Do you remember seeing trailers for Legendary Pictures' Seventh Son in theaters as far back as 2012? I do, because I have no life. But more importantly, it's because this movie was due out 3 years ago. Instead it was delayed, shelved, and passed between studios so many times it's embarrassingly telling. Now it's finally seeing the light of day, and honestly, it should've stayed somewhere dark and damp. Like the bottom of the ocean. Because Seventh Son is a waste of time, talent, and money so egregious, everyone involved should have to perform community service.
It's dumb. And not just dumb but eye-rolling dumb. It has the scope and style of The Lord of The Rings but matches that with all the substance of an 80's adventure movie. And not one of the good ones either. The LOTR comparison may sound cliché, but it's fitting because just from the poster, you can TELL this is a film delayed from the era of studios trying to make their own LOTR knock-offs. Remember Eragon? The Seeker? 47 Ronin? This is a film commissioned by studio execs who KNOW what LOTR is but don't understand WHY those movies worked.
What do I mean by that? Seventh Son's failures in the contemporary fantasy department start from its opening moments, when characters start spouting off dialogue that implies a whole universe of lore without any context or background. Some of it is simple, easy to grasp. Holy order of knights fighting off witches? Sure. I'll buy that. But then the sleep-walking actors start unenthusiastically throwing up all this mythical importance about Spooks and Seventh Sons and Blood Moons; until ultimately I stopped trying to pay attention and started trying to think up a Seventh Son drinking game. If the filmmakers couldn't put effort into making sense of this movie, then why should I put any effort into being sober for this movie?
The baffling questions left unanswered throughout the film are so offensive they should be considered a hate crime against the audience. Is Jeff Bridges' Gregory supposed to be a holy man or a mercenary for hire? Because he does some jobs out of nobility but then others he's demanding money. Is Tom Ward, the Seventh Son, a destined hero or some dude Jeff Bridges literally bought like a slave? Because we keep getting stressed the importance of those who are "Seventh Sons" but Gregory seems to see Ward as a completely disposable intern. And in the end, the Seventh Son doesn't fulfill his destiny in any meaningful way; instead defeating the antagonist through what amounts to a sucker punch AFTER another character does all the work. Imagine Luke Skywalker stabbing Emperor Palpatine in the back after Palpatine fought a Stormtrooper off for twenty minutes. Satisfying? Heroic? Didn't think so.
Scene geography. What? Scenes start on grassy fields and inexplicably end on mountain tops. Competent pacing and editing structure. What? Big reveals come about with no build up, seemingly important scenes last 20 seconds while visceral nonsense lasts forever. An entire genocide happens as payback for actions by Gregory and Ward, and there's NO payoff to it. Sensical character development. What? Big sub-villains are introduced and thrown away a scene later. One of them, called the "King Of Swords," loses a sword fight to a helpless character with no combat experience MINUTES after we watch this King kill 4 guys at once in a sword fight. Performances. What? To call these paycheck performances is an insult to paycheck performers, because nearly everyone in this movie sounds like they want to be doing something else. Moore has some fun vamping it up as the film's big bad, but the material is un-savable. Bridges spends the entire film doing a poor man's Ian McKellen, and in general, is as miscast as Elizabeth Olsen would be as the lead in a Barack Obama biopic.
I could go on forever. This is a movie so bad it leaves you angry after its over. When Universal teamed up with Legendary pictures last year, I was so pumped. Legendary's previous partnership with Warner Bros gave us Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Trilogy, 300, Inception, Watchmen, The Hangover, Godzilla, and The Town. Not all masterpieces, but all LEAGUES above the quality they now churn out with Universal. Together thus far they've pumped out nothing but middling tripe, until finally hitting the bottom with this. Seventh Son holds no merit. Tie it to a rocket and throw it into the sun. Please, someone, do that. Now.
It's dumb. And not just dumb but eye-rolling dumb. It has the scope and style of The Lord of The Rings but matches that with all the substance of an 80's adventure movie. And not one of the good ones either. The LOTR comparison may sound cliché, but it's fitting because just from the poster, you can TELL this is a film delayed from the era of studios trying to make their own LOTR knock-offs. Remember Eragon? The Seeker? 47 Ronin? This is a film commissioned by studio execs who KNOW what LOTR is but don't understand WHY those movies worked.
What do I mean by that? Seventh Son's failures in the contemporary fantasy department start from its opening moments, when characters start spouting off dialogue that implies a whole universe of lore without any context or background. Some of it is simple, easy to grasp. Holy order of knights fighting off witches? Sure. I'll buy that. But then the sleep-walking actors start unenthusiastically throwing up all this mythical importance about Spooks and Seventh Sons and Blood Moons; until ultimately I stopped trying to pay attention and started trying to think up a Seventh Son drinking game. If the filmmakers couldn't put effort into making sense of this movie, then why should I put any effort into being sober for this movie?
The baffling questions left unanswered throughout the film are so offensive they should be considered a hate crime against the audience. Is Jeff Bridges' Gregory supposed to be a holy man or a mercenary for hire? Because he does some jobs out of nobility but then others he's demanding money. Is Tom Ward, the Seventh Son, a destined hero or some dude Jeff Bridges literally bought like a slave? Because we keep getting stressed the importance of those who are "Seventh Sons" but Gregory seems to see Ward as a completely disposable intern. And in the end, the Seventh Son doesn't fulfill his destiny in any meaningful way; instead defeating the antagonist through what amounts to a sucker punch AFTER another character does all the work. Imagine Luke Skywalker stabbing Emperor Palpatine in the back after Palpatine fought a Stormtrooper off for twenty minutes. Satisfying? Heroic? Didn't think so.
Scene geography. What? Scenes start on grassy fields and inexplicably end on mountain tops. Competent pacing and editing structure. What? Big reveals come about with no build up, seemingly important scenes last 20 seconds while visceral nonsense lasts forever. An entire genocide happens as payback for actions by Gregory and Ward, and there's NO payoff to it. Sensical character development. What? Big sub-villains are introduced and thrown away a scene later. One of them, called the "King Of Swords," loses a sword fight to a helpless character with no combat experience MINUTES after we watch this King kill 4 guys at once in a sword fight. Performances. What? To call these paycheck performances is an insult to paycheck performers, because nearly everyone in this movie sounds like they want to be doing something else. Moore has some fun vamping it up as the film's big bad, but the material is un-savable. Bridges spends the entire film doing a poor man's Ian McKellen, and in general, is as miscast as Elizabeth Olsen would be as the lead in a Barack Obama biopic.
I could go on forever. This is a movie so bad it leaves you angry after its over. When Universal teamed up with Legendary pictures last year, I was so pumped. Legendary's previous partnership with Warner Bros gave us Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Trilogy, 300, Inception, Watchmen, The Hangover, Godzilla, and The Town. Not all masterpieces, but all LEAGUES above the quality they now churn out with Universal. Together thus far they've pumped out nothing but middling tripe, until finally hitting the bottom with this. Seventh Son holds no merit. Tie it to a rocket and throw it into the sun. Please, someone, do that. Now.