I found myself watching "Wonder Woman 1984" on TV the other night when my mother walked in. After I told her the title, she asked "Didn't (Steve) die in ('Wonder Woman')"? I said yes. Then she said, very confused: "How did he come back?" I explained that Diana discovers a legendary crystal which grants wishes and she wished for Steve to return, and he assumes another man's body. As I was saying this, not only did I realize how utterly lame this was, I could hear the Barbara character yelling: "LAME!" inside my head!
It starts with child Diana participating in some bizarro cross between American Ninja Warrior and the Grand National. She's supposed to learn some bizarro lesson about truth after her He-Man aunt stops her from winning because it turns out that Child Diana isn't half as clever as she thinks she is. Flash forward to 1984 Washington D. C., and Adult Diana works at the Smithsonian. Her boss is Oprah Winfrey's twin from 1986, who has just hired someone whose existence she barely acknowledges. This someone is the aforementioned Barbara, Michelle Pfeiffer's "Batman Returns" stand-in in a past life. Diana and Barbara meet-cute when Diana helps gather the papers Barbara dropped on the floor as the "gentlemen" around them confirm that chivalry is officially dead. A few days later at lunch, she tells Barbara: "You make me laugh". Now, I'm thinking: THIS is getting interesting. But, alas, just when you think Di and Babs are about to give "Girl Power" a whole new meaning, Patty Jenkins (who co-wrote and directed this dumpster fire) shoehorns in the aforementioned Steve Trevor and snake oil salesman Max Lord, who seems to be on TV 24/7. One of those Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It types, Snake Oil Salesman tries to convince his investor and Jack Palance's stand-in in a past life to keep throwing good money after bad, then Oprah Winfrey's Twin From 1986 gives him a VIP tour of the Smithsonian. In no time, Mad Max zeroes in on the hapless Barbara, swipes the aforementioned crystal from literally behind her back, then proceeds to give "Power Trip" a whole new meaning.
That isn't even the stupidest part of this dumpster fire (and DO NOT get me started on Diana Does the Shopping Mall bit). Our lovebirds swipe a Panavia Tornado, which magically switches from its inline seating configuration to a side-by-side seating configuration the moment they hop in, and - extra added bonus! - it's fully fueled! On what planet does THAT happen?! Even-more ridiculous is how Steve makes like Tom Cruise while Diana makes like David Copperfield. Did I mention that they jet off to Cairo without managing to get shot down upon entering French, German, Italian, Greek, or Egyptian airspace (and, no, the David Copperfield routine would not have prevented the Panavia from being detected by radar)? Did I also mention that Diana isn't sacked by Oprah Winfrey's Twin From 1986 for this little stunt upon her return?
It all goes downhill from there, complete with gratuitous Arab-Children-Playing-in-the-Middle-of-the-Road-in-the-Middle-of-Nowhere-Must-be-Saved-from-the-Convoy-of-Tanks-and-Manned-Machine-Guns-Protecting-Crazy-White-American-Out-to-Hijack-the-World's-Oil-Supply. Rapidly losing her powers because she was silly enough to wish for Tom Cruise to return, Diana dons the armor of the Amazons' greatest warrior Asteria (who was actually the Greek goddess of nocturnal oracles and shooting stars, but I digress) and has it out with Barbara, now sporting a cheetah suit (don't ask) after their previous meet-cute at The White House (don't ask) as Mad Max goofs before a camera in a top-secret government installation (don't ask) and hands out wishes like candy.
And because no one was clamoring for it, a third Wonder Woman movie is now in the works. I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It starts with child Diana participating in some bizarro cross between American Ninja Warrior and the Grand National. She's supposed to learn some bizarro lesson about truth after her He-Man aunt stops her from winning because it turns out that Child Diana isn't half as clever as she thinks she is. Flash forward to 1984 Washington D. C., and Adult Diana works at the Smithsonian. Her boss is Oprah Winfrey's twin from 1986, who has just hired someone whose existence she barely acknowledges. This someone is the aforementioned Barbara, Michelle Pfeiffer's "Batman Returns" stand-in in a past life. Diana and Barbara meet-cute when Diana helps gather the papers Barbara dropped on the floor as the "gentlemen" around them confirm that chivalry is officially dead. A few days later at lunch, she tells Barbara: "You make me laugh". Now, I'm thinking: THIS is getting interesting. But, alas, just when you think Di and Babs are about to give "Girl Power" a whole new meaning, Patty Jenkins (who co-wrote and directed this dumpster fire) shoehorns in the aforementioned Steve Trevor and snake oil salesman Max Lord, who seems to be on TV 24/7. One of those Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It types, Snake Oil Salesman tries to convince his investor and Jack Palance's stand-in in a past life to keep throwing good money after bad, then Oprah Winfrey's Twin From 1986 gives him a VIP tour of the Smithsonian. In no time, Mad Max zeroes in on the hapless Barbara, swipes the aforementioned crystal from literally behind her back, then proceeds to give "Power Trip" a whole new meaning.
That isn't even the stupidest part of this dumpster fire (and DO NOT get me started on Diana Does the Shopping Mall bit). Our lovebirds swipe a Panavia Tornado, which magically switches from its inline seating configuration to a side-by-side seating configuration the moment they hop in, and - extra added bonus! - it's fully fueled! On what planet does THAT happen?! Even-more ridiculous is how Steve makes like Tom Cruise while Diana makes like David Copperfield. Did I mention that they jet off to Cairo without managing to get shot down upon entering French, German, Italian, Greek, or Egyptian airspace (and, no, the David Copperfield routine would not have prevented the Panavia from being detected by radar)? Did I also mention that Diana isn't sacked by Oprah Winfrey's Twin From 1986 for this little stunt upon her return?
It all goes downhill from there, complete with gratuitous Arab-Children-Playing-in-the-Middle-of-the-Road-in-the-Middle-of-Nowhere-Must-be-Saved-from-the-Convoy-of-Tanks-and-Manned-Machine-Guns-Protecting-Crazy-White-American-Out-to-Hijack-the-World's-Oil-Supply. Rapidly losing her powers because she was silly enough to wish for Tom Cruise to return, Diana dons the armor of the Amazons' greatest warrior Asteria (who was actually the Greek goddess of nocturnal oracles and shooting stars, but I digress) and has it out with Barbara, now sporting a cheetah suit (don't ask) after their previous meet-cute at The White House (don't ask) as Mad Max goofs before a camera in a top-secret government installation (don't ask) and hands out wishes like candy.
And because no one was clamoring for it, a third Wonder Woman movie is now in the works. I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.