The Karate Dog (2005 TV Movie)
10/10
wow
6 January 2007
A dog suspended from the ceiling by a cable attached to a harness. Pat Morita pretending to be Chinese. A dog coaching a human on what to say to his dinner date through an earpiece from the bushes. A police detective who owns a million dollar house on the San Francisco bay. A Dalmatian that plays the cello. A fat kid with an earring. A terrier djing the party and scratching on the turntables. A woman who never closes her mouth. A movie named KARATE dog where everyone is supposed to be doing Chinese martial arts. A bumbling, overzealous dog catcher who keeps all the animals in a Guantanamo bay styled facility where they scrawl "woof" and other graffiti on the wall.

Sound great already? It only gets better: A dog takes on 5 human assassins who just defeated his human master and beats them into submission using the martial prowess he achieved spending much of his life as his masters top student. In a flurry of punches and kicks he renders all of them unconscious and/or sets their butt on fire. He bites the leader on the wrist (who is wearing a mask) and spends the rest of the movie trying to solve the mystery of the bitten leader by looking for visual clues such as a band-aids on the wrist etc. Apparently, the greatest canine martial artist to ever live made some sort of Faustian deal where he traded in his canine sense of smell for the ability to roundhouse kick people who are over 6 feet tall.

An all dog band called "the puppies". A repairman disguise kit for infiltrating hi-tech corporate headquarters that says "barker industries" on the back. A Trojan'd compact disc that literally blows up every computer within a 50 foot radius and cuts the building's power when you stick it in a CD drive on a PC.

This movie is great.

Underlying it all is a malicious thread of species-ism in the form of dog-cat hatred. At every opportunity defamatory and slanderous anti-feline sentiments are expressed, implied, and presented in a manner that reveals the deep seated prejudice of the screen writer. The only human minorities in the movie are two moron policemen who constantly make lowbrow, lewd innuendos at every given opportunity, referencing bestiality. Their ethnicity? Surprise! LATINO.

If this wasn't already some of the most exciting cinema of the new millennium, add to that the physics defying martial choreography, featuring mouth-breathing blonde bombshells doing two legged back kicks after running up the wall and septuagenarian sport board breaking.

It concerns me deeply that English speaking children are shown mindless drivel like this without consideration of the lasting emotional and spiritual injury that could be incurred.

The only disappointment? On the cover of the DVD it shows the dog wearing a headband. The dog NEVER wears a headband ONCE in the whole movie.

In summation: the greatest film ever made.
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