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Accident Man (2018)
A Fun Adkins Flick with Ray Stevenson Too!
Worth watching on a Saturday night if you've got nothing else going on. Good fight scenes, crazy-ass assassins, and Ray Stevenson (who is always a treat) as an assassin/bartender/mentor with a mustache! Adkins provides his usual beatdowns and I see he even got his friend Martyn Ford a little cameo! If you into this thinking "I just want to see Adkins kick ass", then you won't be disappointed. A different reviewer opined that Adkins needs to be in better movies. I agree.
Geostorm (2017)
THIS IS SPARTA!!! No, it isn't. It's a sh_tty movie with Gerard Butler.
Wow. Just wow. Ok, here's the thing - I like Gerard. I like Sturgess. Even Ed Harris. I absolutely loathe Andy Garcia. And the rest of the clowns in this circus were absolutely forgettable. Where to even begin? After you've seen enough of these disaster/catastrophe movies, you realize they're all the same. Just repackaged with different faces and different sequences of the same dialogue. You also realize that when a movie starts out showing how mankind let Earth turn into a toilet by showing random real life footage of natural disasters, that you're in for a real dog of a movie. I could sit here and write paragraphs of the stupidity of this movie, but I'll keep it to a few observations. The space station is enormous. Like, it is so big that its got like 10 ft ceilings with plenty of overhead wasted space, because as everyone knows constructing opulent, roomy and capacious space stations is realistic. Here's another thing - the wisecracking, defiant British millennial douchebag who meets Butler and within one nanosecond decides to be a wisecracking dickhead. Come on. Next - the "diversity" of the "international team". Yep. Another thing - ever notice how when a movie requires the President to be moral, strong, unwavering, uncorrupted, they make sure to cast the President as either black or a female? Or a black female? But when they need him to be a dumbass, or nefarious they make sure he's white and is surrounded by white advisers. Why is that? Oh, and I had to laugh at Butler's brilliant solution to use the new satellites as projectiles to knock out the corrupted ones. But they only did that once. What the F? And speaking of the new satellites - they somehow have a manufacturing plant ON THE SPACE STATION making these things??? Seriously??? Oh brother. I couldn't make it to the end. I made it as far as Sturgess and his blonde bimbo Secret Service girlfriend kidnapping the President. I then said "f*ck this sh_t" and threw a brick through by big screen tv. If you want to have a night of real entertainment you'd be better off sorting through a jar of loose change. Forget Geostorm. This stunk.
The Recall (2017)
Movie Title Should be "The Turd"
Awful, awful, awful. What transpired over the course of this travesty was inexplicable. Why Walt Jr. from Breaking Bad was in it was what? Nobody can answer that. Wesley Snipes - this guy used to be an A-list action star. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Maybe this was part of his settlement with the IRS - that he can only make truly horrendous movies from here on out. The only positive is that the two chicks were pretty cute, so I'll give them that. The two males, on the other hand, were a couple of douchebags. I really had to laugh at the few scenes of the "war room" where the "prisoner" astronaut was brought in. What was the purpose of that? They'd keep cutting back to that, but for no good reason. Then on the alien spaceship? What. The. F. This movie was so bad I can't even write a coherent rant about it. My advice - go wind up a spool of thread. You'll be better entertained.
The Nice Guys (2016)
Not just awful, but God Awful
Geez, what is wrong with the people who green light these kinda projects? I honesty try to imagine what was going on: a group of people - the director, main actors, writers, producers sitting at a large table in some conference room, looking over the script, joking with each other, asking how are we gonna do this that and the other, and then slapping each other on the back and saying "this is gonna be great!". I imagine its something like that. Then, after all the shoots are done, editing and sound, they sit in a cozy and luxurious little screening room with big leather seats and couches and view their product. Of course its not funny, interesting, compelling. Its a dog turd. Expect nobody is gonna say it. All the "yes men" are gonna blow smoke up everyone's ass and say how great it is and that its gonna make millions. Of course, Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling aren't there. They've done their job, their bank accounts have been credited the millions they contracted for, and they're onto their next project or sitting on a beach somewhere, a private beach, sipping some fancy drink with a little umbrella in it. And they're laughing. Laughing because they themselves know this was a crapfest of a movie. Sure they did their best acting, these guys always do. They're professionals and they're good. However, when you have a collaborative venture, you're only as strong as the weakest link. And the chain breaks apart with the director and the writers. You can read all the other reviews that give their technical reasons why the movie was bad. I'm in agreement. It wasn't funny. Mixing sexual situations with children is borderline criminal here, and the story was convoluted, muddy, and strange. I only lasted until the one clown that had the dye pack explode on his face was killed and the young girl then holds his hand. I'm only writing that so as to let you know I did watch this. Up until that point. Then I cut my losses and wandered off. Such a waste of Crowe and Gosling's talents. My advice - if you want to have fun and be entertained, go eat an apple. Way more fun and entertaining than this garbage movie. And its healthy for you too.
The Perfect Weapon (2016)
A Steven Seagal Stinkfest
If I could give this movie a zero, I would. I really don't know what I was thinking even attempting to watch this trash. I only made it 45 minutes and then I stopped, retrieved a gallon of gasoline, poured it all over my big screen TV, lit a match, tossed it, and walked away. I'm not even gonna begin to try and dissect this nonsense. There's some bald dude, he's a bad guy, then he's a good guy, a blond chick whose dead, then she isn't, Seagal wearing stupid glasses and dressed in black - surprise surprise. Yada, yada, yada, couldn't care less. If you want to be entertained, forget about watching this dung heap, you'd have more fun tying your shoes.
Alien: Covenant (2017)
For the love of God, why, Ridley? WHY???
Alright, I've had a few days to reflect upon Alien:Covenant, a few days to simmer down, let the rage subside, and hopefully write a rational and carefully crafted review of this abomination of a film. Notice, I wrote "hopefully". Here goes - first off, whose bright idea was it to cast Danny McBride? Huh? Seriously. OK, the dude is somewhat funny when he sticks to his bread and butter role of stoner, slacker, foul mouthed dirtbag. Trying to branch out into drama? Come on, man. You're not that good. Stick to being a side kick for James Franco and Seth Rogen. You're out of your element in sci-fi. Next up - that sad-sack Waterston. I'm sure she is a fantastic actress, but why have her play the role like a limp, lame, unconvincing, droopy-eyed, sorry to be here, but all of a sudden a determined tough as nails leader. Sorry. Didn't believe it for a minute. And for strike 3 - Billy Crudup. Now, I like Billy. But, like McBride, he's out of his element here in sci-fi. Fassbender is, well, Fassbender. Can't go wrong with him, but we all know that.
Now for ridiculousness in no particular order, just questions from my stream of consciousness - traumatic -cinematic experience. Why are these astronauts, scientists, colonists, marines, whatever, so effing stupid? Why? Why, Ridley, why did you have xenomorphs popping out of chests, backs and growing at super exponential rates? And don't give me this bullsh*t about David making different hybrids. That's completely lazy-ass writing. I'm embarrassed for you, for the actors, for the writers, and everyone else associated with this turd of a film. And for the love of God, how is it that the Engineers - a seemingly superior race, all happen to congregate in one freakin' place on their planet for David to wipe them out so easily? And if they're so advanced as to create these viral plagues and flying spaceships that look like overbaked croissants, why do they look and dress like they're from ancient Greece or Rome? Huh? They all just happen to live in a 2 mile radius on that planet? None live anywhere else, huh? Give me a f'king break. And finally - a shower sex scene, huh? Really? I mean, really?? I think Ridley is just an old man pervert and wanted to get the two actors naked so he could jerk on his shriveled up, xenomorphed member while that scene was filmed. I bet he told them he needed 6 or 7 "takes" to get it just right. Absolutely pathetic.
Life (2017)
Killer Calamari
Yep, I too was seduced by the dark side of Hollywood Sci-Fi. And what I just endured watching this tripe was like a kick to the balls with an iron boot.
SPOILER ALERT! - This movie sucks.
OK, why does it suck,you ask. Here goes.
1. You have Deadpool as a professional astronaut acting like how Deadpool would act if he were a professional astronaut.
2. You have Donnie Darko as a professional astronaut acting like how Donnie Darko would act if he were a professional astronaut.
3. You have the rest of the clowns in the clown car as professional astronauts acting like...well, you get it by now, right?
4. You have a calamari squid alien with an IQ that rivals an MIT mathematics professor with a sociopathic personality that rivals Hannibal Lecter's.
I could go on and on. But why?
The Disappointments Room (2016)
For the Love of God, Do Not Watch This Abomination!!!
Holy f'ing hell! What did I just watch? Now, I know I've reviewed some real dog piles - Seagal's Sniper, Sandler's Ridiculous Six, but this movie makes those look like Gone With the Wind. Anyone who was charged money to see this need file a police report for being ripped off. What was the point of the movie? Douchebag family with a room of mirrors and ghosts and something. I don't know what the hell was going on. I don't even know how to review this garbage. If anything, why did they not at least make Beckinsale do a full frontal. I mean, come on. Throw us a bone here. I honestly think everyone involved in the making of this travesty have their citizenships revoked and be banished to a deserted island with no provisions whatsoever. Horrible, horrible excuse for entertainment. Do yourself a favor and go watch a horse take a dump in a field. More interesting than this movie.
The Sand (2015)
Oh, For the Love of Humanity!!!
Wow. Just Wow. I really don't know why I subject myself to this kind of torture. Somehow I stumbled across this title and said to myself "ok, I'll bite" Big mistake. The only reason I'm giving it 2 stars is because of the boobie shot they made the one bimbo do. Otherwise its one star all the way. Where to begin - the plot - a bunch of Southern California millenial morons have a beach party that goes to hell after dragging some kind of huge pod / testicle-looking thing onto the beach where it hatches during the night as the partygoers bang one another, stuff some fat dude in a steel drum and draw a penis on his face, and pass out in various places, with one chick so wasted that she passes out without her bikini top on. The next morning as everyone comes to, the lead bimbo sees a bird get eaten by the sand and, being the quick wit that she is, realizes if you walk on the sand you die. Cue the four dummies in the car, one of whom is the main bimbo's ex-boyfriend who's apparently banged the black chick sleeping next to him all to the dismay of the lead bimbo. So you just know that eventually they're gonna have it out over this muscle-headed douche (who's probably a closet "alternate lifestyle chooser" to begin with). Anyhow, as everyone awakens, the big fat black dude with a penis drawn on his face (who by the way is a close resemblance to Huell of Breaking Bad) has been shoved into a steel drum and is now stuck. As another boneheaded muscle-bound freak goes to help him out, he gets stuck in the sand and is eaten. From here on out its essentially a "have everyone die one at a time" formula, until the very end when the lead bimbo somehow gets her hands on some gasoline and torches "the thing", thus ending the ordeal. But for some reason we're subjected to another 3 or 4 minute scene of the two surviving chicks clutching each other in the police suv for what seems a ridiculously long time where you're expecting something else to happen. But nothing does. I was hoping for a little girl-on-girl action at the end. But that was not be. I'm guessing that the "actresses" in this crap-o-rama really believe that they're on their way to legitimate film roles and that their days of doing porn are over. But they really shouldn't give up their bread-and-butter just yet. In conclusion - this definitely rates up there as a real dog of a movie and gives Steven Seagal's "Sniper" a run for its money in the "freakin' ridiculous movie" category. Peace-out.
Anthropoid (2016)
Excellent In Every Regard
Glad I chose to watch this piece of history, having never heard the story before. I saw a film a few years ago similar in nature - Flame and Citron - about two resistance agents in Denmark - and Anthropoid reminded me of that. The more I see Cillian Murphy, the more I like the guy. As well as Dornan, who I recently watched in The Siege of Jadotville (he was great in that as well). At first I thought "why did they need two Irish guys to play a Slovak and Czech?". But, after a few minutes, I forgot all about that. These guys are the real deal. And apart from them and Toby Jones (who is always good no matter what) the other actors were unknown to me, so I liked that a lot. All the performances were excellent. The direction was spot on and the pacing was perfect. You feel like you're in on it too. But not in a glorified/action sort of way. Its more of a bleak, tense, and desperate mood where you know things are really bad and you want to do something but are too scared because you're fearful of what you know will happen. Now, multiply that feeling by a million and that's probably closer to the real feelings of the citizens of Prague in 1942. Especially after having been handed over to the Nazi's by that gutless Chamberlain. If there is ever a moral to a story, its right there - never, ever appease a bully. You've got to punch him square in the nose as hard as you can right then and there. And that's what those yellow spines at the Munich Conference should have done to Hitler in the first place. Anyhow, back to the movie. There is no real happiness in this movie, except for one moment where two people make an announcement. But even that joy is very short lived. I feel that the director really captured the untold and understated bravery and courage of the people of this time and generation. To have the fortitude, nerve, and determination to do what needed to be done, all the while knowing what the probable outcome would be, is very much a character trait of a lot of the people that fought back against the evil of that era. And although the ending is exactly what I was expecting, there had to be some satisfaction in knowing that at least one high ranking Nazi sociopath got what he deserved. So, to sum it up - Go See This Movie.
Marvellous (2014)
Neil Baldwin is a good friend of mine...
That is something I truly wish I could say. I stumbled across this after watching a few episodes of The Detectorists and I wanted to see what else Toby Jones was in. Saw the picture of the Marvellous title and something just told me this was gonna be gold!!! Now, I know I'm late to the party on this one with the majority of the reviews being British since they've seen this 2 years ago, but for someone here in the U.S., where there is absolute garbage on television and in the movie theaters, Marvellous is a welcomed and sorely needed story. As such, my faith in humanity has been restored after watching it. I really believe that anyone who watches this will be a better person for having seen it. I'm not kidding. No sarcasm here. This was excellent. Times a hundred. Toby Jones nails it. As well as everyone else in this film. I don't know what else to say besides "Can you drop me off?" "Its not really on my way." "It is if you go that way to drop me off." Hahaha. Perfect.
The Visit (2015)
Oh for the Love of Humanity...
Alright, with 450 plus reviews, I'm not telling anyone anything they don't already know about The Visit. However, after sitting through this, and fast forwarding, I feel the need to cleanse myself of what was essentially a cinematic assault on my mind. A mind-raping f**k, if you will.
All I can say is that the CIA could waterboard me, electrocute me, beat the living sh*t out of me, Chinese water torture me, and then flense and eviscerate me and they'd never break me. However, they could save a lot of time and effort by simply showing this movie to anyone they want to torture.
The f'king rapping by the lisping stupid kid is enough to make anyone want to rip their ears off. Showing that old lady naked is enough to make strongest of iron stomachs wretch, and the whole sh*t diapers theme was absolutely disgusting and unnecessary.
M.Night Shamawhatever, you sir should be ashamed of yourself. Please, do the honorable thing and become a busboy at Denny's and leave filmmaking to Spielberg, Lucas, and Scorsese.
Paradox (2016)
Truly Awful in Every Respect
My advice is to round up all copies of this movie, box them up, then sink them to the bottom of the Marianas Trench.
Amateur script, amateur direction, amateur acting, amateur effects. I'm quite certain that you could gather together a group of mentally handicapped individuals and they would do a better job of acting.
I know she's got a little cult following, but I really don't see the appeal of Zoe Bell. She is awful. Send her back to Australia or New Zealand or Tasmania or wherever the hell she crawled out from under her rock. She isn't good looking and she couldn't act her way out of a wet paper sack.
I really had to laugh at the rest of the cast. A bunch of morons who weren't' believable in the least. I especially had to laugh at that one Asian dude - his character didn't understand the theory behind time travel. Do you see the irony in that? The one Asian guy in the movie is the one who doesn't understand physics and mathematics??? Hahahahahaha........
Oh brother, do yourself a favor and go watch a tree grow. It will be more fulfilling and rewarding.
Sniper Special Ops (2016)
Even for a Seagal movie, this is beyond awful
So, its called Sniper. Sniper is in the title. So, is it a little too much to ask to see a sniper sniping? One would think not. However, this is a Steven Seagal flick, so that means anything goes. As long as Seagal gets to 1. Play it "cool" (check), 2. Have minimal dialogue and deliver it in a low, slow, mumbling voice (check), and 3. Wear sunglasses for 99.99% of his screen time (check).
What really gets me is that I was pumped to see some sniper shots. You know, head shots where people's skulls are obliterated by the expert marksmanship of the sniper. And what do we get? Three, yes count 'em, 3 sniper shots. And one of them the target was a whiskey flask, not a person. I'm not kidding.
The rest of the movie drags on with some lame storyline of special ops guys going to perform automotive maintenance on a broken down supply truck, only to find the head taliban raghead's daughter and infant child trying to flee, thus throwing a monkey wrench in what would have been an easy operation.
OK, so firefights ensue, an expendible soldier gets a bullet in the brains, dozens of taliban clowns are mowed down by the superior firepower and marksmanship of the American soldiers. Scene cuts to Seagal every 15 minutes or so for a 2 minute pontification by Steven, who's trying to save his sniper/spotter squad member whose been paralyzed by a bullet to the spine, well at least according to Dr. Seagal. See, not only is he a sniper, but he's such a seasoned vet that he's also an expert medic and qualified to make battlefield diagnoses.
So, anyhow, the beta-dog member of the squad (since Seagal is the alpha dog, presumably) pulls into town and confronts the head taliban raghead but tricks him thanks to the savvy female war correspondent whose been a real thorn in his side for the entire movie up until now when he can use her for the old switcheroo. The baby is really a bomb dressed up as an infant and the guy gets blown to smithereens. A few more bullets fly and then Seagal and the paralyzed wounded vet get rescued. Seagal then takes off his sunglasses at the end of the movie. Ooh-Rah!
Navy Seals vs. Zombies (2015)
Fat and Overweight Navy Seals
Saw this on Netflix. Thought I'd give it a chance. BIG mistake! I'll admit upfront that I only lasted 32 minutes watching this awfulness. The "best of the best" Navy Seals, huh? These dudes look like they should be headed to fat camp instead of a rescue mission. I think I even saw one of them eating some cheesecake before suiting up for the mission! Dudikoff looks old and that scar they put on him to give him military bad-ass credibility just looked ridiculous. Ed Quinn seemed to be phoning it in, and rightfully so. I too would give a perfunctory performance and then go cash my paycheck and head to the nearest bar and get blind stinking drunk to forget that I agreed to do this movie. The zombies were outright ridiculous and somehow have superman strength as that one broke loose of his handcuffs. Awful production, awful effects, awful script, awful directing, awful acting. I didn't watch it all, but hopefully they made the young TV reporter do a gratuitous booty shot. Probably not. My advice - watch water boil instead of watching this movie. You'll be better entertained.
Jarhead 3: The Siege (2016)
Not Exactly the Worst
I managed to watch the whole movie without too many guffaws. But there were some. Gotta love the beginning with the Marine Corps "boot camp" montage to show the lead character going through his paces so that later we have the backstory that he's a bonafide jarhead and ready to lock and load. Upon arrival at "The Kingdom" Corporal Jarhead is picked up at the airport by a soon to be best buddy jarhead. Who just happens to let his British accent slip out a little too much. After Cpl Jarhead gets introduced to his company of other jarheads he then gets to meet Adkins, another Brit passing off as an American jarhead. I knew going in that if you're gonna see Adkins in a flick, be prepared for a C-list presentation. Its not that he's a bad actor. Its just that he's not really a good one. So, more obligatory scenes of Cpl Jarhead trying to familiarize himself with his duties, a little sexual tension with the cute little blonde "secretary", who we later realize is really a CIA covert operative, albeit a British one (she's a Brit too and her accent can be noticed). Then comes Cpl Jarhead's revelation that the embassy is being cased by an ISIS lunatic but nobody believes him. So you know what that means right? Yep, 5 minutes later the dude who Cpl Jarhead is onto leads an all out assault and siege on the embassy. From this point on its just one long firefight until the end. Bullets flying, RPGs launching, bodies dropping, snipers sniping, etc. etc. The one major drawback, and this has been mentioned by other reviews and I'm in total agreement with them, is that the douchebag Filipino-American really is horrible. The inclusion of that character almost ruins the film. Anyhow, it comes down to a last-stand situation with the cavalry trying to get there to save them. The cavalry arrives but right as Cpl Jarhead ignites a propane tank to blow to smithereens the head ISIS douchebag. Hoo-Rah! USA! USA! USA!
Airplane vs. Volcano (2014)
Another Gem from The Asylum
Once you see that the production company of a "film" is The Asylum, all bets are off and you cannot take anything seriously. To wit - Dean Cain and his acting. For the majority of the movie he sits in the pilots' seat of the plane and looks like he's trying to sh.t out a bowling ball. The air marshall, who I think is Washington, the sweathog from Welcome Back Kotter, was a good laugh. The psychopath dude, not sure if he was supposed to portray some kind of middle eastern terrorist or Spanish one, but whatever. What a great role to ham it up. And that dude did. I really had to laugh at the military clowns. The general in charge had one expression on his face - that of angry constipation. And the scenes outside of the base looked more like a nuclear powerplant than an army base. Robin Givens acting was terrible. I guess Mike Tyson must have beat her so many times during their short marriage that she now is permanently punch drunk. Or she's smoking crack. Because she both acted and looked awful. If you've got two hours to waste, watch this or not.
The Lost Legion (2014)
For the Love of Caesar's Ghost, Don't Bother with this Abomination
Holy sh*t is all I can say. I love Roman history and will watch pretty much anything "Roman", however after this turd I just want to slit my throat with a gladius. Within minute one when the Roman "legion" made up of 6 yes count 'em 6 Roman soldiers, some dude without armor on a horse, and some chick in a covered wagon, are making their way through the forest and the natives are looking to ambush them, I just knew this was gonna be a real piece of horse turd. Then the slow motion fighting. Guys being thown in every direction, the chick from the wagon cutting peoples throats, then "victory" and the 6 idiots all cheer and congratulate themselves. Hahahahaha. What a lame-ass opening. Now, cut to a scene of some conniving bitch trying to manipulate her stupid husband to somehow betray Rome and ascend her to some prominent position. Next, cue her little bitch of a son who wants to have his slave servant executed for beating him at checkers. What. The. F.ck? Next we are treated to some really bad soft core porn. But at least the chicks had some nice boobies for voyeuring. At about this point I said what the heck, if I want real porn, I'll just put that on. I fast forwarded a bit hoping to see if there would be a battle with more than 6 legionaries. But there wasn't. I said "Eff this" and turned the t.v. off. Don't waste your time.
Stormageddon (2015)
Don't Expect Any Oscar-Worthy Performances Here
A real dog of a movie. But I wasn't really expecting anything different. A bunch of X, Y and Z - list actors and actresses fresh from acting school coupled with a few hacks who call themselves writers and directors and toss in Adrian Paul for good measure and you've got yourself a SyFy movie for the ages. This convoluted nonsense is part Terminator, part Day After Tomorrow, and part every other SyFy channel "movie" that you've ever had the misfortune to sit through without slitting your wrists. Where to begin? Something about drones being taken over by some unknown entity and some weird looking bald dude without eyebrows who for some reason has an identical twin, and for extra effect are called Cain and Abel. Then you've got this psycho government agent who simply goes around taking head shots at everyone he can for no reason whatsoever. There's this terminator like guy who has really bad long hair and is in need of lessons on how to use a razor blade properly who is the "good guy" and of course you've got the hot little chick who works at the local newspaper who gets sent a cryptic video cassette that turns her life upside down. The least that the director could have done is give the audience a gratuitous bra and panty shot of her as a way of thanking us for watching this garbage. But alas, that was not to be. So, Yada yada yada, time passes, people fight, people die, then the characters wind up on an oil rig out in the middle of the ocean fighting for their lives and the fate of humanity. I really didn't know what the hell was going on in this movie. If you've got a couple of hours to waste then go ahead and watch it. But I think you'd be better off seeing how many times you could rub one out in the time that this movie runs.
Moonwalkers (2015)
This Movie Was All Over the Place
Seeing as this was a British offering, I'll describe it in British parlance - Absolute Shite.
I think the morons giving this high praise with their reviews were about as high as Ron Pearlman after taking that hit of LSD. It says "comedy". Who would have known? I didn't laugh once. It should have said "torture" because I was in a whole lot of pain for the duration. My wife was getting tired of the movie and kept telling me to fast forward it. At one point she got up to get some chocolate candy. When she came back to the couch, I asked her for a piece. She said only if I fast forward it. True story. Anyhow, its too bad because going into this I wanted it to be good. I like Pearlman and Ron Weasley. Like the late 60's early 70's scene - a lot of potential there. But then the director tried to make this a hybrid of a weird buddy flick mixed with Reservoir Dogs violence. Seriously, What The EFF??? As somebody else opined, the second half of the movie really falls flat, and I have to agree. Save your time and watch something better. Maybe Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
Colonia (2015)
Pleasant Surprise
Stumbled across this title. Looked interesting. Gave it a shot and was pleased with what I watched. Not knowing a single thing about the movie or the real history behind it, I went into this thinking it was going to be about something totally different. I was even surprised when at the beginning I saw the name "Emma Watson". I knew good things were gonna happen. So as it unfolded, I thought it was gonna be some political thriller where the boyfriend gets kidnapped by the army goons and then he has to escape. Imagine my surprise when it took a turn to Chilean/Deutschland Jonestown!!! Didn't see that coming! The old hag nazi b!tch was excellent. You just knew right away that you wanted her to get clubbed over the head with a blunt object. Thanks Emma for granting my wish. I didn't care for the love story, but it drove the film. Anyhow, I don't want to give anything away, just suffice to say - this is worth your time watching!
The Trust (2016)
Man, does Nicolas Cage look old.
Thank God Elijah was in this movie to boost its credibility because I'm not sure what Cage was aiming for. At first I thought it was gonna be a comedy, then it switched to a heist - OK, good, love those, but then Elijah's character becomes conflicted out of nowhere. Cage's character just seemed schizophrenic/psychotic. Maybe that's what he was supposed to be. Wished they would have delved deeper into whose stash of guns and diamonds those were. And the ending, as others have mentioned and I agree, seemed to really ruin it. I'm on the fence with this one, it wasn't bad but could have been so much better. Maybe if they wanted some laughs they could have had Wilfred show up.
Trakked (2015)
An amateurish pile of nonsense
Wow. Just wow. This is what it looks like when you make a movie yourself. I can't even begin to describe what I just saw. I watched the first 30 minutes, then began to fast forward the rest of the way hoping the one brunette would lose her top or panties. Unfortunately that wasn't to be. I was even hoping for some weird scene where the douchebag bum boyfriend bangs the dizzy mother. But that wasn't to be either. I really don't know what the hell was going on in this. Something about the blonde bimbo putting some metal object into the muscle-brained moron's forehead that then transmitted what he saw onto her computer screen. Blah blah blah. The guy steps in dog crap at one point and comes home drunk at all hours of the morning. The only reason I'm writing this is so you know that I was watching it. This was complete horsesh.. and everyone involved with this "movie", and I do mean everyone, needs to be institutionalized.
Alienate (2016)
You'll have more fun cleaning up your dog's mess after taking him for a walk
OK, I get it. When you have the desire to write and make a movie but don't have the Hollywood connections or greenbacks to make it an A-level movie, you do the best you can and you surprise everyone with a great B- movie. This wasn't the case. This was a complete dog turd. Waaaay too much time spent flashing back, flashing forward, flashing sideways. There was so much flashing I had a seizure! I would sue the filmmakers, but I mean, seriously, there is no way in hell this movie turned a profit. Even with the writers, producers, and actors forcing their family members to go to the theater to see it. How about a couple of flashbacks and then keep the rest of the story line linear? Huh? How about that? The lead chump was such a moron I wanted to beat him over the head with that sledgehammer he used to whack that one alien. If breathing weren't involuntary, that moron would have asphyxiated a long time ago. Does this moron not understand the rule about picking up bizarre weirdos on the side of the highway in the middle of the night? I really had to laugh at that. Then, he does it again with that chick in the middle of the road. Too bad that farmer Brown with his straw hat wasn't a better shot with his gun. He would have done all of us a favor. Now, I gotta admit, his wife was a cutie- patootie, but ultimately just another empty-headed bimbo. And once again here's a chance where the director could have earned at least a little thumbs up had he given the audience a nice gratuitous booty shot of her when she was in the shower. But he didn't. Blown opportunity! And what was the deal with all the airplanes falling out of the sky? How about explain that a bit? And then the ending. Holy crap!!! I wanted to kick in my television screen. If anybody can forward me the address of the writer or director of this embarrassment, please do, I'll find him and waterboard him to within inches of his life. This movie didn't know what the hell it wanted to be so, as is readily apparent, the writers and producers simply ripped off Close Encounters, Signs, The X-Files, War of the Worlds, and Battle Los Angeles and made an awful hodge-podge, hot mess, puke-o-rama of a "movie". But this movie? Jeez, this movie makes some of those Syfy channel "Asylum" movies look like Oscar gold. For the love of God, don't waste your time watching this!
Are You Here (2013)
This didn't know what it wanted to be
Stumbled across this title on Netflix. Saw who was in it, saw it was relatively recent, so I gave it a watch. Starts out making you think its gonna be a Pineapple Express kind of vehicle. Ends up being more like a mish-mash of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and every other Rom-Com you've ever had the misfortune to watch. Yes, its that convoluted. I will admit I did chuckle a few time, but too few to warrant a higher rating. I will give the director credit for throwing the audience a few bones and having some nice gratuitous booty and booby shots of some really good looking babes. That gets a couple of extra points from me. As far as the other actors go - Zack Gandalfgondorwhatever plays his usual bizarre self. Owen Wilson puts his crooked, smashed schnozz to work as well, Amy Poehler does her usual bit. I think the director and writer really didn't know where they wanted to go with this. Funny? Serious? Rom-Com? Turned out to be just a passing of 2 hours. But, like I said, some nice skin shots really saved it for me. But maybe I was just feeling overly horny to begin with. Anyhoo...