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Reviews
Xane: The Vampire God (2020)
Worst film I've seen in a while
Story: 1/10
It's as if it were written by a 10yr old, juvenile vampire story that comes across like Twilight but worse.
Visuals: 2/10
Dreary, dull, amateurish. The one saving grace is the brief animated flashback sequences.
Cast: 1/10
Bland bunch of unknowns who are likely doing this to pay off their student debts
Audio: 1/10
Despite being an English speaking movie this is dubbed, I can only assume they did it because their equipment wouldn't have provided the same quality as overlaying audio later. Sadly that looks ridiculous and the voice acting is painfully bad.
X-Factor: 2/10
Vampires? Great. Worst vampires since Twilight? Absolutely.
The Verdict: 1/10
Mind numbingly bad, I cannot get over quite how. The story is pathetic, the dubbing and acting is cringe worthy and the whole thing comes across like it was written by a child and filmed by a teenager. Truly dire stuff.
House of the Dead (2003)
"Trendy" to hate
Story: 6/10
Young people stuck on an island with the undead, somewhat trite but it's passable stuff
Visuals: 6/10
The camerwork is solid, the practical effects are great but the stupid frozen rotating camera thing and bits of the video games stuck in randomly really do damage the film.
Cast: 6/10
No problems here, no worse than any other movie of its ilk
Audio: 5/10
The music is suitable, the sound work is competent.
X-Factor: 8/10
All manner of creatures, zombies and nasties make this memorable enough stuff.
The Verdict: 6/10
The sad thing with House of the Dead is it's been tarred and feathered and has become "Trendy" to hate it. Thing is it's not bad, it's certainly not at worst movie ever level and people need to get off these childish band wagons.
Dead Man Working (2013)
Was that meant to be funny?
Story: 3/10
During a recession zombies rise from their graves to seek employment, yeah so that's the plot.
Visuals: 3/10
Dark grimey and miserable, zombie effects aren't terrible but ruined by the filters.
Cast: 2/10
I assume they were friends and family of the filmmakers and had no acting background.
Audio: 4/10
Nothing noteworthy
X-Factor: 3/10
Zombies are great, beyond that nothing to report
The Verdict: 3/10
3 is higher than it deserves, it fails to be funny and the attempt at political satire is embarrassing and bias.
Kaijûtô no kessen: Gojira no musuko (1967)
Godzilla gets silly
Story: 6/10
Scientists conduct experiments on a long forgotten island but struggle to cope with the dangerous wildlife. Hardly gripping but for a Godzilla film it felt more structured.
Visuals: 6/10
Godzilla films are pretty ugly by todays standards but here they're above par for the time and the monsters look the part.
Cast: 4/10
The usual array of over acting and terrible dubs are on display as are familiar faces from previous movies confusingly in different roles.
Audio: 4/10
Terrible dub, questionable monster sound effects and recycled music.
X-Factor: 4/10
The Spyger was great and Beverly Maeda is just distractedly stunning!
The Verdict: 1/10
Sure it's even goofier than usual and the comedy is more than slightly silly but as far as Godzilla films are concerned I'd still consider this one of the better ones.
The Fear Footage 2: Curse of the Tape (2020)
Worst found footage ever?
Story: 2/10
There really isn't one, it touches upon the events of the first movie but lets be honest that barely had a plot anyway.
Visuals: 1/10
Standard ugly found footage format but with an ultra low budget and trying things they just couldn't pull off well.
Cast: 1/10
Alike the first film Umberger doesn't even have the decency to have the films cast on and to be fair I wouldn't want to be connected to this mess either.
Audio: 2/10
Scratchy quality, worse than before.
X-Factor: 3/10
Very little going for it in this regard and everything is so dark you can't see anyway.
The Verdict: 1/10
Actually manages to be worse than the first film and I didn't expect that! Let's just hope it doesn't become a trilogy.
Despair (2017)
Really awful
Despair is a UK made film that bored me to near tears. I could have cried from the boredom and I could have cried from wasting a couple of hours of my life on this atrocity. It's stupidly predictable and honestly very little even happens. What bothers me further is that 10/10 ratings make up 77.4% of this films ratings and that screams shilling. I get that you want to make your film credible but ironically doing something like that has the opposite effect. Boring movie that had me yawning within the first 10 minutes. Avoid like an angry flaming rabid raccoon.
The Fear Footage (2018)
The Fear Footage
All in all this was pretty terrible but in the movies defense it's not exactly my cup of tea. The only found footage I ever really enjoyed was the Paranormal Activity franchise and even they gradually got worse.
The way the writer has handled this is a cluster of stories merged into one and though that has worked before it doesn't work here. I think it was because the movie was so boring that did it in for me, I can forgive it looking so bad because it clearly has a low budget but I'm cant get past how mundane it all was.
The viewing was fun enough but the movie was bad.
B+ for effort
D- for quality