cooper's having any input into this remake & if that's right, it really shows. I can only imagine them squirming with embarrassment as they try to remain positive during interviews about how 'great' the new show is. I guess there's a big fat cheque to console them, but next time, if there is a next time, retaining creative control of your baby rather than allowing the corporate monster to dissolve your show down into nothing will be a more satisfying feeling.

Psychoville (2009–2011)

S1 Great, S2 A Strange Mess.

[6/10 · 24 July 2022]

S1 - 8/10 S2 - 4/10

Series one & the Halloween special are both very entertaining rides, with a host of the boys typically odd & often funny loonies.

However series two is all over the place, with dead end characters a plenty & early dead ends for previous characters, as I'm guessing the actors weren't expecting there to be any more. If you're prepared to totally suspend any disbelief you have & forgive the boys for agreeing to do a second series, there is fun to be had, but it all feels very forced with a desperation to get everything to tie up & make sense. I can only imagine the fun they had coming up with the most outrageous, silly story ever, knowing that this was end of the show.

The Fruit Machine (1988)

Totally forgotten, but happy to see it again!

[8/10 · 23 July 2022]

Firstly I'd like to thank the nice folks over at Networkonair (Network Distributing) who own the film & for streaming it free on their site. I occasionally buy DVD's of old TV shows from them & came across this film, totally forgetting that I'd seen when it was originally released. I'm the same age as Emile Charles, I also worked at Heaven in London when we had 'Fruit Machine' on Wednesday's. So whilst I didn't run away from Liverpool being chased by a psycho killer whilst swimming with the dolphins, I really identify with the period & coming of age elements of this happy & sad love story.

Your enjoyment of the film may come from reliving your youth through the early part of the film, it's a lovely 80's time capsule, but the story also skips along, only occasionally dropping it's pace, but picking up again minutes later. All of the performances are solid & entertaining, I remember not liking 'Eddie' at the time, fearing the fem, but now I see a lovely light portrayal of a young gay boy, just being who he wants to be. Michael, Eddie's light-fingered friend (& the obligatory for the time) unrequited love, is well handled by Tony Forsyth, in the is he, isn't he role. The pair have a great chemistry & you root for them until the end.

The story & plot has it's ups & downs, and as the writer was determined to have a tragic ending, we have a hitman, taking out the wonderful Robbie Coltrane early in. That's fine, many a plot is pushed along by such an event, but our hitman just happens to be a psycho karate nutjob hitman in eyeliner, played by the ever underrated Bruce Payne. This stretches the reality of the film at points & in ways that were totally unnecessary & which I feel detracts from the overall intent of the film. A tragic romantic ending could've been achieved in far more realistic ways. The pair, cadging a lift & place to sleep with a famous opera singer, again stretches believability, but it gets the boys in the predicaments that the plot requires & although it goes no where, I guess that's just life sometimes!

Today, a teenage boy swooning over a handsome man in his dreams might almost be common place, then, it was unheard of, no one would do it. Here, Eddie's dreams are wonderfully brought to the screen & heart-stoppingly so with the dreamy Carsten Norgaard. Carsten also does a great job of transforming into a dolphin, in a really rather beautiful underwater love scene, the likes of which you will rarely see in any film, let alone one of this small budget stature. All of the water scenes, real & fantasy are very well done & lift the film to another level.

Special note - in possibly one of its final ever appearances on screen, before it fell into the sea, the majestically dilapidated West Pier is the backdrop for the final scenes, heartbreaking that it wasn't saved! As it crumbles & fades in the background, so does Eddie & the chance of happiness between him & Michael, but he's freed from life's miseries as is the dolphin, rescuing Michael in a last goodbye, or was it Eddie, saving his love before he swims away?!

If you love the 80's, if you love an unconventional romance, if you love a bit of camp & if you love dolphins, you'll pretty much love Fruit Machine.

Gateway (2021)

Any chance of a laugh?

[2/10 · 20 July 2022]

This type of the haunted house is gonna git ya story has been done so often, it's almost impossible to recall how many times I've seen it, here just given a miserable, suburban council house retread.

Assured cinematography & decent performances can't mitigate the terrible decision to make this a total misery-fest, with a cast of entirely unsympathetic characters & a sound track which would drive the most mentally sound to consider topping themselves.

The few horror elements that there were, missed the usual tricks to make the audience jump, this may have been the intention, to avoid overused tropes, but they were genuinely needed here, to help the viewer along. The gateway of the title, does indeed appear & does offer some intrigue, what, why, how etc, but it all comes to nought & we're left with no answers, thanks movie!

The fault here lies with the writer & director, single-mindedly making what they want, regardless of how this won't entertain the audience, you can make a dark, torturous ride, but you have to take the paying customer with you.

Jurassic World Dominion (2022)

Yet Another Dumpster Fire!

[1/10 · 16 July 2022]

I've come to judge films on the first 30 minutes, if they haven't grabbed you by then, we're all in trouble & this first 30 minutes is so boring I don't how it got released in this form?!

The 'kid' storyline is so unengaging & an eye-roller, with a brat that anyone would just want to palm off to the adoption services.

The storylines are all over the place, but are supposed to be full of intrigue & subterfuge, when really they're just irritating & juvenile.

The editing is parlous.

The return of original characters returning, yawn, enjoy your cheque. I'm so embarrassed for Goldblum.

Shockingly much of the dino CGI seemed cheap & poorly done, I kept thinking I must be wrong, but I just kept seeing bad stuff all over the place.

To top it off there's woke casting & all that 2020 jazz, hooray, oh & they can't act!!

Hollywood - please die.

The Laws of the Universe: The Age of Elohim (2021)

Only for the home market.

[14 July 2022]

Unless you're an extreme Japanophile, this is not really suitable for western audiences, it's very odd, with some very strange music. There's much better than this, but if you want a strange trip, go for it.

Toast of London (2012–2020)

Something Missing?

[3/10 · 2 July 2022]

I love silly, off beat, fantastical comedies like Father Ted etc, in fact that's one of my favourites & this has some stylistic similarities, except for one, it's not funny.

I've been meaning to watch this for a few years & only just gotten around to it, I've started at series 1 & I'm not sure I can get passed episode 2, it's sadly not for me. Matt Berry's performance is good, but I just never find myself laughing, I can see all the shows plaudits & great reviews, but I'm just not laughing, a smile here & there, but no more. The shows also appear to end with a musical number, which are highly unamusing.

I can clearly see that people love this show, so perhaps it's me, thinking about the feel of the show, I can imagine this is a smash with younger audiences, late teens to uni students, with lots of in jokes that they will laugh about, but not me.

I guess you do start to find silly humour rather childish as you age, but apart from that it does lack a certain charm & sparkle that the greats possess, many will find this entertaining, but it is not a classic.

A Tear in the Sky (2022)

A Personal Passion.

[4/10 · 12 June 2022]

I don't want to rain on the filmmakers parade, as this is obviously a passion project, bt this could have been so much better & will leave many people cold.

A personal hate of mine was the somewhat nasuiting green screen backgrounds, they are very decent these days, but they're very over the top & overused here. Real locations are always a better idea & if you can't do that, have some visual flow between interviewees, here though, there were just too many different, jarring backdrops used. Another production note, the editing was at somewhat of a junior level & a few times quite clumsy, this will always make your film look cheap.

Shatner, Kaku & a few other high profilers have kindly lent their weight to lift A Tear In The Sky's profile, but to no great success. Shatner & Kaku sitting in front of more eye popping green screens & looking like they've just woken up from their afternoon naps do nothing to further whatever point is trying to be made & in the end it's all been said before.

We then meet our gallant group of investigative lads, who armed with the latest tech, try to capture what has already been captured, but just capturing it again with their own gear. This is the entire premise of the show, and it's up to you to decide whether it was a success or failure.

Then we have Caroline Cory, the chipper leader of our merry band of Ufologists & the one driving the cash grab truck, for, however genuine everyone's interest is here, the premise for this show is so fundamentally weak from the start, that anyone still awake by the end will be left wondering, what was the point of any of it?!?

Honestly, it's not terrible, but with all it's lofty intentions, it's nothing we all haven't seen before & done better.

Worzel Gummidge (1979–1981)

Wonderful Vintage Romp!

[9/10 · 10 June 2022]

Watching this again recently, having been there for the original broadcasts, I was delighted to be reminded how truly wonderful this show is. Story, crew, actors, all come together to create a real gem that can be enjoyed again & again. Pertwee gives a tour de force performance, but my personal favourite is the fiendishly delicious malevolence of Una Stubbs' Aunt Sally, I always hope she's in every episode, not quite the same when she isn't, Stubbs should be regarded far higher than she is.

I did recently see 1 or 2 episodes of the new version with Macenzie Thorpe & my oh my how far we have fallen. It was a totally forgettable, unfunny exercise of how not to resurrect a great show. I genuinely felt sorry for children today, if this is what they're given as entertainment, do them a favour & buy them this instead.

Morbius (2022)

Didn't get to the end!

[1/10 · 29 May 2022]

I really hope the low ratings for this film will be sending a message to Hollywood, if nothing else, they'll really p*ss them off.

In short this started poorly & never got any better, by around the 3/4 mark I couldn't take anymore & turned it off & I won't be going back to try & finish it, I just don't care.

Absolutely forgettable trash, don't bother.

RuPaul's Drag Race (2009– )

A 30 Year Fan Sashaying Away.

[2/10 · 29 May 2022]

I've been here for Ru since the late 80's & early 90's, it's been a wonderful, colourful & camp ride, but I think I'm getting off now, as this ride is making me nauseous.

I still like seeing amazing frocks & transformations, but there's way too much of it, just too many shows, it's drag overload! The international iterations definitely bring a new angle to their shows, with local humour etc, but at the end of the day, it's still the same old thing.

The worst part of the show now is the intense political correctness & revolting virtue signalling, as a viewer, we know that no one can step out of line, or they'll be for the chop! I never got over how they treated Sherry Pie, it was disgusting, when were drag queens supposed to be leaders of society with perfect morals, they're supposed to be the opposite. Now it's just sanitised transgression, it's all fake, everyone, including poor old Ru, are all treading on eggshells, petrified they're going to say the wrong thing. I can guarantee you Ru doesn't believe in any of it, it's just for the show.

Am I still watching it, yes, do I enjoy it, not really, I feel like it's just out of habit. I've just seen some of 'All Stars 7 All Winners' & it's not good, the format they've had to create to prevent previous winners from being embarrassed by being booted off the show is ludicrous & stupid. The producers know this is getting stale & they're worried, how do they refresh their money maker, I've got news for them, you can't!

Everything changes & moves on, I am just so sorry that young kids think this is what drag is about, a sanitised, corporate machine, churning out cookie-cutter product for the masses.

RIP old friend, it's been fabulous.

Secret Space UFOs: Rise of the TR3B (2021)

Not Unwatchable, But A Miss....

[3/10 · 29 May 2022]

This is simply a stretched out episode of Secureteam on Youtube, although they've upped the ante by including, what appears to be, interviews specially done for this show, Dolan being a coup for them.

I don't want to rain on Tyler's parade, he's just doing what he can to earn a buck & that's totally fine. The mistake here that I couldn't get passed, other than some poor production decisions, was made right from the start with Tyler himself. The show starts with him in bed, waking up & starting his day, in what appears to be a hotel like apartment. This is a classic documentary trope that is used to indicate that the following will be about the documentary maker as well as the subject, here being UFO's. This actually never pans out & we hear nothing of Tyler's recent difficulties & the strange things that happened to him & his YT channel. If they didn't want to talk about these topics, the doc should have been framed differently; for me this was a missed opportunity, as he could have finally cleared up these mysteries & it would have made it more worthwhile to watch & different to his usual schtick.

I also don't understand, when I heard him mention this doc in a YT video, why he talked about it as if he was a bit part in the show, rather than the 'star' of it, with his branding all over it, bit odd!

Honestly it really isn't terrible, the UFO footage & commentary is fine if you like this topic, but it's just a bit lazy & should've been rethought!

Cuckoo (II) (2012– )

Not What I Expected!

[2/10 · 22 May 2022]

Mistakenly I know, I really wanted another 'Man Down' & this isn't that at all, it doesn't have the pace or immediate comedy, it's very plodding & I just don't like the characters & some of the actors, not for me.

Night Sky (2022)

For drama lovers, who might like a bit of scifi.

[20 May 2022]

Can't rate it yet as I haven't seen it all, but I do like it, even though it is purposefully slow.

I mostly dislike those shows & films that are dramas with a thin veneer of scifi to trick the fans of that genre, but this doesn't feel like that, even though it is a drama with a tiny pinch of mystery.

The 2 leads, they're performances & the wonderful life they seem to have is really rather lovely & endearing. As to the setup, I've never seen this premise before & it is without doubt intriguing, it just depends where the writers decide to take them, and us, on their cosmic journey.

Special nods for the lovely soundtrack & thoughtful cinematography.

I'm in for the ride, fingers crossed.

The Kids in the Hall (2022– )

The good old days aren't back.

[2/10 · 18 May 2022]

I enjoyed the quirky silliness of the original show, now over 30 years ago, almost every sketch was funny & if it wasn't, another one would be along shortly. However this new incarnation seems to have opted for quite long form sketches, which isn't a good idea if the one you're watching isn't that funny & this is the main issue, there's very little funny here. You're supposed to find the situation & odd characters funny without actual jokes by the looks of it, but that's not a good premiss for a comedy show. As a Brit I'm quite used to no studio audience laughter track, but I'm ok with them as well, & this show really needs an audience to shine, so it doesn't.

They're only a little bit older than me, so I'm not anti old comics, but the humour from KITH came from their vibrant youthful precociousness & as you'd imagine, over the last 30 years that has faded almost completely.

With better material these guys could shine again, but it's just not there, funny is funny & this just isn't it, I didn't laugh once.

Fear the Walking Dead: Dead in the Water (2022)

Thought TWD Sequels Couldn't Get Any Worse - Wrong!

[1/10 · 15 April 2022]

As with anything, it was a great idea, but that's as far at it went. There's something really off with the production, the acting is very poor at this level & the direction is risible.

There is no real feeling in the drama & there's very little of it anyway, it's so boring & visually dull, many will leave in the first 10 minutes.

As a sequel of as sequel of a sequel to the original, this is embarrassing, the quality of everyday, regular TV in the US & the west, has hit an all time low. I now expect everything to be pretty bad & on the odd occasion it's good - I'm shocked!!

Love the shill reviews, they're hilarious, don't fall for it.

Subnormal (2021 TV Movie)

Why Now?

[1/10 · 29 January 2022]

Some sad stories caused by unintentional mistakes confabulated into a devisive story of race hate.

Why now, this is around 50 years ago, what's the aim of this, no mention of misdiagnosed white children. The people shown as examples have also exceeded in education later in life regardless of this & merely report poor confidence, common to most people.

The professor used to sift the evidence, Sally Tomlinson, is totally one sided & refers to things as bad that are so long ago, it's meaningless.

If you can't recognise & accept that different cultures behave differently when mixed together & that this will cause problems, then you can't accept reality.

Make no mistake this is totally disingenuous, as are many of the contributors & none of what is said is challenged, everything is bad & you can guess who's fault it all is. Anyone not paying attention would think that Educationally Subnormal was invented for black people, when it wasn't, how could it be it was from the 1940's.

The result of all of this nonsense is clear at the end, identity politics, I can only look up to people who look like me WRONG!

I hope whoever made this is proud of adding more mistrust & hate to that which already exists in society today, I hope your revenge sweet.

Chucky (I) (2021– )

Bizarrely Bad

[1/10 · 29 January 2022]

Laughable story & direction, everything that happens makes no sense or is just stupid & you end up thinking 'how did these people get hired' it's embarrassing.

There's a scene in ep 1 that's so bad, a show in the schools theatre, that I thought it had to be a dream, but it isn't. I honestly have no idea how this got on TV; execs used to be douches, but at least they made great TV, this is all just virtue signalling nonsense.

Last Radio Call (2022)

Better than most at this level.

[3/10 · 22 January 2022]

I was expecting to turn off after about 3 minutes, but it had a really well done opening scene, so I stayed along for (some of) the ride.

Good production, direction & story, unfortunately for this promising low budgeter, it was let down badly by most if not all of the actors. They're very 'just out of part time drama classes' & they still take classes at the weekend. They do their best, but they're just not cooked yet & it's all rather wooden. The director didn't seem to make them comfortable with their lines, or maybe he just needed to get them all a bit drunk.

After the initial promise, it all goes wrong at around the 30 minute mark & that was my last call.

Archive 81 (2022)

Subtitles Required!

[1/10 · 14 January 2022]

Slow, plodding, wandering & dreary, if that's you're thing, good luck to you.

I have a personal pet hate, if I can't clearly hear what the lead is saying, I'm out. I can't clearly hear what the lead guy is saying - I'm Out! It sounds like he's talking with an entire sandwich in his mouth & he seems half asleep, no thanks.

People seem to have lost the art of entertainment today, so very sad.

PS - The Helpful vote percentages are hilarious on this, never seen such an extreme swing against poor reviews. Couldn't be people paid by the N to make the show look better could it, no of course not ;-).

Table Wars (2021– )

Martha's Face sAys It All.

[3/10 · 29 December 2021]

A perfectly average & acceptable show of it's type, I'm surprised it's not been done before, although similar, seasonal shows have been made in the UK under the Kirstie Allsop umbrella.

The disappointing & somewhat pointless part is that half of the contestants are no better than me at decorating a table & this isn't my job. Yes I'm not a newbie at this stuff, but when what they do is laughably bad, what's the point, you know who's going to be out within minutes.

When the editors let them through, Martha's faces are priceless, in episode one I caught, "what the hell am I doing here", "this woman's an idiot" and "!this is so beneath me" & frankly Ms Stewart I agree, I guess she just wanted an afternoon out from one of her houses.