The Muppet Show (1976–1981)

Jim Henson: Kermit the Frog, Waldorf, Rowlf, Link Hogthrob, The Swedish Chef, Muppet Newsman, Dr. Teeth, The Newsman, Swedish Chef, Rowlf the Dog, Gloat, Jim, Zeke, Pig, Whatnot Dancers, Accordion Player, Beaver, Ernie, Jugband Member, Newsman, Prairie Dog, Australian, Baby, Beaker clones, Beautiful Day Monster, Black Rooster, Blue Frackle, Boppity, Boston Pops Conductor, Brown Bear, Bug, Bun-Bun Brother, Butch the Tiger, Cantaloupe, Clodhopper, Construction Worker, Dancers, Doglion, Droop, Eel, Fazoob, Flower-Eating Monster, Gills Brother, Gingerbread Man, Girl Dancer, Gypsy, Hillbilly Singer, King Rupert the Second, Lefty, Lenny the Lizard, Leo, Link Hoghrob, Link Hogthtrob, Mahna Mahna, Marvin, Mary Louise, Mean Mama, Miss Kitty, Miss Kitty's Dancing Partner, Muppaphones, Muppet Newspig, Nigel, Old Man Singer, One of the Students, Piano, Pigs, Pretty Monster, Rat, Robot Kermit, Rover Joe, Rowlf's Dancing Partner, Scientist, Shaky Sanchez, Silver Beak, Singer, Singing Fireman, Slim Wilson, Tennis Balls, The Muppaphones, The Muppet Newsman, Timmy Monster, Turkish Whatnot, Viking Pig, Villager, Villain, Wally Whoopie, Whatnot, Whatnot Dancer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Waldorf : How do they do it?

  Statler : How do we watch it?

  Waldorf : *Why* do we watch it?

  Statler : [Breaking the fourth wall]  Why do *you* watch it?

• Waldorf : These seats are awful.

  Statler : Why? Can't you see anything?

  Waldorf : That's the problem. I can see everything.

• Waldorf : Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens.

  Statler : What?

  Waldorf : It ends.

• Statler : This show is awful.

  Waldorf : Terrible.

  Statler : Disgusting.

  Waldorf : See you next week?

  Statler : Of course.

• Statler : I like that last number.

  Waldorf : What did you like about it?

  Statler : It was the *last* number!

• Waldorf : Well, you gotta give them credit.

  Statler : Why's that?

  Waldorf : Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.

• Miss Piggy : Methinks thou doth protest too much.

  Kermit : What?

  Miss Piggy : Shakespeare.

  Kermit : Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.

  Miss Piggy : How would you like a pork chop? Hi-yah!

  [karate chops Kermit] 

  Miss Piggy : You always hurt the one you love.

• Miss Piggy : But I love him.

  Rowlf : How could you love him? You're a nurse.

  Miss Piggy : That may be true, but I am a woman first.

  Rowlf : No, you're not. You're a pig first. Nurse second. I don't think woman made the top 10.

• Kermit : Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!

• Rita Moreno : Kermit I was wondering if we could just forget the cue cards and just ad lib it.

  Kermit the Frog : Ad lib it? Yes I don't mind doing that but there are others who may take offense.

  Rita Moreno : Like who?

  Kermit the Frog : Like the guy who holds the cue cards.

  Sweetums : Nice lady not want Sweetums to hold cue cards?

  Rita Moreno : Uh no.

  Sweetums : Nice lady want Sweetums to hold something else?

  Rita Moreno : Sure you can hold anything you want.

  Sweetums : Great! That best offer Sweetums have all week.

  [Sweetums picks up Rita like a football and walks off with her while Kermit shrieks] 

  Kermit the Frog : That's the problem with guests on this show. They seem to get carried away.

• [the Swedish Chef is cooking, Miss Piggy appears] 

  Miss Piggy : I'm looking for Foofoo! Foofoo my dog, you idiot!

  Swedish Chef : [cooking hot dogs, misunderstands]  The dog is in the pot!

  Miss Piggy : WHAT? You cook Foo-foo?

  [tries to karate chop the Chef, but he blocks her] 

• Statler : Now why did you do that to poor Fozzie?

  Waldorf : Do what? I really was on the Titanic.

  Statler : I know. You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the life boat. Heh heh heh.

  Waldorf : D'oh!

• Statler : What have you got for an opening act this time? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?

  Kermit : Cancel the opening number.

  Chinese Gorilla : Dong day do dai dai do...

• Statler : Ever heard of pig on bikes?

  Waldorf : I've never heard of road hogs.

• Kermit : Animal, you like the theme song, don't you?

  Animal : [nods head emphatically]  Yeah, yeah!

  Floyd : No, no!

  Animal : [shakes head emphatically]  No, no.

• Waldorf : Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?

  Statler : Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

  Waldorf : Really, how?

  Statler : I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!

• Kermit : And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?

• Miss Piggy : [as Nurse Piggy]  It's too late, Doctor Bob. We've lost him.

  Rowlf : [as Doctor Bob]  Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

• Waldorf : [after the song "Happy Feet"]  You know, on the show that wasn't funny.

  Statler : True, true.

  Waldorf : But on a record, it doesn't even make sense!

• Statler : I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it.

  Waldorf : Believe what?

  Statler : I don't know - I wasn't watching.

• Waldorf : I can't believe those rats were responsible for this show.

  Statler : Those rats were also responsible for the bubonic plague. Dohohohoh!

• Waldorf : Pay up! They made it through another one

  Statler : Double or nothing next week's show?

  Waldorf : You're on!

• Robot Kermit : Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin' some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?

  Miss Piggy : Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...

  Robot Kermit : Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs.

• Fozzie : Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers.

  Kermit : Oh, you think so, huh?

  Fozzie : Oh, I know so. I know so.

  Kermit : OK, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you.

  Fozzie : Great.

  Kermit : But, Fozzie - I expect a great comeback.

  Fozzie : Right.

  [clears throat] 

  Fozzie : Ahh, my cousin's so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedict's a mafia gangster.

  Kermit : I've seen cheeseburgers funnier then that.

  [Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken] 

  Fozzie : What do you think, huh? Too subtle?

• Muppet Newsman : Here is a Muppet News Flash.

  [runs to the desk] 

  Muppet Newsman : There is no news tonight.

• Beauregard : Kermit! Kermit! I had a dream and it was so real! I... what does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?

  Kermit : It means you're sleeping on the floor!

• Kermit : [the phone rings]  Fozzie, will you get that?

  Fozzie : [Runs up and answers it]  Hello. Muppet Show backstage.

  [Water squirts out of the mike on the phone] 

  Kermit : Who was that?

  Fozzie : The water department.

  [Hangs up and walks away] 

  Kermit : [Towards the camera]  What the hey?

• Fozzie : [the phone rings]  I'll get it!

  [Picks up] 

  Fozzie : Muppet Show backstage.

  [Thick white smoke comes out of the phone] 

  Kermit : Fozzie, who was that?

  Fozzie : [Coughing]  The fire department.

  Kermit : [Towards the camera]  I think this is what's called a running gag.

  [At that the Muppet Newsman runs by towards the stage] 

  Fozzie : [Pointing at him]  No, THAT'S what's called a running gag.

• Fozzie : [Phone rings]  I'll get it!

  [Picks up] 

  Fozzie : Muppet Show backstage.

  [Coins start pouring out of the mike on the phone, and Fozzie takes off his hat quickly to catch them] 

  Kermit : Fozzie, who was it this time?

  Fozzie : Las Vegas.

  [Kermit walks off disgusted] 

• Fozzie : [Phone rings]  I got it!

  [Answers] 

  Fozzie : Muppet Show backstage.

  [an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike] 

  Kermit : [a little shaken]  Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?

  Fozzie : The Atomic Energy Commission.

• Waldorf : Well, this show certainly doesn't lay any eggs.

  Chickens : Bwak bawk bawk!

  Statler : Wanna bet?

• Waldorf : [looking down from the balcony]  He shouldn't have jumped. The show wasn't that bad.

• Waldorf : [after the ending theme plays]  Uh, Statler?

  Statler : Yeah, what?

  Waldorf : Is that it?

  Statler : Yes, it's over. How'd you like it?

  Waldorf : Uh, I don't know. I slept through the whole thing.

  Statler : Well, you didn't miss much!

• Waldorf : You are my sunshine! My only sunshine.

  Statler : Why you old fool!

  Waldorf : What?

  Statler : I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.

  Waldorf : And he calls me an old fool?

• Waldorf : Yeah, the show is good for what ails me.

  Statler : Yeah? What does ail you?

  Waldorf : Insomnia.

• Kermit : Me, not crazy? I hired the others!

• Fozzie : I don't got rhythm.

  Rowlf : That's for sure.

  Fozzie : I don't got rhythm.

  Rowlf : Who can ask for anything more?

  Statler : We could!

  Waldorf : Yeah! Earplugs!

• Statler : Well the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.

  Chickens : Bawk!

  Waldorf : Wanna bet?

• Statler : You know I never liked this show's theme music.

  Waldorf : Niether did I.

  Kermit : You promised!

• Swedish Chef : Bork Bork Bork!