Idiot-Deluxe Reviews

Blood Games (1990)

Not entirely unlike an Andy Sidaris action flick/T & A fest.

[4/10 · 26 March 2021]

Now here's a nasty little title that's managed to elude my notice for the past 30 years, having only been familiar with it for a short time I can say upon first impression that "Blood Games" is entertaining enough for the most part, but yet at the same time, owing much to the fact that it's a B movie, it's also quite inconsistent. I found this to be VERY much the type of movie the late great Andy Sidaris would have put together, had he ever gone in a more "Hard R" direction as the similarities between his films and this are obvious and undeniable. But unfortunately Blood Games falls a bit short of the mark and doesn't have anywhere near the charm and likeability factor that the Sidaris films have; nor is there as much nudity, plus the Sidaris films simply had hotter chicks, who were typically cast straight from the pages of Playboy (and Penthouse) magazine.

I found the main thing that Blood Games excels at (it's main thrust so to speak) is how quickly and strongly the movie builds up it's air of vindictive hostility and violence that looms over "Babe & the Ball Girls". Who must endure the very real and ever-present threat of rape and murder (by the hands of vengeful alcoholic mountain yokels), a terrible fate hangs over these lovely ladies and the tension is often so thick you can cut it with a knife. Fortunately for them most of the rapin' and murderin' hillbillies aren't competent, incontinent likely yes, but competent no not so much and their often more of a threat to themselves then they are their quarry. Perhaps if they'd put down their brewskies for just a minute or two, they would have had more luck hunting down, raping and murdering people with lethal weapons and live ammunition. Just a thought.

If there's a technical aspect that comes to mind that works against the film it would be sound issues. In several scenes the dialog is hard to make out and is very low in volume, it's sounds like the boom mike wasn't close enough. On the plus side the films location photography is strikingly beautiful with mountainous terrain, pine trees and a waterfall. I found that many of the films most action-packed moments were surprisingly well staged and there impact was further enhanced by some notably slick film editing; definitely of a higher caliber than one would expect from such a movie. On a side-note, I can't stop thinking how awesome a scene involving a bear trap would have been. Lastly, whoever composed this films music was very obviously using Jerry Goldsmith's score for First Blood as a blueprint, yep, almost to the point of plagiarism at times.

Ultimately if you like sleazy, violent, trashy, cinema than Blood Games, while no masterpiece, is certainly a fun way to spend and hour and a half of your time on a Sunday afternoon. Also a bit of advise and that is to have cold beer and pork rinds at the ready, because for this type of trash they'll make the perfect companion I promise you.

Conclusion: Blood Games is a very ugly and mean-spirited jaunt through the woods fully living up to it's grim title and the level of misogyny on display here is off-the-charts; and, of course, scores additional points for it's high T & A factor.

Gold Raiders (1982)

Absolutely terrific is some ways, while utterly terrible in others. B-List Gold!

[5/10 · 21 September 2020]

Goldraiders is the epitome of a mixed bag and is entirely prototypical for the era - to point of being textbook. It's quality (or lack of it) is simply all over the place, in some scenes it's intensely entertaining, whereas in others it completely falls flat. Starring the dependable B-lister Robert Ginty and a supporting cast of even lesser known actors (for some this is their sole acting credit) join his ranks and form an "elite crack commando unit" and seek to recover lost gold in jungles of Thailand. Though I find this movie to be quite inconsistent as a whole, but don't worry because there's plenty of fun to be had.

Some of the movies strong suits are as follows:

1: Thee awesomely villainous and over-the-top general with the mustache (something all proper movie villains should have) and his remarkably evil gravelly voice, which is used to great effect as he delivers most of the movies best lines. 2: The shoot-em-up scenes are well done, but not award winning, replete with airborne knives and even some hatchets and are complemented by some good old blood-packs - and not that crap, that computer-generated-red-paint-stuff that's added in post, typically used in modern movies. 3: The dialog, oh the dialog... The dialog for this film is so badly written AND delivered, well...it will have you chuckling away, I know I did. 4: Sarah Langenfeld (never heard of her either) was quite a nice piece, she has a wet t-shirt/semi-nude scene which comes roaring into view in the middle of the movie and is one of the most abrupt scene transitions you'll ever see, with jarring suddeness and zero subtlety - TERRIBLE EDITING! 5: Solid underwater SCUBA action scene, not entirely dissimilar to what's seen in 007's Thunderball - just not as good. 6: The goofy motorcycle/gyrocopter that's powered, curiously enough, by a "special kind of crystal" that NASA uses to power a "space ship". Whether it's driving or flying that crap-tas-tic contraption will have you in stitches - good stuff. 7: The jungle scenery is refreshing and pleasing to the eye, not a fast food joint or titty bar seen anywhere in this flick, just war machines and bloodshed really.

On the downside there are several boring scenes throughout the film that you'll have to sit through to get to the end, great for bathroom breaks. But for a Robert Ginty movie Goldraiders is a top-of-the-line production and it has, very much, a Cannon Films feel to it and on that note if you're a fan of 80's action films I'd also recommend his "Exterminator" movies. Again, Goldraiders is simply B-List Gold. Period.

Bill & Ted Face the Music (2020)

Bill & Ted's Minimally Exceptional Reunion Tour

[5/10 · 2 September 2020]

First things first, this movie took entirely too long to happen, they obviously should never have waited 29 years -THAT'S 29 YEARS- to make a third movie. Now, in 2020 we have Bill and Ted Face The Music and I'm sad to say the results are lukewarm at best. If you know the first thing about this beloved film series (revisit 1989 for a moment) you'll know that the characters of Bill and Ted hinged upon a certain palpable and irrepressible youthful energy and enthusiasm (and extreme idiocy), which served them well - when they were in their twenties. But know Reeves and Winter are in their mid-50's and in this movie that familiar trademark charm of Bill S. Preston Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan simply isn't there anymore, only in fleeting glimpses really and even then it's less charming than before. And other than the up-grade in the special effects, which was a given, I don't think this has an edge over the original in any way.

Besides Alex and Keanu's declining energy and charm, the rest of the cast didn't exactly help them out much. Especially the actresses who played their daughters, bad characters with no chemistry between the two of them and the only result is one cringe-worthy scene after another. Sad. The plot is a total cluster**** and at one point there was three pairs of time-travelers happening at the same time, which makes things just too damn busy for events to flow with any sense of coherency or logic - even in a Bill and Ted alternate reality. With regret Face The Music falls on it's face largely due to: bad casting, bad acting and a plot that's all over the place and poorly thought out (surely this isn't the work of the original writers???), there's also an over-reliance on special effects (but what do you expect from a modern movie). I'm sorry but this is movie is cringey and should never have been made at this point in time, Bill and Ted are too old and the magic that once was, is no more. This movie, obviously, should have been made back in the 90's. But it wasn't and now we have....this....but hey at least they tried, right.

Oh and Happy Birthday Keanu Reeves!!! #56

Cujo (1983)

Of infidelity and auto-mechanics......AND rabid dogs.

[6/10 · 29 July 2020]

So a Saint Bernard becomes rabid and kills some people, hmm, on the surface "Cujo" has to be the most conventional premise for a story ever penned by Stephen King. Plus there's also the fact that nearly last 40 minutes or so take place almost entirely inside a broken down Ford Pinto. This sounds pretty forgettable already doesn't it. But not so fast, because in this film Cujo, the dog (who without this movie would be pointless) is used to spectacular effect, the rabid attacks are very carnal and hard-hitting and in your face, even riveting at times and the intensity of those close-ups are something else (similar in intensity to a bear mauling). The thing that I noticed with Cujo is the amount effort the film-makers put into making the dog as menacing and as brutal as possible and the farther you get into the movie the more obvious it becomes. Their thinking must have been somewhere along the lines of "if we don't have a dog we don't have a movie and if we don't have the RIGHT dog we have a lame movie". What's also glaringly obvious is the films human element isn't anywhere close to be interesting enough to carry the plot AND keep the audience entertained at the same time, without the dog this would be indiscernible from a Hallmark Channel movie. As with "Cujo" I think you'll agree, the story is so conventional and so uninteresting that it pretty much relies entirely on killer-rabid-dog-activity, again without it, this movie is nothing. With that being said the film is fairly well cast, especially so for the female lead, as you can really feel her pain and misery as Cujo waits eagerly for her company. Also credit the crew or whoever made Cujo look so utterly sick...and well, RABID! The ole boy's eye goo still lingers on my mind.

So if you suddenly find yourself wanting to see a movie featuring a foaming-from-the-mouth mad dog than look no further, Cujo delivers the goods. One last thing, has anyone been keeping score all these years? Stephen King film adaptions have a notoriously spotty track record, MANY are indeed quite bad, however this film happens to be among one of the better ones (I'd say 3rd or 4th best) behind The Shinning and The Dead Zone and maybe one other.

The Vampire Is Still Alive (1989)

Terrible, even for G Ho. Watch the first RoboVampire instead.

[1/10 · 19 July 2020]

.....and the Oscar for best screenplay goes to? Godfrey Ho, RoboVampire 3!

Excerpt A "The air in the float got out, making me go into the water."

Excerpt B "Ray, this is that b---h, her name is Jackie and she works for Lawrence, she's a PI and I want her very dead."

Yep, even by Godfrey Ho standards "Counter Destroyer" (also known as "RoboVampire 3" or "The Vampire Is Still Alive") is just plain awful and not much fun at all, quite UNlike the first entry in the series, which is as entertaining as it is terrible. The movies plot (an odd word to use when describing a Godfrey Ho film) though lame, is to his credit a bit more coherent than a lot of his movies. But none the less this movie still has that scatterbrained quality, that all of his work has, so you'll likely be grinning and cringing throughout. Also for a Godfrey Ho ninja flick the violence factor in this one is much lower than one would expect, which doesn't help things along.

But the movies not a total loss as there are some funny things happening, such as the voice over work which, as always, is very badly done, often to the point of being comically bad and in a highly whimsical way. There are some stupidly funny characters (a Ho standard), some are downright ludicrous. The "peeing kid" near the end is really funny, especially when he starts jumping! Also, when the robo-character first makes his appearance, not being one for subtly, is utterly, cringingly tasteless - again even by Godfrey Ho standards. On the plus side, the robo-suit isn't quite as cheaply made here, as compared to the first film, not that that matters.

Alas in the end I'm afraid there's simply not enough to keep you hooked and this is easily one of Godfrey Ho's worst movies and if you aren't familiar with his work I'll spell it out for you: this is a really bad, bad, movie.

Wake in Fright (1971)

A sweaty fever dream of beer-soaked debauchery and depravity

[8/10 · 13 July 2020]

Disclaimer: No kangaroo's were killed in the making of this movie.

"Wake In Fright" is the gripping journey of a young Australian man whose bored and unhappy with his life as a schoolteacher and it's whilst on summer vacation that, through a series of poor decisions, his life takes a drastic and utterly depraved turn into unfamiliar territory - both psychically and psychologically.

Directed by Ted Kotcheff and shot on location in Australia in 1970 Wake In Fright is a highly compelling and well put together two hours decadent entertainment. The cast is simply perfect and the films cinematography, editing, sound-recording and music score, are equally great, which merge together with seamless cohesion and lots of energy, this I must say, creates quite a trip for the audience; and need I mention the midnight kangaroo hunts. Indeed Wake In Fright is marvelously entertaining movie with rarely a dull moment anywhere, however, I found it to be at it's best and most energetic (and most unhinged) when the film takes to the Australian outback; which does much in forwarding it's narrative of a film of ever-changing landscapes and (from the stars own naive and tortured perspective) a spectrum of extreme emotional highs and lows. Wake In Fright is a film that's notable effective in depicting the dangers of the seven deadly sins, well okay, maybe not all seven of them, but several. But perhaps the films most vividly over-the-top depiction of sin (and a strong argument for eugenics) are that of the way's the Aussie kangaroo hunter, who as seen in this film at least, are nothing short of living monuments to: alcoholism, inbreeding, over-the-top macho bravado, drunk driving and firearms, which surprise surprise, turns out to be a combustible combination. In short, when the beer begins to flow with these guys, it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. But I do gotta hand it to those Aussie-boy's they sure do know how to have fun - even if they are idiots. It was while watching this film that I began to wish kangaroos could talk and I'd be all-ears as to what they would to say about us as a species. Another thing that came to my notice was, even though this was filmed in Australia, that not one damn dingo did I see, nor even a can of Foster's. In other words if you were expecting a movie with all the Aussie-stereotypes you'll probably be disappointed. But somehow I doubt that was cast and crews intent, as I think you'll agree that this is a very high-brow take, on a VERY low-brow subject; which again is largely attributable to Ted Kotcheff's praise-worthy direction.

Having only recently seen Wake In Fright for the first time, it turns out this film has a real history behind it and was hated by most when initially released and over the decades had become a lost film. Stupid, bumbling, short-sighted people. However thanks to the diligent efforts of Mr. Anthony Buckley (the films editor) Wake In Fright is a lost film no longer. A 100% successful recovery, so again Mr. Buckley thank you.

One last thought: After seeing Wake In Fright does anyone else share the opinion that it's the second best movie (after The Road Warrior, of course) to ever come out of Down Under?

The Super Ninja (1984)

Insanely awesome Ninja flick! Set the screen alight!

[10/10 · 9 July 2020]

I've seen more than a few Ninja movies over the years, but it wasn't until just yesterday that I crossed paths with "The Super Ninja" and what a trip it was.

This is an amazingly entertaining Ninjafest, there's so many things happening in this movie, it's almost as if the cast and crew collectively put together a check-list encompassing all things they thought should be in a Ninja movie and as of yet I've never seen a more entertaining title in the genre. Alexander Rei Lo may not be the best known or most charismatic star, but really delivers with his fighting skills and Kuo-Ren Wu must have been one hell of a director who really knew how to put together a thrilling Ninja movie. Hell, they even threw in a great sex scene right in the middle of movie (it can't karate chops and roundhouses all the time, right?) that's accompanied by some utterly terrific sounding vintage porn music, which gets even more terrific as she, I mean he, I mean they, I mean-I mean...the scene, as the scene reaches it's climax. Porn music connoisseurs take note. Speaking of music, this to should be mentioned, there are at least the three selections of Johns Williams' music that were "borrowed" from Star Wars and Indiana Jones and they also used a selection from Psycho. But the Chinese never steal intellectual property from the West, right? LOL!

Take note of the fight choreography and tell me that it isn't among the best you've ever seen and from a photography standpoint it was captured with an amazingly high degree of style and sophistication by the camera crew. Also my full gratitude goes to whoever did the editing, masterfully done. And if that wasn't enough the special effects are often brilliant and tremendously exciting !FISTS OF FIRE! Don't let the films ultra-generic and downright laughably juvenile title >>>THE SUPER NINJA<<< turn you off, because it was helmed by a very talented, experienced, and sophisticated crew who produced brilliant results; with the exception of the script of course...but that can easily be forgiven, because since when are these type of movies known for there writing. Since never. Speaking of dialog, the less than perfect over-dubbing (like many Asian films) makes The Super Ninja more entertaining than it otherwise would have been.

Lastly, if Ninja movies are your kind of thing, well than film buffs, THE SUPER NINJA really IS very super and totally lives up to it's goofy title and is not be missed. Period.

The Edge (1997)

Bear-centric wilderness epic, very solid.

[7/10 · 16 June 2020]

The Edge is a very effective movie on several counts and is a blast to watch. Sporting a terrific A-list cast most notably Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin (his character is a real POS in this) and others. This suspenseful film is tightly crafted and will provide you with plenty of thrills, in light of the movies real star - a relentless man-eating bear. A "Mr. Kodiak", if you will. It's presence is very, very, menacing indeed and the attack scenes more or less put you right in the action, because that's just how vivid they are (and the bear attack in "Revenant" (2015) dials up the intensity and brutality even more). One of the best aspects of this film is it's grand scenic setting (scenic photography) which shows off the glorious splendor of the Canadian (?) wilderness ever so effectively. The greatest of film maestro's, Jerry Goldsmith, composed a notably effective score for this film and his music really drives home the "bear element" quite marvelously, with lots of powerful brass, thundering percussion and recurring low-end piano punctuations - thank you for very punchy sounds, Jerry. All in all though not perfect, The Edge is very solid all the same. But as far as criticism goes for this film I'd have to say that Baldwin's acting can be a grating (verging on embarrassing once or twice), some scenes in particular his over-acting is, well, you'll see. The Edge is a total pro-production in every aspect and is potent in it's delivery, trust me when I say you're bound to be entertained - to say the least. There really should be MORE wilderness epics like THIS (it's a breath of fresh air to get away from all the strip joints, gas stations, apartment buildings, military bases and parking lots - to say the least), but that never seems to happen. Lastly, am I imagining things or is this film a bit under-rated.

Rambo III (1988)

Rambo III: Has there ever been a movie that's so beloved and reviled!?!

[9/10 · 12 June 2020]

Man alive, what a classic of the genre! Out of all the spectacular over-the-top action films of the 80's Rambo III is definitely the most violent and over-the-top and a thrill to watch every time. To any and all action film fans, if it's visceral hyper-violence that you seek, well here's your answer: Rambo III is and will always be one of your best options.

With the release of Rambo III in May of 1988 Carolco's best and, at the time, most-profitable film franchise had reached it's creative peak and Stallone was in the best shape of his life - and that's confirmed by the man himself. It's obvious from the onset Carolco really did break the bank and pulled out all the stops for the third (and best) entry in the series and it's production values reflect that fact, which are way above what's seen in the earlier films and at the time it was one the most expensive films ever made. Getting right to it, I like virtually every aspect of this movie, from it's massive action sequences to it's set design (the Rusky mountain base!), to it's striking location photography, and then maestro Goldsmith's (always excellent) musical mastery and on the more technical side of things, Rambo III's cinematography and film-editing are a masterclass of the genre and for film-making in general, and remain so to this day. But for me it's always been the films magnificent helicopter stunts, which are seen very liberally throughout the movie, that provide the most entertainment. The mighty MI-24 Hind gunship. Tell me, is there any Machine of War that's more entertaining to bring to the screen than a Hind gunship? I don't think so either and don't forget the T-72 tank.

Rambo III capitalized in all ways possible on the momentum of the first two films and remains the crowning achievement of the original trilogy and, without exaggerating, raised the bar of action-movie-excellence to a new level. **Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that, Die Hard, was released just two months later and is better in more ways than not, BUT, Rambo III does pack more bombs, bullets, blood, Hind gunships and testosterone FACTS!**. All in all I think a fellow IMDb reviewer said it best about this amazing action film, with these words: Rambo III is "cinematic excess done entirely the right way". I could not agree more with that statement. So if you like your action films to be: gloriously over-the-top, belching with smoke and fire and marinated in blood, gasoline and testosterone, well than my friend, Rambo III is the action film for you. But, however, on more of a down-note, judging by the current and dismal state of action films (FURY ROAD being very much the exception) it's looking more and more likely that this marvel, born out of the excesses of the 80's, will remain among the best for all times. In present times there's just too damn many corny comic book flicks, L-A-F Jurassic Park sequels, Jason Statham movies ("The Meg", anyone), and lastly, the ever-present threat posed by a loathsomely inferior remake - unwanted and unrequested.

If I have any complaints about the movie it would certainly be the questionable need for "the kid"......and don't forget the moronic "goat game" sequence. And on the matter of sound, when compared to the standards of today, the sound mix of Rambo III, is at times, a little out-dated and under-powered unfortunately.

And now onto the contemptuous side of things. I've never even begun (or even tried) to understand the contempt for this enthralling, expertly made, top-tier, action film. Some say that it attempts to "glamorize" Russia's military occupation of Afghanistan, which seems illogical to me, because I vividly recall Rambo killing a whole lotta Russian's, the invading force, the infidels, not the Afghans. Some people just like to over-think things - that don't need to be over-thought. It's not trying to convey some kind of deeply profound message that pulls at your heartstrings, that's what drama's are for. This as an action film, and of the highest order, stop trying to paint it as something that it's not. Also, some people are so off in their judgement that they actually refer to THIS MOVIE, Rambo III, as being "boring". Let that sink in. To those "type" of people this is my advice to you: By all means do not hesitate in getting warm, wet, and familiar with the TV show "Call the Midwife", because after all, that's MUCH more likely to be your thing. Girlfriend.

This movie (and many others) is NOT for: soy boys, vegans, SJW-types, fans of figure-skating and those who wear penny loafers.

Cybernator (1991)

Absolutely Crap-Tacular ! ! !

[1/10 · 4 June 2020]

Low-budget Sci-Fi/Action-Trash, Troma does it again!

C-Y-B-E-R-N-A-T-O-R is that a cringey enough title for you LOL! Yep, the very title of this movie just reeks of low-budget cyborg versus cyborg action and, not surprisingly, that's exactly what we get. And guess what? It's bad, but good for laughs though.

Starting with James Cameron's classic genre-defining film: The Terminator (released to great acclaim in October of 1984) there was an explosion of "cyborg" themed action films (most of which suck, including the last several Terminator films) in the later half of the 80's and well into the 90's. These movies are typically low-budget and were indifferently churned out in great numbers by mostly B-List talent (cast and crew alike) who were, shall we say, not burdened by fame (or even marginal recognition) and expectations. Fortunately the bulk of these movies were direct-to-video, so they never soiled the big screen to any great extent. Anyways back to Cybernator, sad to say this stodgy amateurish effort represents the genre to a T and is a profoundly underwhelming movie by all measures; starting with it's lame opening credits sequence and ending with a VERY VERY lackluster finale, this movie offers it's viewers little in the way of entertainment. On the plus-side, I did thoroughly enjoy the high-energy scene with the sleazy adulterous couple in the beginning, they're over-the-top acting is a real hoot and it's easily the movies most energetic scene.

As for an overview of CYBERNATOR (again, that title LOL!!!) the cast is bad - as is their acting, the script is often questionable (but hey, who wouldn't want to be a "Blackhawk 2000" cyborg, right?) the sets are very cheap, the location photography is boring and mundane, the movie is often poorly paced and it's action scenes are less than stellar - to downright unconvincing (Having just taken multiple rounds in the gut! Just lay down and play dead, very convincing). This film would have been better had they cast David Carradine in the lead, he was made for low-budget action-trash like this and his filmography is proof of that. You will be amusingly underwhelmed at how lame most of the cyborgs look, due to their terrible looking make-up and prosthetics and how about the "dumpy cyborg" about 70 minutes in. ROFL! With all joking aside there's not one single impressive action sequence or even any good stunts to be seen anywhere and with that being said one can easily -and quite logically- conclude that Cybernator is, by all possible metrics, a total failure of an action film. Terminator 2 this is not. Hell, this well below Cyborg Cop 2 for that matter OR EVEN Robo Vampire.....

Closing Note: "Cybernator" is simply as amateurish as they come and you can safely skip it and not miss out on anything - at all. However, if you have a fetish for terrible movies, like I do, then by all means watch Cybernator TODAY! But please don't spend and therefore waste any money on it, because it's not worth a dime or a damn.

To anyone: In the scene with the 350 pound belly-dancer (I know - WTF?), is that James Cameron in a cameo or do my senses betray me? It looks like him. It sounds like him. Hmmmm.....

Suburban Sasquatch (2004 Video)

Nipplecentric Z Grade Trash Cinema

[1/10 · 3 May 2020]

The tagline for this one should read something like this: C-list non-actors accosted by roving hair-suit idiot with massive Sasquatchian pepperoni nipples!

Well that was quite terrible.....having seen "Suburban Sasquatch" the other day gang, I can confidently tell you all that it's easily among the worst films ever made - and dare I say it, in it's most charming of moments this stinking, low-budget, crapfest of a movie has something of a Birdemic-quality to it. So that's something in it's favor, I guess. Of obvious amateur make Suburban Sasquatch is profoundly sub-par in all possible aspects and that's especially true when speaking of the acting that's seen throughout the film. But worse yet are the horrifically bad (sub-Birdemic quality) CGI effects which very frequently stain and smear the screen with copious amounts of computer-generated gore; the films CGI effects are simply among the worst ever seen anywhere. Combine those terrible effects with the fact that this movie was shot on video and you have one of the most visually cringeworthy collision of pixels ever assimilated in the form of a movie.

The films cast is simply beyond terrible and all have day jobs, this is especially true for "Rick" the films scrappy and "quick-witted" reporter. This-shlub-has-absolutely-no-business-being-in-movies! And then there's "John" the sheriff whose just as inept, but he just doesn't have as much screen time to show off his pitifully pathetic acting talents. But perhaps the most pathetic part of this movie is the Sasquatch itself...or rather the Sasquatch's suit; for starters the fur on the hands does not match the rest of it's fur and the mask looks as phony as can be. BUT best (worst?) of all are those massive-inverted-Sasquatchian-pepperoni-nipples!!! Just who was the perv who made that obscene suit?

And so as this most heavy-handed of hack-jobs neared conclusion I found myself cataloging all the usual amateurish mistakes, and let me tell you along the way I checked-off virtually all the mistakes typically made by amateur film crews (continuities EVERYWHERE, bad lighting, inconsistent sound, etc) though surprisingly enough I don't recall ever seeing the boom-mike in frame, so good job there guys! All in all this film really does have a Birdemic feel to it, BUT it's even worse and has an even lower budget. I can say that Suburban Sasquatch does get off to a much faster start, because after all there's murder in the air.

And on the matter of memorable director cameos just forget about Sorcese in Taxi Driver or any of Hitchcock's trademark pop-ins, this film has the absolute best one AND at the same time we also get one of the best reaction shots ever "Dave...".

So wrapping things up Suburban Sasquatch is bad on all counts, BUT it also has many moments of purely nonsensical fun. But I warn you to only watch it once - your brain will thank you for that later on.

Very, very, few movies are worse than Suburban Sasquatch and on that note - Sasquatch Nipples over and out!

Robo Vampire (1988)

HILARIOUS! At least it's entertainingly bad.

[1/10 · 8 December 2019]

ROBO VAMPIRE!

This one is so bad, it's good. Let's fry some brain cells together. Roll tape!

What an experience! Having watched this slice of Godfrey Ho action-trash the other day, I found myself to be both simultaneously enlightened and disgusted at just how insanely terrible and utterly scatter-brained this movie is. But best of all though, it's also incredibly entertaining. This is truly amateur alchemy in movie form and in it's own unique way is brilliant. For the uninitiated "Robo Vampire" is the hack-job work of none other than the great Godfrey Ho! A cinematic mad scientist/hack film director, whose specialty was making the MOST and the WORST martial arts films that any director ever has and he is very much the "Ed Wood of Kung Fu Cinema". The sheer awfulness of this mans body of work cannot be over-stated. Now that I've flattered Master Ho let me try to describe his movie: Robo Vampire. Upon first impression it looks like multiple movies (maybe as many as 3 different ones) have been sloppily edited and spliced together, just like many other Godfrey Ho titles seem to be, so don't expect anything in the way of a coherent plot. And as with any of Ho's movies you have their typically terrible and down-right stupid sounding dialogue (and over-dubbing it in English only makes it sound worse). But best of all is Godfrey Ho's habit of ripping-off popular American-made action films and done so in the most amateur and ham-handed way humanly imaginable. He flavored his own movies with elements that were obviously taken/plagiarized from other, better, movies. Such as "Ninja TERMINATOR" for instance. Yes, built right into the title sometimes, he made it that overtly obvious and did it often. But for ROBO Vampire, well obviously it's something of a ROBOCop rip-off. (NOTE* RoboCop was released the previous year.) If you see the artwork for this movie it literally has RoboCop's image plastered all over it, front and center, subtle. Definitely one of the most blatant examples of copyright infringement I can think of. And is that not the lamest and cheapest looking "robo suit" you've ever seen. As always, amazing production values from Team Ho! Yep, as he demonstrated for us many, many, times over the years, Godfrey Ho had a talent for making movies with a heavy hand... but had little in the way of actual talent. I also highly suspect drug use to be in the mix too, always just so damn incoherent, always.

Well now that I've wasted about an hours time, in conclusion, after having seen the unhinged brilliance that is "Robo Vampire"..... I can confidently conclude that no one else could cobble together a terrible (and incoherent) action film quite like Godfrey Ho. HE IS LEGEND. Make some more man!

Food-For-Thought: If this movie had an aroma, what would it smell like?

Off-hand I couldn't rightly say, but instinct tells me it would be a hideous amalgam of all that is highly odious. But honestly I'd love to hear some of the infernal combinations you guys could come up with. (Pinches his nose *tightly* closed.)

Blood Theatre (1984)

Not to be watched more than once, if that.

[1/10 · 7 July 2019]

Rick Sloane the genius-director-extraordinaire who brought us "Hobgoblins" summoned up all his incompetence with an even worse movie. Enter: BLOOD THEATRE!

If by any chance you guessed BLOOD THEATRE is a horror film (of sorts) you're on the right track, but it's also a movie that's not scary or funny (though it tries to be both), is visually hideous in more ways than one with a bland and/or ugly B-list cast of nobodies all sporting outlandishly dated clothes/costumes and to top things off the movie has an insanely lame and repetitive Casio keyboard type-a-soundtrack. Yep, this is a movie that's truly worthy of your hatred and scorn and you should consider yourself truly lucky if you never see it. But if you have seen it (as I have) I'd say it's your civic duty to warn others about bad this movie really is. It's a total waste of time. Period.

Briefly on the plot of this abortion of a movie, which revolves around the premise of a haunted movie theater (any one else getting Scooby-Doo vibes after hearing that) and the hauntings/murders that happen therein. Basically it looks like an untalented and perhaps inexperienced film crew and director attempted to recreate the success of Poltergeist (1982), but with Blood Theatre instead of the trappings of a modest suburban home, the movie takes place almost entirely lamely meandering around the corridors of an old "haunted" movie palace. And did they succeed? Hell No. This movie is pure garbage...and not even in a fun way, which also means that Rick Sloane directed a movie that's worse than Hobgoblins...this is below even that. Sad.

But I must say after seeing this repugnantly terrible movie it does seem to be the cast that's most at fault, as to why Blood Theater is such a dismal-dismal-dismal experience. It's almost as if they (the cast) were too stupid to realize they were being haunted. Message to the casting agent: "YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!!!". But sadly they probably did work again, which probably resulted in more bad casting in future productions. What a sad, sad movie.

With that being said I have seen worse movies, but Blood Theatre still isn't excused.

Fatal Deviation (1998 Video)

One of the worst action films ever made...

[1/10 · 7 July 2019]

...and it was all filmed directly onto VHS tape to boot and it looks like it. One can't cringe hard enough.

CRACK-A-BOOM! Now THIS, right here, is how everyone should start off a film career! Because the instant you press that play button your screen is absolutely set ablaze and crackling with the raw, untamed energy of James Bennett (Irish kick-boxing legend, iconic action star and all around badass) and it's then that you'll realize that an unparalleled level of action movie ecstasy has been achieved.

But of course, with all sarcasm aside, none of that's really true when watching this remarkably lame, sub-amateurish movie...

Right from the start star/director extraodinaire James Bennett reveals his great talent and singular vision of cinema in his film debut: FATAL DEVIATION! At the time of filming he was only 22 years old, appeared to have no experience what-so-ever in film-making and is obviously a Jean Claude Van Damme wannabe in the worst possible way. This movie resoundingly proves that not always is mimicry the highest form of flattery, as Bennett clearly idolizes Van Damme, to the point of having his picture on the wall wasn't a big enough clue. But even more revealing is the fact that on several occasions Bennett try's his best to stage and replicate specific scenes from Van Damme's movies (mostly from Kick Boxer and Hard Target) with absolutely terrible looking results.

I won't speak of the plot, other than to say it's indeed a very impressive one. I can say that the acting in this movie is some worst and most wooden ever seen and people say Van Damme's a bad actor, but just what till you see this! The films dialog is kept to a minimum at all times (which often makes for some very abrupt scene transitions) and that's a plus, because you might have guessed it, the writing for this is woeful. The sound of the film is VERY lo-fi and often seems muffled (the gun-shots near the end for instance), at times some of the dialog is hard to make out and also it must be said that whoever picked the musical selections did as bad a job as humanly possible. Just listen to musical abominations that comprise Fatal Deviations soundtrack.

Back to the plagiarizing angle for a moment it's almost as blatant here as it is with Reb Brown's Strike Commando (1987), which proceeds to rip-off every other scene from Rambo II, as they copy, stage and limply recreate scene after scene from much better action films made years earlier. Again I saw more than a fleeting glimpse of both Kick Boxer and Hard Target (and likely some other titles) while watching Fatal Deviation. Coincidence? Most definitely not. This film stands as a great example for why it's so important that a qualified and experienced film director (or in James Bennett's case an "actual" film director) be hired to deftly and cohesively direct a picture, because if not movies such as Fatal Deviation show up and litter the cinematic horizon.

Just for a joke: Compare the levels of technical excellence of Fury Road, Aliens, T2, Rambo III or even Snake Eater III to this movie. Yeah, that's quite a difference.

Lastly, come on guys, stop with the flagrantly wrong 10 star "Perfect" ratings. The sarcasms great, but rating it that high is stupid and nonsensical.

Sabrina (1954)

Boggie, Holden n' Hepburn and a Hemorrhoid Hammock!

[27 May 2019]

Not really my kind of movie, what with all it's excessive sentimentality and tearful "Oh woe is me" moments, but I got through it. The cast is certainly great, the dialog is often clever and has a way of livening up and energizing the moment, but unfortunately that's not enough to keep the ship afloat and the film very often turns into an very tedious display of overwrought emotions, by overwrought people - Hepburn in particularly. I like the humor of the film immensely and if it were a comedy, and only a comedy, it would be a breeze to watch.

After seeing Sabrina for the first and only time I can confidently conclude that not one, but two cinematic first's where achieved. Firstly, a guy named "Linus" gets the girl at the end. A lady-killer named Linus? That doesn't exist. Secondly, evidently there's such a thing as a "hemorrhoid hammock" and wow that one really turned my existence up-side down. Isn't it simply just amazing at what comes to light sometimes and this movie was made 65 years ago, so on that note it was definitely ahead of it's time. And don't under-estimate the importance of that hammock.

The individual performances are all top-notch, Bogart still had the spark, Holden is rarely if ever more energetic and Audrey.....well she cry's a lot as the titular lead-character and at that stage in her life she looked a lot like a less impressive/less exotic version of Sophia Loren - but with much bigger feet (size 10). Not to say that's all that she does. Hepburn, Holden and Bogart all seem to have an equal amount of bright moments and snappy dialog, she often projects an air of sly wit, which is only intensified by her bright and beautiful eyes.

It must be said, how beautiful Hepburn's eyes appear in any given scene in this film, the light seems to reflect off them just right.

I can confidently say that by no means is this Billy Wilder's best work, that would be Sunset Boulevard for me, but also likely not to be his worst, either.

But really I'd just like to know who had the idea for that hammock...

I Eat Your Skin (1971)

Quite bad, yet surprisingly likable (how do they do it!)

[2/10 · 7 May 2019]

Zombie also known as "I Eat Your Skin" is a low-budget, black and white, not-so-spectacular zombie-trudge from the mid-60's and though this movie bad in more ways than not, it's also quite entertaining at the same time, in fact much more so then it has a right to, so it's not all bad.

Things get started at the hotel in Miami that you see in the beginning of Goldfinger, where our handsome square-jawed hero (a romance novelist by trade) is entertaining bikini babes by the pool when suddenly an irate husband, quite humorously, interrupts their party. Exit hotel. Then after a short cab ride and a long flight we crash-land on the exotic shores of Voodoo Island! The cast of characters include the hero/romance novelist, some old guy (a literary agent or publisher or whatever) his blonde bimbo wife, a pair of toy dogs and the pilot. From this point on the movie is a trade-off between tropical settings, cheap sets and some of the lamest and tamest zombies ever put to screen and you know what - it's really all just fun and games.

What of the plot? The plot is very cleverly interwoven and tells an intricate tale, in fact it's so clever the whole film has a very pronounced Scooby-Doo'ish quality to it, from beginning to end they both boast a very similar feel and overall sensibility, plus it has that characteristic level of complexity that we're all so familiar with. "Oh! So heeeeee was the bad guy all along!". But it's not all bad, I like Scooby, maybe that's why this is so fun and likable. Also it must be said that there is some great calypso music to be heard here and the action scenes (if that's what you want to call them) are punctuated by a very effective combination of fuzz-tone guitar and primitive percussion, easily the best aspect of Zombie and I wish I had it on CD.

After watching it twice I can say that Zombie does modestly exceed my expectations in some respects, there's the aforementioned quality of it's music, plus it's cinematography is better than one would expect from something as obscure and forgotten as this. Also the films greyscale looks spot-on and is beautifully preserved in almost every shot which again is impressive considering the fact that this is just a crappy low-budget black and white movie from the 60's. And another thing, the sets, although they are indeed cheap looking they aren't anywhere near as bad as what you'd see, in say for instance an Ed Wood movie. No, this isn't quite on an Ed Wood level of badness, it's one step above and for that I'm grateful. I could say more, but I won't. Watch it. Have fun.

Conclusion: If there's on thing that everyone can agree upon it's the fact that Zombie is one laughably goofy movie. So bad movies CAN be good, in a way.....

Lastly, I couldn't recommend more highly that you see the Rifftrax version of Zombie - as it's funnier yet.

Octaman (1971)

Saw it on the big screen just last night! Awful!

[1/10 · 19 April 2019]

It's like this, if the monster were simply amazing and the action scenes were like-wise, this could have been an enthralling movie. But as it stands "Octaman" is essentially an hour and a half of nothing. Incidental humor is the movies only merit and it is without doubt one of the lamest monster movies of all time. Though even more horrifying yet, is the fact that there are at least three other monster flicks that are even lamer (Curse of Bigfoot, The Creeping Terror and Night Fright - not to be confused with Fright Night, which isn't bad).

So what's so bad about Octaman, well in short, everything.

Much of it's story-line is clearly lifted from the 1954 Universal classic "Creature from the Black Lagoon", so you have a good idea of what it's plot is about; and as it turns out one of the writers of Creature from the Black Lagoon also directed Octaman, but obviously without the same level of skill or success. Now to the heart of the film, the monster itself; or more accurately the suit that makes the monster. It's looks terrible. But sadly I've seen even worse. If the monster were spectacular looking much of the movies short-comings could be overlooked, but with the Octaman costume... well that's not even close to happening. Going by the title one would expect eight arms and for them all to be functional, however only two are, the other two simply hang limp, do nothing and wish they weren't in the movie. Granted many shots of the monsters head and face are amusing, but again that's only because the latex suit is so poorly designed and stupid looking. Which is another comparison one could make with the Creature from the Black Lagoon, it's monster-costume-design is amazing looking and a truly iconic creation, yet with Octaman...well it simply sucks and is UN-iconic, to say the least. Another thing to mention >>that's impossible to miss<< is how lacking in energy the monster is. Is someone's grandpa in that suit!?

As you'll see Octaman frequently bores you with several tedious go-nowhere scenes, such as the 5 minute-long night time boat scene or the lengthy tunnel crawling sequence, twice with that one. It's strange (and a break from the formula) at how few of the characters are killed by the monster, which was certainly a bad idea. Because as you know with these movies that's what's supposed to happen, the Monster kills several people and then at the end - several people kill it. That's how the formula goes, but not with Octaman. There's simply not enough mayhem to make for an exciting and entertaining monster romp; which happens to feature a monster that's so slow and so lame anyone could out-pace it, simply by walking away at a casual rate. Simply put the monster has no menace, and since the monster IS the movie, Octaman as a whole packs no menace what so ever and as a result is a profoundly boring movie. To put it another way, Octaman is to the world of cinema, that cold oatmeal is to the world of fine dining. It's no wonder that this pathetic movie was recently selected for satire by the guys from Rifftrax and to be honest that due to how dull this movie is, even they, in certain scenes, had a hard time injecting it with any sort energy or momentum. One reviewer claims that 90% of the film is "grinding tedium" and he is correct.

One other observation I could mention is: Whenever a movie dedicates that much screen-time to something as utterly mundane as a motor-home, well...you should not expect much from that movie. There must be half a dozen shots of the gangs RV doing nothing more than lazily traversing long stretches of unremarkable back roads; or even more riveting yet it can be seen lighting up the screen in several scenes with the cast gathered around it, doing such exciting things such as talking and drinking coffee or sitting in lawn-chairs while eating sandwiches.....and drinking coffee. Yep, that's the level of film-making where talking about here, sounds riveting, right? And after awhile this RV of their's seems to somehow, someway, become a member of the cast. It's their mobile home base, without it they're powerless. And I must say that the vehicles speed is perfectly representative of the movies pace, that is very s-l-o-w.

So in closing Octaman is: Terribly lame. Terribly boring. And well frankly, terribly terrible.

The Dirt Bike Kid (1985)

A 4th-grader and his magical dirt bike takes on Bullies, Bikers and Bankers AND saves Mike's Dog House too!

[13 March 2019]

Well well it's Peter Billingsley as Jack Simmons who is in turn: The Dirt Bike Kid! But in other words he happens to be a nerdy bespectacled 4th grader whose utterly obsessed with dirt bikes - and the cool-guy image that comes along with it, but not if his mom has anything to say about it. And so our tale begins one fateful day at the local Motocross track, when Jacky-Boy encounters someones grandpa, who with some carefully chosen words convinces Jack to buy a certain special, yet unassuming-looking, dirt bike on the cheap from it's current and utterly unworthy owner - some muddied-up punk with a mullet and a bad attitude named Max. Jack and Max will cross paths several times throughout the movie, just watch. Anyways, it's with this once-in-a-life-time purchase that, in the world of Jack Simmons - who is now in fact: The Dirt Bike Kid, that things really begin to heat up. And well... just expect a lot of mischief and shenanigans from a 4th grader, with a bowl-cut, riding around on a magical dirt bike, that can move by itself, make puttering fart noises, comically roll it's headlights, catapult unsuspecting riders from it's seat, link up with and/or "network" with primitive home computers, produce more torque than a bulldozer... oh, and it can also fly.

VROOM! VROOM! We're off!!! And whilst on the back of his special one-of-a-kind dirt bike Jack's adventures take him "all over town", yep, night or day Jack is a very busy boy indeed (vandalism, computer theft, public endangerment, multiple cases of criminal trespass, blackmail, etc.) and through-out the movie it's essentially a cat-and-mouse game between hot-shot Jack Simmons (aka the Dirt Bike Kid) and various evil factions; all of which have a vested interest in putting the meddlesome dirt bike kid out of action once-and-for-all! But Jack's not having any of that and well not to spoil it completely, let's just say that given the fact that he IS the movies hero, he prevails over evil... and saves Mike's Dog House as well. Now how can you top that, right? Also watch-out for those epic food fights inside Mike's place, where the film is perhaps at it's most nostalgic. The movies soundtrack tends to trade-off between the cringiest "radio-friendly" pop-rock - of the lowest possible strata (even for mid-80's standards) and goofy keyboard-based music, that would sound right at home in a cartoon episode of Heathcliff; which was very popular at the time and a great cartoon.

Coming from the mid-eighties it's no surprise that The Dirt Bike Kid comes absolutely loaded with nostalgia, as the film exudes that certain unmistakable vibe that so many movies of that era are alive with. And having been released right in the middle of the eighties it should be no surprise when I say that everything about this movie is very, very eighties - which is a good thing if your aim is to make a cheesy comedy about a kid and his magical dirt bike which has super powers. It's like this: The Dirt Bike Kid is very corny, very funny (in a completely infantile sort of way), and well, very 1985 - the same year that also brought us: The Goonies, Back To The Future, Weird Science, Real Genius, Teenwolf, The Heavenly Kid, Better Off Dead, Just One of The Guys, My Science Project and many other distinctively corny comedy classics.

The Monster Walks (1932)

The Monster. . .

[1/10 · 7 February 2019]

. . . (and cue drum-roll) wait for it - wait for it. WALKS!!! Wait, that's all? Yep. Wow, that's so lame. Yep. So it's a Who-Dunnit, where no one cares who did it? Yeah, pretty much.

I love old dark house films but "The Monster Walks" is without the slightest doubt the worst of the genre and after having viewed this poverty-row clunker twice (a decade apart) it was even more boring the second time around. And since it's literally a rainy day at the moment there's no better a time, to waste some time, reviewing this terrible old movie - that CREAKS with age.

Inept and anemic are just a couple of words that come to mind when watching this profoundly amateurish, low-budget old dark house/murder mystery film from 1932. Truth be told The Monster Walks is a horribly boring movie that has virtually nothing going for it at any point in the hour that it runs. So lets break it down a bit, right from the start we have some very cliche settings, visuals and plot elements that quickly take root, in some aspects it's a virtual clone of "The Cat and the Canary" (a much better movie and ANY version of it than the movie I'm reviewing here) such as: an old mansion, a dead or soon-to-die master, a thunderstorm, the reading of a will, eminent inheritance and murder! And the motive, well, greed obviously. Don't be lead a stray by some of these reviews, there's absolutely nothing remotely clever about this movie - the clumsy, ham-handed title alone should tell you that. Indeed The Monster Walks... and stubs it's toe, several times until ending awkwardly and abruptly with some of the films worst dialog, delivered courtesy of Mr. "Sleep n' Eat" with the quote: "Well I had a granpappy that looked sumthin' like em', but he wasn't as active".

What disappoints the most about The Monster Walks, other than the acting, dialog, sound, set-design, etc, is the fact that the house itself isn't used effectively, for instance what of all the tunnels and hidden passages that it supposedly has, not much effort put forth there, and merely mentioning such things isn't enough to keep your audience interested. It's my estimate that around 70 percent of the movies time revolves around actors (boring characters) standing, sitting, or laying down in a handful of rooms (drab/mundane interior sets) talking to each other (bland dialog) and in affect set the films plot and pace. Very tepidly. Of course the movies slow pace is occasionally punctuated by shrill hysterics usually from "Ruth" the movies young female lead, as other reviewers have noted she says, all in a twitter, to her fiance "Take me away from this place!" several times - but never does. There are about half a dozen characters in total, but to me the only one that was even remotely entertaining was the black chauffeur character played by actor Willie Best (billed as "Sleep n' Eat"); a not-so-subtle racist stereotypical character that was common in that era.

Of course I can't forget to mention the chimpanzee caged-up in the basement that screeches away every now and then. But apart from "Yogi's" primal urges and animalistic utterances The Monster Walks has about as much of a pulse to it as month-old roadkill does - and I'm talking about the kind that's been run over so many times that it's as flat as a pancake. Yep it's that lame and lifeless and right from the very start, with it's super-cringey, atrociously dated and horrible sounding opening music - which doesn't even match the tone of the film of all things. But mercifully other than a few brief moments of inoffensive solo violin there is no other music heard until the end. It's my guess that George Lucas himself didn't personally THX-certify this movie and with the exception of the dialog, which remains mostly clear throughout, the sound is bad from start to finish. Though I've heard worse "Vampyr" for instance, which was coincidentally also released in 1932. However "The Monster Walks" is just about as bad, bland, and BORING and forgettable a movie as you can possibly imagine. And I'd be willing to bet the original audiences back in 32' probably had this to say about it "Damn! This sucks! Weak! Weak!".

I can say the one thing I took away from this crappy old movie, is that once I've slipped on my "gorilla mittens", that it's always a good idea to strangle the intended person with said mittens. Right, Hans?

So let's sum it up as bluntly, but as honestly as possible. Horribly Lame. Horribly Boring. Horribly Dated. Period. The Monster Walks.........off into obscurity. Where it's always been. Status: Lame and forgotten by most.

And now that that's over lets have some fun with the title of the film. I find it funny just how completely interchangeable the last word is, because you can insert virtually any mundane word into it, for example: The Monster Breaths or Blinks or Sneezes or Scratches Itself. You get the point, join in and make your own variations, that way you can at least derive some entertainment from this movie.

Lastly, on a positive note here are some similar movies that are actually worth your time: The Old Dark House 1932 -TOP PICK- / The Bat 1926 / The Cat and the Canary 1927 & 1939 / And Then There Were None 1945 / The Spiral Staircase 1946

Let's Scare Jessica to Death (1971)

Jessica..... Bores Her Audience..... To Death.....

[3/10 · 29 November 2018]

I just saw Jessica and I must say that she tends to disappoint and it just so happens that, like many other so called horror films, I found Lets Scare Jessica To Death to contain very little in the way of actual horror - or entertainment for that matter. And speaking for myself I was completely and utterly bored through the whole thing, until the end, which is the part I liked best - when it was over (sorry Jessica!).

Lets Scare Jessica To Death, a very humble, low budget, psychological horror film from the early 70's and it just doesn't have much going for it, why there's not a single scare (or even a strong visual) to be found ANYWHERE in the 90 odd minutes that it runs. And to my senses this film comes off being about as scary as your typical mystery-solving outing with Scooby and The Gang. This is a very slow-paced and stodgy horror flick and I simply find it to have no menace and no energy what-so-ever and with only a modest amount of atmosphere to speak of and that's one of the few things the film has going for it. Lets Scare Jessica To Death does offer plenty of picturesque scenery, as it was set in the lush woodlands of upstate New York(?), taking place primarily on the bucolic grounds of a haunted apple orchard (yes, a "haunted apple orchard", didn't I tell you this movie would just scare the life out of you!) but more importantly, the haunted farmhouse that's found there. Which, and if you know anything about horror films, you'll know that a haunted farmhouse is the perfect setting/breeding ground in which to generate breathless levels terror, tension and suspense - just ask Sally Hardesty. But of course, as with Lets Scare Jessica To Death there's very little terror, tension and suspense and because of that this is a very, very boring movie; which also conveniently sums up this ponderous film as whole.

So what are the bright-spots of Lets Scare Jessica To Death, well... apart from the aforementioned scenic grandeur that's seen throughout - and it is quite beautiful, the only other thing worthy of mention is the sound effects and music, which at times are quite effective, particularly in the films latter parts. Finally some stimuli of some kind and that's not a word that comes to mind much when speaking of this vapid, waste-of-time movie.

In the end what this all boils down to is that this is a lame, listless and completely forgettable horror film and one that I'll never watch again. Lastly, just for the sake of amusement, if I were to sum up Lets Scare Jessica To Death into purely physical terms, well... let's just say that this feather-weight movie hits you with all the force and impact as what you'd feel when someone picks-up and tosses, underhanded, a half-empty bag of cotton-balls at you.

As bad as this movie is, it's certainly not the worst. Just watch "Rollergator" if you want to see "the worst".

Tentacles (1977)

Tentacles... a very bad and VERY boring 70's sea-beast flick.

[1/10 · 31 March 2018]

After watching "Tentacles" last night - and being absolutely miserable as a result of it, there's one fact that's more resoundingly obvious than ever, which is the irrefutable fact that JAWS sure did "inspire" a tidal wave of sea-beast themed movies - and from what I've seen virtually all of them are terrible movies (lame cash-ins). But yet some still manage to be pretty entertaining, however with Tentacles, that's not at all the case......

Firstly lets start with a quick cast run-down: Peter Fonda, John Huston, Shelley Winters and Bo Hopkins, so the casting is actually quite good and it was filmed on location off the beautiful coastlines of southern California, but once it's all said and done who really cares, because when movies are this exquisitely boring there's little in the way of positivity to mention. Tentacles is so completely and utterly lame it's hard to know where to start but here goes, the films all-star cast is used ineffectively (particularly in the second half) and Bo Hopkins delivers a lame and listless performance and just listen to his dialog. Terrible writing, terrible delivery, period. The films plot and basic story-line is poorly thought out and ill-conceived and from a special effects stand-point it's clearly obvious that the film simply didn't have anything near good enough to Stop Hearts or Wet Pants. Nope not all, nothing like what you see in say "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" - 22 years earlier. No "effects-wizardry" to see here, just some crudely conceived, low-budget, under-water effects that have been spliced together and intercut with some live animal footage (once again taking notes out of JAWS' playbook); and on that note let it be known that simply showing an animal up-close does not, repeat, does not effectively project any grand sense of scale or "giant" size, nor does it fool the audience - not for a second. I think it's "The Night of the Lepus" that best illustrates that fact, which technically speaking is an even worse movie than Tentacles, but yet at the same time it's much more entertaining, if not entirely for the right reasons. Oh yeah, just to mention it, this film has a soundtrack that's utterly generic, sounds like stock film music to me; my guess is that they could hardly afford John Williams, in any case the films music sucks. If there's one aspect that Tentacles isn't completely incompetent in, it would have to be in terms of its cinematography, apart from a few questionable camera angles its photography is solid throughout.

Let me end my rant and review with this warning: For those who were considering wasting their time watching this pathetic garbage-pile of a movie (which is literally nothing more than an ultra-lame cash-in that's playing off of JAWS' record-breaking success), I'd recommend that you watch something else, as Tentacles scores in the bottom 1% of all movies. Lets be brutally honest it offers absolutely nothing that's good.

Basket Case (1982)

This tale of twisted anatomy could have been a classic of the era.....

[5/10 · 23 November 2017]

.....right up there with Evil Dead and The Re-Animator. However...

With "Basket Case" what you have here is a low-budget horror film that has an utterly fantastic plot, but unfortunately was made with only a passably mediocre level of execution. Also the fact that it was made back in the early 80's on a slim budget, does much in explaining why virtually every frame of it looks painfully dated. However, short-comings aside, the films strongest attribute would undoubtedly have to be it's diabolical devious plot, which is simply wicked as hell to the core. At the same time I can't help but think how great Basket Case (and all the wickedly twisted material that comes along with it) could have been in more capable hands - it could have been taken to the next level. For instance who knows how great this could have been if Sam Raimi had directed it. One wonders... but regardless of that Basket Case certainly has it's moments of brilliance, be sure of that, a few of which are simply enthralling - in a corny, low-budget kind of way of course.

The movies plot is one that circles around revenge, but it's really more than that as you'll see throughout it's twisted 90 minute duration, starting off with murder things are quite off-the-wall from the get go. Basket Case offers us many different colorful moods and moments (such as loose-lipped drunkenness, serial killings, telepathic interplay, voyeurism, dream perversions, etc.) and yet unfortunately that also causes the movie to be inconsistent and vary drastically in it's ability to entertainment - which is bound to frustrate some viewers. All this results in a film that's as uneven as it is singularly unusual, in other words: when Basket Case is at it's best, it's thrilling, however when not thrilling it can (and does) get quite boring at times and even downright irritating. **Note the amount of shrill screaming heard throughout the film.** It's a lot even for a horror film. But when looking at the whole picture the good usually prevails over the bad, "the bad" such as Kevin Van Hentenryck's hilariously bad hair. Is that a dead woodchuck on top of his head or what?!

Being as specific about it as I can without giving away spoilers, I think most will agree that the movie is at it's best during the revenge killing sequences, where you get to see the basket case itself in it's full and gruesome glory. Which brings us to the effects. The effects that were used to bring the monstrosity to life sure couldn't have cost much and are primitive at best, but at the same time are pretty effective, especially the close-ups of it's face (which are punctuated by a series of funny moans and a few screams). Not to mention the film has a few wonderfully corny stop-motion sequences to enjoy, those are certainly good for a chuckle. But beyond that... well let's just say the effects-budget sputter's out pretty quickly after that. Oh yeah, keep a heads up for the scene when "it" evades detection by hiding in the toilet (when the police are in the room scanning for clues). Wait for that toilet seat to rise, now THAT'S quality schlock AND comedy gold!

All in all Basket Case is a lot of fun (some scenes especially), just don't expect it to ever rise above anything other then what it is: a cheap and corny horror film from the early 80's.

Lastly, if Basket Case doesn't tantalize you, then perhaps it's two sequels from the early 90's will.

Orca (1977)

Jaws and Moby Dick's infernal off-spring

[5/10 · 10 November 2017]

Orca, the best of the Italian-made aqua-schlock epics.

The 1977 film Orca is several things, first-off it was clearly made to cash in on the Jaws-mania that was sweeping the world at the time, as this movie borrows liberally from that (infinitely better) movie, by copying much of it's formula. Then there's the palpably obvious Captain Ahab/Moby Dick under-current to mention, which only intensifies as things progress. And by movies end the whale has lead us into northern climes in a sort of prolonged match of follow the leader, which eventually sets the stage for a hilariously ridiculous finale - when our hero briefly becomes airborne. I must say that after finally seeing this movie from start to finish, that it's not quite as bad as I initially thought and when you combine that with the fact that for an Italian-made Jaws rip-off/cash-in, Orca is amazingly enough, a surprisingly well produced and professional looking film... much better than say for instance "The Last Shark" (but that's a whole other review) a movie born from similar origins and motivations, but not nearly as well conceived or as original as what we have with Orca.

Orca is for the most part a ridiculous, though thoroughly entertaining piece of film-making. But truth be told, I find it to be a bit of a slow starter, but once it gets going Orca is simply loaded to the gills with scene after scene depicting some of the most flagrantly unrealistic animal behavior ever captured on film; but it does so in such a gloriously over-the-top way that it's an utter delight to behold. Orca's unique sense of visual flair and eye-rolling animal encounters should have you reeling & rolling in waves upon waves of side-splitting laughter. IT IS that ridiculous. For comparisons sake the animal behavior that's seen throughout this movie, makes whats seen in any of the Jaws films look like perfectly natural every day occurrences. Also just like in Jaws, the beast in this movie possesses a vindictive, almost human, mind-set, which allows it to carry out numerous feats of revenge, in often visually spectacular fashion and on that note props must be given to the films effects crew, because as you'll see the special effects are easily the best aspect of the movie.

The cast is really not bad at all and Richard Harris does an excellent Quint impersonation (both Englishmen by the way, not a coincidence) and then there's Charlotte Rampling (a female variant of Matt Hooper) who plays the role of the concerned marine biologist/conservationist, she's a bit of a complicated puzzle, due to the fact that she seems to have two personalities; at first she's harsh and antagonistic, scrutinizing his every move, but later she evidently changes her mind all together and becomes "part of the team" and once that has happened a grand hunt gets under way. Which leads us to the films conclusion, now here, sadly, it's at this point that I must say that the movie loses some of it's steam and literally cools-off as the films utter ridiculousness ebbs just a bit. But don't worry because this IS Orca we're talking about and rest assured that the films best aspect is there till the bitter end. Simply put Orca is loaded with many high-light moments of carnage and beastly bravado, so much so that you'll never quite look at killer whales the same way again.

Musically speaking, while it's no Jaws, Orca does have a pretty effective score, composed by the legendary Italian film-maestro Ennio Morricone (who turns 89 years young today > 11/10/17).

Also be sure to keep an eye out for a smokin' hot, young Bo Derrick, the short hair really does seem to work for her, as opposed to her iconic braids - you know the picture.

Once it's all said and done and with all jokes aside my message to you is this: If you love ludicrously ridiculous cinematic-cheese all I can say is that Orca is not to be missed! It truly is one of the best of the worst. Period.

Ideally I'd end this review with a nautical quip, but as a life-long landlubber I've got nothing.

Dr. Cyclops (1940)

Fun stuff. Essentially a live-action cartoon.

[7/10 · 7 September 2017]

Dr. Cyclops is a unique film in several regards, having been released in 1940 it's one of the very first (if not the first) Sci-Fi films to be shot in 3-Strip Technicolor, as far as it's special effects go it was certainly an innovative film for it's time (specifically it's "little people" footage), and lastly the highly-excitable music of film maestro Ernst Toch. Special mention must be made regarding the music that's heard during this film's most exciting and distinctively off-kilter of moments - and there are many. Because at the drop of a hat this film is absolutely bouncing off the walls, but in the most delightful and fun-spirited way. This is in large part do to the films eccentric combination of it's numerous processed shots (optical effects), it's oddball scenarios, and a most hyper-active musical score that, as you'll hear, often whips this highly eccentric film into a mad frenzy of unfettered lunacy. Ultimately what this all adds up to is a film that's unique in both look and feel or to put it another way, Dr. Cyclops comes off like a live-action cartoon, in Technicolor

Unfortunately... aside from it's obvious strong-points, Dr. Cyclops I'm afraid, is a rather average movie. For instance it's casting (with the exception of Albert Dekker in the title-role) is serviceable at best and it has no "big names" in it's cast. My guess is that most of the films budget went to it's special-effects photography, which surprisingly enough was filmed in Technicolor no less - a prohibitively expensive process at that time. I find the acting of the film is often workman-like in it's mediocre quality, which ranges from the pompous and super-serious Dr. Bulfinch to "Pedro" a modestly effective comic-relief character, then there's Janice Logan as Dr. Mary Robinson and well she simply makes for a very unconvincing scientist. Once you get past the films spectacular opening credits sequence (all that green mist!), Dr. Cyclops starts out rather slowly as it's cast members, one-by-one, are introduced and the movies scientifically-based back-story is laid out. In that respect Dr. Cyclops, like most movies, does get a lot more exciting in the second half which leads to some truly unique and inspired action sequences. Having seen this movie several times over the years, it tends to leave an impression on you (especially if you see it at a young age) and when considering the subject-matter at hand, well... I think the term "live-action cartoon" is a particularly apt description, with what one can expect from this eccentric Hollywood relic from yesteryear, as it often proves to be a VERY eccentric affair.

If you enjoy Dr. Cyclops you'll probably like "The Incredible Shrinking Man"(1957) as well, as both deal with micronized people, in fact at his smallest The Incredible Shrinking Man stands at a mere 1 inch tall; much smaller than what's seen in Dr. Cyclops. Also "Attack of the Puppet People"(1958) though not as good as the others, is also worth checking out. When one weighs this films many merits and innovative nature Dr. Cyclops does indeed seem more worthy than most for the re-make treatment (I typically don't like re-makes) and with Ant-Man making waves recently, the time seems right or "primed" for a lavishly produced re-make of Doctor C, one that dials-up the craziness and is truly and absolutely unhinged.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)

One of the funniest comedies. EVER!

[10/10 · 30 July 2017]

Aglow with luminous comic hijinks.

Nearly 30 years since it's release this movie is every bit as funny as it was then. Starring the dynamite duo of Steve Martin and the late-great John Candy "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" is one of the ultimate "Road Movies" as it vividly chronicles the challenges, inconveniences and miseries of vehicular travel (i.e. Planes and Trains and Automobiles). The chemistry between the two of them is an utterly fantastic thing to behold, THEY ARE HILARIOUS TOGETHER, from start to finish they play off each other in a sort of an effortless synergistic manner. The level of humor these two legendary actors create, combined with the stellar writing and directing talents of John Hughes, all adds up to what's one of the funniest movies ever made. Filmed at the height of their talents, this classic comedy isn't dull for a moment and through a winning combination of snappy direction, clever dialog and hysterical sight-gags, Planes, Trains and Automobiles has stood well the test of time and it's reputation as a timeless rib-rattling classic of the highest comedic pedigree remains undiminished. To try and summarize the movie is a waste of time, due to the fact that it boasts so many stand-out scenes and as a collective whole this movie is one of the Holy Grail's of comedy. I myself have been a fan of it since the beginning and have probably seen this movie in upwards of 100 times over the past nearly 3 decades and keep coming back for more, because without the slightest doubt, this movie is funny-funny-funny.

And for the cherry on the top..... I've read that when pertaining to both their respective careers Planes, Trains and Automobiles is both Steve Martin and John Candy's favorite movie. Now that's really saying something there.