ianlouisiana Reviews

The Cuckoo (2024)

'Do you want it good or do you want it Wednesday?'

[3/10 · 14 April 2024]

Well,ITV obviously wanted it Wednesday,because 'Cuckoo' looks to be a hurriedly assembled mish -mash of cliches and stereotypes that have become over - familiar to anyone who has watched tv drama over the last 20 years.

They say Ira Gershwin used to write his lyrics on the back of a matchbox,he could have written 'I got rhythm' ,the Old Testament and still found room for ''Cuckoo' before he ran out of space.

Mr L Ingleby has played unhappy screwed - over blokes since he was the severely miserable sidekick to Chief Inspector George Gently. He just doesn't 'get' women,does he?

Mind you'with Miss Halfpenny at her sublimely dotty best he is a bit up against it.

Miss Goose scowls a lot and don't blame her,having to make some sort of sense out of the dialogue she has been given.

In a year that has seen 'Boat Story' and season 2 of 'The Tourist' much can be forgiven,but 'Cuckoo' is tv pushing its luck.

'

Breathtaking (II) (2024)

Dr Abbey's journey to the heart of darkness.

[9/10 · 27 February 2024]

During the pandemic I watched a news item broadcast from the London Hospital where a young doctor I had known a few years earlier as a bright idealistic medical student changed into premature middle age with the thousand yard stare of a person who has seen too much death and suffering for two lifetimes.

Faced with the biggest health emergency in its history,the NHS was like a rabbit in the headlights. As in so many public institutions it comprises of too many chiefs and not enough Indians.

Tragically if predictably this monolithic organisation froze from the top down,leaving its frontline workers to fend for themselves.

'Breathtaking' tells of the frustrations and disasters suffered by the doctors and nurses and patients as the disease took its toll on the unsuspecting population.

There is no 'acting',no egos are on view.

This is stripped - down semi - documentary TV production at its best.

One hundred thousand people died,countless others suffered pain and bereavement.

'Breattaking tells it as it was.

He Horror. The Horror.

Silent Witness (1996– )

Do Not Resuscitate....

[3/10 · 13 February 2024]

This series should have been allowed to pass away peacefully long ago. It is in honesty,dead but the BBC won't let it lie down. Since Miss A. Burton left it has been hanging on on life support but it has been brain dead for years.

It has provided Miss E. Fox with a comfortable pension pot for quite long enough and it is time for her to hand in her scalpel.

The core cast reflects the makers demographic obsession and little relation to real life as is so often the case.

The acting is wooden,the dialogue like something a connoisseur of cliches would swoon over.

Last night's episode centred on the discovery of a number of murder victims in a disused part of King's Cross Station.

Their mummified remains were ludicrously badly realised, like Amateur Night in a Frankenstein Monster Competition.

The usual scientific mumbo - jumbo was solemnly spouted by actors who clearly had no idea what they're talking about.

Miss H. Norris and Mr N. Pearson looked slightly embarrassed but gamely carried on although gradual realisation of the gap in class was visibly apparent.

I should think they were jolly glad o get back home afterwards and have a stiff drink.

I hadn't watched the show for 2 or 3 years and although a few faces have been changed it blunders on regardless.

Time of the BBC to call 'Dignitas'.

Here We Go (2020– )

stupid men,smart sassy women,plus ca change....

[5/10 · 10 February 2024]

Men are certifiable morons(and if there ae any certifiable morons I might have offended I apologise profusely) and women are smart,sassy perceptive empathetic(fill in your own female virtue and if I have omitted your particular favourite please feel free to cancel me.

Miss K. Parkinson(arguably our finest tv comedienne(ok so definitely cancel me) is far too good for this box-ticking extravaganza and she is the only reason I sat through the whole second season. Well,that plus the forlorn hope that it might improve with maturity - for want of a better word.

MIss A. Steadman sails through as if she was on her own show like a killer whale through a shoal of sprats.

She shows no mercy to the other performers who must be laughing up their collective sleeves thinking about the amount of old rope they are giving for their money.

There may well be a third series - but I don't have to believe it if I don't want to.

My review is too short? Surely not...

Boat Story (2023– )

'Any more for The Skylark?...

[9/10 · 12 December 2023]

....like one of those Donald McGill postcards beloved of holidaymakers in between the wars England,'Boat Story' is cheeky,irreverent, and funny.

Think a visualised Max Miller,,wide - eyed and faux naif.

There is no evidence that anybody involved is taking it remotely seriously and the comic book violence is so ridiculously over the top as to actually offend only those whose ambition is to be offended from the safety of their sofas.

A sly voice - over lets us in on the gag early on - this is a comedy,friends. You may laugh freely.

Excellent performances all round and kudos to Liam from 'Benidorm' for his turn as a psycho drug dealer - very convincing dear boy.

Plot familiar to readers of Cormac McCarthy and lovers of Fred C. Dobbs.

Proof that somewhere in Wogan Towers a spirit of anrchy still exists.

Blindspot (2023– )

The Sighing Game.It's all too much for Mr R.Kemp........

[2/10 · 6 August 2023]

He sighs before he speaks,he sighs after he speaks,he sighs because frankly he finds himself stuck with dialogue that would defeat a lesser man but he gamely carries on probably hoping we'll all move along please - nothing to see here .

'Blindspot'marks an inauspicioius ( to put it politely )return to the boards for Mr Kemp and his two expressions - menacing scowl and not quite so menacing scowl.

The Danny Dyer of his day,he too has tried his hand at various roles as a presenter and game show host with some persistence if not success.

He is guilty here of an error of judgement Never since I saw an American college students 'production of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' at Cambridge have I seen such a comprehensive display of awful acting.

Nobody escapes this charge.

There is not a single sympathetic character,the dialogue is dire.

The plot - if I may use such a word in this context - is space cadet stuff.

As Jerry Lewis once said about one of his films_ 'They should of cut it up for mandolin picks'.

Colin from Accounts (2022– )

Driven to near - extinction,'The Bloke' clings on in Australia...

[10/10 · 19 April 2023]

...treasure him because when he's gone - he's gone.

David Attenborough should do a documentary about this threatened species restricted now to a few habitats in the English - Speaking world.

Homo Amiabilis is drowning under a sea of 'isms' none of which are of his own making.

As usual in TV he is mocked in ''Colin from Accounts' but fights back gamely and holds his corner in a world where he is apparently de trop and antediluvian.

We al know he's never going to win,but hey,he's giving it the Old College Try.

Distracted by flash of female breast,he runs over a dog.

He and the flasher take the dog to the vet who turns out to be a former girl - friend who charges a distinctly unfriendly 12,000 bucks to fix it.

This is the pitch.

The glory of 'Colin from Accounts' is in the details.

Aimed somewhere between 'Men Behaving Badly' and 'Green Wing' it's sure to offend those who spend their lives being offended,but it's rude,crude and bloody funny.

Redemption (I) (2022)

An exercise in Box - Ticking.

[3/10 · 30 March 2023]

And don't even bother to explain how a copper can be employed by a UK Police force one day and and a foreign one the next.

Here the Garda are shown as a rainbow nation LBGTQ+ inclusive organisation that they surely are not.

Is this just wishful thinking by the programme makers?

Life,I'm afraid just isn't like this,and wishing won't make it so.

If you're a D. I with 30 years' service under your belt you're going to hit the hills yodelling, not carry on grumping.

If your daughter you haven't seen fpr 20 years dies in a foreign country you're not going to charge over there like a bull at a gate and be permitted to get involved in the investigation.

Two grandchildren you never knew you had?

One's going to identify as gay of course and the other might well be somewhere on the spectrum with a deeply unsuitable boyfriend.

People are suspicious of you? There's a surprise.

You're English - this is Ireland. What do you expect?

To be decked with flowers?

Predictable early 21st century drama writing by the numbers.

Nothing to see here - try something on Catch - Up.

Harry Wild (2022– )

Goodness me,why is this woman doing so much shouting?

[3/10 · 30 March 2023]

Is it because she wants to get rid of the dialogue as quickly as she can and move onto the next page ?Is she being paid - a bit like Brian Blessed - per decibel?

Is she a 'Strong Woman' as has been suggested,or merely a loud irritating one?

Well,you'll have to make up your own mind about that.

Ms Seymour gives a Master Class in over - acting that unfortunately does not hide the paucity of ideas flowing - if that's the word - from the writers pens.

Absolutely no subtlety is on display - I mean an Irish Pub with overtly Irish customers and street signs on the wall in Dublin?

It's all bit de trop don't you think?

If you have an appetite for Stage Irish people getting themselves into a tiswas and relying on a former University Eng Lit Lecturer to get them out of it(a leetle bit too Colonial for me) this may suit you.

No cliche is left undisturbed in 'Harry Wild' no characters are in the least bit believable,and unless you are in fact,hard of hearing,I'd advise keeping the remote handy.

Desperate Measures (2022)

Amanda Abbington is far too good for this nonsense...

[4/10 · 3 March 2023]

Imagine you work in a a bank and you've got three days to plan a bank robbery to replace 25 grand your son hasn't actually stolen from a drug baron who';s watche d too many movies about drug barons before said drug baron blows him away.

'Desperate Measures' goes on a road rather too well travelled by TV drama in the last few years and adds nothing to the genre apart from some dodgy moral equivalence issues and some notably wooden acting.

Not even the splendid Ms Abbington can make her character believable I'm afraid and when her ex and her dad turn a hand to help her out credulity is even further strained.

Around five thousand banks have been closed since 2015.

If they're all run like this one I'm not on the least surprised.

Beyond Paradise (2023– )

Do contact this man's village and tell them their idiot's been found

[2/10 · 3 March 2023]

They can take him back and relieve us of the horror of watching any more episodes of this sub - sub undergraduate humour with a sniggering buffoon and his educationally challenged acolytes and their pathetic attempts to master the all - purpose RADA 'country' accent (from Cornwall to Norfolk is all grist to their mill).

I would imagine a reel of failed screen- tests for 'Doc Martin' would have set the standard apart from Miss F. Montague who at least had a brave bash at Port Wenn a few years ago .

Mr K. Marshall is now far too old to carry off his crass teenage act he just about got away on 'My Family'.

I know the Met has come in for a bit of stick lately but the likelihood of a complete cretin reaching the rank of D. I. is extremely low (unless he was a Freemason - and there is no evidence of his membership of that organisation).

His fellow officers(for want of a better word) are of a calibre that makes him appear superhuman.

If I tell you 'The Madame Blanc Mysteries' seem on a par with 'Happy Valley' in comparison you will get the idea.

The introduction of his wife's apparent miscarriage shows an appalling lack of taste and was a misjudgement of magisterial proportions.

The Gold (2023–2024)

'Yer 'avin'a tin barrff incha?'

[2/10 · 16 February 2023]

Despite what the lead detective says there was corruption,bribery and Freemasonry deeply embedded in the Brinks Mat investigation.

After Noye stabbed DC Fordham a dozen or more times with a pitchfork(imagine the force needed to do that) whilst he was allegedly being held down by two other people never convicted the Met,not surprisingly,took the job rather more seriously and being in the same Lodge as Investigating Officers no longer gave him a free pass.

The laws of libel prevent me from mentioning the DPP's office and its role in giving him a get out of jail card.

Fortunately it didn't work for him regarding his next murder.

Neither Noye,the late 'Goldfinger' nor any of the robbers were chirpy working - class heroes,merely ruthless thugs the majority of whom were never caught.

Those that were jailed were quick to broker a deal with the Filth but unfortunately for them they couldn't access their swag as the other robbers had nicked it.

I often came across men like these in my career in the Met,visited their sometimes palatial sylvan homes but never forgot their wealth and influence was bought at the cost of fear and pain for ordinary 'civilians' or 'Mugs' as they referred to them.

People like you and me.

The BBC as so often,chose to present them as they would have chosen to present themselves, victims of Thatcherism.

In truth they were fierce proponents of greed and selfishness.

Instead of producing a harsh true - life account of a deadly crime they have come up with a kind of 'Carry on Robbing'.

I knew DC Fordham from his time on C11. He has never got justice and I never thought the Met were happy with the way things played out.

'Goldfinger'upset the wrong people too often and was shot in the garden of his particular palatial mansion.

Others might wellk learn from that.

Happy Valley: Episode #3.4 (2023) Season 3, Episode 4

Gives the word 'Bleak' a whole new meaning.

[10/10 · 24 January 2023]

The 2014 series was superb television,and I thought reached an unrepeatable height.

Nearly a decade on I am happy to be proved wrong.

Mesdames Lancashire and Finneran have some hard - lived years under their belts as the sisters united but divided by the tragedies they have shared.

Sociopathic killer M J. Norton has lost none of his deranged menace and terrifying presence in the passing years.

He is a living advertisement for capital punishment though I doubt that is a 'woke' view.

Catherine's grandson (courtesy of rapist - murderer Mr. Norton) is a confused ands vulnerable adolescent targeted by a - freak teacher to be 'rescued' and rewired.

A creepy Pharmacist(Mr. A Shah) is blackmailed by local gang bosses to supply drugs. They also plan to free Mr Norton from jail presumably not to make over their garden.

Catherine herself is now on the verge of retirement - a bad day for the Yorkshire Old Bill that'll be you mark my words.

With all her knowledge and experience why isn't she a high -ranking officer? Simple - she didn't want to be.

Boots on the ground policing is what she does best.

She knows everybody on her patch - they know her.

That's how it used to be;how it should be.

Respect,Catherine - you've got it from them and you've got it from me.

Waterloo Road (2006– )

Down with skool.By N.Molesworth of St Custards(as any fule kno)

[3/10 · 24 January 2023]

When I was in 3 B at St Custards we wanted to change its name to 'The Dan Dare Space Academy'.

Me and my grate friend Pearson rote a partition and most of the 3rd form who could write their names singed it.

Even Fotherington - Thomas when he pawsed from skipping around shouting 'Hello birds - Hello sky' and being utterly wet.

He later went to Ballet School and is now discouraged from attending Old Custardian re - unions.

Me and my young brother Molesworth 2 handed it to Grimes the Headmaster who larffed out loud and caned us both unmersifully.

If this had happened at Waterloo Road we could have watched the older boys play Fives and Badminton for the rest of the hour,and other manly pursuits.

But there are gurls( chiz!) at Waterloo Road and when they aren't doing cooking and sewing and(except for those excused games) playing lacrosse they seem to be runing up and down the corridors screaming and shouting an damaging skool property.

What's wrong with setting the skool dog on them?

My pater always said'What's in a name?' which I think was in 'Hamlett' or some such. I did metalwork myself.

Fotherington - Thomas said Dan Dare was 'actually very attractive' which is why he voted for him. God knoes what he was on about.

I think if St Custards had been anything like Waterloo Road,the pater would have demanded the fees back.

The English (2022)

Reminded me of why I loved Westerns...

[10/10 · 29 November 2022]

Just about every Western director is given a nod in 'The English'.

Sumptuously shot,exquisitely paced beautifully lit,each scene meticulously worked out,even the skies are just right(see George Stephen's 'Shane').

Any doubts about whether Miss E. Blunt could carry off such a role were dismissed in the first ten minutes of episode one.

Apparently 'English'was a generic term for any pioneer who was not from American Stock so covered all European emigrants who helped to open up the West. Certainly there are many Nationalities on display.

Starting as a straightforward revenge tale 'The English' gradually becomes an elegaic tribute to the masters of the genre.

Mr C. Spencer is impressively monolithic as the former U. S. Cavalry Scout returning to his homeland after serving Uncle Sam.

Well - known British actors decorate the picture to good effect.

But the star is the Western Movie sui generis.

If this doesn't feature in next years BAFTAs I'll call in Rooster Cogburn.

Bloodlands (2021–2022)

From Tales of the Unexpected to Tales of the Expected in 2 series..

[8/10 · 16 November 2022]

Series One had some genuinely shocking moments and a splendid p*ssing contest between Mr Nesbit and Mr Cranitch in which honours were shared.

Deserted landscapes,remote farms,simmering religious hatred,everything we English like to imagine typifies our image of Northern Ireland.

P. S. N. I . Is struggling wIth the Nationalists' traditonal hatred of their predecessors. Memories are long and revenge a dish best tasted cold.

Into this toxic mix comes a reminder of past ill - doings when a prominent former I. R. A.man is kidnapped and the calling - card of a suspected assassin is found in his car.

As the first series progresses we are offered possible clues as to this person's identity.

Messrs Nesbit and Cranitch come to an uneasy armistice.

In Series Two,there are no surprises. Every development is telegraphed and the final scene a cross between 'The Treasure of the Sierra Madre' and 'The Wild Bunch'.

Scenes that might have had the power to shock merely exercises in box - ticking.

For no apparent reason an Big -Time American Drug Baron is brought into the story.

The two alpha males strain at each other again but this time around it is merely routine.

I feel the writer became tired of his own creations and rushed to the last page before shooting off to 'The Ivy'.

I have given 'Bloodlands' a cumulative 8 out of 10.

How that number is divided between the two series might be judged by this comment.

Marriage (2022)

Will clean up at the BAFTAs - a Luvvie's wet dream....

[3/10 · 18 August 2022]

Dramas like this are one of the reasons millions watch 'Love Island'.

Married couple Mr S. Bean - sporting excellent teeth - and Miss N. Walker - trying her best to be drab and dull but failing - are doing the 'Miserably Ever After' bit.

Neither of these performers is even remotely ordinary in the normal course of events so they 'Act' as if there's no tomorrow trying to convince us that they are as boring and drab as the rest of us.

They shout and swear,sulk and play up and I don't believe a word of it.

There are long Pinteresque silences,lots of opening and closing of doors and cupboards that are presumably intended to represent the shallowness of lives lived outside the Islington triangle.

We are presented with the media's view of ourselves as drones living a frankly purposeless life until we are re - invented by the 'Creatives' and put patronisingly on display as their own work.

Mike Leigh and Ken Loach are lauded for their 'grasping' of ordinary daily life for we peasants. I often wonder what one such peasant - were he or she asked - would think of their portrayal of the unwashed.

'Marriage' is preaching to the choir - careless of what the congregation might think.

Case Histories (2011–2013)

Ex soldier.Ex cop.Ex husband.Ex Father.But still tilting at windmills.

[9/10 · 8 March 2022]

My first advice to toy would be read Kate Atkinson's books. Not just the Jackson Brodie stories but the whole canon.

Like a one - woman Avengers Squad she is a fierce advocate for truth and justice. And a seeker for some meaning in the most banal of lives.

And she is also very funny. A Feminist without hating men.

With Jackson Brodie she has brought Private Eye literature into the 21st century.

No slick London ways or faux - Vegas schtick for him.

His clients are more often than not women ,real women,not the airbrushed Hollywood types who breeze into his office in a cloud of Guerlaine's'Ode' He is well - realised by Jason Isaacs as an ostensibly tough Northerner.

Viewed by his ex with amused contempt for his perceived weaknesses,he is hamstrung by his brutal childhood experiences.

Several plots intertwine and some are never satifactorily resolved.

Just like in real life.

You may wish to shave a point off my rating if you're new to Miss Atkinson's works.

Extraordinary Escapes (2021– )

Like an eager - to - please Fairy Godmother Ms Toskvig dispenses ...

[4/10 · 25 February 2022]

....largesse to her guests,all of whom squeal with delight at her jokes as if schoolgirls vying to be Teacher's Pet.

Apparently staying at premises that would cost me my annual pension for a night's B & B Ms Toskvig and her pals exchange merry banter and coy references to whatever TV series they have appeared on before moving on to the next 'Grand Design' monstrosity.

I hope they enjoy packing and unpacking suitcases.

I'm sure Miss Toskvig knows a lot about the Hanseatic League and the Battle of Sole Bay,or indeed many facts about the square on the hypoteneuse,but I'd hazard a guess that most of us wold rather just enjoy the scenery.

Charlotte Church's Dream Build (2022– )

It's her money,earned by her own talent,and her ideas shaped by her age....

[7/10 · 24 February 2022]

.....she can buck the conventional all she likes as far as I'm concerned.

She wants to open a 'Wellness Retreat'? I hope for her sake that 'Wellness' isn't just a craze for the middle classes with more money than sense.

Otherwise she might have to go back out on the road.

Though I suspect that mightn't be too bad a thing for her.

None of the other TV property mandarins put their own money where their mouth is - and for that I admire her .

She cheerfully admits she knows nothing about building and has rather artlessly,put herself completely at the mercy of 'experts' of all kinds.

'It's wonderful',she says,breathlessly at whatever the latest gimmick produces.

I hope it all ends up wonderfully and happily as individualistic as planned.

Kate Garraway: Finding Derek (2021 TV Movie)

A gross abuse of the basic human right to privacy and dignity.

[3/10 · 24 February 2022]

Some have questioned Ms Garraway's motive for allowing this programme to be made but I will assume she is but one of many who have done the wrong thing for the right reasons.

To my mind the blame for this intrusion into a very personal tragedy lies fully with ITV who,at the first sight of her husband staring vacantly at the camera,should have squashed the whole idea.

If this is television in 2022 I want none of it.

Back in the day you had to travel to Bedlam in London if you wanted to see desperately vulnerable sick people being exhibited.

In this advanced,compassionate age you can do so in the comfort of your front room.

The producers of this programme should be ashamed of themselves but are probably sitting back happily counting the money.

Sally Lindsay's Posh Sleepover (2021–2022)

subversive look at the awfulness of the mega - rich.

[7/10 · 17 February 2022]

Miss Lindsay brings her wide eyed 'I'm just a simple northern lass' faux naivety to bear on some horribly acquisitive conspicuous consumers and their sycophantic hangers - on(stylists,dresssers,perfumiers etc) who live in garish flamboyance in posh ghettos.

With the tunnel vision of the thick - skinned they constantly brag about the cost of everything but clearly know the value of nothing.

Egged on by Miss Lindsay to reach even more heights of vulgareity, the women utter names prayer - like(Victoria Beckham - yes really - Stella McCartney ,Jimmy Choo,all the vacuous preoccupations of the more money than sense brigade).

More power to Miss Lindsay's elbow before these appalling people catch on to what she is up to.

This Is Going to Hurt (2022)

Carry On Junior Registrar..........

[4/10 · 17 February 2022]

....frankly Jim Dale was more believable in the part.

Mr Wishaw is too old to convince as a junior doctor,too full of self - pity and sarcasm to have any friends or allies either at work or at home and a bully to those unfortunate enough to be put under his wing.

As the show is built around him that doesn't give it a lot of wriggle room.

The rest of the cast strive heroically (much like those they portray),but this is rather a One - Man - Band affair and that one man,sadly,can't carry it.

The book was allegedly written as a love letter to the NHS - but you'd never guess it from this.

Chloe (2022)

'The Talented Mr Ripley' re - vamped for the Social Media era...

[5/10 · 10 February 2022]

A lot of smug,arrogant,unpleasant self - absorbed people get screwed over by a superficially charming and helpful young woman who is so obviously not what she seems that their critical faculties must be called into doubt.

'Chloe' is clever - clever stuff totally torpedoed by having not a single sympathetic character in a major role.

They could all disappear up their own Tic Tocs,What's Apps or whatever and nary a one would be missed,merely replaced by a clone.

Patricia Highsmith's story of a psychopathic social climber is clearly the template for this series which might just be an example of Mr Oscar Wilde's dictum,'There is nothing so old - fashioned as being absolutely up - to -date'.

A few years down the line people may think 'were we really that obsessed by Social Media?' In my view,a soon as Vladimir Putin cuts through our arctic cables and plunges us back into the pre - digital age the happier I shall be.

The Teacher (2022–2024)

Set on revenge? First dig three graves in case the viewer loses the will to live

[3/10 · 10 February 2022]

Semi - drunk 'Inspirational' schoolteacher is accused of sexual misconduct towards a 15 year old boy.

Well,did she or didn't she?

He's a dim,graceless oaf,she's a promiscuous graceless oaf.

A complaint is made and another set of graceless oafs i.e. The Old Bill ( appallingly acted even by TV cop standards) 'investigate' and charge her.

She decides to plead guilty just in case she might have done it.

The way you would.

Suddenly the dim graceless oaf has a crisis of conscience'You weren't supposed to plead guilty',he whines.

Teacher begins to realise there might be something afoot.

It takes her two more episodes to remember reporting a teacher for inappropriate behaviour 15 years earlier and that these events might be connected.

Must try harder,teacher.

Huge suspension of disbelief is required to swallow the convoluted plot.

Or you could watch 'The Yorkshire Auction House' for more excitement.

Cheap and shoddy fare all round I'm afraid.