Change Your Image
jujutsuweasel
Reviews
Uncharted (2022)
Just glad I didn't watch it in the theater
I mean, I would have really been angry at myself for paying for it if I had. There wasn't a single performance throughout this entire exercise and mediocrity that wasn't incredibly forced. Major jumps and logic and reason that led to useless traps and silly narratives.
The Lincoln Lawyer (2022)
It's a show. You can watch it.
I've watched worse things. It's nothing special, but it's nothing horrible. The acting is terribly forced and the screenwriters definitely didn't earn their pay. There is nothing clever or exciting, there is no moment of profound discovery. It's just a clic
This show tries really hard to make you care about the characters, but it really is hard to give a dang. They're all forced and everyone is a plastic version of a person. But, I've spent worse time doing other things.
No Name & Dynamite (2022)
I don't know what this nonsense was...
This has to have been one of the most confusing experiences of my recent life. I know it's supposed to be some kind of Western, but not really. It's got no plot. It makes no sense. It's not funny. It's not arty.
It killed a number of my brain cells and I don't think Amazon will give me $5 back for what I wasted on it.
Without Remorse (2021)
Tom Clancy had nothing to do with this atrocity
Within the first 10 minutes I realized that this movie was an atrocity of filmmaking. I mean, I why wouldn't we steal the title from an actual good book and turn it in to a movie that should never have happened? To call this cliche would have been a compliment, but no cliche was left unturned. I don't have a lot of compliments for this ludicrous edition. Storytelling is gone. Has any Amazon movie employee ever actually read a book or are they just playing Call of Duty and trying to turn it into a movie? No talent was used in the making of this movie.
Guns Akimbo (2019)
Why is this movie allowed to breathe the same air as everyone else?
It was pretty awful. There were a couple of moments where it was almost entertaining, but those quickly escaped. For the most part, there were guns. Pretty much, that's it.
The Old Guard (2020)
I am Connor McLeod of the clan McLeod and I am not in this movie
It's about a Netflix five. Not a waste of time but not an investment of time. Some entertaining fight choreography, though completely unrealistic, and some fun gun fight stuff. No real plot, but that's not necessary anymore. Grab a beer and it's not that bad.
Ultimate Justice (2017)
This might be just what you're looking for
This movie was so incredibly awful. It harkened back to the days of '80s martial arts movies, full of unrealistic and anatomically impossible combat movements that defy logic. Hardenned warriors with pistols fight heavily armed and armored enemies through superior skill and something that would never pass for tactics. This is like Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude of old.
In short, it was so terrible that it is a thing of beauty. If you believed that the American Ninja was a real ninja, this movie's for you.
It Came from the Desert (2017)
Godawful, horrible, and awesome
This may be one of the worst movies to be made available to the general public. It is the definition of cheesy, the plot has several holes, and the characters are completely undeveloped.
This movie is everything the world needs right now. Doesn't require any brain power, doesn't take any thought. Just sit back and have a good time.
Daybreak (2019)
I don't know what it was but I think I liked it
Well, I watched this on accident and was really confused. Then I was fascinated. Then I was mesmerised. I couldn't stop watching.
I have no idea what this was. Just watch it.
Deputy (2020)
Cliche in so many new ways
To call this stupid would be a compliment. The virtue signaling never stops, the political agenda is constant, and the unrealistic police work is directed like a firehose. This abomination is awful in ways that never existed before.
No need for spoilers. This thing spoiled itself.
Knives Out (2019)
Almost a decent movie
I love the old detective noir films. And this movie does not skimp on the noir. However, it does greatly skimp on plot.
Pretty much, I'm sure the writer has read a large number of mystery novels. Conversely, the writer could not write a mystery novel of comparable value.
This movie was neither clever nor intelligent. Granted, it was entertaining and fun, but it truly lacked anything but noir.
There wasn't a single character introduced, or an element, or a"clue" that I didn't understand the significance of at the moment. I kept waiting for a clever plot twist, or a mind blowing reveal, but those things never occur. in the end, I pretty much have things figured out as I had figured they would be figured out from the very beginning. I found myself growing impatient for the reveal because I just wanted to leave. I already knew how it ended.
That being said, at least there was a general attempt at a clever movie. It wasn't a rewrite of a former, more successful mystery movie (though it could be argued that it was a composite of every former, successful mystery movie). My time wasn't wasted, but neither was it well spent.
Enter the Fire (2018)
So bad that it's horrible
When I was 12 I used to love movies like this. As a matter of fact, my passion for these led me to discover the real martial arts. This movie is so reminiscient of God-awful '80s martial arts movies that I couldn't help but watch it.
nobody come back, nobody can fight, and nobody can write a plot. That's exactly the movies I was obsessed with when I was a kid. Let's just call it a walk down memory lane.
I would warn about spoilers, but this movie can't contain spoilers. It doesn't have a plot to spoil.
Arsenal (2017)
This is where movies go to die
And careers, too. There is no redeeming quality to this movie.
Robin Hood (2018)
To call it contrived would be an insult to contrivances
I really don't know why this movie exists. You can tell I'm not being paid and that I'm not 12 because I refuse to give it more than a five star rating Anybody choosing to rate this anywhere above that level is obviously on the payroll, or hasn't hit puberty yet.
This is a purly mishmashed conglomeration of contrivances and cliches, loosely based on some version of Robin Hood that I never managed to get a hold of. what does it describe predator to lazy to actually figure out what Robin Hood was.
Now, I don't mind a stupid script if there's some cool action and special effects. This movie had none of those. The fight scenes are stupid, choreography practice probably lasted about 10 minutes per scene. I guess it's cool that this version of Robin Hood's really awesome with a bow and can hold more than one arrow at a time (that one was already done by Kevin Costner), but that's pretty much what everything's based on.
I watched it on an airplane with a 6-year-old talking in my ear the whole time. That's about all this movie was good for.
Shazam! (2019)
If early afternoon Nickelodeon crashed into DC comics, this is what you get
It's almost as if the producers of this movie could decide of their children's movie or adult movie. Instead, they just figured they would target the juvenile population and try to scare the hell out of them.
Toss in a few scary monsters, some inappropriate language, clumsy references to strip clubs and alcohol. What pre-adoleslent would love this?
At Best this movie is an abomination of the comics and an abomination to confused script writing. They were a few moments to levity and even a couple moments of cleverness, but for the most part this movie could not make up its mind.
There's a reason DC will never catch up to Marvel, and this movie is a demonstration as to why.
Bumblebee (2018)
Leave no cliche unturned
Have a 6-year-old really wanted to see this, and that seems appropriate because I'm pretty sure the scriptures written in crayon. An unceasing parade of non-stop cliches that substituted for actual plots. There is even a great moment when somebody chamber around into a firearm and said "we are going to Texas." Bumbling soldiers, incompetent cops, ludicrously unsecure top secret locations... this movie had absolutely everything that you've already seen! And, thank God, it made extra effort to be completely woke.
had a great soundtrack, though. Has her matter of fact, they should have just released the playlist without the movie.
The Rookie (2018)
I can't stop watching, but not for a good reason
The show is beyond ridiculous. I love Nathan, but this is an absolute travesty. I actually became a cop in my forties and it was nothing like this. I feel like I was cheated. It's not just the technical aspects of the show that are hung, it's the forced "acting" inbounding series of cliches that the viewers assaulted with every few minutes.