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Ghost Rider (2007)
Flaming skull with throat cancer: THE MOVIE
The very idea of GHOST RIDER is awesome... a guy with a flaming skull who rides a motorcycle and chain-rapes bad guys...AWESOME. I remember watching some superhero cartoon back in the day (I think it was THE HULK) and it had like 3 episodes with Ghost Rider on it and they were AWESOME! Everything about Ghost Rider is AWESOME, and with that in mind how could this movie be anything but AWESOME? Well...they have found a way.
Now I like Nick Cage, CON AIR, THE ROCK, FACE/OFF, RAISING ARIZONA...all classics. So Mr. Cage I ask you... WHAT THE F*CK! OK OK maybe that is a bit TOO harsh since the movie is not THAT bad... but it is a GHOST RIDER movie that is NOT AWESOME...and that is just unacceptable. What we have here is a 2 hour movie that feels like it's 3 hours of bad acting, bad writing, and a very uneventful story that never really goes anywhere. Now this was written and directed by the same guy who made DAREDEVIL which, while flawed, I enjoyed...but he also made ELEKTRA, which makes me vomit just thinking about...my keyboard is now covered in vomit due to me having to type about it...oh my god I am still thinking about it and still vomiting, oh man I need to think about something else...pie...yeah pie is good...I like apple...whew...OK back to this POS. So the story for those of you who don't know is as follows:
*Nick Cage is a Dardevil doing stunts in a carnival *His dad gets cancer *He sells his soul to make his dad better *His dad gets better but then dies in a bike crash *Cage is like "WTF satin why you gotta be a dick?" *Later in life Cage gets called upon to the "RIDER" which...I guess catches souls or some sh!t *Cage is all like "you know what this gig is whack" *He fights the devil *Oh and there is some stupid subplot with Wes Bently acting poorly (I guess because he has been so great in other things he decided "I don't need to try I'll just do the scenes and go jerk off"
So the movie is a mess...but it has some good: *The look of the movie is pretty sweet, as is the look of Ghost Rider himself when he is not talking because when he does he sounds like he has throat cancer *Eva Mendez...she so fine *Cage is not BAD in the role and he is clearly a fan of the material and WANTS it to do well...not that that helps the movie but I can see the intention was there
So overall it is not the worst comic book movie ever...that would be Elektra (I am now swimming in vomit) and it is not a movie that will scar you for life...but it did turn Ghost Rider Lame...which is just not cool man...not cool at all. I give it a D+....skip it
Rest Stop (2006)
Could have been so much more, but as it stands..it's alright
DUE TO IMDb.com's stupid censorship I will replace dirty words with more "family friendly" words... you know since only people under the age of 13 use the internet and go on the IMDb page for REST STOP...
In this first movie from RAW FEED (I am sure no one gives a "POOP" what that is but they say it in all the ad campaigns and on the back of the box so I am saying it here...do something about it) a dumb"BUTT" woman and her dumb"BUTT" boyfriend run away from home to be stars in Hollywood....I guess. So anyway the aforementioned dumb"BUTT" woman has to pee and since she is a lady (we know this due to a random sex scene that was thrown in there just because...although it does lead to a creepy moment later on...I guess) she does not want to urinate in the big toilet that is the forest...and so she would rather go to a disgusting rundown rest stop. As she is peeing her boyfriend is taken and so Liam Neeson flies to Paris to get him back killing every mother"SEXER" in his way...oh wait no thats a much better movie... oh right this is the one where a girls boyfriend gets kidnapped and then a lot of weird "POOP" goes down as a guy in a truck tries to like...kill her.....I guess...anyway on to the movie.
The first 10 or 15 minutes of this movie are awful. The acting is awful, the writing is awful, it's just a big bowl of awfulness. However, as soon as the plot actually starts, the movie becomes somewhat interesting. Sure the acting is still not great(with the exception of Joey Lawrence who gives a pretty good performance and makes you wish he was the star) and neither is the writing, but both are passable and don't grind on your nerves too much. The movie does a lot of things wrong, this is true but it also does a few things right that held my interest and make me want to see the sequel. If I had to compare it to something, I would compare it to a very violent 80 minute episode of TWILIGHT ZONE and/or OUTER LIMITS and/or NIGHT VISIONS (which ironically did an episode that took place at a rest stop...that was a good episode...watch that instead) and that is not really a bad thing. Overall I would say that it is a mediocre movie that does not deserve ALL of the hate it gets...although some of it is just awful.
Street Kings (2008)
One of the best this year
Keanu Reeves is at the top of his game playing a semi-corrupt cop in a squad of corrupt cops who operate in the L.A.P.D. Reeves old partner is murdered in a gangland style assassination while Reeves is present. One thing leads to another and Reeves it out chasing the guys who did it. However, it is not that simple, something bigger is at work so Reeves and Chris Evans team up to find out the who and the what. All the actors do a great job, the story moves along very well, the action is very well done, real, and gritty. The Supporting cast of Forrest Whitaker, Hugh Lourie (spelled that wrong I think), Cedric the Entertainer, Jay Moore, Common and others are excellent.
It is a shame that the only advertising I have seen for this is on the internet....but since it is #2 at the box-office, I guess that worked out just fine. Anyway, great movie.....really great movie.
Recommended to-- Fans of Shows like The Shield and movies like Dark Blue, Harsh Times, Training day, fans of Keanu Reeves, Forrest Whitaker, Chris Evans, and this genre in general Not Recommended to-- Jackasses, fans of crappy movies, Blind People, Al Sharpton....and people who don't like cop movies
**Side note** this comment was deleted because of "abuse"..... I have not changed anything.... so if instead of flipping out and complaining to the administrators can you just tell me what you find "Abusive" about this review...
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
A good addition to the series....but some complaints
Indiana Jones is the coolest character in movies....ever....no question. The first 3 movies are all amazing and timeless so this one had really big shoes to fill.....did it? Well....yeah.....sorta.....
THE GOOD: Harrison Ford still kicks ass at 65....if his hair wasn't gray you would think he hadn't aged a bit.
Shia Lebuf is awesome as well and he will probably get a lot of hate from people just because....well people are dumb
Action Scenes were really great and epic....sometimes ridiculous but who cares?
The story was also a high point as always. Really interesting and easy to follow.
THE BAD: The CGI....whatever happened to what Spielberg said about LIMITING the use of CGI? I *BEEP* HATE CGI.....almost always, CGI hurts movies rather than helps them and although most of the CGI was good....some is downright awful....like really bad.....like it is dumbfounding.
Actually that is really the only thing I can think of worth mentioning thats bad about this movie...for real...I mean you could complain it is UNREALISTIC in which case I would call you a moron and tell you to stop watching movies because movies are not supposed to be realistic....but whatever
BOTTOM LINE: A great movie....yeah the other 3 are better but still, this one is great entertainment for everyone who does not have a stick firmly lodged in their ass.
Forgive Me Father (2001)
well....
I bought this movie in the $1 bin at Walmart because I thought it was called "IVAN ROGERS IS ON FIRE" and it made me laugh. Then I found out it was just called "ON FIRE" starring Ivan Rogers. Well anyway I popped it in and started to watch it and actually kinda got into it. I mean the story isn't original or anything but for some reason I watched all of it which I didn't expect to do (since I bought it for the title). But is it a good movie? Well.....lets take a look.
The movie suffers from 3 main problems:
#1. The acting ranges from awful to over the top with the exception of a few. #2. The movie has things in it that I am sure sounded cool on paper....but they are not when you see them I.E. every time Rogers kills someone the light shines on just his eyes. #3. Too many drawn out scenes. The movie clocks in at about 2 hours and 10 minutes....there is also a 2 minute scene of him feeling a gun.....no joke....just him....feeling a gun and there are a few more scenes like that to.
However, that said, I have seen much much worse movies in which I payed over 1 dollar for so in that respect...I will give ON FIRE a solid "C". Not really that bad or good, but somewhat entertaining.
Hard Ball (2001)
Great
Keanu Reeves has taken a lot....and I do mean A lot of doo-doo (imdb has dumb censorship rules so I can't say a certain word that rhymes with bit) for his acting. And with his performance in Jonny Mnemonic I can see why but I think people often forget that, when given the right role, he can be great. Speed, A Scanner Darkly and of course The Matrix are prime examples of how Keanu can really be a great actor. And with out a doubt, Harball proves this once again.
The story of Hardball sounds like a generic sports movie and listening to the plot on paper makes it sound like Mighty Ducks with baseball. However, while the story may not be the most original thing, the approach is what makes Hardball stand out. Instead of taking the easy way out by making it a family comedy where the team comes together to win with their "used to be a douche-bag coach", Hardball is a surprisingly powerful drama. Keanu is very good as a gambler who excepts a job coaching inner-city kids on a baseball team to help pay a debt he owes. Along the way he realizes he is kind of an A-hole and not really going anywhere but down and really starts to enjoy the kids. The movie takes itself pretty seriously which works really well. Diane Lane is the obligatory love interest and does a great job as always. All of the kids on the Baseball team turn in great performances as well but it is really Keanu that steals the show. He really shines in a speech he gives near the end at a funeral and wow....I never cry during a movie....and still have not....but I was pretty close during that scene. How he didn't get at least nominated for an Oscar for that is further proof that the people who choose the nominations are idiots.
So overall....a well done Drama with a great performance by Reeves and all involved. Check it out.
My grade A-
AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)
I don't get you people....
A lot of criticism has been thrown at this movie for no good reason....for example...
People say the movie differed from the Alien and Predator mythology.....how exactly? The aliens and predators did all the same things in the original alien/predator movies. I really don't see anything worth complaining about.
Another thing is that the characters were not developed and no one cares about them. I could not disagree more. Most of the characters were far more interesting than the standard horror/sci-fi/action movie characters.
People say the acting was bad...um what? The acting was good. I really think this is something people just throw out there to try and seem like they know what they are talking about.
People say there was not enough story and all it was was monsters fighting.....do I really need to explain why that criticism is moronic? Well apparently I do....THE MOVIE IS CALLED ALIENS V.S. PREDATOR.......for those of you who have not caught on, that implies that the movie is about alien races killing each other....and that is exactly what the movie is.
Final thought: I enjoyed it a lot and can't see why a lot of people are not. It was better than the first, it was exciting, it was fun, in fact I can't really think of a time in the movie that I wasn't enjoying what I was watching...and in the end...isn't that why we watch movies in the first place?
Double Dragon (1994)
I like it...sue me
First off lets talk about what the Double Dragon movie is not. It is NOT a serious movie. It is NOT supposed to be some big deep, thought provoking movie. It is NOT at all a bad movie.
Now this movie was obviously made to get fans of the game in the theater regardless of whether or not it was good. However I think people dismissed it after the first few scenes which I feel is unjust. The movie itself does not really follow the story of the game....which is good because the plot of the game was pretty thin (not that this one is complex or anything....but it works). The movie is however what it should be....a buddy action/COMEDY. Thats right people you read that right I said comedy. And no this isn't one of those so-bad-it's-funny movies....the movie actually attempts to be funny and in my opinion....succeeds. Now some of the action is just awesome.....yet other scenes remind you that the studio just wanted a movie as quick as possible. Some scenes get a bit to....how do I say this....Home Alone....or 3 ninjas-type. In other words, when there could easily be a martial arts battle (and given the fact that this is double dragon people expect it) sometimes they just do things like knock over a barrel of balls for the bad guys to trip on three stooges style. Sometimes it can be somewhat funny but for the most part it isn't really needed. The acting for the most part isn't bad....I mean you got Mark "needs to be more appreciated" Dacoscos, Scott "I was on some dumb show but now I can kick a bit of ass" Wolf and Robert "I was the T-1000 bitch" Patrick. All 3 leads know how to act and do a good job with what they are given. Now lets talk about the script/story. It is corny, Cheezy, and at times dumb....but it really works for the movie. It really feels like a comic book on screen or even...(gasp) a video game! Overall, double Dragon suffers the same fate the super Mario Bros movie did....in making it a comedy and a bit different from the game people responded with hate....unjust hate....let me put it to you this way...If you changed the names of the characters so that they are not directly from Double Dragon....and people saw it without thinking about the game...it would be much better received. The IMDb score would be at LEAST a 5.4, and that is something I am sure of.
Scoring: Acting:7.8 Action:8 Story:8 Script:7 Overall:7.5
Summary: Double Dragon joins many video game movies that are universally hated for not being a direct carbon copy of the game. However it is a fun, enjoyable adventure/comedy that will most likely entertain kids and adults who want to have a fun 90 minutes. I recommend it as long as you are not a jackass.
In Hell (2003)
More than a standard Van Damme movie
Jean-Claude Van-Damme's career is not what it used to be....no argument there, he hasn't had an American theatrical release since the 90's I think. However, fans of his like me never lost track of him...however...in 2001 he released a HUGE piece of dung (gotta censor it for IMDb) called Derailed that pretty much made me stop caring. Then, at a stores going out of business sale I found In Hell for around $2 so being that I was still a Van Damme fan at heart I bought it.
Now the first thing you must know about In Hell is that it is NOT I repeat is NOT at all like Van Dammes 90's efforts. One other thing you need to know is that Van Damme is not just a decent actor in this movie....nor a good actor...he is a GREAT actor. His performance is definitely his best to date. He plays a very depressing role and he really sinks his teeth into it pulling off emotional scenes extremely well. Now I always thought his acting was underrated, especially in movies like Lionheart and Maximum Risk, but this takes it to a whole new level.
Now about the fight scenes...they are not stylized showcases of martial arts like a lot of people will expect. While Van Damme still does his trademark moves...the majority of the fights are brutal, down and dirty street fighting type stuff and it works extremely well.
The story is that Van Dammes wife is raped and murdered minutes before he gets home, he fights the rapist and the police shows up and takes him into custody. At the trial, the rapist is set free, Van Damme, mad as can be expected, guns him down in front of the court house. For this he goes to a maximum security prison where the Warden is corrupt (not very original but it works) and he has the inmates fight so he and his Buddy's can bet. Van Damme is forced to participate in this. Later on though he becomes sort of psychotic and starts destroying people during the fights. He then realizes what he has become and tries to change and protests the fight. As the Warden grows angry the prisoners get behind Van Damme and plan for a riot.
The climax of the movies takes place during that very riot and I won't give it away but...wow. It really is a brutal and exciting ending to an already great movie.
P.S. The character 451 is great. He is Van Dammes cell mate and narrator of the story. A great performance and a great character.
Acting in general-9 Van Dammes acting-10 Action-10 Writing-9 Story-8 Ending-10
Overall: My favorite Van Damme movie...well written....well acted....brutal action...all put into a movie that will never get the proper attention and praise it deserves....and that is a shame really.
BloodRayne (2005)
Not as bad as you have been told...but still not good
It is widely known that director Uwe Boll does not have the best track record around. House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark remain two of the worst video game adaptations around, as well as just plain bad movies. I, like everyone else had no faith in Uwe Boll and never really cared to see Bloodrayne. However, after seeing footage from Postal and hearing star Zack Ward talk favorably about it, and the fact that Bloodrayne 2 got better than average reviews (for a Boll film) I decided to give this one a shot. You probably have noticed the very low rating on here and let me enlighten you......ignore it. Ignore it because that rating is based on people hating Boll and rating it very low before it comes out. That said...on with the review
The movie doesn't follow the game very well which never bothered me but fans of the game may be disappointed to find that the movie acts more as a prequel then anything. Kristana Loken is actually pretty good as the lead as are her co-stars Michael Madsen, Will Sanderson(who needs to be a bigger star by the way), and Michell Rodreigaz. Ben Kingsly and Billy Zane are also in the movie but for limited screen time. The direction is still kinda sloppy but it is an improvement over Bolls other work. The action is....well it varies. Sometimes I was thinking "wow that was kinda cool" and other times the fights are slow and poorly choreographed. But here is the movies major weak point...the plot. It is never really explained all that well and I really didn't get involved in it very much....it was just sort of there. The ending battle is done fairly well and actually has a few things you don't see coming but I won't spoil it. The movie is really just a mediocre time waster but the fact that Bolls name is on it tends to make people hate it way more than is needed, which is sad because, Boll really is getting better as a director, but if people keep prejudging his movies he will slowly fade away....and I am sure thats what a lot of people want but some of us see that he has potential...food for thought.
Gradeing (out of 10)
Acting: 6.0 Action: 5 Plot:4 Characters:4 Writing/script:4 Ending:7 Overall:5.8 ( Please note this isn't on the IMDb scale where a 6.0 is really good....this is on mine....6.0 is the same as a D....so this gets like a low low D)
SUMMARY: A time waster. Some fun moments...some awful moments but overall a passable video game adaptation that proves that Boll is slowly but surely getting better. Decent acting and action....nothing special.....but not bad....but not good.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
overlong and over-hyped to the max
The Lord Of the Rings series was something I was never really into. I like fantasy, action, drama, and all that stuff but to me they were a bit monotonous and clichéd. That said I enjoyed the first two especially the second one but I had no big interest to see this one. My neighbor however insisted that it was a crime against nature to have never seen it so I borrowed it from him. With in the first half hour or so I shut it off. I was in disbelief that this could possibly be the movie so many were raving about. I then heard it gets much better, so I put it back in and started to watch it where I left off. The amount of overacting is just astounding...from Viggo to Bloom, everyone seemed to be trying way to hard. The action scenes were not great either. Just because they are big does not mean they are good. I saw so many awkward battles and terrible reactions to CGI enemys....ugh. ANd then there is the ending that is complained about even by fans. It dragged on and on as if to say "we know you have to pee but instead here is some crap to make you think we are artistic by showing 300 different endings". Really, I feel that a lot of the appeal of this movie comes from Dungeons and Dragons type people who think anything Peter Jackson makes, and anything Tolken writes is immediately gold....it is not.
Summary Acting-5/10 Story-3/10 Action Scenes-3/10 Paceing-1/10 Dirrection-6/10 Ending-0/10 OVERALL-3/10 do not be fooled by the die-hard fans. This movie is absolutely terrible and an extreme waste of talent for everyone involved.
Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000)
Fantastic
When I was a kid growing up in the 90's, Batman:The Animated Serries was where it was at. It was action packed with great characters and lots of things to make toys after. Fast forward a few years to Batman Beyond. It wasn't as popular with all my friends as it was for me but I didn't care. It was a great take on the future as well as Batman. So it was little surprise to me that this movie would be good...I just didn't know HOW good it would be. From the opening scene you can tell what you are in for. A beautifully animated fight scene involving Terry (the new batman) and members of a gang known as the Jokers is shown featuring some pretty cool stuff. What you will first notice is that it is much more violent than the standard episode(this of course in the uncut version which I will talk about later). Then the plot kicks in. It turns out that by some miracle, the Joker has come back. A flashback reveals that the Joker was killed about 40 years earlier so the movie begs the questions Why is he here? What does he want? How is he still alive? And how does Terry stop him? All of these questions are answered in a 77 minute non-stop action movie that should be able to keep both kids and adults entertained. Will Fridel as Terry and Mark Hamill as the Joker, are at the top of their game. The scenes they share are fantastic. The animation is not as great as I would have liked but its a DTV movie and in spite of that it rises to the occasion with good animation....just not great. The soundtrack fits each scene by amplifying the mood. The Dark tone gives it a more mature edge and the fact that people actually are shown dying proves the movie has balls. Too bad the higher-ups had to castrate it by releasing a cut PG version since they freaked out and thought they would get angry letters and protests. But alas, the UNCUT version is available on DVD and it is great. Pick it up (usualy pretty cheap) and have an awesome time...but make sure you get the UNCUT version and not the PG one.
Summary: ANIMATION-7/10 VOICE ACTING-10/10 SOUNDTRACK-9/10 ACTION SCENES-9/10 PLOT-10/10 ENDING-9/10 OVERALL-9/10
2001 Maniacs (2005)
Splatstick indeed
Before this review gets started I would just like to say...It is very late and I suck at spelling...so there are probably many errors...just ignore them, thanks.
Horror as a genre has been very clichéd in the past couple of years. It all started when film makers decided to remake Asian horror. Now this was good for a while but with this became the same thing over and over again. Then with the success of the terrific "SAW", Filmmakers thought all we wanted to see was lots of blood and possibly self mutilation in the same type of dirty setting. At least thats what has happens in the big theaters. Now the realm of small low-budget horror films that get limited or no theatrical play seems to have more variety these days. This is only proved more so by "2001 Maniacs". Yes it is pretty much a remake of the 1960's classic "2000 Maniacs" yet the movie has so much originality, so many entertaining bits, and so many redeeming qualities that it could stand on its own. The movie starts off as sort of a 1980's teen movie such as "Porkys" yet quickly turns into a more Texas chainsaw style thing while still keeping a sense of humor. This allows the movie to mix hilarious satire with purposefully horrid racial stereotypes to create one of the greatest horror movies of the year if not ever. Robert "Freddy Kruger" England gives off a great performance as another memorable character...of course with England that is like saying water is wet. His great characterization is only heightened by first-time directer Tim Sullivens great direction. Newcomer Jay Gillseppi plays a great lead character as he trys to outwit the maniacs in the second half(or so) of the movie. The cinematography is also worth noting. It is a very well shot film. The scenery also is great considering it is actual civil war territory. Basicaly the film is great and entertaining on all bases. For the gore-hounds...Oh boy is there gore aplenty. Organs plop on the floor, heads are cut off, people are speared, and even crushed. The movie truly is an instant cult classic and will be talked about for many years to come. To make a long story short...I enjoyed this movie to its fullest, I enjoyed every bloody moment, every dirty joke, every bad stereotype, every excellent camera shot, and every time I felt the movie was giving the middle finger to stuck up film critics and audiences who think that violence in cinema is a bad thing. So to Mr. Sulliven, the cast and crew...job well done...and to all a good night...