Marincho97 Reviews

MILF Manor (2023– )

More disturbing than "The Human Centipede"

[1/10 · 16 November 2023]

As a great philosopher of the XXI century would say:

"Mama, this is garage".

Indeed, IT IS garbage.

TLC seems to be on a mission of making the worst TV shows and, I'm happy to say they have succeeded with this one.

I'm all for mindless entertainment and I've seen my share of reality shows, but this is just painful.

Call me a prude, whatever, but this is truly disturbing. The embarrassment I feel for these people is tremendous.

If a piece of media is to be deleted from the face of the Earth, it should definitely be this one; I'm speaking for the entire planet right here.

Humanity just hit a new low.

The Little Mermaid (I) (2023)

It wasn't as bad as everyone's making it out to be

[7/10 · 6 June 2023]

It wasn't too special, but it was entertaining nonetheless.

The musical numbers were fine, I had some chuckles here and there, the acting was fine for the most part and the effects weren't too bad.

Hailey was actually good as Ariel, so kudos!

My one complaint, though: the movie was missing brightness and saturation!

While I get the intent of making a realistic depiction of the tale, most scenes were way too dark and the color was almost drained out entirely, even in the underwater scenes.

Maybe it was like this to draw the attention away from how bad Ursula's CGI was in the climax (I hated what I could see of it).

All in all, an enjoyable picture to see at least once, if nothing else.

Christina's House (2000)

If any movie deserves a Criterion restoration, it's this one

[10/10 · 16 May 2022]

Just kidding, but the idea of a deluxe box-set from them of Christina's House really hits the spot for me.

I'm well aware of this movie's reputation as utter trash, and I agree with that, but there's something that keeps bringing me back to this direct-to-video house of horrors.

Acting's wooden, the story pushes the boundaries of what's considered basic and the final reveal it's, well...at least the story has a conclusion, let's leave it at that. Yet, this film it's weirdly entertaining, to the point that I watch it at least 3 times a year (as opposed to the highly regarded classics...something's clearly wrong with me, so don't hesitate to send help this way).

I'm certainly biased, as I saw this movie with all my siblings on a Halloween night, many moons ago and, since then, it has become something of a long-running joke amongst us; each time we come across platform sneakers we go "Those are some Christina's House type of shoes" or if we need to criticize a horror movie's lack of quality, we refer to this as the peak of horror cinema; no movie can hold a candle to it. Yet, I'm the only one of us who actually watches this nowadays (see? I need help).

I'd recommend it actually, not as a so-bad-it's-good movie, but just to fathom how sometimes studios are completely unaware of what they're unleashing to this world.

I highly doubt anyone else bought this, but I hope MGM enjoyed those $5.99 I had to pay for this DVD. Here's hoping for the Criterion Collection UHD announcement.

Fear Street: Part One - 1994 (2021)

Sometimes, having 0 expectations does not work

[1/10 · 4 July 2021]

The movie started off quite strongly (although the Scream homage came across a rip-off) but, as soon as Garbage's "Only Happy When It Rains" came on, I was immediately taken aback; that song didn't came out until 1995; "More Human Than Human" and "Firestarter" also came out later in the decade.

Anyways, musical innacuracies aside, I was pretty dissapointed. I expected nothing from this movie and I was still let down, that says a lot.

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001 Video)

Do yourself a favor and see this movie, like ASAP

[10/10 · 14 June 2020]

I remember (vaguely) seeing this movie with my grandpa on the USA Network, I believe in 2002. For some reason, I always thought this was about a goth alien saving a spaceship while a crazy guy with a bandana gave him directions; just imagine my surprise when I read the actual plot, I almost died.

I spent the longest of years thinking about this movie but having almost no interest to look for it, that is until today, when a local TV channel had the great idea (and I mean that, as honest as I can be) to air it today as their primetime Saturday film. Surely an opportunity I could not miss.

And boy, did I have an amazing time!

First of all, as the die-hard Marilyn Manson fan that I am, I was so delighted by Slade Craven; I mean, the whole thing was just hysterical. The references to his alleged influence on school massacres, the furious Christian groups waiting for him everywhere, the crazed goth fans waiting for him everywhere, his mysterious-yet-intelligent persona, oh my God. And then, the other members of the band, I really loved those guys (too bad about their little screen time).

Then we have the other characters, which I really loved as well. None of them had any background or decent exposure whatsoever, but no one asked for that either. Right off the bat, each of them is following their own agenda; while that does contribute to the film's convoluted narrative (which may be an issue to some), I couldn't care less to be honest. I love how apeshit the whole thing is!

Slade Craven is hands down my favorite character here, but that couple that works on Z Web TV (you know, the bald nervous guy and the chick with the necklace and 00s trendy haircut) were just AMAZING! I mean, they were so quirky and Three Stooges-like for no apparent reason, but I was living for each second they were shown.

Speaking of characters, that captain that's brought in to help with the landing (can't remember his name) was so BOSS. He did absolutely nothing on the 5 minutes he was on screen, I mean nothing; other than shaking hands with everyone on the control tower.

I also loved the scenes with Kate and Nick; I don't know, I felt some sort of weird chemistry between those two (even if it was probably the biggest cliché in the entire film), but still, it made up for some great laughs. Especially the last scene in which Kate's inner hoe jumps out.

A scene I would like people to look forward to when seeing the film is the one when the control tower is attacked. My God, that was just...I'm speechless (really, it is totally out of this world).

There are so many things I could write about, but I truly want people out there to see this movie. Sure, it sounds atrocious and the ratings are somewhat accurate, but this is just a gem waiting to be discovered. Really, it is something needed to be seen to be believed.

Do I recommend this movie? My God, yes. Gone are the days in which I would recommend Full Metal Jacket or The Exorcist as some of the greatest films I've seen, Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal it's where it's at! (I'll try to include a DVD copy with each recommendation).

Please, see it. Tell your friends, your mom, your boyfriend, your neighbor, tell everyone to see it!

On a side note, I just found out that John Mann (the actor who played Slade Craven) passed away last year and I am really sad. Hope here's somewhere better and that he realizes that his character is a reason of joy to some of us.

Sleepwalkers (1992)

''I lied! It does have to hurt!''

[8/10 · 19 March 2017]

I was 9 when I first saw this movie; a friend recorded it from TV with his VCR and then brought it to my place (it was ages ago, as you can see). It was pretty scary, or at least that's what the nine-year-old me thought.

Last night, I saw it again for the first time in centuries. It went well, kinda.

For some reason, I forgot about the relationship between mother and son and found myself a bit disturbed by it through the whole movie, it was probably because of how they portrayed it. The story was actually pretty interesting, although I felt they didn't explained it that well (the rose for example, why the dead girl at the beginning had one and why did the mother gave one to Tanya?). The acting was good, everyone gave their best with what they had; but, as much as I love Mädchen Amick, she wasn't that convincing as the leading/final girl. It's like they wanted her to act as dumb as possible.

The effects were great, they might look dated nowadays but they were cool for the period. The sleepwalkers were menacing, but they kinda looked like a giant Sphynx cat; the scene where Tanya is at the Brady's house and they reflect on the mirror killed me, I screamed.

The film's length was OK, not too long but not too short, and the pace...well, it was good for the most part.

Everything was fine until Charles attacked Tanya and killed the officer in the cemetery, it went completely apeshit from there. It's like they thought ''OK, the movie started an hour ago and we haven't had enough action so let's do it all together RIGHT NOW''. It was non- sense; the mother went to Tanya's house, killed the officers, blew some cars up, killed Tanya's father, threw her mother through the window (I laughed, a lot) and stabbed the other officer with an ear corn (no vegetables, no dessert!); I couldn't catch a break, to be honest, it was all too much in so little time.

And then, the final showdown; it was hysterical, for reasons unknown to me I found the fight scene with the cats really funny, with the neck snapping and everything. I gotta admit I was really scared when the mother told Tanya to dance with the dying Charles.

Oh, I almost forgot about the cameos! I loved Stephen King's scene.

All in all, it was a pretty entertaining movie and I would definitely watch it again.

Webs (2003 TV Movie)

The last movie I ever rented...

[2/10 · 5 March 2017]

...and it's not something I'm proud of.

During my early high school years, I used to rent movies every Friday at my local video store, mostly horror films. One of those days, I asked the clerk for some recommendation since I couldn't find anything interesting enough, so he suggested ''Webs''. He described it as ''Alien with spiders instead of xenomorphs'' and since the DVD art looked sort of creepy, I believed him.

Oh boy, I had absolutely no idea of what I was about to see...

It took me less than 10 minutes to realize the truth; I had been fooled. I'd like to write a good review but I'll just sum this movie up with a single word; CRINGE.

It seemed like they didn't even tried hard, they just took ideas from lots of sci-fi/monster movies and executed them in the worst way possible; just compare the ending to the one of ''Deep Rising''. The acting was the kind of acting you expect to see in these kind of movies, forgettable and bland. The same goes for the dialogue.

And yes, it was the last movie I ever rented. It's not something I'm proud to say, but I don't regret it either, not in the least. It made me laugh a lot, so it gets a few points because of it.

Venom (2005)

A formulaic yet highly entertaining gore fest!

[8/10 · 26 February 2017]

We're in front of our typical slasher film; good guy dies in a freak accident, then comes back to life turned into an evil killing machine. The plot is really simple, so I'm pretty sure you're not going to miss anything and get lost/confused in the middle of the flick.

We also have our group of characters; the girl who is recovering from several traumatic experiences, the guy who's trying to win said girl's love back, the bimbo, the tough guy, the funny guy and the Regina George wannabe. It's a pretty overused formula, but in this case it works; the characters are likable and you find yourself rooting for them but at the same time, thinking about which one of them is going to get the nastiest demise next.

Even though I'm not the kind of guy who gets scared by slasher movies, I did with this one. The atmosphere was great, it was dark and intriguing; the surroundings were obscure (with the exception of the party at the lagoon and the gas station scene where the girls go for some fuel), those aspects helped the movie a lot and honestly, I can't think of any other place better for the story than the swamps of Louisiana; they nailed it at this one.

The killings were really gruesome (as expected), the sequences were mostly intense, like the one at the grandmother's house and the last fight between our leading lady and the villain. The acting was really good for this kind of film and the effects were nicely done; oh! and the addition of Rob Zombie's ''Two Lane Blacktop'' was good, because let's be honest, at the end of the day what is a slasher movie without rock music?

All things said, it's a really entertaining flick with a good dose of gore, creepy imagery and good looking actors. If you're looking for an intelligent, mind-blowing, original kind of film, stay away from this; but if you're in it just for the blood and guts, this is for you!

If you find yourself with some free time in your hands and don't know what to do, ignore the ratings and go for it! I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

Dirty Love (2005)

Everything you've read about this film, it's true

[1/10 · 21 July 2016]

When watching a movie for the first time, it's pretty important to be open-minded and having 0 expectations for it, to avoid any kind of disappointment and to properly enjoy it. I tried to do that myself with this flick, but it was impossible.

I've seen a lot of bad comedies, but this is just another damn level; it's unbelievably awful, beyond bad. Every single thing about it it's incredibly cringe-worthy; the acting, the dialogue, the jokes, the direction, even the soundtrack. Don't get me started on that supermarket scene, so over-the-top and disgusting.

Anyone heard that story of that ''E.T. The Extraterrestrial'' video-game that was so bad Atari took all the cartridges and buried them on the desert? Someone should do the same with every copy of this thing.

Finally, I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone. I'm even ashamed to admit that I saw this.