The premise of this film...hahaha film...is a 'nerd' in a yellow shirt and work trousers who goes for a makeover, and when that fails to help him score, he goes on a killing spree wiping out the entire cast - the end. Who the hell is responsible for this?! Oh right Troma Entertainment, I guess I should have seen that coming; for those of you who have never heard of Troma Entertainment before, they're the company behind such gems as 'Redneck Zombies', 'Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods', 'Bloodspit' and of course 'Bride of Killer Nerd' - yes this movie has a sequel, I know...I own it; I think there's a part of me that really hates money, I mean how else can I possibly explain this...thing...being in my possession? Oh wait I remember: I originally got my hands on the Killer Nerd/Bride of Killer Nerd compilation when I purchased another movie from Troma Entertainment entitled 'Mother's Day' - and yes it sucks too; the Killer Nerd compilation had been taped onto my 'Mother's Day' DVD, along with a red ribbon, almost as if feeling the need to bribe people into taking this DVD for free. I had tried desperately to view the film after I had first received it but somehow I had just never gotten past the absurd opening of some dream girl performing a strip show. Fortunately now, having finally watched the film in its entirety, I can proudly testify - that I still don't know what the point of that scene was. Well actually...you remember what I said about bribery, right? Or maybe the editor just fell asleep at the board, added this by mistake and the director couldn't tell the difference.
The scene finally ends and we're introduced to the killer nerd himself, aka Harold Kunkle, change a few letters in that last name and he could have been Harold Cancer...it sure as hell would have been more appropriate, I mean listen to his voice, he sounds like a robot with bad wiring; actually that's me being really-really kind, but seriously: who saw this guy at the audition and felt they just have to cast him in this role; I kid you not, this guy make's the performance of the girl in 'Woodchipper Massacre' look like Tim Robbins in 'Shawshank Redemption'.
Some really awful music plays while he goes through his morning activities, and of course we get to watch them, all of them; it was at this point where our laughter had seized and I'm pretty sure I heard someone utter the phrase "I think we should rather watch Star Wars Holiday Special"...and he wasn't exaggerating either, this movie is worse than 'Star Wars Holiday Special' - how is that even possible?! Was this a religious thing, you know where someone's too much of a pussy to blow out his own brains, so he simply makes a movie like this knowing that after watching it the audience will do the work for him?! Either way, I don't see any angels in his future.
Harold departs for work on foot, and of course we get to watch him walk...and walk...and walk, finally he stops at a bus stop, although we never actually see him board a bus, so we presume the only reason he stops there is to be bullied by the two most dim witted, clichéd, thugs you have ever seen on screen...I don't quite recall what they said to him, or maybe I just wasn't listening, but either way it all goes on for way to long. The scene finally ends and we get to see even more of him walking, until he finally reaches his job as an office...something. There he hits on another rather nerdy girl, although I get the feeling she wasn't supposed to be portrayed that way, and then he's picked on by one of his co-workers. I wish you could have heard some of this guy's dialogue; do people like that really exist? I mean I've made fun of a few people in my time, but if that's the best you can come up with...needless to say this guy's dialogue sounds like if Michael Bay had wrote the script for 'Casablanca'. I'm going to skip forward here, and it really makes no difference as really nothing happens for the next thirty minutes...well except Harold inviting the nerdy girl to a church picnic and getting rejected by the most awkward lie I've ever seen in a movie. Nerdy Girl: "I would have loved to, but I just remembered I have to go out of town Sunday morning". Harold: "That's okay, the picnic is Saturday". Nerdy Girl: "Oh God, I just remembered I actually have to go out of town really early Saturday morning." Damn woman just say "no"! Trust me he's used to it...I could be talking about the character or actor, it really doesn't make any difference. So Harold purchases an anti-nerd video tape off one of those infomercials, but of course they first make us watch the infomercial in all four and a half minutes of its agonizing glory; let me give you this tape's advise when you want to show a girl you're interested: stand with your hands in your jeans front pockets, roll your hands continuously and then point to the girl...it's a rare movie that not only makes you feel stupid for watching it, but that actually just outright says it! Next Harold has his hair redone in a punk rock style, and the hairdresser actually states that girls will drop dead when they see him...I don't want to give the film unnecessary credit, but I like to think that sentence had double meaning. It was round this point where the movie passed the 40 minute mark and so far we hadn't gotten so much as a hint that this is in fact a horror movie: maybe the fact that it's so bad made it classify, if so this is scary stuff! Or maybe the title actually meant 'Killer Nerd' in the terms of 'Lady Killers', I mean he is holding a gun on the box cover, but maybe the artist just didn't get it either. Sigh, we're going to have to finish the movie to find out, aren't we? Really, do we have to? I loathe myself.
Now looking like a new man...actually he looks exactly the same, just with way to much gel in his hair...Harold visits the home of the nerdy girl and when it turns out she's already taken (I give you eight seconds to figure out by who) instead visits a night club; Bartender: "What's your pleasure, sir?" Harold: "I would like a drink please". On a personal note, take a guess what I would say to any customer coming up to my bar and saying they'd like "a drink". Harold stands in the doorway, watching other people dance and at first it seems this film was at least kind enough to not have him join them...oh wait there he goes, what the hell's going on now? They're forming a circle around him as he dances? Why?! This guy dances like Mickey Mouse who just noticed he mistook Goofy for an attractive female rodent. Harold is picked up by two punk rock types and joins them on their quest for weed. It of course turns out their dealers are the punks from the bus stop and they proceed to beat the life out of Harold...yes get him! If you finish him off completely I can simply change the title to 'Killed Nerd' and we can all go home. Of course they don't quite finish him, but the music does turn all 'Kill Bill' on us all of a sudden...and it seems the movie might actually be threatening to start, why not? It's only been 65 minutes.
So he goes after the nerdy girl and the Michael Bay-dialogue-type-guy first, doing a pretty decent impersonation of a cat; so that's this guy's calling, animal sounds? Well I guess it's still better than doing voice work for the Disney Channel. This guy's death scene actually made me laugh again, you know the way he screams, backs away from the killer, apparently getting bored with the scene and then stepping forward into the knife...I'd explain the gap of logic, but that would be really insulting your intelligence. The Nerdy girl meets her demise by Harold forcing acid down her throat; well first he drops her boyfriend's head down on the bed, and that truly is the best fake heads that Wall Mart has to offer. She screams a bit, but also doesn't really do much to stop him. Next he goes after his mother, and this scene actually made me lose a bet, because I really thought there was no way this movie had the guts to add any reference to matricide; I guess that's the key to outsmarting me, just put a bunch of eight year olds in a circle and let them write a script. Following the mother's untimely death, Harold goes after the punk clan and we step into our final sequence. This sequence is really wow, wow as in how lazy the writing is: you know how horror films always manages to come up with some creative, or sometimes less creative, idea for the victims to go off alone as to meet their demise by the hands of the killer? This film actually has 3 of the 4 characters all go off to the bathroom, one by one, so that Harold can slaughter them. What the hell?! Really, three times, you used the same cliché three times?! This is worst writing than 'Cheerleader Massacre' and you know what I think of 'Cheerleader Massacre'?! I've watched that movie three times and it's so bloody forgettable that I still don't have any kind of clue who the killer is! Man I want to use a curse word here, really this movie makes me mad! And what's with the lighting? The exterior shots have all gone purple and the inside keeps flashing, what are you hoping your audience all suffer from epilepsy and the flashing might literally kill them before they can tell others about how bad your movie is?!...I'm done...really I'm done.
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