The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Avery Schreiber (1976)

Frank Oz: Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle

Quotes 

• Fozzie Bear : Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket? Am I too hip for the room?

• Miss Piggy : Scooter, Scooter? Oh, dear nephew of the theater owner?

  Scooter : Well, yes, Miss Piggy?

  Miss Piggy : Would you do Miss Piggy a favor?

  Scooter : Oh, sure. Why not?

  Miss Piggy : Ahem. Well, you may have noticed, I have given my love to Kermit. You may also have noticed his reluctance in returning same.

  Scooter : Oh, so you want me to get your love from Kermit and give it back to you. Oh, okay, where does he keep it?

  Miss Piggy : Amusing little twit, isn't he? NO, BONEHEAD! I WANT YOU TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS!

  Scooter : Ah, I see.

  Miss Piggy : I want you to tell him that Avery Schreiber is simply mad about me.

  Scooter : Oh, you want me to lie.

  Miss Piggy : Just do it.

  Scooter : And if I refuse?

  Miss Piggy : Well, then I will karate chop you until the only thing you'll be able to go for... IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT!

  Scooter : Uh, one jealous frog coming up.

• Avery Schreiber : [after tricking Kermit]  Just like I said. It worked, didn't it?

  Miss Piggy : Yes! Yes! He really loves me. Oh, thank you so much. How about a smacker right on these porker lips, hmm? Kissy, kissy.

  Avery Schreiber : Well, I-I... Now, don't... don't... don't take it personally, now, I can't kiss you. You see, I mean no offense, but my... my family never even touched a pig, much less put their lips to one.

  Miss Piggy : Well, put your lips to THIS! Hiii-ya!

  [karate-chops Avery] 

• Miss Piggy : Aw, Kermit, my love, my life, I am sorry if Avery made you jealous.

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, Fozzie Bear, stand by!

  Scooter : Fozzie Bear, stand by!

  Miss Piggy : Well, you are jealous, aren't you?

  Scooter : Fozzie, stand by!

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, no, I'm not.

  Miss Piggy : But why?

  Scooter : Uh, Fozzie, stand by!

  Kermit the Frog : Well, Scooter told me it was all a trick.

  Miss Piggy : Scooter, stand by! Hiii-ya!

  [karate-chops Scooter and kicks him away] 

• Kermit the Frog : Well, that's it for tonight. We'd like to thank our very special guest star Mr. Avery Schreiber.

  Avery Schreiber : Thank you, Kermit, thank you. Listen, it was a ball. I hope I didn't get you upset. Boy, Miss Piggy has a bad temper, doesn't she, huh?

  Kermit the Frog : Aw, listen, don't worry, I can handle Miss Piggy. You know, she's just putty in my hands. I say "Jump", she says "How high?" I crack the whip, she jumps through the hoop.

  Miss Piggy : [suddenly appears]  You open your mouth, my fist goes south. Hiii-ya!

  [karate-chops Kermit] 

  Avery Schreiber : Gee, I love to see a man in control, Kermit.

  Kermit the Frog : [weakly]  We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

  [Piggy karate-chops Kermit again]