bigdarvick Reviews

The Tomb (2009)

Nice visuals...

[4/10 · 7 September 2010]

...but that's about it. I kept asking myself, "did they actually watch the movie before releasing it?" The thin plot line was all over the place and offered little explanation. Corny acting and dialog that could be barely spoken with a straight face. Confusing locations in the movie--tough to put your finger on where it was taking place. One minute they're in the USA, the next, they're in Russia. The electricity works fine, the suddenly it's not working and no one says anything. The movie is filled with tons of gaffes. Soundtrack consisted of a much too loud orchestra playing throughout every scene, (much like a Looney Toons cartoon.)

I'm sure the writers, producers etc, thought they were creating a masterpiece. Trust me,they didn't come close.

Stolen (2009)

Stolen: I was robbed of 3 bucks to rent this mess!

[2/10 · 10 June 2010]

To me, this movie was horribly written and directed. One thing that bothered me was the fact that a great deal of this movie took place in 1958, yet everyone was sporting hair styles not appropriate for that era. This is an art direction gaffe and when small details like that are overlooked, it creates doubt for the viewer, either consciously or subconsciously.

Once again, the actor Josh Lucas walks through this movie with the same pained look on his face that he had throughout the movie Tell Tale--another big bomb.

Over all, Stolen had a made for TV look and feel to it. It dragged and dragged and dragged. I got up and went to the bathroom numerous times, then I got up and went to the fridge repeatedly. Finally, I sat down again and tried to focus on the movie but it was too late. I could no longer sit and watch it. I was angry for falling for the fake reviews,"Compelling, tense thriller..." Shame on me!!

The Lost (II) (2006)

The Lost was Found

[9/10 · 2 June 2010]

OK. I saw all of these glowing reviews on IMDb and thought I'd rent it from Netflix. I was not disappointed. I'm not going to write a lengthy introspective essay on how well this film worked...it just did.

I honestly thought that the actor portraying Ray Pye was not just good, but phenomenal! Yeah, he was. I could see that he had nailed this part from the get go. If you took Anthony Perkins and bolted on double turbo chargers, he still wouldn't have come close to this portrayal of a young man losing himself to his own mind.

The Lost's lead actor was by far the best example of psychosis I have seen on screen--ever! Ray Pye's slow mental breakdown had my heart rate on full throttle. The scenes of violence were depicted in such a way that it was believable.

The only flaw in this film was it's length and even that is arguable. All in all, this movie was very very well made and I whole heartedly recommend this to anyone. Warning: you may rip the arms of your seat off!

Tell Tale (2009)

There were many Tell Tale signs that this was a turkey

[5/10 · 29 January 2010]

It wasn't awful in the Ed Wood sense of the word awful. It just draaaagged-- as if the actors had taken some very strong downers. The dialog was unintentionally funny, because it was so predictable and not too well written--plus, the lead actor who played the single dad named Terry, had this "I'm scared" look on his face throughout at least 75% of this film. For the remaining 25% of the movie, he looked like as though he was always about to burst into tears.

Loosley (an understatement) based story on Poe's The Tell Tale Heart. This is a prime example of ruining a literary masterpiece of horror. Poe,(if alive)would've driven a stake through the screenwriter's heart, then buried him under the floor boards. The flick portrayed the story as kind of a horror, suspense, action mish mosh. Unfortunately, there was little of any horror, suspense or action. It had the overall feel of some "made for TV" mega flop. In the film, there was a surprise here and there, but no big deal. We've seen 'em before in other movies. Nothing seemed to gel here, it was like eating runny jello in it's early cooling stages before it firms up. It's all sloppy and difficult to get on a spoon to eat. Too frustrating and not worth the effort. Watch this movie only if you are on Quaaludes.

I Sell the Dead (2008)

I Sell The Dead...gets my stiff, decaying, thumbs up!

[8/10 · 5 January 2010]

OK. Finally, a horror film that's done well. As soon as I heard the music, I knew that some effort had been made in creating what I consider to be an almost masterpiece of good ol'horror. Zombies, whores, booze, grave snatching and a lot more. A great cast, well acted, well directed, well written---there was hardly a flaw. Even the American actors with Irish/English accents really pulled it off. I thought that the actor Larry Fessenden looked familiar to me. It was that missing tooth. Finally I realized that this guy was the lead in "Habit" a film about vampires in NYC. I thought he was excellent in that role. Now I'm wondering if he's an American or not. His accent was so convincing in "I Sell," that I thought he had to have grown up in the emerald isle, not in the US. Well apparently he's a born and raised New Yorker. A great actor--really made the role his own in this movie. Nothing beats a horror flick set in early 19th century Europe (like the old Hammer flicks.) I encourage anyone that wants to have a great time to watch this well crafted movie.

Plaguers (2008)

Plaguers should be...

[1/10 · 5 January 2010]

...burned and then burned again. Any remnants of this movie should be wiped off the face of the earth. If I could use the word crap over and over and get it posted, I'd do that. Instead, I have to write something explaining my position (bent over toilet vomiting) on why this flick blew chunks. Well, how about every conceivable gaffe in film making is represented in this movie. If you wanted to use this debacle as an example in a freshman film making class of what NOT to do when attempting to make your first movie...this would work just fine. It violates the senses of anyone unfortunate enough to watch this poorly made stink bomb. Move over "Ed Wood and One Shot Beaudine," there's another really bad film guy on the lot.

100 Feet (2008)

100 Feet, Goes Deep

[6/10 · 15 November 2009]

I was a little surprised at this movie. I expected worse. I lowered my expectations due to the fact that I got it from RedBox. That's right, RedBox has been notoriously stocking their machines with junk flicks. Maybe they got enough complaints from "you the consumer" and decided to actually watch a movie before committing to sticking it in their little vending machines.

This movie was good, not great, but provided some punchy scares that had me leaping off of the couch. (It takes a lot for me to get off the couch too.) Some very well done scenes combining horror and the paranormal, went a long way on the scare 'o' meter. Good, competent acting and directing, plus fairly polished dialog made this movie pretty scary and somewhat believable. It had its moments when it dragged or skipped some detail, but overall it gets 2 rotting thumbs up!

Staunton Hill (2009 Video)

Staunton Hill went downhill fast!

[2/10 · 2 November 2009]

I thought that maybe, just maybe, some of George Romero's talent rubbed off on his son. Not a chance. Not that "pops" is a super talent like Kubrick,but at least he's found his niche with zombies. His son has not.

This film was nothing more than a blatant rip off of Texas Chain Saw Massacre with the usual bunch of Southern inbreds that we've seen repeatedly in other slasher movies.

Staunton Hill was a low budget, poorly written, poorly directed, poorly edited and overall poorly produced film. I believe that it went straight to DVD and if it was ever seen in a theater, the audience must've gone to sleep or left after the first 20 minutes. I would.

This flick had just the most ridiculous dialog, it dragged and dragged and made little sense. Plot holes that would suck in a solar system. Supposely, this yawn, I mean this yarn, had taken place in 1969. Whoever was the stylist (I'm assuming they had one)had totally missed the mark with period correct clothing and hair styles (accept for the black dude with the afro pick sticking out of his hair.)

Nothing was clear at all, including the reason for making this movie. The only reviewer's quote to appear on the DVD cover box was from George Romero. Not exactly objective.

I'm assuming that this was baby Romero's first attempt at film making. He gets a B minus for effort, and a slap on the back for a "better luck next time kid," if there is a next time.

It's Alive (2009)

It's Alive, but boring

[4/10 · 15 October 2009]

This is what bothered me throughout the film...it's location. We as the audience are supposed to believe this story takes place in New Mexico. Unfortunately, we're tipped off at the beginning of the film that it was shot in Bulgaria (where?)with a Bulgarian crew etc. This is when a film should save it's credits for the end of the movie. A few minutes into the flick, we are told via a caption, that the story takes place in New Mexico. Even if my eyes were shut tight during opening credits--I'd know in a heartbeat that the location isn't New Mexico. Instead, what we see is an Alamo style house on the edge of a Bulgarian forest with tall looming trees behind it. Are they kidding? I can understand saving money by shooting in Bulgaria(where?)but how could they expect us (in the USA) to believe that it was New Mexico? Why not say Oregon or some other geographically similar location? Instead, all we see are gray skies and obviously freezing cold outdoor shots with shivering actors. There are so many gaffes in this straight to DVD movie that it is incredibly distracting. We see shots of a pool at night with a pool cover on it, then, in the next shot, it's off. Steam rising out of this pool (cold in Bulgaria...where?) There were very few shots of the baby in it's monster guise and we as the audience, can't understand why no one can see what's up with this kid. The baby's father is never around and when he is, never seems to have a clue that this kid is a little monster.

The entire New Mexico police force consisted of 2 cops, both of which made Inspector Clouseau look like Sherlock Holmes. They never ask for back up (they didn't have shoulder radios) even when being attacked by this 10 lb wunderkind. As a matter of fact these police were wearing generic uniforms with no insignia etc.

The acting was OK up until the mommy (played by Bijou Philips)started to think she was actually in a film that may get some notice and began to ham it up to the point of it being embarrassing.

I think that everyone associated with the remake of this camp classic should've watched the movie "Grace" if they wanted to see a terrifying movie about a demon child. That was a well done film--great dialog and acting, both subtle and scary to the point of making me squirm in my seat and giving me nightmares. Well, It's Alive gave me nightmares too. I dreamt that I wasted a $1.07 at Red Box.

Seventh Moon (2008)

This movie was like eating bad Chinese food and getting cramps

[2/10 · 12 October 2009]

If you want a film that has camera work that looks like the camera man had Parkinson's, than this is for you. After 20 minutes into this confusing plot flop, I was thoroughly nauseous from watching this convulsing mess. Sure, overall it was an interesting idea, but it wasn't pulled off correctly. Not spooky enough when it could've been and it just kept getting more and more tedious as the film wore on. I mean wore on. Did I say "wore" enough times? I can't put it in "all caps" because it's shouting (according to IMDb.) Please take my word for this. The film was not good enough to pick up major distribution for a reason. It was probably seen in a couple of film festivals then went straight to Ghost House--a company that seems to be picking up more stinkers lately, than even After Dark. Wait a couple of weeks and you'll see this one on the Free Zone.

The Thaw (2009)

Thaw...Not Exactly Chilling.

[3/10 · 12 October 2009]

It had some brief moments of entertainment, but overall it was Luke warm at best. The producers must've blown their budget on hiring Val Kilmer to fill some dead spots in the movie. Kilmer kind of walks through this movie and plays a dopey doc that wants these parasites to infest mankind just to make a point about global warming. Supposedly this movie takes place very cold (or somewhere in Canada.) Unfortunately, there isn't a lick of smoke we can see exiting their mouths in a supposed subzero climate. As a matter of fact, there was barely a drop of snow to be seen anywhere. Oh yeah, global warming. Throw in a bunch of 30 something year old grad students that are supposedly the most brilliant of their class and viola! LOL! Whoever the actress was that played Kilmer's daughter, should be given a Golden Turkey award for most pathetic portrayal of a confused daughter to a wacky mad scientist. I mean bad!! This movie delivers thrills for a buck at Red Box, but it's not worth a penny more.

The End.

Watchmen (2009)

Watchmen Wasn't Watchable

[2/10 · 26 August 2009]

I couldn't bring myself to give it a 1 star rating, but I came damn close! I was one of those viewers that didn't read the comic book or whatever you call them these days (graphic novels? oh yeah, that's a good one....it's a damn comic book. Even if it costs 20 bucks.) Regardless, this movie Tanked with a capital "T." A confusing mess with retro gadgets and enough sepia tones to last a lifetime (please, no more)this flick was a waste of good money, talent etc. It was just awful! Worst of all, it was plain boring. Do not rent this unless you can't find any Ed Wood films. I really don't have much to say about this movie and IMDb is telling me that I didn't have enough lines in my review. Can I say "boring" like a thousand times or will they get mad?

Forest of Death (2007)

The Chinese are making bombs!!!

[1/10 · 12 May 2009]

...and I don't mean nuclear!! This movie is proof that the Chinese are not the greatest filmmakers by a long shot. A slow convoluted plot--something about trees that have consciousness, are witness to a rape and murder. Man, I didn't know whether to laugh or just curse out RedBox once again for duping me. Doesn't anyone at RedBox actually watch the movies first? What I wound up doing, was conducting my own experiment-- by peeing on a bush, while making abusive comments. Nothing happened for a day or two, then suddenly I got a horrific rash on my johnson. Do plants actually react to trauma? Not sure if the rash was coincidental or not. You be the judge. This movie deserves to be buried in a forest, where it will never be found.

Stay (I) (2005)

Stay? think I'll leave.

[3/10 · 26 April 2009]

If you're expecting a film that will pick you up and take you for a ride, than stay away from Stay. The film starts of slowly and never picks up the pace. "Stay" is a perfect example of even with a polished cast and crew, a movie can go terribly wrong.

I know that other reviewers say that it was visually stunning (it was) and that the acting was top notch (sure, yup) but very unfortunately, the movie had just degenerated into a confusing mess of what's real, what's not or what is this, a flashback or present time? It was difficult to hang on to a story line and sort out all of these disjointed scenes.

It isn't that the film was too deep for me to comprehend, but I feel that most viewers will have difficulty putting it in perspective.

There were some great moments in the movie, some eerie scenarios, great transitions from scene to scene but as a whole, to me, the movie failed.

13 Hours in a Warehouse (2008)

Within the First Five Seconds...

[1/10 · 13 April 2009]

...you'll find out this this flick stinks bad. I knew I would be guaranteed of a flop, just by watching the previews. Apparently, these filmmakers (lol) were responsible for past epics of infantile freshman film-making 101. Whoever gave this movie decent reviews (and there were a few who praised it) must be someone involved in the making of this golden turkey, or someone who is a paid shill for the film company responsible for this completely amateurish attempt at ripping off Resevouir Dogs. I laughed out loud at some of the positive reviews--who are they fooling?

Endlessly spinning camera shots open up this "direct to DVD" mega bomb that accomplishes nothing except to cause nausea. Choppy, poorly miked sound, made it difficult to hear anything (not that there was much to listen to.) Would Dav (without an "e") Kaufman please refrain from ever, I mean ever, making another movie? Instead of me paying RedBox (those morons) a 1.07, I could have a lot more fun either burning my money, or just flushing down the toilet.

Invasion of the Pod People (2007 Video)

Invasion of your wallet!!!

[1/10 · 31 March 2009]

This movie was actually worse than 1 star, but I couldn't find an icon that would be suitable. (Suggestion: a steaming pile of you know what!) There are no pods, no juicy transformations, like in all or any other pod/invasion type genre flick. Instead of a pod, a woman walks into a scene with a store bought piece of ginger root that's stuck in a little planter and proclaims how unusual this plant is etc. It's a stupid piece of ginger for crying out loud!! What did they think, no one would notice? Plus, this film is like watching a porn film without the porn. Once again, an entire budget went into DVD cover art and creating the opening titles, (which were the most interesting element of the movie.) To say this film had any merit what so ever, would be a stretch. The caliber of actors was the lowest tier of washed up "never beens" and "never will be's." An assortment of semi-hot girls that spewed awful, awful dialog (of what you could even hear. Most of it was unintelligible due to poor miking.) Special effects included a smidgen of ketchup on the corner of a person's mouth and what looked like "come" on dangling off of a woman's face, (goo from the pod/ginger root take over.) This was the biggest waste of time since Hide and Creep, another big mega bomb!! I think the actors in this film should stick to what they know best: working the rides at the traveling carny.

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006 TV Movie)

Kraken. A stupid movie you can crack on!

[1/10 · 28 February 2009]

Yeah, I know it was made for TV and it sure looks it. From the moment I saw the opening titles and heard the theme music, I knew I was in for a baaad movie. I'm talking real bad. Once again, I bought a used DVD movie based on the cover art and fake reviews. I didn't see the made for TV 3 point type or else I would've stayed away. (Silly me.) The special effects budget must've been extremely low 'cause the CGI was cartoonish and unconvincing. The acting was poor and the entire movie should be honored with a Golden Turkey award. A movie strictly for making fun of. This movie would even have offended Ed Wood's ethics of film making. Kraken, should be sunk in the cold deep waters of anonymity.

Zombie Nation (2004)

Zombie Nation was better than Romero!

[10/10 · 11 February 2009]

The wonderfully scripted film noir, known as Zombie Nation was a masterpiece! It has been painfully misrepresented in these reviews by people who do not understand film making at it's best!! Just kidding! Had you going right? This film was pure sh*t and I knew it was going to stink 10 seconds into it. I just love it when horrible films get stunning reviews by cast members and other morons (see ReVamped, Brotherhood of Blood, Behind the Mask) for four star favorable reviews of some of the worst all time steamers. Some companies must hire people to spew great reviews in an effort to turn the tide of a sewage pool, but true horror fans know the score and will not give kudos when they're undeserved. Zombie Nation had only 2 things going for it--the name and the cover art. The rest of the movie justifies censorship and book burning (DVD burning.)

Ghost Son (2007)

Ghost Son seemed to materialize out of nowhere

[7/10 · 10 February 2009]

I was strolling through a flea market and found this DVD in a bin for 5 bucks. It looked interesting. I wasn't quite sure what the film had in store for me and I didn't pay attention to the cast, director etc as I would for most horror films. I just liked the cover art, which has gotten me into trouble in the past with notable bombs such as Brotherhood of Blood, ReVamped and other bad ones. I fall for the artwork.

This film, although slow and dragging in some spots, delivered some full fledged--top to bottom, spine chills. The "creep factor" in this movie scored with a bullet and had me squirming on my couch.

Admittedly, I knew little about the director of this film, but I knew that it had an Italian crew behind it and in my humble opinion, they did a nice job. It was just an unusual story and a well made film. My wife got up and walked out on it because it upset her and believe me, it will upset and scare you at the same time. A well shot, acted and produced film. Plus, the star of this movie was someone I had never seen before and my first impression was that she was a talentless hot bod. Wrong on the talentless aspect, right on the hot bod. She was convincing and a capable actor.

I give this film "7 hail Mary's."

Revamped (2007 Video)

Revamped is recycled waste!

[1/10 · 9 February 2009]

This guy Rector must be some horny Beverly Hills business man whose dream it was to make a "great" movie opus. His name pops up numerous times during opening credits. He gave himself credit for doing everything in the movie. I'm surprised it didn't say "Catering by Jeff Rector" or "Janitorial duties by Jeff Rector." This piece of crap movie has a range of washed up B actors, porn stars and bodybuilders. Ray Hollit could never act, but she still looks great even though she's been out of the bodybuilding scene for years.

Jeff Rector must've had a blast making this movie. I can picture these actors hanging on his every word as if he were Orson Wells, (more like Ed Wood, but less interesting.)

The best part of this movie is the DVD cover design. They must've blown their entire budget on it. The design is very well done and it gets 4 stars from me,but I can only give the film 1 very generous star. The cover art was responsible for getting me to rent flick but, boy did I feel duped! Lured in once again by a great DVD cover design. The film is not bad enough to really laugh at--you just sit there and curse this guy Rector, whose seems to be responsible for this large, steaming pile of dung.

Nightmare Man (2006)

The Nightmare is spending good money on this piece of sh*t

[1/10 · 8 February 2009]

8 Films to Die for...I've had it with you. One stinker after another. Oh, yeah, there were a few decent movies (Grave Dancers, Unrest)but that has changed. One horribly bad bomb after another. Again, money well spent on DVD cover art and fake four star reviews and that's it!! The production values on this stinker didn't even meet that of a porn movie's. The women cast members were strictly placed in it for T & A reasons. The guy who played the husband must of had something to do with financing this movie, because there was no other reason for him to be in it. He had the range of a plastic action figure. I will make a solemn promise, to never, ever, buy or rent another 8 Films to Die For flick. To me, they have reached the point of no return (like Full Moon.) Shame on them.

Brotherhood of Blood (2007)

Brotherhood of Blood is like a Bucket of Sh*t!!!

[1/10 · 8 February 2009]

Whoever was giving this flick anything short of a Golden Turkey award, must be a cast member, or somehow involved in this terribly made "direct to DVD" mega bomb. Sometimes, people involved in making a movie such as this mess, will go on IMDb and load it up with fake favorable reviews such as they've done here. Read stuff like "Art house Horror" or "Brotherhood of Blood is a good example of counter-cinematic art." Oh, man...I laughed so hard when I read that!! If Ed Wood were around, he would've loved it.

Special effects: There weren't any.

Make up: Over sized fangs that made it difficult for the "actors" to talk.

In Brotherhood of Blood, from the opening scene-- to the final frame, was nothing more than a grossly amateurish, poorly written, acted, directed, edited, miked, shot movie. I bet even the catered food they had on set was day old MacDonald's. I'm thinking that Sid Haig isn't getting too much work lately, so he's doing a "Bela Lugosi" by appearing in anything that comes his way. Next, we'll see him in a high school version of "Cats."

Everyone involved in making this movie should chip in, take out a billboard on Sunset Blvd and apologize to anyone who took the time to actually watch Brotherhood--it's that bad!! Once again, the budget was blown on good DVD cover art and not the movie itself. Sort of like a restaurant that spends it's money on decor and not the kitchen. I was suckered in---I'll give them that. I rented it. But, let this be a warning to anyone that is considering this movie, it will guarantee to disappoint you (unless of course you were in the movie.) I hope Ghost House Pictures takes a cue from what has happened to Full Moon--with that company's disastrous descent into the most pathetically made movies of all time. There presently is no category for Full Moon to even be described in anymore.

Pathology (2008)

Pathologically Intense!!

[8/10 · 2 February 2009]

After being burned repeatedly at BlockBuster and Redbox by renting (or even buying) the crappiest horror flicks i.e. Tooth and Nail, Hide and Creep, Crazy Eights and other horribly made horror films--it was finally a "hit" with "Pathology!" I saw the film for sale in a used DVD bin. I carefully examined the cover looking for tell tale signs of a low budget stinker. Sometimes you can tell by the studio (Full Moon) or the so called favorable reviews-- even the type face used in the cover art can reveal if a film may be a bomb. As I stated before, I had a run of bad movie rentals and buys so I was surprised to find one that was not only good, it was great!! I had plunked down 7 bucks for Pathology and it was worth every penny. Great visuals of the lowest decadent behavior you can imagine. Autopsies, sadistic sex, drug use, revenge and so much more. Fast paced editing with interest levels held high, I was engrossed in this tight little movie. Believable acting with a gold star going to the actor playing Dr. Jake Gallo. When there are scenes in a movie that make a life long horror fan such as myself turn away in disgust, I know it's a winner!!

Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)

Tribulation Farce!!

[7 January 2009]

For the life of me, I cannot understand why anyone, Christian or non--would enjoy this mess. If anything, it was unintentionally hilarious!! Crappy acting, dialog, effects (what effects?) and so much more. This film would be great for Mystery Science Theater 3000. Nothing like the world getting saved by a few Christians. The guy who played the anti Christ, had the worst Russian accent ever recorded and sucked as an actor. As a matter of fact, everyone sucked in this movie. Kudos go out to the guys who wrote and directed this boring, soap box preaching, overtly symbolic waste of time. Who paid for this to be made? They should be crucified!!

The Last House in the Woods (2006)

This flick is a giant merda

[26 November 2008]

Nice artwork on the DVD box and that's about it. On the cover it says, "from the people who brought you the Grudge" etc etc, lot's of hype. From Ghost House pictures, a company that usually will deliver the scares, but not in this case.

First 10 minutes of the film is shot too dark. Then there are numerous gaffes with the day for night type scenes. One scene it is dark, the next it's daylight. On par with an Ed Wood film. Horrible editing, shots of 3 guys driving in a little Fiat seen over and over with the driver never turning the wheel.

Lingering close ups, fast zooms--both in and out, shaky hand held camera to the point of it looking like the cinematographer was having a seizure.

Goofy, over the top acting, more suitable for an Italian soap opera. "Hey Enzo, we needa more blood, no?"

I bought this movie used for 10 bucks and I might as well of just flushed it down the toilet. Here's some advice for Ghost House pictures: Please don't become another Full Moon. There are already enough low budget stinkers being put out by those guys. Have some credibility and actually watch the movie before you market it --and in the case of Last House in the Woods, your marketing was deceptive and I fell for it. You got me, but now I will research a Ghost House movie before I buy or rent one.