I hate stupid movies. I hate sloppy movies. I hate stupid, sloppy movies with A-List casts which cost the GDP of a small country. I am the ONLY person in the entire universe who noticed that the "star" of this stupid, sloppy movie - the replica of a priceless Cartier diamond necklace "fished out" by a crew member working for the "criminal mastermind" behind the heist of the real necklace, claiming that it "must" have "slipped" off the lovely neck of the not-so-lovely celebrity racing toward the bathroom to puke her guts out, despite its unique clasp which makes a "slip" impossible - was COUPLED, AND that the not-so-lovely celebrity was wearing the real necklace as she had her head in the toilet puking her guts out?! You would think the actors would have turned to the hack behind the camera, and yelled: "Hey, Dummy! The fake necklace is coupled, AND she's wearing the real one as she has her head in the toilet puking her guts out!" But no such luck. Stupid Sloppy is as Stupid Sloppy does.
The owner of the lovely neck is Anne Hathaway, who plays a vapid creature named Daphne Kluger (why she didn't play herself, as Vogue's head honcho Anna Wintour does, is not for us lesser minds to ponder). Hathaway's ex, "real estate developer" Raffaello Follieri, defrauded investors out of $100 million in a scheme involving properties the Catholic Church was selling to settle assault claims. Unfortunately, humanity will never know if she so much as asked Follieri how the hell he was paying for their pricey amusements, as the FBI allowed her to go along her merry way without so much as asking her a single question.
I mention this because Ocean's Eight isn't just about fraud, it IS a fraud! This odious ode to Girl Power (co-written by a woman!) doesn't have one compelling reason to exist. Bad enough Marlo Thomas, Elizabeth Ashley, and Elliot Gould are dragged out of mothballs for cameos which give "cringe" a bad name, it has more plot holes than a sieve.
The aforementioned "criminal mastermind" is the sister of the deceased (or not) Danny Ocean. Hours after Debbie Ocean is sprung from the pokey after promising to be a good girl, she relieves Bergdorf-Goodman and Burberry of a few goodies, then crashes at The Plaza, with an unwitting couple footing the bill. Any one of these stunts should have landed her back in the pokey, but no one catches on because she is a "criminal mastermind"!
Criminal Mastermind wants revenge on her ex, an art fraudster (you were expecting a Boy Scout?) for sending her to the pokey. So, she decides to steal a bauble dubbed The Toussaint she cons Cartier into having it adorn the lovely neck of the not-so-lovely celebrity who winds up with her head in the toilet puking her guts out during The Met Gala, and frame him for it. She and her Sidekick recruit a motley crew with specific skills, one of whom comes up with the "genius" idea of creating the fake bauble from zirconium by using a 3-D printer. Forget that it is impossible for a 3-D printer to 3-D print zirconium AND that zirconium is heavier than diamonds -- these are "criminal masterminds"!
The "master hacker" warns Debbie to erase her digital footprints as the "master hacker" creates digital footprints. Vogue hires four members of The Motley Crew for The Gala without conducting thorough background checks. How did Criminal Mastermind get the mobile she uses to con The Plaza into giving "the couple" their room back? How did the "master jeweler" set up shop in The Met's kitchen bathroom without anyone noticing? Did I mention the DNA The Motley Crew leave all over the now-split necklace that Criminal Mastermind slips into Art Fraud's pocket to "prove" he stole it?
That this odious ode to Girl Power relies on a MAN (Yen from "Ocean's 11") to relieve The Gala of its other priceless bling was lost on everyone, too. Forget how we're supposed to buy that Criminal Mastermind moves over $300 million without the FBI and the Secret Service on her like flies-on-stink -- she is a "criminal mastermind"! Had one of the ladies used her ill-gotten booty to help the less-fortunate, I wouldn't be feeling ripped-off. But no such luck. Stupid Sloppy is as Stupid Sloppy does.
The owner of the lovely neck is Anne Hathaway, who plays a vapid creature named Daphne Kluger (why she didn't play herself, as Vogue's head honcho Anna Wintour does, is not for us lesser minds to ponder). Hathaway's ex, "real estate developer" Raffaello Follieri, defrauded investors out of $100 million in a scheme involving properties the Catholic Church was selling to settle assault claims. Unfortunately, humanity will never know if she so much as asked Follieri how the hell he was paying for their pricey amusements, as the FBI allowed her to go along her merry way without so much as asking her a single question.
I mention this because Ocean's Eight isn't just about fraud, it IS a fraud! This odious ode to Girl Power (co-written by a woman!) doesn't have one compelling reason to exist. Bad enough Marlo Thomas, Elizabeth Ashley, and Elliot Gould are dragged out of mothballs for cameos which give "cringe" a bad name, it has more plot holes than a sieve.
The aforementioned "criminal mastermind" is the sister of the deceased (or not) Danny Ocean. Hours after Debbie Ocean is sprung from the pokey after promising to be a good girl, she relieves Bergdorf-Goodman and Burberry of a few goodies, then crashes at The Plaza, with an unwitting couple footing the bill. Any one of these stunts should have landed her back in the pokey, but no one catches on because she is a "criminal mastermind"!
Criminal Mastermind wants revenge on her ex, an art fraudster (you were expecting a Boy Scout?) for sending her to the pokey. So, she decides to steal a bauble dubbed The Toussaint she cons Cartier into having it adorn the lovely neck of the not-so-lovely celebrity who winds up with her head in the toilet puking her guts out during The Met Gala, and frame him for it. She and her Sidekick recruit a motley crew with specific skills, one of whom comes up with the "genius" idea of creating the fake bauble from zirconium by using a 3-D printer. Forget that it is impossible for a 3-D printer to 3-D print zirconium AND that zirconium is heavier than diamonds -- these are "criminal masterminds"!
The "master hacker" warns Debbie to erase her digital footprints as the "master hacker" creates digital footprints. Vogue hires four members of The Motley Crew for The Gala without conducting thorough background checks. How did Criminal Mastermind get the mobile she uses to con The Plaza into giving "the couple" their room back? How did the "master jeweler" set up shop in The Met's kitchen bathroom without anyone noticing? Did I mention the DNA The Motley Crew leave all over the now-split necklace that Criminal Mastermind slips into Art Fraud's pocket to "prove" he stole it?
That this odious ode to Girl Power relies on a MAN (Yen from "Ocean's 11") to relieve The Gala of its other priceless bling was lost on everyone, too. Forget how we're supposed to buy that Criminal Mastermind moves over $300 million without the FBI and the Secret Service on her like flies-on-stink -- she is a "criminal mastermind"! Had one of the ladies used her ill-gotten booty to help the less-fortunate, I wouldn't be feeling ripped-off. But no such luck. Stupid Sloppy is as Stupid Sloppy does.