If you've ever wanted to see Joan Collins have her breasts fondled by a randy dwarf, then I Don't Want To Be Born is the film for you. When Hercules (George Claydon), the diminutive fellow in question, is spurned by showgirl Lucy (Collins), he curses the brunette beauty for leading him on, telling her that she will give birth to a monster. Sure enough, nine months after her marriage to Italian businessman Gino Carlesi (Ralph Bates), Lucy becomes the frightened mother of a 12lb terror called Nicholas, who proceeds to menace those around him.
Let's be honest, if the man delivering your baby is creepy horror legend Donald Pleasance, something sinister is bound to happen, and it sure does for Mr & Mrs Carlesi: their new arrival wrecks his nursery, bumps off his nurse, and then sets his wicked sights on parents and doctor. And, yes, this British cross between The Exorcist and It's Alive is as hilariously bad as it sounds, director Peter Sasdy bringing us one uproariously daft moment after another, making it a delight for fans of bad movies.
Here's a quick rundown of some of the treats in store for viewers of this trash:
Play School's Floella Benjamin as a nurse in the hilarious opening scene in which it looks like Collins is having an orgasm, not a baby.
Bates' terrible Italian accent, which incredibly, is still better than that of Eileen Atkins, who plays his sister, Sister Albana ("Lucy believes that baby is possessed by the day-vil").
Some lousy parallel parking by Gino and strip club manager Tommy (John Steiner).
The attempted drowning of the nurse in the bath and her eventual demise in a lake.
The wide eyed gurgling baby transforming into the evil dwarf before Lucy's very eyes (poor George Claydon wearing a yellow baby-grow and grinning maniacally).
Grumpy housekeeper Mrs. Hyde (Hilary Mason) finding a dead mouse in her cup of tea.
The baby snickering like cartoon dog Muttley before dropping a noose around Gino's neck (hey, the kid can tie knots as well-not bad for a newborn).
Tommy getting a bunch of fives in the face from the baby.
Nicky lopping off Donald Pleasance's head with a spade.
And as if that wasn't enough to keep you entertained, we also get a considerable amount of T&A to help pass the time, with brief flashes of boobs and butt from Joan (who also sports sexy underwear), Hammer babe Caroline Munro in a basque, stockings and suspenders, and full frontal from a stripper auditioning for sleazebag Tommy.
7/10. It's really bad, but it sure is fun.
Let's be honest, if the man delivering your baby is creepy horror legend Donald Pleasance, something sinister is bound to happen, and it sure does for Mr & Mrs Carlesi: their new arrival wrecks his nursery, bumps off his nurse, and then sets his wicked sights on parents and doctor. And, yes, this British cross between The Exorcist and It's Alive is as hilariously bad as it sounds, director Peter Sasdy bringing us one uproariously daft moment after another, making it a delight for fans of bad movies.
Here's a quick rundown of some of the treats in store for viewers of this trash:
Play School's Floella Benjamin as a nurse in the hilarious opening scene in which it looks like Collins is having an orgasm, not a baby.
Bates' terrible Italian accent, which incredibly, is still better than that of Eileen Atkins, who plays his sister, Sister Albana ("Lucy believes that baby is possessed by the day-vil").
Some lousy parallel parking by Gino and strip club manager Tommy (John Steiner).
The attempted drowning of the nurse in the bath and her eventual demise in a lake.
The wide eyed gurgling baby transforming into the evil dwarf before Lucy's very eyes (poor George Claydon wearing a yellow baby-grow and grinning maniacally).
Grumpy housekeeper Mrs. Hyde (Hilary Mason) finding a dead mouse in her cup of tea.
The baby snickering like cartoon dog Muttley before dropping a noose around Gino's neck (hey, the kid can tie knots as well-not bad for a newborn).
Tommy getting a bunch of fives in the face from the baby.
Nicky lopping off Donald Pleasance's head with a spade.
And as if that wasn't enough to keep you entertained, we also get a considerable amount of T&A to help pass the time, with brief flashes of boobs and butt from Joan (who also sports sexy underwear), Hammer babe Caroline Munro in a basque, stockings and suspenders, and full frontal from a stripper auditioning for sleazebag Tommy.
7/10. It's really bad, but it sure is fun.