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colinfew
Reviews
Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Over stays its welcome
The first 2/3rds is actually enjoyable. Then it just drags and drags. The jokes get stupid and hammy. It tries to give you a bunch of emotional, tear jerky moments that just don't work. It just tries too hard. Action was fun and it looked amazing. I can't even tell you who the bad guy was or what they were fighting. Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings looked awesome though.
Divergent (2014)
Clumsy
Divergent is confusing. It has decent reviews, it looks good and seems to have all parts to be enjoyable, but it's not. It is clumsy and clunky and poorly paced. The actors are decent, but the direction is so bad they just seem confused as to what they're supposed to be doing. The director is Neil Burger. The only other movie of his I've seen is Limitless and it makes sense. That movie had the same issue. Everything looks like a big budget picture, but the flow of it all is so amateur. It's almost child like. As if he just raced around in an ADHD haze saying "and then this happens, and then this happens, and then this happens...everyone get that? Ok now action!". There's an entire hour of nothing that could just be cut right out. There's even a stupid montage of her getting good. I wanted to like this, but it's really not great. 5 is generous because I fell in love with Shailene Woodley.
American Sniper (2014)
Blatant Propaganda
I truly do not understand how anyone can watch this movie and believe a single thing in it. It tries to pass itself off as a true story. Nothing that happens is true. That is fine I guess. It's just a movie after all. The issue is the USA #1 chest pounding nonsense. If this were edited ever so slightly different, it would pass as satire. In fact, in 2022 you could probably just play it as is and call it satire. Just a truly despicable film that should not be viewed by anyone ever.
Eternals (2021)
Cinematic Vomit
Eternals is an incoherent mess that over stays its welcome. There is no pacing or structure. Just scene after scene jumping back and forth through history and the present to try develop a connection with the characters. Completely unsuccessfully. The characters are totally forgettable backed by awful performances. Barry Keoghan as Druig gave one of the worst displays in acting I've ever seen. Every time he came on screen all I could think was slurry uglier Ferris Bueller and just prayed someone would punch him.
The entire movie devolves into so much campy CGI it just looks like a cartoon. Then when you think it's finally over and they've won, there's another 20 minutes of crying and hugging and nonsense. Terrible movie.
Avatar (2009)
Looks are only skin deep
It may look cool, but underneath is an absolutely terrible movie. Avatar may be one of the worst I've ever seen. I would like to hear what a deaf person has to say about this piece of garbage. Did a child write it? I would like to write a nice, eloquent review but I'm at a loss. There's a possibility I've suffered brain damage from watching Avatar. The characters and the dialogue feel like a joke. As if someone went out of their way to see how bad they can make it and still sell. Every character is a caricature of a caricature. Like they took every trope they could find and then rammped it up to absurd. Just truly, unbelievably awful.
The Last Days of American Crime (2020)
Stupid start
So I got like 5 minutes into it and had to shut it off to check reviews. Dude gives this speech about going out of his way to find diesel fuel and drenches a dude in a tub with the gas. Then sticks a lit cigar in his mouth which causes a huge explosion. Pretty sure every single movie watcher ever is aware that a lit cigar will not ignite a pool of gas. It most certainly wouldn't spark up diesel. Right away I knew what this movie was going to be so I'm glad all the reviews told me to avoid.
The Suicide Squad (2021)
Happy surprise!
This movie is surprisingly fantastic. Much has been said about it so I want to just add my two cents about universe building in movies. From the very first scene, Suicide Squad made it clear what it was. You understand the world you are in and the rules in place, or lack there of. It then follows those defined rules throughout. Comic book movies can take many forms from gritty realism like Joker all the way to off the wall zany like we see here. As long as the movie follows it's own rules, viewers are willing to go wherever the director wants. What an absolute blast of a good time this one is.
Nightcrawler (2014)
good until it's not
The first half of Nightcrawler is incredible. Lou is a psychopath in the true sense of the word. He feels no empathy and manipulates those around him to get what he wants. What he wants is footage to sell to the news. The more disturbing the better. I was fully engrossed and uncomfortable at the same time. It is gritty and real and creepy and then it all goes down hill. He commits a bunch of very serious crimes, gets them on film and the cops simply pay him a visit. At the very least they would have brought a warrant for all of his electronics. He would for sure have been arrested for break and enter and evidence tampering. Also would have been prime suspect for the triple murder, but they just have a little 2 minute chit chat and let him go. Then the final scene just blows that out of the water. He breaks so many very serious laws I lost count. And of course he's just let go. I'm sick of movies that don't follow their own set up rules. This movie is supposed to be a very real and dirty look and a disturbed mind. Then all of a sudden it decides Lou doesn't get held to those rules because the writer couldn't come up with anything better. 4 is generous.
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)
The usual sequel pitfalls
This fails the way most sequels do. They tried to take what worked in the first and turn it up to 11. It never works. Salma Hayek screaming mother beeper and ranting about her "kitty" isn't funny or shocking, it's obnoxious. Sam is straight up phoning it in on this one. Reynolds is his usual likeable self and Banderas is pretty darn good. But tossing a bunch of big names into an absurd, vulgar mess of a story doesn't make it good. I didn't expect much of plot in terms of realism, but it has to make a little bit of sense. The entire thing hinges around a terrorist plot that isn't even remotely possible. It makes so little sense that I checked out.
Heat (1995)
So good until so stupid
1:45 of great movie. Sure it's clique but it's a heist movie and they at least were trying to keep it somewhat grounded. Pacino's over acting was even a little endearing. After that hour and 45 minutes of good it all goes to hell. These super star thieves pull a smash and grab of a bank. There's no way they'd be able to rip keys off a guy and open up a vault with millions. So they stuff that cash into duffle bags. Bags that big filled with money would weight like 200lbs. DeNiro is just tossing 2 around like it's nothing. Then somehow the detectives get on the scene first. They are sitting in a cop office somewhere, get some call and somehow make it before anyone else. They also make it there armed to the teeth and in broad day with thousands of people around get into a shoot out. And not just a shoot out, they are blasting indiscriminately everywhere. Full auto into a crowded street. One guy is letting loose with a shotty. There would be dead innocent bystanders littering the street. And of course you see one guy reload once. Like thousands of shots fired and one reload. A 30 round mag is dumped in under 3 seconds. Then we get to the best part. Dude picks up a kid as a hostage. Pacino takes aim and shoots him between the eyes. That's when I turned this piece of garbage off. Considering there's an hour left, I guess they get away? I don't know, it's not worth finishing.
The Midnight Sky (2020)
Longest 90min movie ever
This was such a bore to watch. It looked pretty and was well acted, but it just doesn't go anywhere. Every single scene had me wanting to fast forward because I knew I wouldn't miss anything. I really should have, because there is nothing to see. I love a good slow burn movie, but this isn't that. It's a no burn. And why do they insist on insulting the viewer with just terrible inaccurate science? I swear every movie like this, someone at some point says "hey guys, all the science in this movie is just rubbish. Maybe we should try for at least a bit of accuracy.". And the powers that be say "bah! Who cares? The audience are too stupid to notice.".
Shaft (2019)
All around poor.
This film is just terrible. The dialogue is painful to listen to and delivered by some of the worst acting I've seen in a long time. Jessie Usher (JJ) is awful. Granted, the character he was given to work with is pure cringe, but still, he did not help matters. Jackson was ok, but he couldn't save this mess. What kills it is how boring and predictable it is. Every scene is just movie by the numbers and had me wanting to FF because there's no reason to watch it. You've seen it all before. Oh, and I think it's time for movies to do a better job of "hacking". FBI data analyst puts his hands on a random laptop his dad stole off someone and after some furious typing and saying buzz words like "quantum", he "hacks" into some files.
Green Lantern (2011)
CGI cheese fest
It may not be quite as bas as many say, but it's still terrible. The writing is really what drags this down. You can sense an incoming awful, cringe line from a mile away and they just don't stop. Reynolds does what he can, but his charm only goes so far. The story is somehow hard to follow but at the same time super cliche. You have 2 bad guys. The little baddy is pretty much pointless and does nothing and the big baddy is (of course) a big planet devouring floating head blob with tentacles in space. So obviously this movie relies heavily on CGI. The problem is it's bad and overbearing and poorly integrated. Some directors mesh CGI well, not the case here. There are so many cuts and angles that take you out of the moment and make you think about how it was shot to hide things. Totally immersion breaking. It honestly should have just been a cartoon. It's too bad this was such a stinker because the foreshadowing of a sequel at the end would have been great.
Battle Drone (2018)
Know what you're getting into.
I wanted to rate this higher, but it just kept getting worse as it went. Battle Drone starts out with an absolute BANG. The first sequence is fantastic. This rag tag group of mercenaries infiltrating a mansion in Russia to extract an arms dealer. All around visually enjoyable action scene with nice use of slow-mo. Everything goes downhill from there. Fast. The plot is cliche and predictable, which is fine and expected. The dialogue is the same, but finds a new level of terrible. I don't even understand how someone could write some of the lines and then a director could hear them read aloud and they just went with it. Like they could have asked the dude setting up craft services to give a better line. It's full of "one liners" typical in a campy action flick, but they don't work. They don't even make sense most of the time. At one point the sniper woman shoots a drone in the head and the agent woman says "nice shot" and sniper lady replies in a super snarky tone "I know.". She took the shot from like 15 feet away. That exchange is so pointless. Those two don't even dislike one another. Which gives a bit of an excuse for the atrocious acting, but does not excuse it. This movie displays some of the worst acting I have ever seen. Every line delivered makes me cringe in embarrassment. Then there's the gun play. Bullets go through things. I know movies don't accurately portray how guns work, but in this film bullets bounce off every single surface. A thin piece of plywood is not going to protect you from anything bigger than a 22lr. Oh and dude with a stockless pistol grip 12ga shotgun just blastin away with no recoil. He'd have no teeth and a very broken nose shooting that thing. All that said. Know what you are getting into, don't think too much and just enjoy.
The Gentlemen (2019)
Please no more Ritchie
Someone needs to make Ritchie just retire already. How many times can he keep making the exact same film? There is no point in even reviewing this movie. Have you seen anything Guy Ritchie has ever done? Ok, there ya go. If not, then it will be enjoyable. His schtick was great around the turn of the millennium, but it is so played out. I do want to give a shout out to Charlie Hunnam as Ray. He gave an enjoyable performance.
Tenet (2020)
Just Terrible
Nolan thinks he's a lot smarter than he actually is. This is a mess of hot garbage. I'm not even going to bother with a proper review, but the first like 2 minutes were enough for me. This team of americans is to run in with the russians and are handed a badge from the selection of like 5 different ones. K but they all have they exact same gear? They pump gas into a random vent and everyone immediately starts passing out. That doesn't exist. Every if there were a gas that could knock people out within seconds, the bloody theatre is huge. They would need tons of the stuff. Then, my favourite stupid hollywood gun bs. Dude asks a guy for a code word and when he doesn't answer right away he charges his gun to really drive the point home. So he ran into this crazy hostage situation without loading his gun? Nolan loves to do these big grandiose idea pictures, but never bothers with any of details. I have a feeling one of his go to lines when filming is "meh, who cares? people are stupid and don't know any better."
Ava (2020)
At least try
I only made it 5 minutes but that's more than enough to realize how bad this is going to be. She shoots him through the hand from her hip without aiming. Ok. Bullet goes through his hand and through the window putting a hole in the window but doesn't shatter. Huh? Then she recocks her semi auto pistol (what for?) and shoots him again. In the torso this time which kills him instantly somehow. This time the bullet doesn't go through him as it would. Next shot she drives away and the window is intact.