From the first awkwardly expositional spoken dialogue in the film the director and screenwriter manage to clearly convey disinterest in character depth. This is taken to such a degree that you (the audience) are rushed through the most pathetically superficial formalities in the first 5-10 minutes, while the rest of the 'content' is delivered to you via weak, predictable foreshadowing.
Foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing.
Foreshadowing and dramatic posturing fill the massive gaps where substance and story should normally take place. The problem manifests itself as a painful migraine in the head of any audience member who wouldn't be equally as entertained by simply jingling your keyring in front of them.
The dialogue in the film had to have been plagiarized from the "F" graded homework of an 10th grade writing class. It's so full of rhetoric, cliché and stupid 'witty one-liners' that I openly criticize the intelligence of -everyone- who, without duress, agreed to work on this sodding mess.
Who didn't see within 10 minutes that the movie would inevitably 'apex' with a werewolf vs. werewolf scene? This prescient knowledge sat in the bottom of my stomach the whole film like a poisonous omen, knowing the moment of my doom.
The only real surprise in the film was its apparent Lord of the Rings tie in. Here it goes...
Anthony Hopkins, the esteemed harmonica player, was bitten by Gollum, who lives in a cave in India. Inexplicably, this turns Anthony into a Wookiee. Someone should call Frodo. Anthony kills wife, son, later infects other son with Wookiee-ism. Son is arrested by Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Son escapes via poetic justice. Son kills father, infects Elrond. True love kills son, son forgives.
Next movie: Elrond terrorizes The Shire, eats hobbits. Gandalf is afflicted with Were-Balrogism. Werewolf vs. Were-Balrog ensues. Michael Bay directs.
It amazes me that it costs $150 million USD to produce something that will (maybe) impress an 8 year old child for 5-10 minutes of a 102 minute session in a chair.
Foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing.
Foreshadowing and dramatic posturing fill the massive gaps where substance and story should normally take place. The problem manifests itself as a painful migraine in the head of any audience member who wouldn't be equally as entertained by simply jingling your keyring in front of them.
The dialogue in the film had to have been plagiarized from the "F" graded homework of an 10th grade writing class. It's so full of rhetoric, cliché and stupid 'witty one-liners' that I openly criticize the intelligence of -everyone- who, without duress, agreed to work on this sodding mess.
Who didn't see within 10 minutes that the movie would inevitably 'apex' with a werewolf vs. werewolf scene? This prescient knowledge sat in the bottom of my stomach the whole film like a poisonous omen, knowing the moment of my doom.
The only real surprise in the film was its apparent Lord of the Rings tie in. Here it goes...
Anthony Hopkins, the esteemed harmonica player, was bitten by Gollum, who lives in a cave in India. Inexplicably, this turns Anthony into a Wookiee. Someone should call Frodo. Anthony kills wife, son, later infects other son with Wookiee-ism. Son is arrested by Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Son escapes via poetic justice. Son kills father, infects Elrond. True love kills son, son forgives.
Next movie: Elrond terrorizes The Shire, eats hobbits. Gandalf is afflicted with Were-Balrogism. Werewolf vs. Were-Balrog ensues. Michael Bay directs.
It amazes me that it costs $150 million USD to produce something that will (maybe) impress an 8 year old child for 5-10 minutes of a 102 minute session in a chair.