Bill and Louise Foster move into the house of their dreams but it quickly becomes a nightmare (bwhahahaha!). Goop oozes out of cabinets and coffee pots, little earthquakes keep happening, things go bump in the night, kitchen chairs keep smacking Louise in the ass, and, worst of all, the Foster's cross keeps inverting itself over and over on their wall. "Must be the house settling," says brainiac Bill. Imagine THE AMITYVILLE HORROR filmed on a budget derived from soda can refunds and you will get this 60 minute horror film. Despite the short running time, this drags on for what seems like days and nothing remotely scary (or even unintentionally funny) happens. The dumb couple resolve stuff like green goo dripping from cabinets as "the problems you encounter with a new house." In the end, a psychic friend tells them to get out and they do when a person dressed in black wielding a knife shows up (it is never explained). To pad this out to feature length, the version I saw has an extra 15 minutes of a voodoo dance tacked onto the end. Directed by the amazingly named Bart La Rue, who sounds like he should be a friend of John Waters or Paul Bartel.
7 Reviews
They say Satan has all the best tunes, well some of his movies aren't so clever
Red-Barracuda9 May 2013
I first heard about this true obscurity when it was mentioned in the book 'Shock! Horror!: Astounding Artwork from the Video Nasty Era'. This book was unashamedly all about celebrating the lurid and garish covers that adorned the horror videos unleashed on Britain in the late 70's and early 80's. It was not about documenting the films on their merit, it was all about the video covers. And perhaps the brilliantly titled Satan War is the ultimate example of this philosophy because this is one lousy film that had a very memorable video cover. Its artwork had a hilariously poor painting of Satan sporting a green toga. But as I say, the film
not so good.
It's been made on a real shoestring that much is certain. The main bulk of the film is a riff on The Amityville Horror, which has a newly-wed couple moving into a new house. Right away, scary events begin to happen like a wall-mounted crucifix inverting itself at will, scary gunge and moving furniture. It's so amateurishly done that it becomes very tiresome indeed and to make matters worse it has a synthesizer score that is repeated relentlessly until you feel like your brain has taken a kicking. The central story is padded out to feature length by the inclusion of a couple of 'documentary' scenes that bookend the film. In the opening we have a Satanist ceremony, in the end sequence it's a voodoo ritual. These have the potential to be more interesting but also out-stay their welcome somewhat.
This really is a tough movie to get through. It is very odd. But not in a good way.
It's been made on a real shoestring that much is certain. The main bulk of the film is a riff on The Amityville Horror, which has a newly-wed couple moving into a new house. Right away, scary events begin to happen like a wall-mounted crucifix inverting itself at will, scary gunge and moving furniture. It's so amateurishly done that it becomes very tiresome indeed and to make matters worse it has a synthesizer score that is repeated relentlessly until you feel like your brain has taken a kicking. The central story is padded out to feature length by the inclusion of a couple of 'documentary' scenes that bookend the film. In the opening we have a Satanist ceremony, in the end sequence it's a voodoo ritual. These have the potential to be more interesting but also out-stay their welcome somewhat.
This really is a tough movie to get through. It is very odd. But not in a good way.
Tinpot spookhouse trash with documondo augmentation
EyeAskance31 August 2018
Credits roll over shots of swirly, melting psychedelia, possibly a gob of that Super-Elastic Bubble-Plastic stuff kids used to huff back in the 70s. Anyway, on to our story...
A nondescript American couple can't believe what a great deal they got in the purchase of their first home. In all honesty, the place is such a tumbledown dump that no self-respecting degenerate would cook meth in it. To make matters worse, the new owners haul in some really atrocious furniture, and that's probably why the resident demons start throwing a fit. Yep, you guessed it... crosses invert, walls shake, slime drips, and the lady of the house is molested by hands unseen. Then, a spiritually sensitive houseguest senses imminent danger, an amateur exorcism attempt fails, and a hooded specter arrives at the house to lightly badger the new occupants. Deciding, finally, that enough's enough, they drive their ugly car into the sunset, leaving their ghostly worries and hideous home furnishings behind them. The end? Um, not quite...
...because out of nowhere, we get a coarsely vivified "mondo"-style scholarly lecture on voodoo rites which has nothing to do with the previously detailed story. Okay, now it's the end.
The most easily attainable video version(which is still rare as hell) is missing an opening scene which is nearly identical to the tacked-on ending, and equally nongermane to the haunted house story. It features what might be the Solid-Gold Dancers in occult attire cutting the rug to some oddly un-satanic soul music, then moving into some sort of hand-jive/interpretive dance ritual(who knew "duck-duck-goose" was a pledge of allegiance to Lucifer?). Meanwhile, a somber narrator schools us on the history of devil-worship.
SATAN WAR is just a wattle-and-daub amateur nosedive, so technically inferior that it may well have been edited with the heel of a shoe and processed in a truck-stop toilet. Gourmets of all-time-worst cinema should find this an especially hearty dish. Others will find it painful, if not fatal.
1.5/10.
A nondescript American couple can't believe what a great deal they got in the purchase of their first home. In all honesty, the place is such a tumbledown dump that no self-respecting degenerate would cook meth in it. To make matters worse, the new owners haul in some really atrocious furniture, and that's probably why the resident demons start throwing a fit. Yep, you guessed it... crosses invert, walls shake, slime drips, and the lady of the house is molested by hands unseen. Then, a spiritually sensitive houseguest senses imminent danger, an amateur exorcism attempt fails, and a hooded specter arrives at the house to lightly badger the new occupants. Deciding, finally, that enough's enough, they drive their ugly car into the sunset, leaving their ghostly worries and hideous home furnishings behind them. The end? Um, not quite...
...because out of nowhere, we get a coarsely vivified "mondo"-style scholarly lecture on voodoo rites which has nothing to do with the previously detailed story. Okay, now it's the end.
The most easily attainable video version(which is still rare as hell) is missing an opening scene which is nearly identical to the tacked-on ending, and equally nongermane to the haunted house story. It features what might be the Solid-Gold Dancers in occult attire cutting the rug to some oddly un-satanic soul music, then moving into some sort of hand-jive/interpretive dance ritual(who knew "duck-duck-goose" was a pledge of allegiance to Lucifer?). Meanwhile, a somber narrator schools us on the history of devil-worship.
SATAN WAR is just a wattle-and-daub amateur nosedive, so technically inferior that it may well have been edited with the heel of a shoe and processed in a truck-stop toilet. Gourmets of all-time-worst cinema should find this an especially hearty dish. Others will find it painful, if not fatal.
1.5/10.
Greatest movie ever !
squacakeit16 February 2020
Not without it's bad points, but fun nonetheless.
evilplayground-14 October 2007
Warning: Spoilers
It took a long time for me to finally find this film and because of it's scarcity, I figured it was going to be terrible, and happily anticipated it to be as such. But instead I was treated to a dark brooding film in which every effort was put in with full sincerity. Sure, it lacks blood and gore but the best thing it does lack is humour. So many films have comedic relief and it really takes away from the films ultimate desired effect, that being to scare you or creep you out. Obviously this movie has its flaws though, or it would have a DVD release by now even in small quantities.
The beginning has a narration of the typical monotonic man explaining that this film is based on true events, though names have been changed and facts have been greatly dramatized. When you get to the end, you'll be wondering what the real facts were if any at all. We're introduced to our main (and only) characters to the story; Louise and Bill Foster whom have just bought their first house after living in a tiny apartment up until they got married. The tale of poltergeists kick in straight away with a freshly hung cross being turned upside down by unseen forces, the coffee pot starts spewing some odd chunky ooze and then the kitchen vomits blue gunk from several unrelated areas. And what's a haunted house story without the sexual assault performed by the ghosts on the silent woman of the house. When they come across the apparently putrid blue gunk, they don't even question how it's coming out of the dishwasher AND the cupboard, instead they merely pitch it into buckets using only their hands. When finally the culprit (or demon as the hired clairvoyant would suggest) is shown, we're treated to a humanoid shape in a black cloak wielding a knife. Yes, it's that strange. Louise makes him go away by holding up her beloved cross and they take off like a bat out of a relatively warm place.
So what made it enjoyable you ask? The use of straight suspense throughout is a theme not utilized very often, especially with new movies, and it's great to see terrorized characters despite the bad acting rather than be treated to overused 'funnymen' and teenage one-liners. The music is great synth stuff apparently created using only 6 keys and fits well into the scenes of possession. It does get repetitive though but hey, they heard something golden and stuck with it. The true moment of redemption for this film is the end. Now what I'm about to say isn't part of the movie, but a tacked-on short 'documentary' about voodoo and such. It lasts around 15 minutes and shows dancing voodoo experts conjuring up demons for Satan's army and the like while being narrated by the same expressionless man from the beginning. This was just too fun to ignore.
So if you can, watch this movie but by all means, don't expect a gratuitous nude scene, an exploding head, or fast-paced action. Think Amityville Horror toned down.
The beginning has a narration of the typical monotonic man explaining that this film is based on true events, though names have been changed and facts have been greatly dramatized. When you get to the end, you'll be wondering what the real facts were if any at all. We're introduced to our main (and only) characters to the story; Louise and Bill Foster whom have just bought their first house after living in a tiny apartment up until they got married. The tale of poltergeists kick in straight away with a freshly hung cross being turned upside down by unseen forces, the coffee pot starts spewing some odd chunky ooze and then the kitchen vomits blue gunk from several unrelated areas. And what's a haunted house story without the sexual assault performed by the ghosts on the silent woman of the house. When they come across the apparently putrid blue gunk, they don't even question how it's coming out of the dishwasher AND the cupboard, instead they merely pitch it into buckets using only their hands. When finally the culprit (or demon as the hired clairvoyant would suggest) is shown, we're treated to a humanoid shape in a black cloak wielding a knife. Yes, it's that strange. Louise makes him go away by holding up her beloved cross and they take off like a bat out of a relatively warm place.
So what made it enjoyable you ask? The use of straight suspense throughout is a theme not utilized very often, especially with new movies, and it's great to see terrorized characters despite the bad acting rather than be treated to overused 'funnymen' and teenage one-liners. The music is great synth stuff apparently created using only 6 keys and fits well into the scenes of possession. It does get repetitive though but hey, they heard something golden and stuck with it. The true moment of redemption for this film is the end. Now what I'm about to say isn't part of the movie, but a tacked-on short 'documentary' about voodoo and such. It lasts around 15 minutes and shows dancing voodoo experts conjuring up demons for Satan's army and the like while being narrated by the same expressionless man from the beginning. This was just too fun to ignore.
So if you can, watch this movie but by all means, don't expect a gratuitous nude scene, an exploding head, or fast-paced action. Think Amityville Horror toned down.
Am I watching this now? It seems like I might be...
deweesekeith14 May 2022
Warning: Spoilers
I'm streaming/watching a movie but I missed the title somehow. A woman was just sidelined by an ugly "dinette" chair. There's a lot of crying. There doesn't seem to be a war as much as there's the revelation of poor taste in tract house furniture of the 1970s. I came in during a talky Black Mass. It's definitely like a couple just returning from a honeymoon in the Poconos only to find their love nest has turned into a carnival spook house. I'm thinking that Satan has possessed the wife because she keeps SCREECHING and SCREECHING and SCREECHING. She might be from Teaneck. Then there's some way wacky synths happening not to mention coffee boiling. The demonic intrusion of Louise, pinned to a wall covered in ghoul-spit-yellow flowered wallpaper, is a high point. I think? I'll never watch it again, so I might have missed something, but I can tell you this: I'll now know that I'm at war with Satan if my sink fills up with stinky rubber and Louise SCREECHES that she doesn't believe in the supernatural despite everything that's come before. Honey! It ain't just a ghost! It's SATAN! ***** stars for weirdly enjoyable incoherence.
Would have given this a 10, but a 6 is more appropriate
BandSAboutMovies31 October 2021
Warning: Spoilers
Bartell LaRue was a character actor and voiceover artist - he's the voice of the Guardian in "City on the Edge of Forever" on Star Trek - who somehow found the urge to write The Ark of Noah before further getting inspired to make a movie with the greatest title of all time.
Louise and Bill Foster buy a house and as if their life is an Italian movie, we only hear from them via voiceover. Things just smell bad from the first day they move in. Crosses turn upside down. Coffee overflows. Green slime ruins the kitchen. Crosses turn upside down. Louise is assaulted by an entity and Bill causally tells her that "If he tries it again, just tell that ghost that rape, sex, and molestation is my department!" Crosses turn upside down. A psychic tells them someone killed themselves in the house. A sheet is here and it has a knife! A newspaper burns up. And crosses...yeah. You get it.
At one point, a voiceover says, "The oldest war in the universe carries on towards its eternal conclusion." Then we are destroyed by the soundtrack to this film, the drone, the endless drone, the bass that takes out the dialogue, the grainy low grade footage deteriorated by VHS play uploaded to the internet, generation upon generation of copy and paste.
Anton LaVey once wrote, "The word 'occult' simply means hidden or secret," he says. "Go to the record store, to the corner where no one else is, where everything is dusty and nobody ever goes. Mussorgsky's 'Night on Bald Mountain' is mystical music, dramatic, Gothic, satanically programmed music. But it's not occult music. "Yes, We Have No Bananas" would be an occult tune.
It's occult because when you put that record on the turntable, it's a lead-pipe cinch that there is not another person in the entire world who is listening to that record at that time. If there's anything, any frequency, any power that exists anywhere in this cosmos, in this universe, you're gonna stand out like a beacon! It truly makes you elite."
If this is true, Satan War achieves the murderdrone goal of being akin to second wave black metal: concerned with menace and equally unconcerned with feeble things like audio quality. Much like the fuzzed out riffs and overloaded bass and broken drum sound of those records makes you lose touch with this world if you take away your concentration just long enough - stare into that void - the first hour of this movie is just an acid blotter of long abandoned video signal ready to signal your own journey beyond the wall of sleep.
After a gun and a cross chase out the demon, we're treated to a non-connected voodoo ritual because I can only assume the running time some padding, as dancers dance to tribal drums and we just watch, wondering where it all went.
Louise and Bill Foster buy a house and as if their life is an Italian movie, we only hear from them via voiceover. Things just smell bad from the first day they move in. Crosses turn upside down. Coffee overflows. Green slime ruins the kitchen. Crosses turn upside down. Louise is assaulted by an entity and Bill causally tells her that "If he tries it again, just tell that ghost that rape, sex, and molestation is my department!" Crosses turn upside down. A psychic tells them someone killed themselves in the house. A sheet is here and it has a knife! A newspaper burns up. And crosses...yeah. You get it.
At one point, a voiceover says, "The oldest war in the universe carries on towards its eternal conclusion." Then we are destroyed by the soundtrack to this film, the drone, the endless drone, the bass that takes out the dialogue, the grainy low grade footage deteriorated by VHS play uploaded to the internet, generation upon generation of copy and paste.
Anton LaVey once wrote, "The word 'occult' simply means hidden or secret," he says. "Go to the record store, to the corner where no one else is, where everything is dusty and nobody ever goes. Mussorgsky's 'Night on Bald Mountain' is mystical music, dramatic, Gothic, satanically programmed music. But it's not occult music. "Yes, We Have No Bananas" would be an occult tune.
It's occult because when you put that record on the turntable, it's a lead-pipe cinch that there is not another person in the entire world who is listening to that record at that time. If there's anything, any frequency, any power that exists anywhere in this cosmos, in this universe, you're gonna stand out like a beacon! It truly makes you elite."
If this is true, Satan War achieves the murderdrone goal of being akin to second wave black metal: concerned with menace and equally unconcerned with feeble things like audio quality. Much like the fuzzed out riffs and overloaded bass and broken drum sound of those records makes you lose touch with this world if you take away your concentration just long enough - stare into that void - the first hour of this movie is just an acid blotter of long abandoned video signal ready to signal your own journey beyond the wall of sleep.
After a gun and a cross chase out the demon, we're treated to a non-connected voodoo ritual because I can only assume the running time some padding, as dancers dance to tribal drums and we just watch, wondering where it all went.
See also
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