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Reviews
Conan the Barbarian (2011)
Would Have Been Better Off as a PG Movie for Kids
Not for the legions of devoted fans who rightfully adored the original mind you, but for the studio. At least that way they could have sold it as an action packed adventure for the family. Maybe they would have come close to breaking even.
For the rest of us though, all the million dollar sets and bare breasted women in the world couldn't save this film from its flat dialogue, terrible character development, overly convenient plot vehicles (master thief who just happens to have the keys to a secret passage to the fortress, anyone?), and badly overacted character stereotypes. It took the me three tries to make it through this movie and I still gave up about 20 minutes from the end.
Au fond des bois (2010)
What Did I Just Watch?
A filthy Hobbits repeatedly rapes a woman until she likes it. Then they go on an adventure. Other things probably happened too but I stopped watching after 30 minutes. The only saving grace here is Isild Le Besco, who Isild De Based herself for this film. Honestly though, if you just wanted to see her naked -and I don't blame you- there are plenty of better films that you can watch.
The OA (2016)
Competent but misleading
Imagine, if you will, that you've just sat down to watch an adult film. In it, the cliché refrigerator repairman has just arrived at the home of a lovely yet lonely housewife. For the next six hours, they make sexy talk and hint tantalizingly of what's to come. Then at the climax (no pun intended) of the film, the repairman discovers that the housewife doesn't even live there, they do an interpretive dance, the repairman breaks the toaster, the housewife hints that maybe she does live there after all but you'll never know, and the repairman goes home.
Now people will sit here all day talking about the film's artistic merits, the dynamic between the housewife and repairman, and the haunting portrayal of a toaster caught in the middle, but I just wanted to watch a porno.
That's kind of what it felt like watching this show.