Woodyanders Review of The Woods Have Eyes

The Woods Have Eyes (2007)

An enjoyably awful piece of backwoods horror slasher schlock

[8/10 · 10 July 2008]

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A group of wholly insufferable city kids decide to go hiking in a remote woodland area that's the residential place of legendary local vicious redneck patriarch Cappy (atrociously overplayed with growly gusto by the burly John Kyle). Of course, the dumb kids discover that stories about Cappy being one nasty and lethal cuss are all too true. Of course, Cappy and his equally brutish two sons -- dim-witted hulk Clem (a hilariously broad portrayal by Adam Dunnells) and ferocious behemoth Luke (muscular hulk Michael Christeas) -- hunt the kids as if they were animals. And, of course, the kids tap into their latent killer survivalist abilities and fight back. Yes, this flick is really bad and idiotic, but still quite enjoyable in its very jaw-dropping crumminess. Limply directed by Anthony Indelicato (who also co-wrote the clichéd by-the-numbers script), with no tension or momentum to speak of, plenty of gut-busting unintentional guffaws (the hillbillies communicate with each other by making bird calls!), fuzzy digital cinematography by Valentina Caniglia, lousy acting from a lame no-name cast, cheesy gore f/x (which include an especially laughable and unconvincing decapitation), a dreadful "it was just a dream" cop-out ending, and an annoying monotonous score by William Enrico and Vincent Rongone, this baby possesses all the right wrong stuff to quality as a real four star stinkeroonie. The actors playing the kids are uniformly hateful and repellent in their teeth-grating obnoxiousness: Joseph Anthony as irritable hothead Carmine, Michael Bolten as the wimpy Ernie, Cody Greer as whiny, tubby slug Tommy, A.J. Diaferio as the jerky Michael, and Garrett Harrison as the mean Joe all display the charm and appeal of your basic dirty and disgusting wharf rat. As a nice added bonus, we even get three hot babes baring their beautiful bodies in the obligatory gratuitous group shower scene. A total crappy hoot.