danchilton-71955 Reviews

Monkey Man (2024)

Ain't Got Time For No Monkey Business

[8/10 · 21 April 2024]

The journey Monkey Man has taken to get the big screen sounds almost as arduous as the revenge quest its title character embarks upon. About to lose funding due to the pandemic, director/writer/star Dev Patel was able to find a hotel on a small Indonesian island that could house the cast and crew. Not being able to bring in new personnel or equipment the story of making the film is one of cameras dangling from string, tables being glued back together so they can be smashed multiple times and crew members standing in for extras. Not to mention Patel himself breaking his hand during filming. Once completed it sat on a shelf with backers Netflix nervous to release it on their platform due to the movies scathing attitude towards right wing Indian politics. Enter Jordan Peele and his Monkey Paw productions who scooped the project up to give it the cinema release it deserves.

The story begins with Patel's unnamed character scraping a living by taking beatings in an underground fight club while trying to find an in at a notorious club frequented by unsavoury high rollers. He wants his foot in the door so he can begin his quest for revenge against the people who destroyed his childhood community.

While Monkey Man is an action revenge movie it isn't your standard John Wick wannabe (although Reeves suit wearing death dealer is mentioned). For starters it spends a lot longer in getting the action started, spending a fairly lengthy first act establishing character and setting pieces on the board. The main character is also more raw and real, sure he kicks unfathomable amounts of ass but he's also fallible and fails, looking all the more a hero as he dusts himself off and goes again. The real difference though is in the genuine anger on display, not just in Patel's onscreen pain but radiating from behind the camera. There is a sense of real hatred toward abuse of power, social disparity and the miss treatment of the marginalised. The Hijira (intersex\transgender communities) are not only present but are vital to the story and taking part in one of the best fight sequences. Meanwhile the villains of the piece are phoney guru labour exploiters, hardline politicians and corrupt cops. The strong moustachioed policeman archetype so often the hero in Bollywood stories is here a primary antagonist, a sneering and self-serving abuser of power. The film has yet to secure a release date in India.

In terms of action, Monkey Man is up there with the best of the genre, with bone crunching and inventive throw downs. We see our vigilante lead buy and practice using a gun but firearms don't really play a part once the touch paper is lit. Instead he grabs whatever is at hand as he punches, stabs and bludgeons his way through whoever gets in his face. Despite being a for real world championship medalist in taekwondo Patel says he had to make his own action movie as he would only ever be cast as the nerdy best friend otherwise. Turns out he's a natural action star, looking suave in a suit, chiseled out of stone underneath and flawlessly selling both dishing out and taking a beating. Hollywood has been missing out.

There are a couple of rough edges on display. The constantly moving camera puts the audience in the middle of the action but may be a bit much too frenetic for some people's taste. It's also a fairly grim movie, the past that haunts our hero is truly horrific and the moments of triumph are more vindication than exuberance. That said there are some light hearted scenes and funny characters on hand to lighten the mood.

Overall, Monkey Man is a hell of calling card for both a new action action star and exciting new director who just so happen to be the same person. Just don't come in expecting a breezy action caper.

8 Hindu legends out of 10 men in monkey masks.

Mothers' Instinct (2024)

Which Mother Knows Best?

[6/10 · 15 April 2024]

Mothers' Instinct is set in 1960 and aims to be a throwback to the glossy thrillers of that era. More specifically, it feels like a stab at aping Hitchcock, marrying tense psychodrama with grand visuals and crowd pleasing twists. Needles to say, it falls some way short of matching the Master of Suspense.

Jessica Chastain and Anne Hathaway play Alice and Celine. They are neighbours, friends and both parents of young boy who are also close. When Celine's son dies in a tragic accident, Alice becomes convinced her grieving friend blames her and is plotting revenge.

First time director Benoit Delhomme is an experienced cinematographer and it shows with the film's aesthetic being one of its greatest strengths. It's a small film, set mostly in and around a couple of houses but the period setting is beautifully observed and every shot is painstakingly composed. The pastel colours and stunning costumes are in stark contrast to the grim goings on and provide insight into the characters and their mood.

Mothers' Instinct's other big plus, or rather pluses, are its two leads. This isn't the first time Chastain and Hathaway have been in a film together but it is the first time they've shared the screen and they play off each other expertly. Whether they're being bosom buddies, suspicious frenemies or outright adversaries they are magnetic. Even when one of them is alone in a room they are telling the story with every facial movement. A strong supporting cast help them along the way but it's really the leading ladies show.

Unfortunately all the style and great acting is hung on a screenplay that just isn't up to the task. There are moments of tension but it never really feels like it's escalating, Mothers Instinct treads the shallows for most of its runtime before abruptly diving off the deep end for a conclusion. There's nothing wrong with keeping things subtle but an ending like the one we get here should be built towards, not feel like it could have come out of nowhere at any time. It also doesn't help that the strory goes in the most predictable direction open to it and in the process robs both main characters of any interesting nuance they had built up.

So Mothers' Instinct is ultimately a letdown, especially for the leads. Performances this good shouldn't be portraying a story this underbaked.

6 clandestine autopsies out of 10.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

They Did the Monster Mash

[8/10 · 9 April 2024]

Godzilla X Kong : The New Empire may sound like erotic fan fiction written by a Kaiju obsessive but its actually the 5th instalment in a decade spanning (how time flies) franchise. 2014's Godzilla finally brought the legendary lizard to Hollywood in a way that wasn't a complete embarrassment but struggled to marry the disparate parts of family drama and giant monster smackdown. Skull Island was a fun mystery island adventure. King of the Monsters went for epic, end of the world monster stakes and Godzilla vs Kong leaned into the silliness of it all. This film takes the ridiculousness of its predecessor and runs with it. And runs and runs.

The plot, such as it is, involves a villainous giant ape named The Skar King imprisoned in the Hollow Earth attempting to conquer the surface world. Don't worry if that sounds like a bit of an underwhelming opponent for Big G, the nefarious simian has an ace up his sleeve. There are plenty of other big monsters for our titular duo to throw hands with and an undiscovered civilisation for the human characters to interact with. In terms of story its up there with the most batshit of the Toho movies but where those films just let the audience accept the wacky, Godzilla X Kong spends a little too long trying to justify itself.

More than any other of the Monsterverse entries the titular monsters really are the main characters of the film, or more specifically King Kong is. While the pair are both basically superheroes here, Godzilla is the powerful wildcard to Kong's leading man. Its the natural decision given the ease with which human characteristics can be applied to a big ape and director Adam Wingard leans hard on this angle. Whether he's wincing with tooth ache or swaggering through the jungle with his chest puffed out like a multi-storey chad, Kong is, for all intents and purposes, a giant, really strong human being. Likewise, Skar King smirks and laughs his way through his screen time and scenes with him, Kong and any other apes play out like wordless human interactions.

With the giants able to convey the movie's emotions it doesn't leave the human cast with much to do beside take on the role of comedy relief. The always likeable Brian Tyree Henry returns as monster podcaster Bernie and he is joined by Dan Stevens, proving once again he is one of Hollywoods most underrated stars as he brings the most laughs playing a zany adventurer/kaiju vet. There's also a fun turn from Alex Ferns, most known in the UK for his role as abusive Eastenders husband Trevor some twenty odd years ago. The "serious" acting is left to Rebecca Hall, returning as Kong expert Dr Ilene Andrews. This means that while everyone else is horsing around she's stuck delivering exposition and making sure we know she really cares about her adopted daughter. Hall is up to the task and sells it all gamely but there's no escaping the fact it feels like she is in a completely different film.

Realistically, any time a person is on screen they're just filling time until the next monster fight. The beast on beast violence comes thick and fast and while a couple of the encounters are disappointingly short or happen mainly off screen, the ones that deliver really deliver. The sense of scale the earlier movies had is diminished by the hallow earth setting and light on their feet monsters but in its place is some insanely innovative superhero fighting. The final 4-way showdown begins in hollow earth zero gravity before exploding onto the surface world as the massive combatants unleash fists, teeth, whips, axes, power gloves and deadly breath rays on each other in a crowd pleasing smackdown that pays homage to the classics while taking the spectacle to a whole other level.

Godzilla X Kong plays to the bleachers with more or less every scene designed to either make you laugh or marvel at the action and while it isn't high art, it is, in its own way very innovative. Keep them coming please.

8 rotten titan canines removed out of 10.

Immaculate (2024)

Nun with a Bun (in the oven)

[8/10 · 2 April 2024]

Anybody who has seen the trailer for Immaculate may think they know exactly what they are in for. They would only be half right because while it is the film the trailer shows its also a little bit more and a whole lot louder.

Sydney Sweeney stars as Sister Cecilia, a nun who relocates to an old Italian convent that tends to dying nuns. Turns out the place is full of oddballs and when she becomes pregnant via miraculous conception she discovers that while she is treated with awe as the new Virgin Mary she is also a prisoner, not even allowed to leave to visit hospital.

Sweeney also produces the movie having auditioned (and been passed over) for a role in a version of the story ten years ago. That iteration ended up falling by the wayside and at first glance it seems strange the Anyone but You star would have held on to the idea for so long. After all, its not as if Nuns and spooky pregnancies are exactly box breaking territory for a horror film. Immaculate has some tricks up its sleeve though, in the form of a refreshingly gritty edge, one of the most memorable (and well earned) endings of recent years and a lead role that allows the actress to show plenty of acting muscle.

For most of the runtime the plot is fairly pedestrian and the convent isn't exactly packed with subtle characters (the wrong'uns may as well have villain tattooed on their forehead) but it covers the horror bases. There's jump scares, the psychological horror of Cecilia being trapped both externally in the convent and by the unescapable thing growing inside her and some grizzly physical horror. Immaculate hits all these elements hard, starting with a gruesome opening that lets the audience know what they're in for and building to a barnstorming and cathartic ending. The setting helps too, with the fantastic looking Italian convent giving the film a bug budget aesthetic and making it feel like the events are actually taking place against a Catholic backdrop (something many films that try fail). Add in a full blooded performance from a fully committed lead actress and what could have been another nun of the mill nun horror is something far more memorable.

Immaculate isn't perfectly paced and is predictable in some areas but technical quality and daring attitude make the film more than the sum of its parts and a must see for horror fans.

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Is that a Giant Sandworm in your pocket...?

[8/10 · 25 March 2024]

Dune : Part Two picks up more or less straight after the events of part one and follows Paul Atreides as he and his mother Lady Jessica take refuge with the Fremen. They then set about befriending\radicalising the desert natives to aid in their revenge against the forces that wiped out their family. Considering the monolithic task of adapting a book as thematically dense as Dune the story plays out with remarkable clarity and the visual effects set a new high bar in grand sci fi realism. Still, its not a film that everybody with get on with.

First thing is first, it would be a waste of time to try and watch this without seeking out 2021's part one first as a brief opening catch up is unlikely to get any Arrakis virgins up to speed and the relentless pace of events here doesn't leave time for filling in the gaps. For all the spectacle he delivers, director Denis Villenueve's greatest strength is his storytelling laser focus and the skill that stopped the time wrangling philosophy of Arrival getting lost in the weeds allows him to cut through the dense Dune source material here. The film does away with the books years long time skip while Paul lives with the Fremen and sees him quickly rise to the status of "Lisan al Gaib", a messiah figure many of the Fremen believe will lead them to paradise. This shortening of the timeline may make things feel slightly less grand than its literary source but suits this telling of the story, making it clear the Dune dwellers never actually needed their chosen one. It also allows Rebecca Ferguson's Reverend Mother to look extra crazy as she plots from the sidelines, tattoo-faced and muttering to the foetus in her womb. Anything from the book that wouldn't further this particular version of the story is gone, with no mention of guilds and less depth to the Fremen culture. The emphasis is on coherent narrative rather than the trippy vibes of the 1984 David Lynch movie, which had some out there visuals but was thematically empty and incomprehensible to non book devotees. The different approaches mean this film (together with part one) and its 80's counterpart make fascinating companion pieces.

They may not be psychedelic but the visuals are breathtaking. Conversion from digital to film and back again, infra red rigged 3D cameras and other insane filming techniques combine with chunky, grand scale design to create one of the most lived in worlds ever put to screen. There's no shiny finish and smooth edges on the massive harvesting machines, its clear they're built for industrial purpose, to get a job done and get it done as cheaply as possible. The giant worms are a living part of the desert, exploding onto the screen like a sentient force of nature. Its all backed up by a soaring score and cinema shaking sound effects.

Timothee Chalamet turns out to be perfect casting for Paul. He ups his presence from the first film as the new head of House Atreides grows in to his chosen one persona but he's never completely comfortable. Essentially Chalamet is likeable enough that people would follow him but not charismatic enough that you believe he would ever achieve his status without the space nun's meddling. In terms of screen time, Paul is very much still the main character but the nature of the narrative means he is aloof from the human part of the story leaving Zendaya to carry the heart as Chani. Fortunately she has the necessary charisma in spades, anchoring the film with movie star charm that will see her on Hollywood's A-list for years to come. Fellow Freman Stilgar is played with earnest glee by Javier Bardem, who even manages to inject some rare humour into a Villenueve film with his Life of Brian esque dedication to the notion Paul is his messiah. Stand out amongst the new cast members is Austin Butler as mental case Harkonnen Feyd-Rautha. The murderous Na-Baron could easily have slipped into caricature but Butler anchors him with enough subtle nuance that he stays on the side of real character.

Its a performance that's needed too, since the Harkonnens in general can come across a little cartoony compared to the rest of the movie. The striking look is one thing but their constant blood lust is a bit much. Quite how they manage to run any sort of spice operation when the high ranking family members might randomly kill anyone near them at a moments notice is anyones guess. Christopher Walken is also a little distracting as Emperor Shaddam. He isn't bad, I mean its Christopher Walken, but in a film where everyone else blends seamlessly into their roles he is very obviously Christopher Walken.

Such quibbles feel mean spirited in the face of such a cinematic achievement. Dune Part 2 stands as a monumental example of big budget sci fi film making and accomplishes something once considered impossible in putting a coherent telling of this tale on the big screen.

8 none chipped and shattered blades out of 10.

Wicked Little Letters (2023)

Call the Mother F'n Midwife

[7/10 · 10 March 2024]

Wicked Little Letters opens by telling the viewer that the film they are about see is a lot closer to real life events than they would think. While there are plenty of similarities between the film and the real life case of abusive letters in a 1920s sea side town the nastier edges have been sanded off to make a crowd pleasing comedy.

The story centres around neighbours Edith Swan (Olivia Coleman) and Rose Gooding (Jessie Buckley) after Edith begins to receive foul-mouthed letters from an anonymous ne'er-do-well. They are complete opposites, with hard drinking and foul-mouthed single mum Rose putting the frighteners up the street while the prim and proper Edith still lives at home with her overbearing parents. Despite their differences the two had struck up a friendship but a falling out prior to the start of the letters arriving means Rose is suspect number one.

The story, while slight, is interesting and the period setting is well realised but the film's two main strengths are the fact its genuinely funny and has a fantastic cast. Buckley sells Rose as both the tough, cynical survivor and the tender mother while Coleman adds some spikiness to the naive, well spoken home bunny she could play in her sleep. The supporting cast are excellent too, ranging from Joanna Scanlan's hilarious farmer to Timothy Spall's controlling father. Particular props to Anjana Vasan as the only competent cop forced to watch in bewilderment from the sidelines because she is female.

While everything is well paced and entertaining the film does have some balance issues. Director Thea Sharrock and writer Jonny Sweet succeed in giving the audience a good time but the light hearted tone can make the handling of issues such as sexism, prejudice, poverty and mental abuse feel a little too twee. There is also a noticeable shift every time Timothy Spall is on screen as his character is such a piece of garbage that the joy is sucked out the room whenever he appears.

Overall, Wicked Little Letters is a fun period piece with a couple of great leads who elevate the material from could watch to should watch.

7 foxy behinds out of 10.

Madame Web (2024)

(Web) Swing and a Miss

[4/10 · 2 March 2024]

Is Madame Webb good? No. Is Madame Webb, as some of the reaction would have you believe, an ungodly affront to cinema that plums new depths in the comic book genre? No. Is it a bland and completely forgettable film that seems to have no purpose in existing aside from rights retention? Yes.

After a brief prologue in the Amazon the plot focuses on Cassandra Webb, a paramedic who develops the power to see into the future. The ability seems to be the result of a near death experience but are also related to a ritualistic spider bite received by her pregnant mother. I guess when you're Madam Webb a spider has to be involved somewhere. There's even an attempt spin her powers as spider related but its tenuous to say the least (she sees "the web that connects us all"??). Whatever the cause she powers up just in time as there are a trio of teenage girls about to be killed by an evil Spiderman because he too can see the future and knows they will one day off him after getting their own powers.

There is the kernel of a fun movie in here. An unstoppable killer pursuing the main characters Terminator style while Cassandra use her future vision to get them out of tight spots has the potential for some cool set pieces but the film wastes so much time doing nothing. There is a large part of proceedings dedicated to making sure the audience know this is Spiderman adjacent. Cassandra works with "uncle' Ben Parker, who just met a women he's really into and his sister in law is about to have a baby, there's even a scene where they tease the babies name. Its all very boring and, given we know it isn't going anywhere, completely pointless. Even once the we are up and running there are only a couple of underwhelming encounters with the baddie and the bonding between Cassie and the girls is perfunctory.

None of the cast do anything wrong but they aren't given much to work with. The three future spiderwomen are likeable enough but are stuck with generic teen personas, there's a science nerd, a rebel and one who is worried about being deported. Tahar Rahim is a top drawer actor but as villain Ezekiel Sims he's a walking cardboard cut out, his only characterisation being that he is motivated to kill the girls before they "destroy everything he has built". Aside from a swanky apartment and nice car it is never made clear exactly what it is he has built. Lead actress Dakota Johnson can, as anyone who has seen Fifty Shades of Grey will attest, sell some pretty limp dialogue but even she struggles at times here. Its a pity she's let down by the script as you get the feeling she could have been a natural blockbuster lead with some decent support.

For some reason this is also the longest film in Sony's No Spiderman Spiderman Universe at nearly two hours. A strange decision given there's so little plot. A little trimming of the fat and better set pieces and they would have had a passable superhero film, by current standards anyway, rather than the cultural punching bag Madam Webb has become. With all mention of their other properties removed from this movie it seems Sony really want everyone to forget about it as soon as possible. Shouldn't be too difficult to oblige them.

4 mothers researching spiders in the Amazon just before they died out of 10.

Argylle (2024)

The Spy Who Forgot They Loved Me

[7/10 · 23 February 2024]

Argylle is further proof that Mathew Vaughn is a director of style. You can always rely on his films to have some visual flair and stylish action sequences. How good the films actually are can vary wildly and Argylle is pretty much slap bang in the middle of his filmography quality wise.

Bryce Dallas Howard plays Elly Conway, a writer of spy fiction who is so good at predicting espionage antics that her books have actually described the real antics of a shady renegade group of agents who know want to abduct her to gain the inside track on a missing computer drive that could expose them. Trying to keep her out of their clutches, and recover the drive himself, is good guy spy Sam Rockwell.

The movie is actually a fairly different from the one many people may have expected based on the trailers. Henry Cavill is in the film as square haired super spy Argyll (along with his even more musclebound sideman John Cena), but only as part of Elly's thoughts. This mainly boils down to an opening sequence and a few action scenes that cut between Rockwell doing whatever he can to off the bad guys and Cavill effortlessly dispatching them in Elly's imagination, a total of 10-15 minutes screen time. What we actually get is something of an action rom-com focused on Dallas Howard and Rockwell. While this may annoy those who came to see the former Superman its a nice change of tone for Vaughn compared to a Kick Ass or Kingsman film. The smooth action remains but out go the crude jokes and blood in favour of a pretty sweet storyline of saving the day together.

Said storyline is, on the one hand, a basic globetrotting (or standing in front of a green screen) Mcguffin chase but the twists come thick and fast. Barely fifteen minutes ever goes by without a reveal of some kind and while they vary in effectiveness and logic the frenetic pace means the film never feels like it is coasting. Still, come the final credits you may be left wondering exactly what was going on, especially after a bizarre final revelation and mid credits scene that either reframe the movie or are completely meaningless.

Carrying the film through even the least convincing stretches are the stellar cast. Bryce Dallas Howard has screen prescience and likability for days and gets to show off some range. Sam Rockwell is such a natural in a role like this you wonder why nobody has been able to tempt him to do more of these kind of movies. Together they have great chemistry and their unfolding relationship carries the film. They are ably assisted by a supporting cast including the like of Catherine O'Hara, Bryan Cranston and Samuel L. Jackson.

To say everything about Argylle completely works would be an overstatement and it doesn't come together as well as Vaughn's best, but if you're in the mood for a fun, twisty slice of action anchored by two charismatic leads then you could do a lot worse.

7 grumpy faced cats out of 10.

The Iron Claw (2023)

The Brothers Very Grim

[8/10 · 19 February 2024]

The Iron Claw is a heavy film. Zac Efron's body is heavy with muscle. His character, Kevin Von Elrich, is heavy with the weight of family expectations. Come the end of the film his heart is heavy with loss. A jolly couple of hours in the cinema this is not but it is very watchable and notable as an eye catching debut from writer/director Sean Durkin and for some top notch performances.

The film is based on the true story of the Von Elrich brothers. In addition to Kevin there's Kerry (Jeremy Allen White), David (Harris Dickinson) and Mike (Stanley Simmons). Their father Fritz took wrestling so seriously that he changed his family name to that of his character but was never able to capture the most coveted titles and demands that his sons either finish what he started or achieve sporting excellence in some other way. He holds no truck with the old adage that you shouldn't play favourites with your kids, happily telling them what order he ranks them in, with potential Olympic discus contender Kerry occupying number one. If you think their religious mother Doris provides the unconditional warmth they don't get from daddy then think again, "that's what your brothers are for" Kevin is dismissively told when he asks to speak to her. The parents are no pantomime villains, they think pushing their kids and teaching them self-reliant toughness is setting them up for success, but throwing the kind hearted boys into the meat grinder of professional wrestling with no emotional support beyond "bring home the bacon son" has tragic consequences.

And boy are they tragic. Its worth baring in mind as the misery piles up that the real story is even worse. There is a whole brother left out of this retelling as Durkin (correctly) surmised the film just couldn't take more grief. Even as is it can be a bit of a stretch. There are moments of triumph and cosy togetherness but once the wheels come off the hits keep on coming at such a speed that they become routine and it is hard to feel their full impact.

What keeps the film on track, no matter how close to Greek tragedy the events steer it, are the performances. Everyone is terrific but while its something of an ensemble piece the main focus is on Effron's Kevin and he uses his natural gifts to full effect. Not many people have the genetics to get as shredded as the former Disney kid is here and his physique really sells the idea that his character is the most dedicated of them all. All the muscle is in stark contrast to his puppy dog eyes, making Kevin look like an innocent child trapped inside his hulking body and forced to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders when all he wants is a quiet life with his family. Playing a man who doesn't have the tools to express his feelings, Efron shows it all with the most subtle face acting and the fact he's still seen as the High School Musical kid is probably the only reason he didn't get an Oscar nomination.

Fans of professional wrestling may find a couple of things distracting. Aaron Dean Eisenberg appears as Ric Flair and while he acts exactly how you would expect he doesn't really look, or more importantly sound, anything like him. Also, by focusing so hard on the family dynamic as the driving factor behind all the tragedy the film glosses over many of the other potential factors. A combination of head trauma, drug addiction, steroid abuse and general brutal lifestyle has taken a horrible toll on wrestlers (particularly of that era) and while you see a little of that here its very much all on the back burner in favour of a clear "sins of the father" storyline.

Still, making a movie about this story and not only making it watchable, but actually managing to leave the audience feeling somewhat upbeat come the time the credits role is a great achievement and testament to the fact everyone here has brought something special to the production.

8 tap outs out of 10.

The Holdovers (2023)

School's Not Out

[9/10 · 12 February 2024]

The Holdovers sees director Alexander Payne re-team with star Paul Giamatti some nineteen years on from Sideways. It was worth the wait.

Set in 1970, Giamatti plays cantankerous private school teacher Paul Hunham. Prickly and isolated, Hunham's only real joy in life is dropping the hammer on the college dreams of privileged brats so when he is left in charge of the children stuck in school over Christmas neither he or said kids are best pleased. The film focuses on his relationship with pupil Angus Tully (Dominic Sessa), a wayward teen one exclusion away from military school and a likely trip to Vietnam. Also staying over is Mary (an astonishing performance from Da'Vine Joy Randolph) the head cook facing her first Christmas since the death of her son.

What follows is very much the story you would expect, enemies learning to understand and respect each other and lost people helping each other find their way. While you may have seen this this before, seldom has it been done with this much craft and quality. Sentimentality and schmaltz are out, observation and believability are in. That's not to say it doesn't deliver on emotion, its just that rather than clumsily trying to stab you with feeling The Holdovers gently warms you over the course of two hours. In addition to being set at the start of the seventies, the film is very much a love letter to the classics of that era and Payne has created something able to stand alongside the best that decade had to offer.

The cast are set up for success with a great script, meticulous cinematography and a wonderfully understated score but the performances they put in elevate the film to glorious heights. Sessa imbues the rebellious Tully with enough charm that we instantly know he's a good kid at heart and enough steel that he never becomes a TV movie of the week sap when opening up. Randolph is heartbreaking as Mary, stoically managing her grief as she continues on in the job she took to get her now deceased son a good education. Its massive credit to both their performances that they effortlessly hang with a masterclass from Giamatti. He relishes playing the the lazy eyed, bad smelling (due to a medical condition) Hunham as an educational Ebenezer Scrooge but even more so in showing his humanity, the old teacher has reason to resent the privileged and hold steadfast to the standards his former headmaster and boss instilled in him and the excellent performance means he is never in danger of coming across as a one note curmudgeon. Giamatti's performance constantly hints at the person underneath and its a joy watching Angus and Mary slowly bring him back to the world.

The Holdovers is a funny, sharp and heartwarming tale of a connection and moving forward that also plays as a darn good Christmas movie. Hopefully Payne and Giamatti don't wait this long to work together again.

9 people who deserve your story out of 10.

Baghead (2023)

Evil Old Bag

[6/10 · 5 February 2024]

Baghead sees Freya Allan inherit a dilapidated old bar from her estranged father (Peter Mullan) thus becoming the unwitting guardian of an undead witch holed up in basement. Not an ideal scenario but the fact the witch can temporarily bring people back to life (if only for two minutes) and people are prepared to pay good money for a final farewell to their loved ones, posses a conundrum for Allan's broke and homeless character.

Its fairly obvious the Baghead is one of those horror movies adapted from a breakout short (this seems to be the de facto way to get a horror movie made these days) and as such it has a provenly solid concept but faces the challenge of stretching this out to an hour and a half. It succeeds in some ways better than others.

Filling in the plot has proven to be a struggle, with the writers never getting much further than the set up. Everything from there on relies on contrivance and stupid character decisions to drive things forward. There is an attempt to explain the witch's powers but it is pretty half-hearted and is really only there to pad the runtime. Similarly, a "reveal" near the end that aims to shed light on some of the dumb actions of the characters doesn't really change anything and feels pointless.

The film is much more successful in the, probably more important, area of dishing out the scares. It's pretty atmospheric and while it pulls from the standard bag of horror tricks (cracking bones, lights out, things scuttling on ceilings, etc) it manages some unsettling moments as well as jump scares. The small cast do a good job of selling it all even as they are forced to act in some unnatural ways to make the spook happen (why not just set the timer for ten seconds earlier rather than wait til the witch is messing with you every time). Mullan in particular is typically excellent and adds gravitas to proceedings even if he is mainly glimpsed through flashbacks.

With the theme of talking to the dead its easy to draw unfaltering comparisons with the superior Talk to Me of last year but, given the short came out in 2017, Baghead is no knock off and deserves to be treated as it's own thing. That thing being a completely serviceable yet unremarkable little pocket of horror.

6 crispy mysterious father figures out of 10.

Godzilla Minus One (2023)

Godzilla : King of the Feels

[9/10 · 28 December 2023]

To mark Godzilla's 70th anniversary Toho Studios take the gargantuan lizard back to his routes with a story of post WWII Japan suffering under the scaly foot of the monster. Big dog of Japanese cinema Takashi Yamazaki writes, directs and takes charge of special effects and boy does he deliver.

Godzilla may be the star but the film is really the story of fighter pilot Koichi Shikishima. Following failure to carry out his Kamikaze duties and a harrowing encounter with a smaller (but still plenty fearsome) iteration of Godzilla he returns to whats left of his home where he forms an unconventional family with a young women and the abandoned baby she is taking care of. Over time things start to look up for the trio as he gets a job clearing leftover mines from the sea but haunted by survivor's guilt and traumatised by PTSD Koichi is unable to let himself be happy. When a the giant radioactive lizard appears and begins to wreck whats left of his homeland Koichi and the rest of his minesweeper crew join in efforts to defend the country from this new threat.

The minus one of the title refers to the state of Japan, reduced to zero after the war it sinks even lower following the appearance of Godzilla and the feeling of regression really comes through. From the protagonists tattered home to the use of wooden boats to clear mines there is a sense of country that has gone backwards in time and when the monster emerges, and the US takes a knee to avoid escalating tensions with the Soviet Union, it becomes clear Japan has pretty much nothing to fight back with other than their ingenuity and a sense of camaraderie and togetherness. This togetherness is at the core of Godzilla Minus One, for all the spectacle its a story of people rising to the occasion when they have been utterly failed by those in charge. Its all driven along by group of fairly stock but very likeable characters that you'll want to succeed. Given it's iconic legacy it would have been easy for the audience to end up rooting for Godzilla but there's no chance of that here, the human pain and fear is too real. Plus the monster is a total prick.

None of this is to say the titular lizard of Godzilla Minus One isn't a showstopper. The sense of scale achieved here may be the best of any of its outings, with effects and sound design combining to make encounters with the massive monster genuinely chilling. Yamazaki has been described as the Japanese Spielberg and there is a boat sequence that gives some serious Jaws vibes. On land Godzilla's city rampage is as spectacular as it is horrible with buildings and vehicles feeling like the models of the old school Kalju flicks as they are crumpled and tossed like balsa wood toys. Godzilla may be a force of nature but the eyes give the creature a sentient malevolence as he stacks up the body count. Built for purpose, this is as good as Godzilla has ever looked.

If there are knocks to be had against Godzilla Minus One it could be argued that the political commentary is very on the nose and everything works out a little conveniently in the end. Personally, I would say a movie with a 164ft lizard doesn't need to be subtle with its themes and after the wringer it puts the audience through a happy ending is well deserved.

Not just for Godzilla fans but anyone who is fan of Japanese cinema or just uplifting tales of people putting their shattered lives back together against an epic backdrop, Minus One is pretty much a must see. It's also a lesson that, in a cinema landscape obsessed with continuity and crossover, freshness and reinvention is the real way to keep an IP relevant.

9 realisations that no victory is achieved when you treat human life as disposable out of 10.

The Marvels (2023)

Marvel-Less

[5/10 · 11 December 2023]

The Marvels marks the first time people who don't keep up with the deluge of Marvel TV shows will feel properly out of the loop. More worrying it feels more like one of the shows than a tent pole movie.

The plot follows Captain Marvel/Carol Danvers, Miss Marvel/Kamala Kahn and Monica Rambo as they try to stop new leader of the Kree Empire, Dar-Benn from destroying various planets to fix her own. The McGuffin trinket that allows the villain to do this also leads to the three heroes switching location whenever they use their powers, forcing them to stay together and work as a team.

The dynamics of the group are fun with Ms Marvel actress Iman Vellani easily the best thing about the film. Hopefully she stays on the big screen going forward and isn't wasted in more Disney + mediocrity. Brie Larson does her best as Captain Marvel but the "I tried to help but it didn't work out" colonial guilt storyline doesn't really work on a character you are trying to portray as an out and out hero. Teyonah Parris' has the least to do as Monica Rambo and often feels as if she is just there to make up the numbers.

The Marvel, like much of the MCU, works best in its light hearted moments. Sam Jackson once again decides Nick Fury is going to be a completely different character and is consistently funny. Anytime him or Kamala Kahn's non plussed family are on screen is a good time. There is also a fun section on a planet where the inhabitants only understand words when they are sung although it all gets a lot more generic once the fighting starts.

That really is the story of The Marvels, any creativity is buried under a tonne of MCUness. Director Nia DaCosta has said its more a Kevin Feige movie than hers and it really shows. From the focus on TV characters to the limited story it feels like a movie made to fill a hole in the schedule. Antagonist Dar-Benn is a prime contender for most forgettable Marvel villain and let's be honest, there is some stiff competition for that role. Again actress Zawe Ashton does her best but a wannabe Khaleese who speaks like she has too many teeth and reuses a weapon an already pretty boring villain previously wielded isn't enough to create a compelling threat. It was always going to be hard to create a decent bad guy with three leads and a side plot vying for screen time in a 90 odd minute movie. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that it took a female ensemble outing for Marvel to suddenly remember you can edit a movie to under two hours.

There is also an inherent problem with having these three characters team up. It works great from a character point of view but requires the audience to turn a blind eye to story consistency in order for the three to be considered somewhat equals. Captain Marvel flew across the galaxy in minutes and overpowered Thanos but hereshe struggles in scraps with a couple of goons. She is also seems no more effective at fighting the main villain than the other two leads who really aren't in her weight class. It's mentioned at one point that she has the power to restart a sun so why is she struggling to dispatch this B-Tech Ronin the Accuser?

The brief running time and humorous moments mean The Marvels isn't an avoid at all costs proposition but it adds to the sense the MCU in general is becoming a bit of a pointless time sink. Less Marvellous and more less Marvel please.

5 planets that haven't had their atmosphere sucked out of them out of 10.

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

5 Naps at Freddy's

[5/10 · 3 December 2023]

I have no idea if 5 Nights at Freddy's is the adaptation fans of the game franchise have been waiting on or not but for everyone else this is a pretty drab affair.

Josh "Hunger Games" Hutcherson needs a job in order to keep custody of his little sister so he starts work as a night time security guard at an abandoned children's theme restaurant where no employee lasts more than a week. The lack of worker retention probably has something to do with the living animatronics that stalk the hallways but our hero doesn't care about any of that as he's much more interested in catching Z's so he can dream about the day his little brother was abducted in the hope of remembering details of the abductor, something which seems to be helped by the supernatural goings on at Freddy's. He is periodically visited Elizabeth Lail's local police women (she seems to be the entirety of the local police force) who is in turns flippant, cryptic and angry about the possessed mascot situation.

I suppose you could give the writers credit for adding some layers to the story and they did have to come up with a reason for the protagonist to keep returning, it isn't called One Night at Freddy's after all, but their choices leave the film with two major problems. Firstly, the flippancy with which living animatronics are treaty in the world is insane. When Hutcherson finds out about them being alive he more or less shrugs his shoulders and lets them have a play date with his little sister and at one point one of them even goes for a ride in a taxi. You may be thinking this is a all done with a wink and a nudge but it definitely isn't, there may be a couple of light hearted moments but this movie is taking itself deadly serious. The other, bigger, issue is that sidelining the killer robots in favour of scene after scene of the same dream sequence makes Five Nights at Freddy's boring. The film often feels like its stalling for time and there isn't enough atmosphere to sustain interest while little is happening.

It isn't all bad, it does have some atmosphere and youngster Piper Rubio is great as the main characters endangered little sister. Mathew Lillard is fun, although his appearance early on pretty much telegraphs a later reveal. The brother trying to raise his kid sister dynamic is a good idea and adds some emotional depth to the story it just never quite feels natural enough.

Maybe this really hits the spot for fans of the games but it's quite possible it just wasn't something that was going to translate to a good film while staying faithful to the source material. It's also hard to ignore the fact there is a much more entertaining take on this premise out there in 2021's Willies Wonderland. It may be a different type of film (and have a lower budget) but I'll take Nic Cage fighting murderous animatronics over Josh Hutcherson being sleepy any day of the week.

5 killer cupcakes out of 10.

The Exorcist: Believer (2023)

The Devil is in the Pigtails

[6/10 · 28 November 2023]

Whatever your opinion of David Gordon Green's Halloween trilogy its hard to deny he took a big swing at it and The Exorcist: Believer has a lot in common with the director's 2018 revitalisation of that franchise. Like Halloween 2018 this film ignores every previous sequel and is a direct follow up to the original Exorcist. Like Halloween 2018 this film sticks pretty closely to beats of the original but with heightened stakes (more kills for Halloween, twice the number of possessed kids here). Unlike Halloween 2018 this film isn't a complete success.

Not that The Exorcist: Believer is a write off by any means. Having two friends be possessed is a nice way of distinguishing proceedings from the sea of other possession films we have seen over the last few years and adds an extra layer to dealing with the situation, not only does the worried father need to deal with what is happening to his daughter but also with another family and their beliefs on what should be done. The possessed kids are suitably creepy and the film has an interesting take on the notion of an exorcism and faith. Rather than the strictly Christian depiction of the 70's original, Believer references the fact that some sort of demonic possession is present in many belief systems and the faith required to battle such things isn't tied to any particular religion, hinting at interesting directions the series could take going forward. The film's biggest selling point is an outstanding performance from Leslie Odom Jr. As single father Victor. His emotion and believability really sell proceedings and leave the viewer hoping things work out for him and his daughter.

Unfortunately, Believer drops the ball in two crucial areas. Firstly, the pacing of the movie leading up to the exorcism is too slow. There is a section where the two girls are missing that is dragged out to the point it feels the film is going to be a missing person drama. This falls flat as there are zero stakes, we know the girls are going to turn up. Later in the film a legacy character turns up what could have been a cool cameo but ends up turning the film into a sideshow. The other problem it has is in portraying the events of the Exorcism itself. Things are tense but it's unclear the procedure is actually progressing. Are all the things they are trying failing or are the setbacks just part of every exorcism? Is this a particularly hard to expel demon or is everything going as planned? It's harder to buy into the drama without having any idea how close success or failure is.

So what the film does well is mostly undermined, leaving it with only its famous name to really distinguish it from all the other possession flicks out there. Still, if you're a fan of the genre you'll probably find yourself entertained.

6 people saved from 10 "you can save your daughter or your wife" situations.

The Creator (2023)

Here's looking at you Robot Kid

[8/10 · 21 November 2023]

The Creator delivers big budget looks and scale infused with philosophical ideas, making it the kind of blockbuster film making people who decry the modern glut of franchise fodder will constantly tell you is missing from the big screen. Naturally it ended up playing to mostly empty theatres.

The central plot revolves around AI. Not the take your job, destroy creative industries and push propaganda kind that is depressing everyone in the news right now but good old sci fi robotic humanoids. Banned in the West after a nuclear incident they have taken refuge in "NewAsia" prompting the US to wage war across the Pacific, causing terror with a massive orbital battle station called the NOMAD. When word emerges the AI may have a new super weapon of their own John David Washington's bitter ex Army Sergeant Joshua Taylor is recruited to help a crack team go and eliminate the problem. When he discovers the "weapon" is a synthetic child he takes it on the run in the hope it can lead him to his previously thought deceased wife.

While the themes and religious undertones aren't exactly anything new it's refreshing to see them put so boldly to the fore and the script firmly get behind an ideal. There's none of that "can a machine have a soul?" stuff by the time credits roll here, sentience is life and taking it away is bad. Those who have seen director Gareth Edwards previous work, such as his debut gem Monsters and the parts of Rouge One that Disney actually let him direct, will know he has no qualms sticking it to the American notion of "keeping the peace" and the people running The Land Of the Free™ are very much the complete villains of the piece in The Creator. It may look stunning but that isn't the only reason Vietnam and its neighbours provide the backdrop here.

Speaking of looking stunning it really can't be overstated how great the visuals of this world are. Beautiful rural backdrops mixed with some of the crispest CGI you'll see this side of Pandora create truly unique vision of the future. The fact this all cost $80 million should have studios pumping out $200 mil plus comic book movies with scenes that look like JPEGs hanging their heads in shame. It puts to bed the argument that last years The Way of Water only looked so good because of Cameron's bottomless budget. Turns out that if you have a director with a singular vision involved in the effects process from the beginning then you can create something wonderful. Maybe handing overworked VFX artists the whole film to fix in post on an insane deadline isn't the way to make films look good? Who'd have thought.

So the Creator has looks and personality in spades as well as another great leading man turn from John David Washington. The story does sag a little as it goes on and the conclusion is visible a mile off but its always entertaining and a film of this type on this scale is something to be treasured.

8 rules of robotics followed out of 10.

Dumb Money (2023)

Money and Masks

[7/10 · 18 November 2023]

The challenge for Dumb Money is how to make a story about stocks interesting, especially when anyone interested either already knows what happened or can easily look up the events. The answer given here is to focus on some great characters played by grade A actors.

The story is a simple one, albeit one seasoned with odd bit of financial jargon. Way back in pandemic times (2021) a low rung financial investor called Keith Gill led a Reddit driven movement to buy up stock in video game retail chain Gamestop, massively driving up its share price and giving investors a huge return. This sparks a backlash from the big finance institutions betting on the companies demise. Paul Dano plays Gill with Seth Rogan, Vincent D'Onofrio and Nick Offerman appearing as real life Wall Street investors alongside some made up "average Joe" characters portrayed by America Ferrera, Anthony Ramos and others.

When every character is introduced we see their net worth, from the multiple billions to those in debt, giving a sense of the stakes for everyone involved. You really want the nurse to clear her debts, you really don't want the Wall Street tool to demolish a mansion and build a tennis court. Another great stylistic choice is the banging hip hop soundtrack. It's pretty hilarious to watch distinctly uncool characters live it up to rap beats and perfectly encapsulates the juxtapose between the gangsters they are in their own heads and the way the rest of the world sees them.

A much more divisive choice is the films use of face masks. Being set during the pandemic our heroes all wear masks while the hedge fund slimes are never pictured with them on, so far so realistic. Where it gets a little dicier is with the multiple scenes of authority figures telling our protagonists to put their masks on, suggesting that the virus slowing coverings were indeed some sort of tool of oppression. This idea is backed up near the end of the movie when a newly flush investor feels he no longer needs his day job and casts aside his make while his former boss meekly pulls his back up. Are we already far enough away from the height of the pandemic to thematically use face masks this way? Will we ever be? How you feel about that may greatly impact how you feel about this film.

Other than that Dumb Money is a slick, well acted telling of a fresh, (mostly) feel good story that should have you routing for the characters and keep you invested throughout, even if it isn't always exactly edge of your seat stuff.

I like 7 out of 10 of these stocks.

A Haunting in Venice (2023)

A Hauntingly Good Time

[8/10 · 9 November 2023]

A Haunting in Venice sees Kenneth Branagh strut his stuff as legendary detective Hercule Poirot for a third time and it just might be his best outing yet.

Unlike Murder on the Orient Express and Death on the Nile we aren't sticking closely to an original Agatha Christie book this time round, with screenwriter Micheal Green building his own tale around the very loose bones of lesser known Poirot story Hallowe'en Party. This allows the script to written in a way directly suited for film, weaving twists and turns into a compelling mystery and layering in some meditations on spirituality and purpose. There are even some light horror elements with the possibility that real ghosts may be involved in the goings on.

The movie begins with an aged Poirot (the film is set ten years after Death on the Nile) living in Venice as a recluse with a security guard keeping at bay dozens of people looking for the famous detectives help. An old friend visits and convinces him to help here expose a spiritual medium leading them both to attend a halloween party where, you'll be shocked to hear, a murder takes place. Obviously there is no way Hercule is going to let this slide so its retirement be damned and time to get sleuthing.

Despite having a significantly smaller budget than Death on the Nile this film looks significantly better. Where its predecessor had Egyptian landmarks rendered in dodgy CGI, A Haunting in Venice has the classy backdrop of Venice and a beautifully gothic grand old house for the mystery to take place in. This gives everything a unique atmosphere and makes this mystery feel different from other Poirot capers.

The cast is no less extravagant with another all star line up including the likes of Tina Fey and Jamie Dornan. The standout newcomer is Michelle Yeoh as the alleged spiritual medium but it's really Branagh's show. He has a whale of a time taking the detective from world weary recluse to preening peacock and with a script built fully around his interpretation of Poirot he has some killer lines.

This is all backed up with some full force directing from Branagh with crazy angles and shots mixed with quick editing to lean into the spooky old house ambiance. He may be as classic as they come in front of the camera but behind it Kenny dances to his own beat. I guess that's how he was able to deliver something as praised as Belfast and something as derided as Artemis Fowl within a year of each other.

The only people likely to be disappointed by A Haunting in Venice are those looking for the scares to go beyond the simply atmospheric but anyone looking for a good mystery, or just some sumptuous film making, are going to more than happy with their hour and three quarters on canals.

8 bears dancing the tango out of 10.

Blue Beetle (2023)

Someone Call the Exterminator

[4/10 · 6 November 2023]

The original DCEU utters it's last wheeze with Blue Beetle, a film with just about enough character to avoid being the most generic superhero movie of all time. Emphasis on just about.

It really should be better than it is since it has plenty of elements that ought to add up to a fun super hero caper. The focus is on a whole family rather than yet another lone outsider, it puts a different culture front and centre and it leans (or at least tries to) into the bright and silly side of the genre. Unfortunately so many parts of the movie feel like they've been given the absolute minimal effort.

The story sees Jamie Reyes return to his home city after graduating law school to find out his family are facing eviction. He takes a job with his sister at the mansion of an industrial CEO and promptly gets them both fired but ends up in possession of "The Scarab", an alien super weapon that is basically a sentient Iron Man suit. Naturally the evil corporation the suit was liberated from want it back and conflict ensues.

Pretty much every part of the plot is as by the numbers as you can imagine. Evil corporation treading all over the little guy? Check. Said corporation's villainous goal is create an army of super soldiers? Check. Bad guy that's a colour swapped version of the main character? Check. Day saved by the power of family/friendship? Check. Its all here and not delivered with anywhere near enough finesse to excuse the cookie cutter nature of proceedings. The same "it'll do" approach is applied to dialogue and even the special effects, with jokes that pretty much never land and wildly inconsistent CGI.

The acting ranges from not bad to, well, bad. At one end of the scale is Xolo Mariduena who despite having crumbs to work with in terms of character development manages to inject enough likability into Jamie that you don't want to see him get smeared across the floor, even with the insipid dialogue between him and the B-tech Friday AI that powers the Beetle suit. On the other end of the scale is a career low performance from Susan Sarandon as Victoria Kord. I'm not sure if she was asked to chew scenery but decided to try and play it more sinister or was told to be intimidating but decided to camp it up. Either way she falls completely flat somewhere between the two. Maybe she read the final script and simply couldn't be bothered. It's a pity since, with a bit fleshing out, her character could have been interesting given she has every right to feel scorned. As it stands the message from her character arc seems to be patriarchy is...good?

The only thing saving Blue Beetle from the absolute dregs of the genre is the Reyes family. None of them are particularly complex but they are all enjoyable and give off a genuine sense of family togetherness that adds some heart to proceedings. They mostly all get a moment to shine but you feel the best version of this film would have found a way to put them more front and centre. There is one joke/twist involving the grandmother that just doesn't work at all. I can imagine the film makers pictured the audience rolling in the aisles but staring in bemusement is the more likely outcome.

It really feels like Blue Beetle needed taking back to drawing board and rebuilt one more time but the studio just wanted to toss it out there so they could get on with starting their whole universe afresh.

4 successful revolutions started by geriatric matriarchs out of 10.

The Equalizer 3 (2023)

They think its McCall over...

[8/10 · 3 November 2023]

The Equalizer 3 is Denzel Washington's third turn as score leveller Robert McCall and it just might be the best one yet. At an hour and forty nine minutes its the trimmest of the vigilante's adventures and restricting the action (mostly) to a single Italian village gives proceedings a unique feel and bats away any sense of franchise fatigue.

After an opening that sees McCall badly wounded while brutalising some criminal types at a remote farm he ends up recuperating in an idyllic Italian village where he is suitably charmed by the locals who help him and has to decide how far he is willing to go to protect them from the vicious local mafia. In addition to giving the film a completely different look from the previous instalments, the change in setting allows for a change in focus. Taking on local criminals feels less grand than the facing off against government agents of The Equalizer 2 and, despite the stakes being less directly personal this time round, we see more of McCall as a person.

There are two stars of the show here. Firstly, Washington is (no surprise) great. You get doses of charm as well as introspection and you can see the development of the character since the first film. He also gets to be downright sinister at times, with a final act that depicts him more or less as a slasher villain. At one point there's even a gun banging nod to Detective Alonso.

The other big plus is the fictional village of Altamonte. Shot mostly along the Amalfi Coast, mainly in the real life medieval village of Atrani, the stunning backdrop makes the film look unbelievably slick and really sells the idea that the main character could settle down and find peace here. It also morphs into a fantastically brooding gothic setting for the film's darker moments. When Mr Equalizer is in full on angel of death mode you could almost be watching Dracula pick off his victims.

Things do take a little while to get going. McCall does a fair bit of humming and hawing before deciding to mete out retribution, meaning for a fair chunk of the runtime he is enjoying town life and verbally sparring with an American government agent while the gangsters roam around in black cars being all gangstery. Even then though, there is a charm to Denzel chilling in cafes and its just as well the villains meet such a violent end as they get to look so cool you'll be thinking maybe crime does pay.

All in all The Equalizer 3 turns out to be a fitting end (at time of writing) to the story of violent do-gooder Robert McCall and another successful team up for Washington and director Antoine Fuqua.

8 Snitches dropped from windows out of 10.

The Blackening (2022)

The Game is Rigged

[7/10 · 27 October 2023]

The Blackening begins like a cross between Scream and Saw, with a couple getting offed after being made to "play a game". Said game being an offensively racist board game that gives the movie it's title.

After this set up we are introduced to the various characters of the film who are getting together to mark the anniversary of finishing college. The relationships between the group are more complicated than you usually encounter in a slasher film and their dynamics helps flesh out the story.

Said story consists of the group playing the game and fighting off slashers. This, it turns out, is a lot easier when you make logical decisions rather than indulge in the clueless floundering you usually see in movies with this set up. The protagonists actually being pro active is one of the many meta black culture jokes running through the film. Other examples include the group being asked to name a horror film where the black character survives and told to decide which of them is the blackest (so the killer gets them next).

The Blackening isn't lowest common denominator humour like the Scary Movie franchise nor is an exploration of race like a Jordan Peele film. It's more a standard genre flick viewed through a black culture lens and it's pretty solidly entertaining. It doesn't attempt any real scares (although there is some genuine tension) but while it isn't laugh out loud funny from start to finish there are more than enough laughs to keep things ticking along.

Another good entry in a year that is turning out to have some good comedy chops.

7 creepy clerks put of 10 backwater shops.

Strays (2023)

Homeward Mother F'n Bound

[7/10 · 16 October 2023]

Strays sees Will Farell voicing nieve pooch Reggie who is abandoned in the big city . He teams up with live wire terrier Bug (Jamie Foxx), failed police dog Hunter (Randall Park) and stylish Australian Shepard Maggie (Isla Fisher) in a bid to get back home and chomp his waste of space former owner in the nether regions.

In case the plot doesn't make it clear, this comedy keeps it's paws firmly in the gutter. Toilet humour, penis gags and dogs humping things are the order of the day, and to be fair, it is pretty funny. Most of the time. The reason so much of the humour lands is the great voice cast. Will Ferrel brings a dignity to naivety that perfectly fits a trusting terrier and Jamie Foxx does aggressive little guy talking trash as well as anyone. Those two are the stars of the show so Park and Fisher have less to work with but round out the group nicely. It's also worth mentioning how good the talking dogs look, they somehow manage to make the dogs look completely realistic at all times and also make the talking seem natural. I have no idea how they were able to stop things wandering into uncanny valley.

Things do run out of steam a bit before the end, there's only so many poop and penis jokes you can hear before they start to go a little limp. There are couple of scenes with some really great off the wall humour and film would have benifited from leaning into this style of comedy a little more. Overall all though, Strays is a chance for a good chuckle at the cinema. Something all too rare these days.

7 still attached manhoods after 10 dog bites.

Gran Turismo (2023)

Racing to the Shops

[6/10 · 5 October 2023]

It's tough times at the box office these days but if there's one film this year that doesn't need to worry about ticket sales surely it's Gran Turismo. In addition to being a feature long advert for the game it's named after there is so much product placement packed into the production that it must have been in the black before a single person saw the finished movie. Even after paying Orlando Bloom for the world's most expensive Ross Kemp impression. Bizarrely, due to the racing setting and overall kitsch factor, the excessive marketing doesn't derail the film.

The basis of Gran Turismo is that back in 2008 Sony and Nissan got together to offer players of the Gran Turismo videogame the opportunity to train as real life racing drivers. This is based, albeit with a massive slice of creative licence, on one of the successful contestants.

What follows is the most by the numbers sport story you could imagine. Plucky kid with big dreams tested in all the ways you expect. A stern father who wants what's best for his son but doesn't understand his dreams. Gruff mentor with a past who is won over by the lead characters determination. Snide rivals who underestimate the hero. Generic love interest who has no real part in the plot. It's all here interspersed with Sony Walkmans, copious billboards and of course plenty of talk about how realistic the game is. "I've played it, it's.... Extraordinary" whispers Bloom in awe when selling the racer idea. More or less the entire first 15 minutes or so are variations on this sentence.

Despite it's limitations though Gran Turismo is pretty fun. The cast are solid with Archie Madekwe making protagonist Jann likable enough to root for and David Harbour unsurprisingly nailing the grouchy coach role. There is one strange casting choice with former Spice Girl (and perhaps more pertinently wife of F1 team boss Christian Horner) Geri Halliwell appearing as Jann's mum. She is fine but there's no getting around the fact its distracting having Ginger Spice at the dinner table.

The real star of the show is the racing. These scenes look and sound great, giving a real sense of thrill and danger even if the outcome is always pretty predictable. This may be a far cry from his District 9 glory days but director Neil Blomkamp clearly still knows what he's doing behind the camera.

You're not going to spend much time thinking about Gran Turismo once the chequered flag is waved but if you don't mind a large helping of cheese then there's worse ways to spend your time than checking it out.

6 pre orders out of 10 videogames.

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

I Got Bombs But I'm Not a Bomber

[8/10 · 29 September 2023]

Oppenheimer posed a tricky question for perennial hit maker Christopher Nolan. How do you make a three hour biopic of a scientist compelling enough to bring in big money? Turns out the answer is to not make a biopic at all.

While J. Robert Oppenheimer is indeed the focus of the film it eschews any traditional biopic format, instead serving up what is essentially a heist or even sports movie wrapped up in a courtroom drama. This allows the director to indulge his favourite hobby of playing with time, as the story jumps between two different panel hearings while also covering Oppenheimer's early career and of course the work of the Manhattan Project. This approach works incredibly well with the three hour runtime flying by. In fact, if you go to see this in the cinema you might want to skip the large cola as there really isn't any time when little enough is happening to sneak in a toilet brake.

Technically the film is outstanding. Cinematographer Hoyte van Hoytema, following on last year's Nope, is at the absolute top of his game and sound design is also great, with very little of the hard to hear dialogue that Nolan films are sometimes ridiculed for. The centre piece of the film is the first atomic bomb test and it is spectacular, you may have seen a million on screen explosions but you've never seen one shot like this.

It goes without saying that the cast is absolutely stacked, from Robert Downey Jnr's spurned official to Matt Damon's scenery chewing general. When you've got Kenneth Branagh filling out a relatively small role you know Oppenheimer is a prestige film. It all centres on a barnstorming performance by Cillian Murphy, who absolutely devours the role of J. Robert Oppenheimer. It's the type of role he has been ready to take on for decade or more and he nails his chance, expect to see him front and centre come award season.

Murphy's performance is central to the films biggest strength, keeping the titular character at just the right length from the audience. Scientist, schemer, leader, egomaniac, mythological figure. He is shown as all of these and more but never to the point where the film tells the viewer how much of each he was or what the you should really think of him. It's obvious he craves recognition but is it more important than accomplishment? He feels the weight of unleashing horror on mankind but does he feel it enough? All these types of question are left for the audience to decide.

One thing the audience is not asked to judge him on is his philandering, which is mostly left on the back burner here. Maybe because, in the face of creating nuclear weapons, marital indiscretions aren't considered a particularly important part of a man's legacy. Especially when it seems to be par for the course with famous scientists of that era. Or maybe it's because Nolan's major weakness as a film maker remains his inability to portray convincing relationships, leading here to a frankly bizarre sex scene.

Oppenheimer also isn't going to do anything to quiet critics who say Nolan underserves female characters. In the all star cast are Florence Pugh and Emily Blunt, two of the best around but (one scene aside) there is little for them to really get their teeth into. Perhaps Nolan will get a pass on this one given the male dominated nature of the time period.

Overall, the ambition and efficiency of Oppenheimer can't be denied. It ranks amongst Christopher Nolan's best work and one of the most entertaining historical dramas in a long time.

9 split atoms out of 10.

Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

Maybe Shark

[5/10 · 20 September 2023]

Before you watch Meg 2 : The Trench you need to ask yourself one question, do I like giant sharks tearing stuff up? If the answer is yes then this might not be the film for you.

The first Meg film was something of a sleeper hit, suggesting people quite like watching giant sharks. The marketing for this film suggests the studio know people quite like giant sharks but they don't seem to have passed that information along to the people actually making the film since, after a brief introduction, the megs (and the cool giant octopus from the trailer) are mostly relagated to final part of the movie.

Instead what you get is a series of bland, human focused, action set pieces. There's some dimly lit plodding through the titular trench, like a less good version of 2020's Underwater. Then there's some guys with guns running around a research station like a really crap Die Hard. Even the creature focused final act focuses as much on some dog sized land lizards (evolution has left them with legs despite millions of years confined to life underwater) giving the impression of a lame Jurassic Park.

To be fair Jason Statham at least looks like he is having fun, especially when he gets to play around on jetski. He is joined by Wu Jing (basically the Chinese Jason Statgam) who is also enjoying himself despite the limited script. In fact all the cast do pretty well with what they are given.

With the previous film taking a large bite out if the Chinese box office, The Trench doubles down on appealing to the same market. In addition to the casting the story is very China friendly, the bad guys are comically evil capitalists and while The Stath gets to kick ass it's teamwork that ultimately wins the day. Some people seem to really hate it when a big movie aims for an audience outside North America but personally I enjoy the slightly different flavour and it certainly is not the main issue here. That remains the lack of OTT fun.

The Meg 2 is in on its own joke it just doesn't tell it loud enough.

5 paddling puppies out of 10.