Change Your Image
ezra-52172
Reviews
Rock, Paper, Scissors (2017)
How stupid was thy movie. Let me count the ways
This movie was so bad on so many levels. First, since when do serial killers get released from jail after being cured? If Jeffrey Dahlmer was released, you better believe he would have killed again. Second, it was a really bad idea for the killer to return to the house where he killed people. Talk about triggers! That would have been like Jeffrey Dahlmer being able to return to his apartment where he drugged, killed, and ate dudes. The whole foundation and premise the plot is predicated on is not plausible. To the makers of this film: Stop making movies! If you must continue to make movies, come up with better plots. Serial killers don't get released back into society to kill again!
Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre (2014)
Unbelievably bad
****THIS REVIEW DOES CONTAIN SPOILERS****
When I saw the estimated $50,000,000 budget for this film I thought it was a type o. You mean $500 right?
Let's start with the plot. A group of scantly glad dressed ladies go out into the Everglades for a girl only camp out. Without them knowing, the swamp where they are staying is inhabited by and axe wielding, Seminole warrior spirit named Coowahchobee played by Ted Vernon who has the hairiest arms, back, chest and belly I've ever seen. A word of advice to the makers of this garbage. It's not very realistic to use an over weight, hairy white guy to play a Native American. I'm not even Native American, and I was both offended and insulted! Then again, no self-respecting Native American would want to be in horrible film like this. It suppose to be horror film not horrible.
The acting in this movie is very bad. Not even passable by B movie standards. The character of Ron who warns these unsuspecting ladies of the danger and Coowahchobee couldn't act his way out of wet paper bag. The makers probably picked him up at the local bar and asked him if he'd like to be in a movie.
In all honesty I couldn't finish watching this movie. It took very bad and dragged it down further.
It's up to you, but you may want to steer clear of this mess.
Lost After Dark (2015)
Absolutely dreadful
****THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS****
Were do I begin? I'll start with the plot.
A bunch of high school kids ditch the school dance to steal a bus and drive to a cabin for weekend of fun and drinking. The cabin is owned by one of the characters who is ridding in the bus. The bus breaks down, or does it run out of gas? This movie is so bad it doesn't matter.
This ordinary slasher movie has some really dumb characters in it. Question. If Jeffrey Dahmer were alive today, and you knew he was a serial killer, and you where he lived, would you go to his residence? I hope the answer is no. Logic would dictate that you don't!
These characters kept going back to the place where a cannibalistic, homicidal killer was residing and doing all the killing. Basically saying, "here I am, come and kill me please."
Also, there was little to no effort put in to try and fight the killer. Even with crude weapons at their disposal. I've heard of strength in numbers, but not rank stupidity in numbers.
My gosh. That's an hour and some change I'll never get back. Do yourself a favor. Stay away from this stinker!
Holland Road (2015)
Not worth the watch
This is one of the few movies I wish I could unwatch. The story line is pretty good, but the cinematic telling of it is horrible.
First, the acting is terrible. No Oscar nodes for this one. How the actors got hired to do this film is beyond me?
Second, this is another horror movie that relies very heavily on the character's stupidity to kill almost everyone off. There were many instances where the characters got the jump on the killer only to not finish the job, and get killed like colossal idiots. If you can knock the killer out, it stands to reason you can kill him.
Third, this movie is full of bad acting, character stupidity, and bad cinematic execution. I don't recommend this movie. It was 52 minutes of my life that I will never get back.
Wrong Turn 5 (2012)
Wrong Movie
This was the wrong movie for me to watch.
First, there is nothing scary, frightening, intense or suspenseful about this movie.
Second, movie characters start dying from the beginning with no story buildup. There's nothing tying the deaths together. It's just random, cannibalistic violence for the sake of violence.
Third, I realize whenever you watch movies, you have to be able to suspend some of your beliefs in reality. This movie spits in the face of reality! The deputy getting killed in the beginning is a quintessential example of what I'm talking about. One of the inbreed killers is walking towards him with a bow and arrow. Shoots him with an arrow while he had ample time to draw his side arm and place a hole in his head. Keep in mind the deputy is armed with a handgun. Does he pull it out and drop the killer? No. He waits to get killed!
Fourth, that same killer has the ability to out run and out maneuver 12 gauge shot, and get shot in the leg only to experience instantaneous healing.
Once again, a horror movie that relies heavily on the main characters stupidity, bad judgment, and the villain's ability to avoid getting killed, and heal instantly. This theme is getting old and annoying!
The Green Inferno (2013)
Jeffrey Dahlmer's cannibalistic Peruvian getaway
This movie was bad. I'm surprised so many people liked it?
First, there is nothing even remotely scary about this movie. Naive, pretentious college kids traveling to a foreign country for a cause is nothing new. It later turns out the leader of these naive misfits has other motives for dragging his group out in the middle of the Peruvian jungle.
Second, the plane ride home crashes unexpectedly, and the survivors are greeted by cannibalistic, indigenous natives painted blood red. The village of the natives has half eaten human bodies strewn all over the place. Also, there are human heads on spikes that would make Jeffrey Dahlmer blush if he were still alive. Still, nothing inherently scary about this. One of the survivors gets eaten immediately.
Third, I'm not sure why the some of the females were given a body cavity search by the village leader and hostess who resembled Marylyn Mansion in aboriginal garb? Creepy but not scary.
This movie was a colossal waste of my time because there are no frights, no intense moments, and no plot twists. This movie is all gore and no fright.
Shrooms (2007)
Could have used shrooms to make it through Shrooms
This movie is bad to the point where there are no redeeming qualities about it.
First, the movie idea featuring bored over privileged and pretentious college kids wanting to trip on magic mushrooms is a little interesting. Also, let's throw in their host. Some English sheep shagger who happens to be the world's leading expert on psychedelic mushrooms. His first warning to everyone was not to eat the shrooms with the black eye in the middle because it could kill you. If it doesn't kill you, it could open a dimensional gateway to a nightmarish world.
Second, all those things combined could have an interesting movie. However, the movie's execution of the above theme was dreadful!
Third, as the movie digresses, the lines between reality and bad tripping become blurred. You can't tell what's really going on.
Fourth, as this non cohesive mess of a movie begins to unravel, the body count rises.
Fifth, I'm not sure what role or value added the back woods, inbreed, half wits provided for the movie?
Sixth, it appears Tara (Linsey Haun), the main character, went from being chased by hooded demons to the one doing all the killing? The movie does nothing to show that transition.
This movie was a mess. Perhaps the makers and everyone involved were on shrooms during the filming.
Backcountry (2014)
Rank stupidity at its worst
****Warning does contain plot spoilers****
First and foremost, there's nothing scary about this movie other than a few, very brief moments of terror and intensity.
Second, a couple spending a few days out in the wilderness is not a new movie story line.
Third, all the actors were convincing in their roles. The movie was well made which is why I didn't render it a 1 or -1. Alex (Jeff Roop) is Jenn's (Missy Peregrym) boyfriend and Brad (Eric Balfour), a lone man who gives extended, off the map, deep woods tours.
Fourth, and in the beginning, Jenn has no idea what a colossal idiot her boyfriend Alex is. For example, Alex proceeds to give Jenn a hard time for wanting to bring along defensive bear spray citing she won't need it because he believes there are no bears where their camping.
Fifth, Alex decides to showcase his excellent land navigation skills by not bringing a map, and by getting them hopelessly lost. He felt his memory of past visits to the expansive wilderness their in was more than sufficient.
Sixth, Jenn had a cell phone. Maybe they can use the cell phone's map app to determine their their location. Once again, nuclear engineer Alex took care of that by taking Jenn's cell from her without her knowledge or consent. Way to go Alex!
Seventh, in the mist of all this dismal stupidity, along comes a man eating bear with a taste for human blood. Alex and Jenn are in a tent and see this monster coming. Does Jenn ready the bear spray? No! They sit their in the tent like a couple clowns waiting to be devoured!
Eighth, Alex ends up getting devoured while Jenn sits in the tent and lets it happen while she still possesses the bear spray which she will later leave behind.
Finally, the whole camping trip was orchestrated by Alex, the neurosurgeon who wanted to propose to Jenn. Once the bear enters the scene, the movie becomes extremely painful to watch due to the stupidity of Jenn and Alex. They were such idiots that I started rooting for the bear to end it.
Run Like Hell (2014)
So bad it never becomes good
****Warning contains spoilers****
This movie is bad. First, the story line featuring 2 couples going on vacation is nothing new. One of the main characters is an ex military type who has seen action in Iraq. From what I can tell he's the strong don't say much type. The other main male character is cooperate and sissified. Their wives were along for the ride to provide booty calls and easy hostage pickens.
Here's where the movie takes an awful turn for the worst. The couple's car gets stolen. I got to ask. Who leaves their keys in the car? Dumb! Then the couples stumble upon a couple who appears to amiable on the surface. They offer their home and hospitality while the jerk water, town rent a cop looks for their stolen car. Little does the couples know this back woods desert town is inhabited by crazy homicidal maniacs. The movie offers no insight as to why this town has an elaborate kill factory.
The remaining survivors attempt to get away while taking out some of the town killers. There were lost opportunities during the movie to turn the tide in the main characters favor. There were scenes where bad guys with guns are killed and the guns are left behind. Again dumb! I can't go on. This movie was bad. I do not recommend it. Not even for a laugh.
See How They Run (2014)
OK but not good
This movie was OK, but not good. The acting was OK, and the story line was descent. While I love sexy sorority girls in horror movies, the movie lacked coherence and a sense of direction and purpose. There were numerous occasions during the course of the movie where it failed miserably to connect the dots. I found myself having to try to connect the dots myself on a board where the dots were scattered like the stars at night. As the movie was drawing to a close, a characters unceremoniously showed up from left field. Trying to make sense where certain characters fit into to the movie as a whole was like trying to hammer a round peg into a rectangular hole. In the end, the movie seems to fall flat like a cake made with no eggs. I rendered it a 4 because an honest effort was made to turn this B horror into a -A horror movie.